coping parent

i have a friend in the US who i need to have detailed conversations with occasionally. because most of these happen late in the day for me, and come with filler time before the real discussion begins, my randomness tends to shine through. a few weeks ago we had a side conversation that i keep thinking about. it revolves around personal freedom, fear and parenting styles, all subjects that are hard for me to skip over; or fail to ruminate on.

to set the stage a bit, my friend is almost the poster child for upper-middle class soccer mom. she is smart, professional and respected. she is also semi-asian, fully american and east coast preppy, but with an asian parent and a bit of the "tiger mom" drive you would expect from a type-A over-achiever. if you needed someone organized and detailed on your team, she would be the choice.

we were talking a few weeks ago and somehow i turned the conversation to backpacking in europe. i was thinking about taking the train from amsterdam, through belgium and into france with my kids, and she admitted she had done the "sleep on the train" blast of moving around europe for a summer while in college. she said she had done something like 14 countries in 31 days, and when asked if she had enjoyed it, the answer was a simple "oh yeah".

it was clear she enjoyed her time, and has stories that i am sure are worth hearing. i am also sure they are only told to those much closer, better to be boxed up with other college aged memories and kept safe from prying eyes. as i heard her telling the story i was confused, it seemed out of character, but i was hopeful that i was seeing a new hippie mom side. so i asked if she wanted her kids to do the same trip, and the answer was an immediate "no way".

i had images of spending time with the kids in europe. my older son breaking his should either doing one arm hand-stands outside a bar at 2 AM (i was in the hotel with the other kids), or falling down the stairs in the hotel at 3 AM when her finally came home. my younger son taking a sip of his "beverage" at midnight, right after leaving the belgium restaurant where his sister ate horse. or standing in de wallen area of amsterdam explaining the women in the windows while his brother was in the coffee shop. these are all memories from the first family trip to europe. our eurail adventure headed for the south of france, but adjusted to champagne when things didn't work out on the train.

we are currently planning this years vacation. we have been doing a international vote for the past month, we are looking at flights and considering hotel locations. the kids have had the choice of a paradise island of ozzie surfers and bomb warnings, a communist country with great coffee shops and beaches americans bleed on or a semi-indian island that recently ended a 26-year civil war. we also considered one of the popular hindu temples nestled in a buddhist country, but it didn't have the draw of the locations on the list. my kids have become very good travelers, with discerning tastes.

but back to my friend... what is she trying to protect her children from? my older son, while walking around europe with one arm in a sling, asked if he could do a semester in europe. he had the city and the degree selected. i had reason to believe the plan was semi-directed by the rasta-haired twenty-something waitress he was spending time with. but i honestly wish he had executed the plan, it would have been good for him. also, as i look back on my early adulthood, i wish i had taken time to go to europe and learn more about the world, its people and the options out there if you took the time.

as a parent coping with kids, watching them grow up and hoping they are ready to take on the world, i am very happy my kids can get on an airplane, transit in europe and make it safely to asia. they will leave the US with euros in their pockets, they know how to negotiate a european airport and they know how to enjoy an non-american breakfast. i know they have the ability to react to issues that come up, i know they are smart enough to stay safe and see danger where their naive peers might just rush into high speed traffic of the world. they are able to take trains, they have able to adjust to a situation, they have learned to walk up to a guard holding a machine gun and ask for the bathroom in multiple languages.

i am not worried that my kids would not be safe as they travel the world. my daughter goes to NYC for new years, my older son already has control of his life fully in his hands. they have been trained, they have been prepared. they have seen me make mistakes, they have heard "semi-cleansed" stories of other adventures. i am looking forward to them taking on the world directly, i just hope they will share the stories with me. it would be bad for me if they didn't share, but worse if they never took the trip in the first place.

the world is too big, too interesting and too much fun to not go out and enjoy it. years ago i took the older kids to see "eurotrip", i laughed along with them and wished i had adventures like that when i was that age. i was too busy growing up. here is to hoping they take the time and safely enjoy themselves as they travel the world.

they are ready, and i can cope with it when they travel alone. for now, i am looking forward to us traveling together.

shamelessly moody

i spent last night watching two different dvd series. as i tossed and turned later, i realized there were similarities between the two shows. both follow non-typical american fathers. they are irish-americans from the east-coast, they are both single-ish and have children who are forced to see them for who they are; the virtues and flaws they have as men and fathers. neither of these guys are going to win a parenting award, they would not even make the nomination phase.

in "californication", hank moody, a new yorker living in venice beach, is a writer suffering from success. he has terminal writers block caused by the movie "crazy little thing called love" a script based on his book, the less feel good "god hates us all". he uses his gifts of wit and connection to move through life with a focus on staying within the moment. never taking the long view, he allows himself to indulge in nearly any random offer that presents itself. hank has two women in his life who matter deeply to him, his teenage daughter becca and his estranged not-a-wife karen. they are the only people he loves fully, but who are not quite enough of a conscience for him to suppress his libertarian naughtiness.

in "shameless", frank galagher lives in deeply blue collar south-side chicago, with his 6 children. rather, he lives among them, because he is rarely there to help them in any way. he is a raging drunk, not in the hip but sad moody manner of doing something inappropriate at a party, but in the painfully pathetic come home after days of absence smelling of vomit and bleeding from a broken nose with no memory of how he got that way. frank is not getting through life on his charm, more like a complete disregard for obligation matched to a practiced belief that the safety net of the liberal agenda is a dodge built specifically for him to never actually work.

when you first meet these guys you are shocked that anyone can live their lives like this. both are embarrassments to themselves, and more importantly to their loved ones. they careen through life, one alcohol infused crisis to the next, disappointing everyone with their unacceptable behavior. they are difficult to watch, but they are impossible to stop watching, because as the proverbial car-wreck happening right in front of you, you just can't stop the morbid fascination demanding to know what will happen next.

but these are the first impressions. as you continue to watch, you begin to see a depth to these men you missed while overcoming your immediate revulsion. you notice that as events unfold those closest to them continue to allow them to be close. there is a distance that people take out of self preservation, but they do not force them out of their lives. they might take space when the craziness gets too intense, but they never close the door fully. this may be seen as codependence by some, but watch closely and you may see it as true love and a respect for family bonds.

you also notice that both moody and frank are central in the lives of their children. as you watch them, you realize they love their children. they are too self-absorbed to be there as full-time care givers, or even to be sober at the appropriate times, but you can see that they realize they need to be better than they are. the angst they express in being less than the perfect father is painful to watch, but is also hopeful because it appears to be the single motivation capable of pulling them back from the brink of self-destruction.

the thing that makes these losers good men, is being self-aware that they are full of shit. neither of them makes excuses for their behavior, they know they habitually make bad choices, and seem to accept that given the same circumstances they would probably make them again. but rather than trying to cover that up, they admit to themselves and others that what they do is unacceptable. it's the elimination of hypocrisy, by admitting the truth to themselves and not hiding it that makes them role models in an anti-hero sort of way. they also say they are sorry to those they hurt, and when the ones you hurt most are your own saying sorry can be very hard.

the result of this is also that they do not make choices for others around them. the children of these men are smart, capable and ready to take on the world. moody and frank are also smart, but they allow their stupidity to get in the way. their children on the other hand are smart, smart enough to try to stay out of trouble. they have good reason for this, they have a "there but for the grace of god" image of what can happen to them if they are not careful. since they are in some ways parenting their parent, they do not have the luxury to allow themselves to go off the rails.

and this brings us back to the question of a parenting award. both of these guys are anything but the classic "father knows best" image of american life. no group of opinion givers would vote for them, because they are not acceptable role models. but that is based on first impressions. when you live with them you realized that having someone listen to you is better than being talked at, you know that having someone admit their faults better than hiding them, you recognize that you are capable of doing more because you needed to be able to. the moms in the PTA, or the case worker from DFCS, might not see it but parents who believe in their children, even if its because they see they are in no position to be judgmental, are hard to come by.

this is why the kids in these shows are so able. they do have good role models, just not ones that are socially acceptable. the best part of moody and frank's parenting is that they love their children and show them the best qualities an unreliable adult can; truth, honesty and compassion for others.

these men are not the narcissists others believe them to be, they are both fighting demons that only they know. but, when possible they keep the fight away from the children, even if that means they are absent. when they are with the kids you see great moments of parenting. parenting with self-realization, like:

Becca: Do you remember what you used to do for me when I couldn’t sleep?

Hank : Dose you with opiates?
Becca: No. Look at the ocean and count mermaids.
Hank : I did do that. I’m a better father than I thought.

these men might be embarrassments, but they are also better fathers than they thought.

naked pool

this vacation is coming to a close. we are on day seven of the get away to get away tour. i have only called work once, i have done email a few times, but i have been happily disconnected from the internet most of the time. i have lost one almost completed book, and read parts of three others. we have had drinks at sunset every single night, and then snuggled in with dvd series. but the best part of the vacation was the single element required as we searched for villas. it is the element we loved last summer in thailand, and the one i will miss the most when it is not available. it is the part of asian top-end resorts i have come to love, the naked pool.

when we checked into our third resort, it was quickly noticed that we had no view. the room was great, big bed, wonderful bathroom, a bathtub outside that was placed into a pond with plants, fish and very loud frogs. there was a sitting area on the other side with grass leading to a high stone wall that ran all the way around the villa. the villa sat on a terraced hill, following the contour lines of rice padi's surrounding the resort. it was very quiet and secluded, facts that called out as you looked at the long still lap pool outside the rooms wall of windows.

last year we had gone to thailand and barely left the resort. the spa, the bar and wonderful chef who made yummy beignet in the morning and quesadilla at night were all good. but the room with the private walls and swimming pool were the draw. throw in an outside shower and a open air bathtub and you get a glimpse of a vacation for the rich and famous. now mix in a gentle zen spa vibe, service with asian distance and someone you are comfortable with and you get to a holiday that sends the stress of life far, far away.

so as we searched for villas for this trip, we had the single requirement. a naked, sorry private, pool. we ended up with the first room surrounded by rice padis and over looking at the beach, but set to the side of the resort with walls on three sides for added privacy. the second room had walls ten feet high all around, with added height in areas that adjacent rooms second floor could look down into the pool. clearly added to ensure privacy for all. and now, this room again with high wall, but without the views the site had talked about. i asked the butler showing us to the room and he explained. other villas have a view of the jungle and river bottomed valley, but these are the rooms they put the "private" guests in. i made a face and he explained.

some of the guests are so famous they can not check in under their own names. if they were in the other rooms there would be people with cameras in the jungle trying to take pictures of them. these rooms are built for them, to ensure their privacy, and to allow them to enjoy their vacations. the vision of a someone checked in as "anna scott" who had come to be the most famous recreation of "eat, pray, love" needing time away from the paparazzi snapped into my head. i was not sure how i felt about staying in a room that a runaway bride may have stayed in, but the pool awaited.

the next few days were a cycle of swim, outside bath and overall relaxation. if a star did stay in this room, i hope they were smart enough to relax in the pool and tub. i had painfully sad visions of someone not being comfortable enough to fully enjoy the freedom.

i was taken back to my penultimate summer on the cape, when i tried to motivate a midnight trip to the beach for a natural swim. that attempt was sadly not shared, new england puritanical mores winning out over newport hippy culture. but all was not lost, i was able to correct the misjustice and teach the love of freedom a few years later in borneo, when we left the rainforest music festival, dodged a guard, abandoned the half uptight, and played in the south china sea.

but here i was, far from the house in truro, paparazzi safely walled out, with the most relaxing trip of all time quickly slipping away. it was time to fill the tub, and do some laps in the pool while the water ran.

as auntie ann used to say, of course i was wearing a suit, my birthday suit.