be better

i have been a grumpy bastard for much of 2013.  not every day, not all the time, but enough that i am sick of myself on a semi-regular basis.  i realized this morning how close i am to the end of the year, and that this is a good chance to do something about the self-loathing.  i need to make myself some promises for the coming year.  next week a new year begins and i need a framework to work towards my goal.

some points to note.  i almost never make new years resolutions.  they seem forced and fake, picking something to do to change yourself ... yeah right.   if you wanted to be that way, wouldn't you be already?

people choose things that they have always wanted to do and have never done.  "write a novel" ... when you have no history of writing is a pretty big jump.  they have no idea of the time and effort the resolution would take because they have never done anything like that... any resolution you make while blind to the effort it takes is destined to fail.  rule #1, nothing you haven't done before.

people also choose things they don't really enjoy.  a smoker who has smoked for 20 years should not be thinking about giving up smoking; unless there is something else they want even more ... like living after their second heart attack and signs of lung cancer ... then again, if they really love to smoke, leave them alone, they love it, and have been looking at the pictures on the pack for long enough to have thought about what their lungs look like ...  rule #2, pick things you actually enjoy (or have strongly enjoyed in the past).

what about having failed at it in the past ... i have an issue here, i have decided to lose weight before, last year in fact, not at new years -- it wasn't a resolution, it was a plan... and i failed, miserably ... self-delusion is the driver for too many when they make their resolutions, they just don't appreciate the limits of their ability to change.  rule # 3, try to not make the same resolutions you have made and failed at the past.  if you do repeat, find a way to change them to make them achievable.

the other thing people do is take on too much at one time.  the ability to get through something difficult is both the strength of conviction, and the level of strain someone is under.  get someone stressed, or tired, and will goes out the window.  comfort behavior kicks in, and the bad comes on like a warm blanket ... so, don't take on too much.  allow yourself rest and reward between stressful events ... rule #4, don't over due your commitment.

sounds good right?  i have clearly given this thought and do know how to set reasonable goals... i need to find things i really enjoy, i have been successful with before, focus on the ones that will really make me happy and make them achievable both in number and scale...

and in that vein i have decided to go with 10 changes, the first two are elements of the same goal of getting my fat-irish-ass back to a shape other than round.  the others support other themes.

1. exercise almost every day (run a 10K by the end of 2014)
2. eat to live, instead of live to eat  (lose 50 lbs in 35 weeks)
3. use kanban to plan work and home
4. use moleskine to-do to track days
5. actively code
6. call all three kids 3 times a month
7. call mom once a month
8. motorcycle at least once a week
9. travel to focus on sanity
10. be sociable, delay the misanthrope tendencies

you don't like that, you think that is too many things to focus on?  maybe i need to be more selective and find achievable goals.  these are too tactical for you, huh?  hmmmm, lets summarize these up into their themes.

• get fit
• be a better manager
• be a better father/son
• relax and enjoy life

yeah, i didn't go with a list like this in the first place because of the lack of SMART goals.  this is the middle of review season, and goals are due in a week or two, how can i go with a summarized list that doesn't give me a structure to measure against ... the original list of 10 each had fine grained steps below them, steps that were suppressed for brevity ... that was a good thing right ...

you want more brevity?  now that we are summarized to themes you don't really care about any details ... these themes are all about one thing; driving the grumpy bastard down the road. 

if you don't care about the details at all, you just want a single simple goal.  how can i boil this down to something concise... 

okay, here this is it:

• be better 

that is a goal we could all embrace for 2014.  you do your part, i'll do mine and we can get together at the end of the year and see how we have done.

gibbs rules

i watch NCIS ... it's not my favorite show, but it is on the comfort list.  i have other shows i definitely like more; mostly with protagonists who are more moody or clearly broken than this show.  this is a feel good, team work, do the right thing, what ever it takes kind of american show.  at the center of it is leroy jethro gibbs and the set of rules that have become known as gibbs rules.

gibbs rules are not unique, most american kids grew up hearing some subset of these from our fathers, coaches, uncles and grand fathers.  some of them come directly from john wayne who taught us to "never apologize mister, it's a sign of weakness", stays on the list of most men; although the better of them break this rule when needed.

having a personal set of rules is part of getting older.  it's a sign of maturity that you have learned so many lessons you need to write them down, or are willing to share them with others.  a personal list may have come with hard lessons, but the lessons are not shared, just the rules.  everyone needs to learn their own lessons, but when they do that's when they might remember someone saying words they didn't really understand at the time.  rules are just words until you have the context to put them in.  some people might be able to follow rules without the lesson, but i need to feel the bruises before i learn the lesson.

in an effort to remember and share, here is my personal list of rules:

1. family first
2. secrets are not secret if anyone knows
3. everybody lies
4. balance requires flexibility
5. to remember it, write it down
6. don't assume, check; then confirm
7. listen, hear, think then talk
8. when in doubt; don't
9. never go anywhere without a knife
10. make a mess, clean it up
11. do what you are, use your strenghts
12. team, corp, god, country
13. it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission
14. bend rules, don't break them
15. swim across a riptide
16. don't apologize; it's a sign of weakness
17. when you are sorry, fix it 
18. if it doesn't hurt, it's not worth the effort
19. you want it, you carry it
20. wanting it is not needing it
21. you need less than you packed
22. carry on, or be left behind
23. slow is smooth, smooth is fast
24. you don't need to to outrun the bear, just the other guy
25. when the map doesn't match the mountain, believe the mountain
26. never swim alone
27. lead, follow or get out of the way
28. promises made are promises kept
29. what is measured improves
30. delegate, trust, then monitor
31. hire, train and get out of the way
32. see one, do one, teach one
33. elegance is engineering without extras
34. nothing lasts forever, enjoy it while it does
35. always be ready to walk away
36. when the ride ends, get off
37. shake hands when the game is over
38. there is always someone better, work harder
39. easy is boring, hard almost never is
40. just good enough usually isn't
41. bad things happen, wear a helmet
42. if paying for it takes longer than the enjoyment, its probably not worth it
43. you don't know enough, keep learning
44. you are going to be wrong, get over it
45. when you're wrong, don't be the last to realize it
46. when you see a contradiction, check your assumptions
47. simple is best, correct is better
48. fear helps you focus, keep moving
49. happiness comes from inside
50. its all about the love

this list is neither complete or finished.  i am hoping to keep learning my lessons and growing the list when new bumps teach me things.  some of these lessons go back to a very early age, some are newer... all are part of me now.  i own the rules, because i have the memories, the scars or bruises, that back them up.

as i type this i am thinking about standing in the kitchen and holding e back from the stove.  i was taking bread out and he wanted to help.  i told him it was hot ... he didn't listen... i stood back and watched him reach out to the door again... the shocked look on his face said it all, he had just learned to not touch the hot stove.  his eyes accused me of burning him and is said, "i told you not to do it, did you learn a lesson?" ... i don't think he even remembers this moment of my sideways parenting.  i wonder if he has a rule that applies?

i mentioned that gibbs is not my favorite character, but a number of my rules are close to his.  one of mine is a direct copy, including the number.  after quoting it to angel too many times to remember, she has just begun to remember it.  now is not the time to change it.

gibbs rules are part of his teaching of staff.  i am not sure how many of my rules any my staff have picked up over the years.  what is more important is that they have rules of their own.  everyone's rules are their own, or should be if they are going to be actually appreciated.

these are mine, if you want your own, remember rule #5.