getting started

i am having some serious issues getting started lately. i want to start things, i want to be productive, i wake up thinking about the day and the things i am going to do. i am carrying books around with me, i have software to write, i have shopping to do and all i want to do is sit in a comfortable spot and hide from the world. i have a trip coming up, one that i have a week of downtime and then a week of work. the downtime is edging dangerously close to being a week of sitting in an airport. i haven't booked a hotel at the beach, or a flight that will take me from the airport when i land there early. i just can't seem to get beyond the conceptual stage of planning.

i promised i am going to take this time to burn off some of the crust that has built up over the past few months. my allergic coughing has slipped back to remission, it is now something i can keep at bay by closing windows and monitoring what i put in my mouth. but i feel the pain in my chest and know that one wrong move and it will start over and i will be living with the autoimmune reaction of rejecting the things i crave.

what am i doing? i am sitting, reading, writing and basically hiding. i find it easier to stay with the things i know than venture off into the things i don’t know. thoughts of snow storms, cold drives and plows have been intruding into the warmth of KL. as friends sit in traffic i am walking from one café to the next, looking for a stable internet connection to send an email or post a blog entry.

the year is coming to an end, the holiday break is about to start, vacation plans need to be started, and projects need to be finished. here is the issue, i am not sure if i am at the beginning of something or the end. it would be easier if i had my plans worked out, but what i have is a list of to-dos, no firm deadlines, along with the ability to choose to simply not focus on it now.

how do you get started when you really just want do absolutely nothing? i have been called a procrastinator in the past. i just looked on wikipedia to see what it has to say about the term:

Procrastination is a type of behavior which is characterized by deferment of actions or tasks to a later time. Psychologists often cite procrastination as a mechanism for coping with the anxiety associated with starting or completing any task or decision. Psychology researchers also have three criteria they use to categorize procrastination. They believe that procrastination must be counterproductive, needless, and delaying.

in the very first paragraph i find that this is not an issue. two of the three required criteria take me fully off the hook. doing nothing is exactly what i need right now, it is neither counterproductive nor needless. as i began the day today i realized i need this more than i had understood. i have slept more in the past three days than i have in any single week since i got back to the country. i have been able to focus on nothing at all. i have been able to put plans aside and find a quiet place inside.

i realize rather than not getting started, the past few days have been about being fully engaged in one thing; recovering from the past few months. the year is ending, i am thinking about the storms in the US and being on the beach. next year is going to be different, it will be busy, things will come and go, the lines of communication and directions will change. but that is not something to focus on right now. for now it’s simply time to stop and reflect.

i am happy i have finally found the time to prioritize this lack of obvious direction. but you know what... i better book that flight and hotel, or i will never find nemo.