Monday, January 31, 2011

one word

i started today in a semi-strange mood. it seemed like things were just not clicking, the timing was slightly off, and i wasn't really sure why. the skys were dark and grey for the third straight day. for the second day in a row it was raining, which for KL is a very strange. the upside was that the weather allowed me to take a jacket as i left the house, something the normal tropical heat of KL elmininates as a choice.

my day typically starts with a stop for coffee. the past few months i have settled into a routine of going to the starbucks close to my apartment. i take the time to drink espresso at the bar before i head off to the rest of my day. as i walked in the door today i saw that my favorite barista was there, a malay girl in tudong who appears to harbor libertarian feminist views. knowing the conversation would be interesting, i smiled as i walked in.

she asked me how i was as i moved over to the bar, and i said, "i am happy i get to wear my raincoat", showing the jacket off as i settled in. this was when she asked the first question, "can you describe happiness"? such a simple question, one which i have been thinking about alot lately, but how can you describe a state of mind? happiness is different for everyone, it even changes as you go though life, so how do you explain happiness to others?

i had spent most of saturday watching movies. i thought "eat, pray, love" would be an uplifting film for a rainy weekend. julia roberts is usually fun, and i expected something like "under a tuscan sun", with the plumbers and the bright colors of italy. in the end, the movie felt too surface for me, as though the distance liz kept from those around her limited the viewer from connecting to the film itself.

the one moment of happiness i did see in the film was when liz ate simple a bowl of pasta in italy. it was a moment that represented her renewed hunger for life. the passion for enjoyment, and the fact that she had found it in a simple pleasure that she was enjoying alone was not lost on me. these thoughts had flashed into my mind when i heard the question, but before i could answer a second question came, "what is happiness, in one word"?

this one had me stumped, i had this great image of living in italy, learning the language, exeriencing the culture, hearing the sites and sounds of the people and having a glass of barbera d'alba and a delicious bowl of pasta dressed in tomato basil on the table in front of me. but how would i decribe that in one word?

it did get me thinking again about the elements of happiness. to be happy i would suggest someone do the following:

  • spend time with the people you love
  • find space to be yourself
  • be successful in the things that matter to you
  • live in a safe place
  • eat good food
  • feel your body move with vigourus exercise
  • know you matter to others in the world
  • accept yourself and others as they are
  • forgive so you can move forward
  • be as good as you can be
  • safely indulge your vices
  • travel the world as widely as you can
  • learn something new everyday
  • feel nature around you
  • relax enough to focus on nothing

now that i have a list what can i do to boil this down? this is a pretty complex set of values that i am suggesting someone have to allow happiness. i also know this list does not fit everyone. this is a list that suits me, and it specifically excludes the need to be sure about anything or to have the answers to big questions. both are things i don't see as possible, and having them would not give me anything close to pleasure.

the word i got to standing in starbucks was "relaxed". in some ways i meant this as a lack of fear, guilt or anger, and in others i meant the actual ability to simply slow down and do nothing more than feel the wind and sun on your skin. a moment of quietness for the mind, soul and body, a moment that stretches into the next, without stress or pressure. a moment you can share with others or enjoy yourself. that is happiness for me.

in "eat pray love" liz learns the italian term, "dolce far niente" -- the sweetness of doing nothing. and that might sound like what i mean by the above, in fact at times that might be exactly what i mean. but happiness is not about doing nothing, it's about doing everything, at your own pace and in a way that taps into your passions and brings you joy.

i think i chose the word relaxed because of the times i was not living. i was too worried about the past and the future. that led to not lving in the moment, which was a life that was not lived. i am happy because i accept the world and who i am, i hope others accept me in return. for anyone who doesn't, well my father had a saying for that too:

"fuck em if they can't take a joke" -- that sounds harsh, but then again my father did know how to be happy.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

asian parents

the US is in the middle of a conversation on parenting that started when amy chau, a yale law professor, wrote a book on asian parenting which was excerpted by the WSJ. why chinese mothers are superior is an interesting piece, that i have to admit i thought was a joke as i read through it the first time. but tiger mom, as she is now being called, was not kidding. she, based on the text of the WSJ article, is serious that parents must force their kids to achieve. she tells stories of calling her daughter "garbage" and withholding food so she practiced piano to learn a difficult piece. this is long after almost all american parents would have allowed their kids to give up and sent them to play xbox.

my experience as a child was more or less the direct opposite of tiger mom parenting. my parents were hippies with a gypsy bohemian approach that allowed their kids to find their own way. the fact that i came to believe my parents needed someone to remind them that education mattered, that small things like paying the bills and ensuring health care was in place, left me feeling that i needed to parent them more than the other way around. surviving an imposed alternative lifestyle when i was young convinced me that a conservative life was the course for me. i needed to build a safe and comfortable life for me kids, find a stable partner, teach the children right from wrong and always be there to help them make the right choices.

nagging at the back of this was the bohemian side of my personality. my parents gave me the ability to see that right and wrong as a function of situation. what malaysia sees as a reason to put someone to death is allowed in jamaica and fully legal in amsterdam (and a growing number of states following california). parenting in the 21st century with children who are allowed to travel the world comes with advice suggesting "when in rome, do as the romans". i wonder how asian parents feel about this advice, but then again i want my kids to be capable more than conformist.

i had a debate with an asian yesterday about potty training. i had personally "missed the chance" because i was distracted during the morning and knew i was going to need to wait until 10pm for it to present itself again. i was told i should just go sit and wait. that was the way asian parents taught their children, they sit them down and tell them they can not move until they accomplish the task. i tried to push back and explain that it was not really a choice for me, i knew i had missed the window of opportunity and just needed to let things happen as they will.

the two of us stood there looking at each other, not really sure where to go next. we were at a cultural bypass. i clearly did not understand the need to teach children the self control to force things to happen on a schedule, my asian doubter did not understand the idea that things happen in their own time.

i tried to tell the story of teaching my son he controlled his own destiny. the deal was that when he was ready to use the toilet he would not need to wear diapers and would move from the crib to a "big boy" bed. one day he asked for the big boy bed, and was reminded of the deal, he resisted and we held firm. a few days later he called us into the bathroom, took his seat and finished with a loud round of applause. grandparents were called to share the big news, and the big boy bed came out of storage and was ready for bed time. it was not our decision for him to be ready, it was his and he alone took the praise for the success.

my parents telling me that what was important was for me to "be happy", allowed me find a course of life that was very different than theirs. it also allowed me to change course over the years and come to understand that i am much more bohemian that i ever expected, even if i am a bourgeois bohemian which is very different than they are. it's also not what i had in mind as i picked the conservative future, a future that flamed out and sent me on this road.

the potty conversation yesterday made me realize that the fundamental difference of the world view was this, asian parents want their children to learn to conform to the parents rules, take their advice on timing and control the timing and methods of their most personal choices. this is in direct contrast to the scary and permissive attitudes that tiger mom is warning the US about, she is reminding us that our children are children and must be controlled; long after most of us would have given them freedom of adulthood.

western parents are permissive when it comes to allowing self direction and choice. but, at least in our house, it comes with limits also. choices have consequences and everyone must own up to their decisions. they must accept that they were free and must live with the results they have imposed on themselves. maybe our parenting could be boiled down to the simplest of directions:

"it's your life, but if you want to shit your pants, don't ask us to clean it up"

mediocre meritocracy

a friend of mine asked me to review the college transcript of a family member recently. the question was, what should the family member do for work now that they have graduated college. i remember being in my early twenties and questioning what to do with my career, so i was happy to take a look and see if there was a direction that jumped out. i wondered how it would have gone if someone had looked at my transcript long ago and helped me decide what to do. is it possible to see a future by looking at the numbers on a page, numbers that tell very little of the story of the real reasons for the grades.

as i reviewed the grades, i had to wonder why this person stayed in the program to begin with. it was clear they did not like the core curriculum, and might have done well to find a degree that held more passion for them. i asked about this and was told, they were "assigned" this degree. i was not able to figure out who had done the assignment. this was clearly not something the student had wanted. it may have been parents, and i would not be surprised if the school or the government overall had taken it upon themselves to select a future for this young person. the truth was that the student and the program were clearly a mismatch, one that sadly will probably never be corrected.

as i graduated high school, i had few plans beyond going into the marine corp and flying helicopters. one rainy summer afternoon i went to see the recruiter, a squared away marine that impressed young men in all the ways that motivate them to sign on the dotted line. we talked about why i wanted the program and what i hoped for in the career. he told me that to fly for the marines i needed to graduated college, if not i had two choices, enlist and hope to work myself into officer candidate school, or go into the army and fly as a warrant officer. neither of these were choices i was interested in, i had a vision of what i wanted and i knew i needed to adjust to get it.

as i slid into the drivers seat of my old junky car, i knew i needed to take a direction i had not anticipated. i decided in that moment that i was going to college, i would get the degree i needed to qualify and i would make my dreams happen. from there it was a series of conversations and quickly made decisions that pushed me down the road of life. i selected my college because someone told me i couldn't get into his school, and if i did get it i would not survive the first semester because the school had a policy of over accepting and then weeding out the freshmen who were not committed enough to work.

i began freshman year as an education major, with thoughts of following george, dave and barry into the classroom and onto the field as i had followed them into the water. i dropped the major after a conversation with the department head. a conversation that focused on the question, "what do you want out of life?" my honest answers led my advisor to suggest i leave his department and find something that would allow more freedom and challenge.

my plans came to a crushing stop when the tractor jumped forward and pinned both legs between it's bucket and the curb i was standing in front of. it took me over a year to get back on my feet and begin to rebuild the legs. they quickly broke down and i had to accept that my future was once again not going to be what i expected. i would not join the second PLC group i was assigned to, i would not take the guaranteed aviation slot, i would not wear the uniform.

i was now qualified to do almost nothing. i had dual degrees that had taught me to think and learn, but no skills that made it clear where i was headed. i liked to debate and with a mixed sense of need to break and enforce rules, i decided i needed to go to law school and become a lawyer. i had no schools in mind, i had not worked directly towards this in college and i was sick of being a student. i wanted to do something, so i decided to work for a few years to allow me to travel and experience the world.

i was quickly consumed with work, found my way though three completely different jobs inside of one company, fell into a position doing software engineering and mixed the ability to think fast, communicate clearly, do just in time learning and allow my hubris to drive me from one risk to the next. i took no time to travel, i worked and worked and kept saying next year would be the year i took time and relaxed a little. but next year had new challenges, another chance to work on something new, and those drove me forward, up and over the bubble; directly through crashes that could have derailed me if i didn't take the turns as quickly as they came.

along this whole course i am sure people tried to give me advice. after moving to malaysia my ex-wife was talking to my mom, when mom expressed reservations about me being on the other side of the world my ex-wife asked why she had not told me that directly. "what is the use, you know him, he is going to do what he wants to do and doesn't listen to anyone". when i was first told about this conversation i almost got upset, mom had given me her best wishes and i felt as though she had lied to me. but i also realized she was right, and if she had told me she was worried i would have moved anyway. i had taken another turn when it came, stopping or backing up was really not an option.

i have enjoyed all the success i have had. there have been some major bumps on the road, ones that have caused damage, but allowing someone else to tell me what to do would not have helped me. i was the only one capable of making my choices. if i had listened i would be like the student who had listened, i would probably be in a life that i did not enjoy and would always wonder what else would have happened if i had made my own choices. "take the safe course" is what most advice boils down to, how boring is that. that is where you end up with a world of mediocrity.

this brings me to the advice i will give, its one of the pieces of advice my father gave me that i did listen to,

"whatever you decide, be the best you can be"