Sunday, December 30, 2012

choosing freedom

i was just settling in under the umbrella today when my angel pointed out the topless woman a few chairs down.  yesterday there had been an equally free woman at the other end of the long set of chairs; too far to see who she was with or around.  just close enough to notice her choice of freedom and move back to my book on evolution.  but today we were closer, and there was more of a chance to put the entire scene in perspective.

last year i was sitting in the same chairs with my daughter and noticed an older woman a few chairs down who had chosen freedom.  i asked ash why she did not make the same choice, she said "i don't want to show them".  i noticed the age of the woman, and although she looked good for her age, she may have passed some point where things had looked better.  the reply and the observation caused me to muse, "isn't it sad if there is a inverse relationship between someone showing, and someone wanting to be shown?"

the attraction is not the freedom, but the act of choosing to be free.  i find it interesting.  why do some women who would look wonderful choose not to be free?  how do others, regardless of how they look, make the choice?  this same question can be repurposed for lessor acts of freedom.  bikini, sheer blouse, braless, short dress, tight jeans, sleeveless, tudong, burqa are all points along the same spectrum of choice.  we live in a multi-cultural environment so many of these points will be accepted in the right situation; if you choose them.  but there is cultural conditioning that takes the freedom away.

few people are surprised or offended by children on the beach that are topless or with less.  this happens across all the cultures, in the past week i have seem families from all over asia, europe or australia with kids in less than a complete swimsuit.  it is the same in the US, no one gives it a second thought.  but as we age, the conditioning kicks in, to the point that actions accepted by some are are stopped by fear or shame by others.  in my standard libertarian bent i believe each person should have the ability to choose, and should not be oppressed by others into making a certain decision; wether it's wearing a hajib or not wearing a top on the beach.  both are equally valid, and the right to choose should be protected and celebrated.

these thoughts all kicked in as i looked past the woman of freedom, and her equally free friend, and noticed that immediately next to them was a muslim family with a woman in tudong.  men, women and children in the group eating their early lunch and discreetly ignoring the two european woman.  there were others all around; men and women, local, asian, aussie and russians.  no one seemed to interact with these woman, to be offended or to try to get them to be less free.  not while in the chairs, or when they laid at the waters edge with their toes in the surf,

this is the point, these women made a choice, others either respected it or ignored it.  i find this as a very positive thing.  this is a muslim country; although it is also a hindu island known for bare breasted women 100 years ago.  it has a very large number of tourists coming and going with a certain surfer-chic hipness baked into the vibe.   other asian-muslim countries are not nearly as relaxed about these things, i really can't imagine any form of public immodesty being ignored in malaysia.  last year people were shot with water cannons for wearing yellow shirts, no telling what could happen if there were no shirts.  note the lack of anything close to a world-class vacation spot and do the math.

so, hurray to the freedom and to the freedom to be free.  this kind of simplicity and respect is exactly why i needed to get away.  i just needed to be somewhere that let's people live and stays out of their life.  the hotel has armed guards, a bomb sniffing dog and metal detectors to try to keep the guests safe from another round of bombings, but on a day to day basis there is more freedom and sanity here because of cultural acceptance; and the surfer vibe.

as we talked sitting on our shaded chairs, i remembered a morning long ago.  i had just climbed up into the tower and was putting on sunblock.  a woman walked up called for me to come down.  when i got there she said, "i am not a prude, but i have kids with me and those people are doing something under their blanket that i hope you can make them stop".  i looked maybe 100 feet down the beach, no where close to anyone else there was a lone blanket.  as i watched the blanket did have a certain rhythmic movement to it.  i looked at the not-a-prude-mom and told her i would take care of it.

i strolled down slowly, hoping things would resolve themselves before i got there.  when i got to them, there was still some movement, and i cleared my throat to let them know i was there.  two heads popped out, with shy smiles.  we had a very quick conversation, where i apologized for having to do it but asked them to take the party somewhere else.

when i got back into the tower, prude-mom waved thanks to me and i went back to putting on sun block.  i remember sitting and wondering if i should have handled the situation differently.  i needed to enforce the rules, but i didn't feel right doing it.  not-a-prude-mom could have ignored the situation, and distracted the kids down at the water.  i doubt her kids ever noticed, and if they did she could have used it as a teaching exercise on freedom.  but she decided to be legalistic and to impose her "not-a-prude" views on others who were nowhere near her; safely hidden under a blanket.

it is probably 28 years since that summer morning.  i am on the other side of the planet and i have seen things.  if i had been working on the beach this morning and prude-mom had come up to me and asked me to take care of this situation, i am not sure what i would have done.  but today was not that day, and i was not in that role.

today was vacation; one built on freedom and openness   i am very happy i was with someone who appreciates my love of freedom, and who is open to pointing something out if i would have missed it.

what did she choose?  what she is comfortable with, and i love that she knows it's all her choice.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

collective intelligence

as a software engineer who works in the e-commerce space, i am not usually impressed by the positive ways a site works.  most sites are no more complex than an insurance salesman who takes their customer though a long profiling exercise, in an effort not to select the right product but to know how to best pitch the basic set of products he would have suggested before the interview.  there is one site the continuously impresses me, amazon the largest ecommerce site in the world and the one site that seems to be able to anticipate my interests pretty well.

i got to thinking about this when i saw the suggestion for the movie "in the line of fire".  clint eastwood plays "frank horrigan", a secret service agent with a long history and a jaded past.  through the movie there are scenes with a small hotel in DC i stayed in long long ago, and another in the westin bonaventure in LA where i stayed only long ago.  i begin to empathize for some of what clint's and john malkovic's  (the assassin, mitch leary, horrigan is trying to stop) are feeling as they play their cat and mouse.  they both have are aging and have histories that drive them.

horrigan, like many of the eastwood characters over the years, delivers great one-liners as the action unfolds.  one is, "i know things about people", which he uses through-out the film to explain how he can read into the behaviors of the people around him.  the other is after he tells a female agent (renee russo) that her character is window dressing out to court the female vote, she asks him what demographic he represents and he replies:
let's see... white, piano-playing heterosexuals over the age of fifty. there ain't a whole lot of us, but we do have a powerful lobby.
this always makes me wonder which demographic i represent.  the same thing that happens when i use amazon, which tries to know me and compare me to others to help make suggestions.  the idea is that the collective intelligence of the crowd being the best indication of the behavior or desires of the individual.  if others like me enjoy things then i should too.  but to be good at this they need the ability to put people into the groups and then use what they know about all the people in that group to make projections on individual behavior.

the ways you know things about people are to ask them questions and then to watch their behaviors.  amazon knows where someone lives if they have delivered purchases.  from this they get a zipcode that ties into a demographic sample, telling them the income level, ethnic profile, education level and political party affiliation if not of the individual, than the community around them. all good information, but not as good as the actions of the individual.  i for example are not a good match of either of the places i live; well maybe expat-malaysia but not exit-8.

so they also watch what someone does.  what does the user view?  what do they buy?  what items do they put into a wish-list? or what do they rate, even if they didn't buy it on the site?  this has all become standard ecommerce marketing behavior.  smart engineers use huge amounts of data to target people because they "know things about people".  apple uses former purchases, and itunes match information to make genius recommendations.  look at yours, mine are spooky good at knowing what i like.

all of this has me thinking, what do you need to figure other people out.  i know you start by asking questions, and then you watch behavior.  if you believe the house-ism that everyone lies, then you need to consider that too.  people may lie, they may spin, but if you watch carefully and use enough data, you can figure them out and be able to make projections.

so, what do you ask first?  how much data do you need?

what would you need to figure me out?  what about the first 30 buckets i would put myself into?
  • male
  • late-forties
  • european-american
  • liberal-arts education
  • deep reader
  • software engineer
  • fallen catholic
  • ENTJ
  • east-coast
  • traveller 
  • asia
  • father
  • married and divorced
  • libertarian free-thinker
  • triathlon
  • lifeguard
  • inked
  • beach-bum
  • craft beer
  • ethnic food
  • non-halal
  • cook
  • leatherman
  • iphone
  • macbook air
  • crumpler
  • evolutionary theory
  • anthropology and psychology
  • politics and economics
  • open-sharing
maybe i cheated keeping the list to 30 by doubling up a few, but there is the behavior you need to watch.  those are the clues on what is important and how life is approached.  i wanted to go back and reorder things.  it felt like there might be a ranking inherent to the list, but i didn't reorder because this is the way it came out of my head.

as i look at the list, i realize that if i met a new person on the beach i would share most of this, the rest they might be able to see if they looked.  but is this enough for them to know things about me?  could they make a projection on my interests?

apple knows the shows i will buy.  amazon can suggest books and music to me.  but if asked, which demographic would i represent?
let's see... white, open-minded metrosexual tattooed book-worms near the age of fifty.  there really aren't a lot of us, and i like it that way.

Friday, December 28, 2012

two spoons

there was a time a few years ago when i was struggling to understand who i was and where i fit in.  my life was both overly complex and minimalist-simple.  i kept it that way on purpose because i did not like the directions life had taken me in, i did not like the responding directions i went in afterwards and i was not ready to make the corrections needed to course correct.  allowing, or more honestly engineering, the chaos allowed me say, "things are just complex" while living with only two spoons in the kitchen.

i had a fully stocked kitchen in the US.  i had no intention of going out and stocking a new one here.  when i came to asia, i stopped cooking because i didn't have an oven.  i ate take out, because it was fast and easy.  the lifestyle came with no need to clean up, no need to plan and no need to have my own plates, bowls or utensils.  my landlord had provided some kitchen items when i moved it, but they were not mine and i didn't care.  i had the bare minimum required, it wasn't mine and it could go away at any time.  it kept things simple in some sense, but it was never simple and i was never happy.

the past few years that has changed.  the condo is still temporary, but i decided i needed it to be more than an unloved space.  i needed to build some comfort into my surroundings.  i finally found myself in a place where i could stop worrying about the kitchen in the US and find the things i needed here to be happy.

this has lead to some real improvements.  not all of these are my doing.  there have been changes in malaysia that has helped.  BSC improved it's expat food market, and now has a much broader selections of goods.  ben's grocery opened in publika, the big groups attempt copy a western supermarket (grocery store, bakery, deli and eat in/out food outlets).  i can now get beer, bagels and other comfort foods that allow a more western-comfortable living experience.  the complexity has dropped and simple stay at home life has taken over.

in the past few months this has settled into an even deeper cycle.  i am going home for tea after work.  a small event between work and dinner, that focuses on rebuilding energy and settling into the night to come.  starbucks now sells via coffee here, and that means very good coffee at home, add a little brown sugar and its the best coffee in town.  there is no reason to go out, everything i need, i have.  i remember the days of teh tarik, but have no interest in having it now.  what i have at home is much better.

i have also started cooking again.  pork/beef meatballs, home made sauce, chorizo ready to be added to an omelet, or fried as a base for stuffed mushrooms, or a quick yummy sandwich are all in the freezer ready to be pulled out when the call of dinner comes.  there is still the chance to call for take out if needed, but its not a requirement every night.  cooking is a way to be creative and loving, and with a ready audience for the results its all the more interesting.

the house is more comfortable.  the books are on shelves. the walls have photos and paintings.   the closets are full, and the kitchen is stocked.  i now have a home, not just a house.  the front door is open, with a sarong covering the grill.  this lets the air blow through the apartment, and provides the modesty demanding shades from accidental eyes.  it's not perfect, the couch needs to be replaced and the question of when comes up when talking about it. but it is more comfortable and move lived in.

the time of two spoons was good.  but having a fully stocked kitchen is much better.  coming home to a bagel with yummy cheese is much better than coming home to emptiness.  sharing the things i love, cooking with simplicity and for comfort are all more than worth the effort put into it.

all it took was getting rid of the complexity and deciding to embrace the comfort.

selective identity

i enjoy people watching.  i am sitting next to the pool, having morning coffee in an effort to jolt myself awake.  i could have slept in, but i would rather sit here and take in the people around me. there is a table with an aussie flight crew, two pilots and two cabin crew, there are tables with singaporean chinese and others with chinese from the mainland.  there are tables with indians, russians, indonesians and the occasional americans.  most of the time its possible to read which group someone falls into at a distance.  haircuts, clothes, shoes are all hints that can be used to categorize.  if you can hear them talk, you may be able to go deeper, hearing regional-locations and education level.  if you have a real discussion, you can read even more.

i enjoy people watching because i like to see how close i can get to the truth.  is the woman who just took the table next to me aussie as i thought when i saw her walking across the pool... confirmed when she asks for coffee.  why would this matter?  i can give examples of when it has come in useful.  like when i knew the older aussie couple the other day at starbucks would speak english, and most likely be friendly and open to conversation. but honestly, it's more about the process.  the challenge, the fun of the puzzle and the thrill when i find out i am wrong.

human's are natural categorizers.  we are programmed to identify in-group and out-group members quickly.  a good skill to have on the savannas of africa, when the risk of misreading the membership of the person coming toward you could be fatal.  but one that can cause issues when in a cosmopolitan environment with complex social structures.  this may be why some people choose to remain deeply ensconced in their tribal group of choice.  rather than being asked to choose who is safe, they are given a default zone of safety by staying within "their group".

beyond the opportunity cost this imposes, the most glaring issue with this kind of exclusion is when they find that those inside the group cannot fully be trusted either.  once the group becomes suspect, people wonder if anything can be trusted.  if the group does not have a strong enough hold, this could drive someone to look for identity outside of the group.  it could cause one to learn and accept things that could be a challenge to the wider group gestalt.  this is how schisms happen, or how someone commits apostasy.

this risk of losing members is a major reason that group dynamics work to protect the trust that membership brings.  why groups have such strong policing mechanisms on member behavior.  limiting or stopping actions that risk group cohesion.  whether this is living away from the groups warm loving embrace, embracing thoughts (education) that contradict the orthodoxy, or sin of all sins embracing people (dating) outside the group.  allowing someone to begin to empathize with foreign groups removes the simplicity of accepting the communal bonds of the original tribe.

i literally lived on an island as a child.  i was the fourth generation to be born there.  my family was if not well known, then a bit infamous.  we were standard irish catholic.  it was likely that i would stay on the island, build a life and be happy going to the irish american club on saturday afternoon to have a pint with the boys.  but there were issues, my mother was not from the island, she was not catholic, she had come to college in town and met my father.  after my parents divorced, 8 years and 4 children too late, i spent time wondering what else is out there?  i wanted to know why and how church of england was different than roman catholic.  i wanted to know what other family i had off the island.  i wanted to take my irish catholic boyhood off, and try on the WASP side of my heritage.

i spent my college years off the island, i began to travel, i studied religion, history, politics and economics in a search for some understanding of the wider world.  but one weekend i went back to the island and went out drinking with the boys.  my friends, my closest friends in the world, and i tipped back a few glasses and told stories.  towards the end of the night, one of my friends came over to me and accused me of having lost my identity.  in his view, i was not entitled to drop back into the group like this.  he had stayed, i had left -- i should not be coming back now.  i had a new life, a new group.  in the moment i knew he was drunk, i thought it was less about me and more about his connection to others in the group, i wasn't angry it was more a sense of embarrassment for his display.  but that night was the last time i went to the island and saw this group of friends.  i have been back, but i never have the time to join this group.  i never make the time, because i am no longer a member.

i had always had a sense of distance from this group.  to be completely honest, i have always had a sense of distance from almost all of the groups i have been a member of over the years.  this may come from the need to be prepared for changes that would change the group dynamic; a compensation technique that a child of divorce could find useful.  this could also come from a the early understanding that orthodoxy was at times about stopping someone from asking the questions that come when outside the box.

but i love being outside.  i don't trust the easy answer, because they almost never seen right to me.  on this trip i am reading about the evolution of god that has been driven by social evolution of humans and why the west rules which argues that the industrial revolution and cultural bias is not enough to explain the history of east v. west.  the group i want to be a member of is the one which will appreciate and discuss these theses.  both of books challenge orthodoxy, but i enjoy the challenge and care less for the orthodoxy than the wider-view cosmopolitan discussion that they can drive.

i could not have been the guy who never asked questions.  i could not have accepted the orthodox through faith, or the simple answer that should not be questioned or challenged.  i knew early on that people of the in-group were wrong, dangerous or both.  the biggest danger i faced was not being able to search for better answers.  it was not being able to see the world, meet new people and share views that would be shut off if we each simply followed the simple path of staying inside our groups and never challenging ourselves and others to think.

i like people watching because i am in situations where there is complexity.  if we were all the same, all from a single tribe with shared norms and social expectations, what would be the fun of watching?  there would be nothing to parse, it would all be decided for us.

i like people watching, because i like to decide for myself.


Thursday, December 27, 2012

formerly athletic

i am on the beach, have been here for a week, and i have not gone for a swim.  today is the day, i am going to go down to the beach and swim out to the far buoy.   i can paddle around out there and then come back in.  as i come out of the water i will feel clean, and stressed.  not stretched to the limit, but warmed up and strong.  it will be a half a mile or so in the water, but i will feel better after doing it than i do before.  i know this because at one point i was actually athletic.

i still feel athletic.  i have a running machine in my office, a semi-stationary bike and an ergometer (rowing machine) at home in a converted bedroom.  it takes no more than a quick look to see that it wouldn't hurt if i used them more.  but when i do use them i feel good.  that athlete inside is happy to get out.  he is happy to be used, happy to be free and able to move.  he repays me by doping me up with endorphines when i really let him loose.  he makes me pay the price when i don't let him free, through creaky ankles and sore shoulders.

nine years ago, my brother had a heart valve replaced.  thickening walls of the heart had worn away a valve and a hole formed.  my younger brother was now a heart patient.  but i was doing triathlon with my teenage son.  i had just dropped serious levels of weight and was stronger than i had been since my early 20s.  i had not been this fit since before i was a software engineer.  becoming a developer, and having starbucks move to boston, were closely timed events marking the beginning of my athletic decline.

when i first got to malaysia i would wake up early every day on weekends.  i would strap on water bottles, and put on a hat to shade the early morning sun.  i would go for a loop in the expat neighborhood, and feel great as i climbed the hill back to the condo.  i needed to push the run, i was racing the heat as the sun climbed higher into the sky.  if i took too long, that last climb would literally be a hard steep incline inside a sweltering sauna.

but one saturday i didn't go for a run.  i asked myself why i was running.  there was no race coming up, and no one would notice if i didn't go.   i could snuggle in and go to the bakery later for a croissant.  thats what i did that weekend, and the next, and the next.  i had started on the downward slope, i let gravity take control and just let myself lean into the decline.  the pace picked up here and there, i reacted enough to steady the decline and level it out, but years had passed where stress, travel and dessert had taken their toll.

last week, my sister had a cough and went to see the doctor.  she was sent to the hospital, admitted and is now a heart patient.  there are follow up appointments planned, but the signals are pretty clear.  i need to get my ass out of bed in the morning and go for a run.  i need to ride my bike, row my ergo and swim to burn the weight off.  i would not call this a race for my life, but the melodrama could be a positive if it added to the commitment.

i knew this was coming, and started moving this last summer.  the athlete inside was demanding his time.  the little voice got to me before the email from home.  but the little voice was not strong enough to keep the trend going when travel and allergies kicked in.  now i have something else to use as motivation.  with two of the four siblings now heart patients, and stress-induced hypertension looming in the background, i do not want to be the next one to tip over into active cardiac care.  there is an element of sick competition in that statement, but it is always competition that drives me.

so maybe my sister at home is willing to race me.  her doctor is going to prescribe meds and suggest she get in shape.  she was also formerly athletic, not a member of as many sports or as driven maybe, but this is her chance to turn that around.  i could use the motivation, i need someone to race.  maybe she wants the challenge too.  i will let her pick the race, either we focus on the losing side, or we do a race of some sort.  i remember her as a sprinter.  400 meter run?  i might push for 800 meter. we can go to cardines field and go around the track.

if she doesn't take me up on this, well i am going to need to find another challenge for my inner athlete.  maybe the challenge will be to come out and become my outer athlete again.  the tides need to turn.  maybe i can coax him out and get him to stay around.  it's time to feel that hill again.  the stress of climbing it, the sweat cooling the body from the heat and carrying the former desserts out of their storage locations.

it is time to get my ass moving again.  let the active slacker take note, his days are numbered.  the athlete is coming out and he wants to get moving.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

object desire

when asked if i like malaysia, i tend to answer with an hedge.  there are good and bad elements to it.  i discuss them to explain myself.  i can tell most people don't really want to hear the answer, they tend to be asking in the way americans ask about the weather or the local baseball team.  it's filler conversation, i should just compliment the food/weather/people and stick to the cultural pattern.  but, there are things that get deeply under my skin.  rather than just accepting them as part of the deal, i work to find ways around them.  the most recent irritation is a something i didn't realize i wanted, or thought there would be time for later, but over the past few months has been a constant desire.

let me preface the next part of this conversation by admitting, i know this is a little bit nuts.  i can hear a friends saying, "your tendency to for absent-minded multi-tasking, mixed with love of speed and willingness to push limits" make me less than a perfect candidate for this.  i realize the above is true, which seems to me to be exactly the point.  i am not reckless ... well... what about ... if i am going to concentrate my addictions, in this case my need to push the edge, this appears to be the best of all options.

similar to my coffee addiction, this one comes with some accepted risk.  also, i am betting that it will actually help calm the voices.  part of my absent minded multi-tasking is that my mind is in overdrive and seeks stimulation, when the environment doesn't provide it -- it finds ways to provide it by itself.  with the waning ability to burn for hours through code, other distractions are needed.  a few months ago, while reading mens journal, i decided i wanted a motocycle.  not the racer in the magazine, but the blacked out v7 classic,  i have never been a custom chopper kind of guy, and the superbike strikes me as a penis extension.  but when i looked at the classic lines of this bike, it clicked.  i want one.  what's stopping me ... malaysia.

the issue is not like the christmas presents from amazon or custom bag from timbuk2, like most international sites neither of those companies will ship to malaysia.  the reason they give is the amazingly high level of fraud they see coming from my adopted land.  apparently, malaysians made a habit of having things shipped, and then they claimed they never got them and refused to pay.  i know this doesn't sound like something a malaysian would do... no, never.

i can get a moto guzzi in malaysia, the list price is RM 77,000 or US$ 24,839.  it lists in the US for $ 8,990... yeah the same bike is 176% more in malaysia.  unbelievable, well for someone who doesn't live here.  why is it so high?  the most direct answer is that it's malaysia.  there are formulas about import duties and approved permits, but that is political cover for the reality that people are getting milked.

earlier this year i decided i wanted to get in shape, and thought the rowing machine i have wanted since college would help.  i did my research, and discussed shipping it from the US.  shipping was a hassel for family members.  because companies refuse to ship direct i needed someone to have a big box delivered to them and then have it shipped to me.  the upside of this plan was that exercise equipment is exempt from import.  long story short, i bought local for twice the US price.  the reason given when i asked about the mark up?  import taxes.  i mentioned that there were no import taxes, the manager of the store smiled at me and said, "well that is true, but we are the exclusive importer".  the twinkle in his eye was ... part of living in malaysia.

there is a process to avoid a bit of the markup on the motorcycle.  i can buy in the US, have it shipped here.  we are then back to hassel of family members in the US doing the shipping.  but first i need to apply for and get an "approved permit" (AP or import licence) in malaysia.  then its simply paying 85 - 130% of taxes before it can clear customs.  there apparently are "rumors" that each step in this process involves malaysian officials with open palms, which because of my role i am not able to fill for fear of US jail time for "foreign corrupt practices" or lose of my job for playing by local rules.  the "rumors" insist not being corrupt would seriously delay, or completely derail the plan.

i know this seems like an intelligence test.

the american viewpoint on this is that i am paying US$ 8,990 for a bike, and US$ 15,849 (RM 49,132) for the ability to ride it inside malaysia.  i could pay marginally less if i go through a highly convoluted process and potentially put my career and freedom at risk; neither of which i am willing to do.  the other option is to delay the purchase until i leave the country.  this would fall into the 6 year delay i have had on using pandora, the two year delay i have had on using hulu (both because access is restricted due to fraud) or the long list of purchases i have not made locally over the years (because of 100% - 300% mark-up with most retail purchases).

when i started this posting i was going to explain why i was going to just suck it up and buy the bike.  i really want it.  i want to get around KL and slip through the grid lock, rather than sit in the traffic thinking about how much worse it is now than a few years ago.

i would like to have something fun to do, something that would help release the pressure.  but as i wrote, the resentment has bubbled back up.  that is the point of why i do not love malaysia, bullshit like this happens all the time.  i am back to saying, no way i am not going to play this game, i would rather buy three motocycles in the US with the same money.

this is an intelligence test, not for me but for the voters of malaysia.  i have the option of getting off this goat rodeo and moving back to sanity without protectionist tariffs and "rumored" corruption.  where is the demand for this to change?

enough of me bitching, yeah i love malaysia, the food, the people, the weather are all wonderful.  that really is what you wanted to hear right?

you know what would help this mood?  if i could go for a ride.


writer blocked

its nearly three months since i last wrote.  i have been far below the normal production level over the past year.  the last time i made the effort to consistently express myself was a year ago.  it happened when i was away by myself on my favorite beach.  i am back for another holiday holiday, and i have wanted to write, but after a week i am just now breaking out the air to try to let the thoughts loose.  i have had to accept that i find myself blocked, i am not sure how or why but i have not been able to share.

the past year has been one of change and impending change.  during times of change i tend to withdraw, which may be what has happened to me over the past twelve months.  but i have not found myself curled up on the couch, alone with my woobie.  as those closest know, that is the historical sign of my withdrawal.  more recently my version of withdrawl translates to a vacation seeking comfortable space.  but have you noticed that vacations also allow me to open up and write?  getting away drives my need to open up, and it enhances my crave to connect.

i see this as a positive sign.  rather than taking space to allow the inner devils to embrace the darkness, i have come to sit in the sun and strip layers off.  i have been needing to get away for months now.  finally the migration, the post-migration and the reorganization are all over.  strategic alternatives have lingered, but the need to be in the northern kingdom have slowed to the point where i can get away.  there is plenty of work left to do, but it will wait for the new year.  i have disconnected.

the underlying reason for the congestion of thought i have been experiencing is difficult to diagnose.  much like my allergies, what causes them is not always clear, the stuffiness comes when it comes.

in both cases, the causes are hard to pin down because they have complexity.  it is not one single trigger, they layer upon each other.  part of it i am sure is that circumstances have changed.  i have always talked about things happening around me, and given structural changes going on around me i have been less and less able to be open.  some of these blocks were cultural, some were familial or organizational, but some have been legal.  given the cross currents of demands to say less and protect information, i have imposed a "say nothing til you hear more" rule of thumb.  my other default compensation technique to reduce complexity and ensure simplicity.

i have also considered the fact that i have simply not had the space to sit and do this.  given the [overly long] style of my writing, i need time to accomplish this, and i have not felt as though the time was there for me.  but i have been here for almost 6 days, i had my laptop out for google/wiki/youtube and nightly fringe, i still didn't even attempt to send thoughts into the ethernet.

two days ago i spent the afternoon doing cold reads on two very nice new friends.  friends could be too strong a statement, i don't know their names, have no contact information and unless the winds of fate somehow drive us to the same line in an airport some day we will probably never speak again.  but as we sat and chatted over halal-beverages, there was a surprising level of sharing going on.  i learned things, some of which were not expected.  while i was there i realized that rather than writing, i was spending time with real people and talked rather than typing.

this morning i decided it was time to buckle down and cast some thoughts.  i had a 20 minute conversation concerning the correct location.  caffeine, alt-cafe tunes and armchair comfort are all key to my process, the much to long conversation sent me to the starbucks so close that my motorcycle barely warmed up getting here.  i struck up another conversation in line, and a third when i sat down.  going to a very american version of the worlds coffee location and talking to a surprising number of amercians took precedence over typing.  again, real connections over the semi-anonymous conversation this medium brings.

is that it then?  have i somehow found myself in a place where my extroversion has finally wiped away my need for distance?  rather than observing from a safe distance, i am directly interacting.  the nice couple from seattle who live in china ended our conversation by telling me "we come here every day... at 11:00 am".  that kind of specificity seems to invite further conversations.  still no contact information, still limited name exchange, but connection.

i am writing now.  funky christmas tunes are decking the halls around me.  i am watching the multi-cultural groups pausing around me.  an indonesian chinese couple and teenage son just moved from the sun warmed chairs to the shade-covered couch touching my chair.  a little too close for my american sense of personal space, and the dark sunglasses dad is wearing inside do not invite conversation.  mom seems nice and keep smiling at me; actually that is a little more sketchy than the shades in the shade.  i doubt this will turn into a blocking conversation.  good thing, i am typing again and want to keep the flowing motion.

the congestion has lifted, i am able to breath again.  the weight on my chest has gone, i can take a deep breath and feel the air filling my lungs.  i can touch the air and feel myself opening up.

hopefully you are not offended by the sounds of me clearing my blocked head.