Saturday, April 21, 2007

fatherhood

in the past 10 days i have played with and held children on three continents. i have had a little monster with bright blue eyes and green crocs, dance with joy at the simple sight of me. i have had a seven year old run to me and hug me so hard that i was able to start breathing again after three months of holding my breath. i have also gotten a hug from a wild-haired teenager who makes it clear that although she gives the best hugs in the world, she only gives them to grandma.

with no doubt in my mind i can say that i lead a strange and blessed life. i have children; i am a father, which is all i really ever wanted to be. i have had different jobs: lifeguard, accountant, software engineer, consultant, manager. but, the job i have enjoyed the most, missed the most when i was not doing it is father. work is simply work, it allows me provide for the family, in the past 15 years it has also let me build surrogate families which i could lead and in whom i called the staff, “the kids”. but the kids that matter to me the most are the little ones with the big eyes who bring you a toy and ask you to play with them, expecting you to say “of course” because of who you are.

i have three children from my marriage; one for which i was there at conception and birth. being there and holding my wife’s hand while she gave birth to our children was a defining goal for me as i entered adulthood. i would find a woman i loved, we would have children, we would make them from the love we shared and we would always be there for them. that is what i still want to accomplish, but the rules of the game have changed to allow me to still declare this a win.

i proposed to my wife when her daughter looked at me one night while i was tucking her in. she was beautiful with big brown eyes and a bigger loving heart. she asked me, “will you marry my mommy and be my daddy?” there was nothing more in the world that i wanted, or that i thought would make me happy. i married the woman i loved and i ended up with three kids, all of whom i love equally, all of whom call me dad.

there are men in this world who walk away from their children. some live 20 minutes away and never see the kids. they may be too busy, or too angry, to pick up the phone and see how the kids are doing. they don’t want to bump into the new man in mom’s life or they simply never had the interest in the kids in the first place. many have the ability to blame the wife for all the things that poisoned the relationship and have caused them to not see the kids. you find these men starting over, starting new families and saying this time will be different. do any of these men see themselves as bad fathers? do they take responsibility for the tears the children shed?

fatherhood is the small moments. it’s taking the time to get out of the chair and to teach the kids to swim. it’s taking the training wheels off the bike and telling them its okay to fall, as long as you get back up again and keep trying. it’s cleaning a scrape out and holding them until they stop crying. it’s taking them to the window and laughing at the lightening that has them scared; making a game of it so they are never scared again. it’s keeping in mind the big picture and picking your battles, its staying relaxed when they have your frustrated, its laughing when you could otherwise be upset. its making sure they know there is nothing in the world more important to you than they are.

fatherhood is taking a picture as you drive fast down the highway, to digitally capture the sun shimmering on the wind blown hair of your daughter, or waking up in the middle of the night on the couch with your head touching your son’s head. it’s lighting a fire in the back yard and letting the kids play in the dirt until they are exhausted. it’s taking time from your writing to give your kid a hug, just because he needs one.

the most important part of fatherhood is to be able to love their mother. it doesn’t matter what happened in the relationship. kids need to know they were made from love. they need to know that the two people they love the most are willing to put any other issues aside for them. this is the difference between a man and a father. fathers put the kids first, always.

i am not the dictionary definition people think of when they think of a father. i live half a world away, i stay connected via the internet, but i love my kids with all my heart. fatherhood is the only job i will ever define myself by. my bonus is the hugs and smiles i get from the kids. life is good, good because i have kids in my life who love me.

three lives

things in my life are changing, moving quickly, more quickly than i would have guessed or asked for. the fact that my life is in a constant state of change is nothing new. i used to work in a profession that guaranteed change. i liked it, i looked forward to it, i told myself it made me better and helped me remember who my clients were and why they had me there.

one day a few years ago i heard the words, “i am not happy”, this was like lighting a fire under me. i have had people who were unhappy around me my whole life, but the person saying these words was my life. if unhappiness had crept this close to me, i knew there was suffering on the way. to avoid the pain and suffering on the horizon more change was required. i had been changing already, anticipating hearing these words, but the pace increased. i started to change everything i could. nothing worked, even more change, and the pain came. it was unavoidable. i lost the life i loved.

i spent years in mourning. all the stages of grief were there: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. even after all that, i was still not ready to move on. i would find people who i enjoyed being with, but who had some … block that kept us from being happy. i would start relationships knowing they were doomed to end. i would find women who would spend the time to tell me how wrong i was for them. it was fun to continue to meet people who would remind me that i would never meet their family, because the family would not accept me.

during all this time, i had the image of the perfect woman for me. she was smart, motivated, strong, and professional. she had a mind of her own, could communicate and was willing to share, but she had a soft nature that made me remember that she was a woman with strong feelings. she was also deeply feminine, with a sense of style and comfort in her womanhood. she would read challenging books, while sitting at the pool having a drink and watching the kids play. we would wake up together in the morning, go to church, have lunch with the family, cook dinner together, she would dry the dishes as i washed them, finally we would sit together on the couch and she would talk to me about things that were important to her. we would spend all day finding excuses to touch each others hands gently for no reason at all.

so i had one life i that i missed, one i was living – and enjoying, even if it was not perfect – and the life i truly wanted, but had no real hope of finding.

one saturday night, i went to dinner. i had met and had a very good time with my dinner companion in the past. we were able to sit and talk, for hours with no effort. our time together had never felt like the date, or interview, i had come to associate with meeting new people. we were comfortable with each other, and neither of us seemed to be trying to impress the other. we both seemed to be done with dating and were using our cynicism to limit any expectations.

somewhere during that night, sitting in a crowded bar, we shared a moment. we actually shared a few moments, a smile, a brushing of the skin on our arms, a grasp of hands, a kiss, a hug and finally when the lights came on an agreement that we would continue the night together. rather than going our own ways, we decided to go together into the night and to find if the comfort and ease would follow us into moments of privacy.

the comfort has stayed with us, the moments have turned into hours, days and weeks. we are talking about each other with friends, our families know about us, we have pictures of each other openly displayed, we are planning things months into the future. there are thoughts of things much longer into the future which are scary to even consider planning, but there is one constant, comfort.

i still have three lives. i have one that is no longer the life i spend all my time thinking about. i have another which is moving quickly and which – although i know it should be – is not freaking me out. and, lastly i have one that is no longer a life i think i will never have.

this could all blow apart in a moment, if it does, i will not destroyed. i can not allow that to happen again so soon, so i will simply not let that happen. but i have found that i can fall in love, i can think of a new woman sharing my future, i can hand someone the key to my heart and tell them to come and go when ever they want. there will never be a need to call first, there will never be anyone one else behind a closed door, there is no need to knock because the door will be open.

leaving the door open is a sign of trust. that is what i have found, the ability to trust someone else, as well as being able to trust myself. the locks of the past never protected me, so i am just going to give the key and not freak out when she uses it.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

public displays of affection

i am sitting in a business class lounge in milan, waiting for a plane back to the US. the woman in her late fifties sleeping in the chair next to me just woke up, stretched, got up and prepared herself to leave. she reached over to her husband and they kissed and hugged each other. it was a loving, gentle moment that these two people shared in a very crowded room full of strangers.

this moment got me thinking about our abilities to open up and show affection for each other. last night as i left a party, i gave a few hugs, and kissed the women on the cheeks – three times, the way i have been trained in belguim. one of the americans there asked for a hug, but i didn’t want to give him one; the other threatened me if i tried to give him one. both of these men had spent three full days discussing every woman who walked by, but now i find one or both of them is uncomfortable with the easy showing of affection a hug or a kiss on the cheek portrays in europe.

one of my best friends in the world was in prague this week. we spent much of our free time together with others. other than an occasional bump of the shoulders while we were telling a story, there was no physical contact. but we get along very well and the closeness shows. the fact that we are different genders motivated two people to ask if we were sleeping together. we have been a couple in the past, but we both have other people in our lives now and mentioning those others while talking completely confused people. you could see the looks on their faces; “but, you're so close”.

one afternoon a friend in malaysia im’d me and mentioned she had seen a couple kissing in public the day before. this was a bit shocking – and hopeful – for my westernized, but hidden friend. i told her a story of a couple in a bar the night before, they were sitting and talking. it was late at night and the place was mostly cleared out. the bartender was walking around and asking if we had any “last wishes”. i glanced up and saw the couple smiling at each other and as i watched he leaned down and kissed her gently between her breasts. she smiled at him and kissed him lightly on the lips in thanks. my friend was shocked that it was so easy and accepted.

all of these small moments are examples of the differences between the three societies i live within. the rules are different, the moments of exchange are different, but i am the same person. i try to fit into each of these cultures, but honestly am most comfortable within europe. my favorite waiter in the world is named luc, last weekend i drove 30 minutes of my way to go to a town i have never been to before to find luc’s new restaurant. the drive was worth it because every time you see luc he gives you a kiss hello and goodbye; man or woman doesn’t matter. he knows i live in asia and asked me about it. we have very limited shared language, but it always feels wonderful when i see luc. there is nothing like this in the US or asia for me.

another moment of public affection this week was when a colleague who has just moved from the US to europe walked into a large room that i was sitting in, with many people at desks. he was going to have a quick meeting with someone and we saw each other as he walked in. without words, we walked up to each other and had a quick but strong embrace. as we parted i felt the eyes of the staff around us, many eastern european who are a bit more restrained in their levels of contact. i whispered to him “i think we are freaking out the straights”. we smiled at each other and went back to the work we were each doing. the whisper was the only words we spoke to each other, but i am happy i saw him and had the chance to hug.

the american who asked for the hug in the bar last night, the one who i was sure was asking to make a joke, and honestly would not have felt comfortable with the physical contact, pushed the point, trying to embarrass me with my comfort in showing friends these small tokens of affection. before i walked out, i reached over and hugged him from behind, and kissed him on the back of the neck. the 12 other people around the table burst into laughter, and i was sure i had made my point.

public displays of affection for many are normal and common. for others they are foreign and frightening. as i know from my time in a muslim country, sometimes they are forbidden but exciting given the risk being reported.

i live in three cultures, i am more or less comfortable in each, but i find that public displays of affection are the moments that you remember later. they are the moments that you carry with you for the rest of your life. they bring smiles and an inner peace. i think it’s that the more open you can be, the easier it is to enjoy the moment.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

first world

i am traveling for the next few weeks; i will have 4 long haul flights over a three week period. these flights are a great time for me to sit and think. yesterday i was thinking about the months after i moved to malaysia. there were so many things to learn, so many differences to get used to, so many things to get used to not having. i find that expats who enjoy the experience embrace the new country and its people, rather than expecting the new place “to be like home”.

when i first came to malaysia, it did not meet my expectations. it was much more modern than i had feared, the roads were new and well constructed, the telephony system felt as stable and open as the european market and the lights stayed on without interruption. i was able to communicate in english with most people, which i translated as a sign that people were educated, and people were welcoming, from the taxi drivers to staff at MDeC everyone appeared to be friendly and helpful to an outsider coming into the country.

after spending more time in the country i began to realize malaysia is not what i expected, but it is also not what i was leaving behind. i remember someone saying the words, “malaysia is not a first world nation”, this was actually a shocking thing for me to hear. it was said with such deep conviction, it was also said with limited hope that it would change soon. malaysia did not feel like mexico or afghanistan or somalia countries randomly chosen from a long list of countries i would consider to be third world. i continued to hear people say that malaysia is not "first world", and when i did i would argue that if it is not, then it is not "third world" either. it is a wonderful place, with great potential and seemed to be moving in the right direction.

a year has passed; i have spent much more time with the country and its people. while flying yesterday i was thinking of the things i could enjoy while in europe and the US. the simplicity of life i could enjoy because of the little differences, differences i started to list in my head. i realized malaysia could go from a good place to live to a great place if attention were paid to the following things:

road signs that work
people are constantly shocked at how well i move around KL. i have maps that i carry with me at all times. when i need to go somewhere i can pull one out and get to that place. i love maps, but in KL it’s a requirement, not a nice to have item. the road signs in malaysia are horrible, most highways do not have signs saying what road you are on, and no where is there a sign saying what direction you are going in. all roads in the US and europe have both.

i drove from schiphol airport to belguim yesterday, i left amsterdam and headed south taking A9, A2, A27, E19 following the signs that say the road numbers, direction and distances along the way. it’s a 187 km drive and i can do it without a map if i need to because it’s well marked the whole way. i could have kept going to paris, taking E19 all the way if I had the time to go there.

can someone now give me the directions from mont kiara to port klang, and remember the kesas highway does not have signs that say it’s the kasas highway; none, anywhere. not on the NKVE before you turn off, or when you are on the road.

roads that are built to move traffic, rather than collect tolls
if we can get the road signs to work, lets try to do two other things to the roads, make them the right size and interconnect them so you can go from one place to the next without needing the ability to map a maze in your head. take the LDP for example; it is 2 lanes on either side for most of its length. the traffic it carries needs a 4 lane road, but 3 would be helpful. the single place the road does open up is at the tolls. the sunway tolls have 10 booths on each side, clearly the priority is moving you through the tolls, not down the road itself.

once you are through the tolls, exiting off a road is also ridiculous. i now understand the reason is that roads are built by private groups, who are not forced to interconnect the roads in a reasonable way. take for example coming north on the LDP and trying to take the sprint over to bangsar. at tropicana you need to get off the highway and sit at a traffic light, which tends to get jammed, because the two roads are not connected in a sane way. there are very few roads with real ramp systems to move people on and off efficiently. here is a rule of thumb, if you need to use a u-turn to get somewhere, the roads are poorly connected.

i know urban planning is not big in KL, but can someone please focus on the traffic congestion. resizing the roads, and having them flow from one to the next in a way other than as an after thought would help; fixing this would be a MAJOR plus for everyone.

internet based maps of the country
once we have the roads fixed, can someone please pay google or yahoo to put malaysia on their maps platform? do you know how nice it would be to have someone invite you to dinner at atrium on heritage row, and be able to go to the internet and get driving directions?

the way you tell someone in KL how to do this is say “do you know where the sheraton is? no, okay it's on jalan sultan ismail. yes, near the hardrock. well, its right behind that”. this is great, once you know every building in town, but it’s less than wonderful when you are new to the city. this would also help the traffic situation if people knew the right way to get places, i am constantly telling people they are going the wrong way to get from one place to another – you don’t go from kl sentral to mont kiara though bangsar – if you cant use a map, it would be good if the internet could tell you how to get places.

credit card transactions over the phone/internet
have you ever tried to send flowers, buy an airline ticket or pay for a weekend holiday in KL? i was shocked that each of these involved a visit to pay for the item. in US and europe its all done over the phone or on the internet. i guess i can understand the flower shop not taking internet or phone orders – no i really don’t – but for malaysia airlines to need me to drive to kl sentral or KLIA to pay for a ticket is a complete waste of my time. if this can’t be fixed, the country will never move forward. first world countries focus on efficiency.

privacy to live without intrusion
i realize the asian environment is different than western, but the thought of ANYONE caring who i have in my bedroom, and feeling they are justified to barge in is appalling. there are laws in the US that are on the books regarding morality laws, no one worries about them being enforced. the climate of fear that surrounds things like who you sleep with, or worse what meat you cook and eat, is just sad. please, have your opinion, act the way you want to, but leave others alone to live their lives.

stop focusing on the differences
it’s a strange thing to have someone always tell me what ethnic group someone is when i am introduced to them. sometimes its obvious, but more and more its not clear which group someone is from. i think this is positive. the more mixed this country becomes, the less the differences can be used against one group or another. as a mat salleh, i am clearly an outsider but i know i am treated better because i am white. all malaysians should be considered the same, not separated by a line on their IC card.

independent newspapers with real editorials
when there are things that need to change to make a country better, the only way it happens is if the people can discuss the issues openly. this happens when there is a press that is free to speak its mind. sometimes they will say things that you disagree with, but hey that’s a way to understand what you really believe and to see that there is another opinion out there.

let’s stop pretending that there is only one opinion, or worse that other opinions are not as valid as the majority opinion. if we fix this and give people the chance to express themselves and have a voice, the educated and motivated may not be emigrating to other countries a quickly as they are.

a court system with judges that work for equality
this one doesn’t need to be discussed, it’s clear that if you are connected you can get away with anything, including murder. all you need to do have a political analyst take the fall, and go to trial. we all know he will get off and you will go free.

expect no corruption
getting pulled over by a police officer should not, so openly, be an opportunity for a bribe. it does help the expat to know that malaysian laws are so flexible, and that we should just do as we please. this is the simple example that permeates all levels of the culture though. from noticing that vendors are forced to give kick backs to landlords when doing work for a new space build out, to suggestions that paying off a minister is the fastest way to get something done, to watching major projects being done for the government though shell companies owned by the son of a minister or a group who has NO experience in the technology.

question, do we really need proton as a car company? especially when they are selling local cars for 2 – 3 times what they could be sold for in the US? this price is only supported by the tarrifs on cars which are hurting the consumer. we only do if we want to keep the suppliers producing over priced and low quality parts in business. VW will never come in and partnership if they are forced to use these suppliers. stop expecting, or accepting, that there is money to be skimmed.
[but, leave the DVD markets alone]

equal rights for women
i can not think of a single country where women are not considered equals, which is politically and economically forward. this is not just at work. men need to see women as equal in all areas of life. women have the same desires and motivations as men, stop believing that is not true. stop making them feel like they are not just as good an capable as a man, and you will find you have twice as many educated, motivated and capable people in the country – or more if US trends could be followed.

focus on real education
stop fighting about what language to teach in – it should be english so there is nothing to fight about – start focusing on real education. education should be focused on critical thought and ability to analyze and communicate. this requires the ability to argue a point and to accept an argument without getting upset that someone disagrees with you.

if you want to compete with countries who educate this way, you need to do it as well. malaysia will only go so far, possibly where it is today or was 10 years ago, if its people are not skilled in thinking creatively and being willing and able to take the risk to be wrong.

desire to compete
why is there not a public outcry to compare malaysia with singapore, india, thailand and indonesia and to find a way to beat each of these countries in every market you compete in? the conversation is always that malaysia is good, but never is how it can be better.



these are the things i would be focused on to make malaysia a great place to live for everyone. the first few are simple to implement, the latter would be much harder social changes that i hope some day happen. if malaysia is not focused on becoming a first world nation is should be focused on not clearly becoming a third world nation. if changes such as these are not made, if the issues become worse over time, the country is clearly at risk of becoming another indonesia. if this isn’t motive enough to change, i am not sure what would be.

indian summer

have you ever watched a movie that you love and then suggest it to friends and family to find that you appear to be the only person who enjoys the film? i have two movies like this, one of them is a small, quiet, sleeper film called indian summer. it is a film i watched on accident, and fell in love with. the dialogue, characters and pace all resonate deeply with me, but do not seem to do anything for anyone else i know. that has always made me sad, because i think of it as wonderful film that i would love to share with someone.

the movie begins with a group of friends returning to the summer camp of their youth at the invitation of the long time camp manager. unca lou (alan arkin) is more than a manager, he is the heart and soul of the camp. he “is” the camp and was part of the campers lives as they grew into the people they would later become. he has now invited a select group back for a long weekend, but only a few of them have returned.

at the first dinner of the weekend they are told the camp is closing. unca lou feels he has lost touch with the kids, he is going to retire and the camp will be shut. this brings to front the emotional insecurities of 30 something former campers who use unca lou as a pillar of stability in their personal lives. the thought of the camp not existing is like realizing a loved relative is about to die.

this plot is truly a vehicle to allow the issues of adulthood; death, commitment, infidelity, professional stress and personal dissatisfaction to be highlighted and exposed. different characters represent different emotional issues, but the collection does not seem overwhelming. the characters play off each other in perfect harmony; they feel like a group of friends with history among each other. this history provides both the motivations for and the acceptance of each others actions. the timing and pace of movie reflects the ease with which friends interact with each other, without the guarded and careful manners of new acquaintances.

here is an example:

jamie ross: do you wanna dance?
jennifer morton: i shouldn't. i shouldn't jamie. i mean it. you're scum.
jamie ross: i'm not sure. is that a yes?
jennifer morton: yeah, that's a yes.

or

jamie ross: if i have to dive into this water and swim over to you, you're gonna be a sorry little girl.
gwen daugherty: i'm already sorry. [jamie leaves]
gwen daugherty: i hope i didn't offend any of you. jamie needs to learn that he shouldn't over-wind his toys. [leaves]
jennifer morton: i gotta tell you. i like her. i like her a lot.

it is dialogue like this that makes the film for me. add to the dialogue a wonderful cast, one full of beautiful women such as diane lane, julie warner, kimberly williams. each of these woman are worth the time to watch the film, together they are wonderful. add to this kevin pollak, bill paxton, matt craven and the senior statesmen alan arkin who leads the cast with a soft elegance of someone comfortable in their trade.

although the dialogue and cast are wonderful, the movie is made better by the images of the camp -- a camp which really exists in canada and is famous for some of its former alums -- shot is soft autumn colors of red and yellow. the images of the lake the camp is on are consistently bathed in warm colors and shimmering lighting. it makes one long to be on the lake to share the camp experience.

the movie invokes the feeling of fall by highlighting the loss of youth, and the coming bitterness of middle age, but at the same time uses hope and rebirth to show that even after fall and winter, spring will bring the a renewal of the continuation of the seasons. this is not meant to sound heavy, the material is light hearted and warm. the friends share memories and new stories from their lives in a comfortable and caring way.

what has brought this movie to mind is that i was discussing films with someone the other day and i was surprised we enjoyed so many of the same films. i thought of this film and realized it was test. “indian summer, i love that movie” was the response. these are the types of connections that make relationships easy to have, much like the campers in the movie.

private time

it’s a strange thing about people that they always seem to want what they don’t have. i guess wanting what you do have is boring. you have it, there is nothing to do but sit back and enjoy. the thing i have had in limited supply lately is time just for me. work and personal life have both been busy; a few times i have been asked if i miss the private time that would come with being alone. the immediate answer was, “no, not at all”. as i sit and reflect, i am not sure why i don’t miss the private time.

i have always valued time alone, time to do the things that interested me and that did not interest others. sitting and reading a book cover to cover over the span of hours is a passion from my youth. the ability to focus on nothing but the world the writer is creating in your head. enveloping yourself in the reality that you create by mixing the writers words with your own experiences or imagination. private, self focused, time is the only way to accomplish this. the demands of life and work take the ability to focus this intensely away.

our company has a policy of work life balance. the basic premise is that work and life should both be given priority to allow the person to enjoy both aspects of their lives. once i was having a hallway conversation with my boss, i was commenting that the staff seemed to be a ragged. i felt we needed to slow down to give them the work life balance we were saying we cared about. his witty reply was, “work life balance, that’s really just a marketing phrase”.

work does take a lot of time from your life, more so when work never seems to end. having meetings most nights, responding to email while driving or while still in bed, being always on call, these are elements of our jobs which we accept. this is a part of our lives.

on the home side, things are not so clear. work is already taking our time, where do home activities fit into this? i remember half listening while my daughter told me a story from her day. i was consumed with work of one form or another, and thought i was giving her the attention she needed. i look back on this and realize i was not even close. work life balance means taking the time to focus on your family, without the back ground noise of work constantly intruding.

you need to focus on the person you are with, not the project you left in the office. you need to listen to them whithout checking your email while they are talking. you need to take the time to eat a meal, clean up together and at the end of the day tell a story about a princess who never thought she fit in, but realized everyone can feel the same way.

these are the moments that family members remember or crave from you. these are the moments you must give them.

this leaves all those activities that you would like to do just for yourself. obviously if we are already committed to having a demanding job, and emotionally supporting our family we are now short on time for other things. there are things i have thought of doing, have tried to add to my life, but have not been able to fit them in. i had a book of yoga vouchers; they were good for a month and were at a studio no more than 10 minutes from my house; i didn’t use a single one. i signed up for a salsa class, went to 4 classes, had to travel and never signed up again for the replacement classes. i called about a hopkido class that my son wants me to take, he is doing tae kwan do, and thinks it would be good if i found a way to be violently thrown to the floor two or three nights a week; i never went. i have lived in malaysia for over a year, and have barely seen anything outside of kl.

what would i do with purely private time if i had it? i have sat down and written a list. i know this is a type A personality approach to all problems, but hey it works. the following are the list of things i would do:

write -- for this blog and on other projects
email -- to friends and family who i don’t connect with enough
cook -- shop, prepare, eat, clean (much more time consuming than take away)
exercise -- 90 minutes a day to sweat and feel good
code -- i miss writing software
read -- too many books are stacked and waiting for me

the last item on the list was sleep, but i pragmatically realize that taking the time to do these things would mean having even less time for sleep. i have worked myself down from 9 hours a night a few years ago to a sustainable average of 6 hours a night. some nights more, some less, but 6 is a good average. think of it as 3 more hours to focus on the central demands of life. now if i could get down to 3 hours, yes then i would have time for private time.

private time for me is time to focus on myself. maybe i don’t feel the need for private time because i want my company and my family to be happy and healthy. i just accept that there is not enough time for everything, and those around me have to come first. i really would love to go for a run though.

maybe i should try to change the marketing phrase to, “balance work, life and you”.

Monday, April 02, 2007

complications

life is an interesting process. as you move from day to day you are given the choice of making your life simple, or making it … not so simple. you are given the chance to make decisions every minute, some are easy, and some are not. some of these decisions are obviously important; many take time to show which they are. in the end, the advice from albert einstein is the best one can follow, “keep it simple”.

the question is, why do so many people have such a hard time following the sage advice from one of the smartest men of the last century? as we make choices, most of us are smart enough to sense if something is going to be good for us, and yet we still make the decisions we know are doomed to cause issues. it is not a surprise when things blow up in our faces, so why do we make these choices in the first place.

the simple answer would be that we want the things we decide we want. we do the things that we decide to do. we live the lives that we decide we want to live. but, this is not always the life that we think we want; or the life that we planned to have. we life our lives, we make our decisions as they come, and our course takes twists and turns as we move along. the twists, when they are not all pleasant, are then called complications.

why is life so complicated? well, because we make it that way. we allow ourselves to act in ways that we are embarrassed about. we allow ourselves to do things we tell ourselves we should not want to do. we act in ways that we later wish we hadn’t.

as catholics we are taught the seven deadly sins. these are the major leagues of sins, the ones that REALLY get you in trouble. they are the mortal sins; they are the ones that guarantee you a place in hell. as a good catholic, one who went to catholic school, i have to admit that i had to go to wikipedia to make sure i had them all right:

lust (excessive sexual appetites)
gluttony (over-indulgence)
greed (avarice)
sloth (idleness)
wrath (anger)
envy (jealousy)
pride (vanity)


this list makes me think not only of my own behavior at times, but of animal house. dean wermer giving the wonderful advice “fat,drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.” it also makes me realize that many things fit into this group of behaviors. given my past year, i have to admit i have engaged more than one of these within recent memory.

if we look at the list we see that they are not focused on a simple action, but the excess of the action. eating or drinking is acceptable to the catholic, but over eating or over drinking is gluttony. we bring complication to our lives by over indulging in behaviors that we enjoy, and sometimes that we know is bad for us. we do this because we want to. we want to because…

well, if we admitted why we wanted to we would not be as complex as we think we are.

the great thing about the einstein quote above is that albert had a bit more to it. the full quote is, “keep it simple, as simple as possible. but no simpler.” this to me is much like cicero’s “everything in moderation”, with professor savage pointing out, “everything in moderation means moderation in moderation.” both of these points of advice have stayed with me for years. they both say that lack of moderation is part of the normal course of life.

do what you want, enjoy your choices, but don’t call them complications if there are impacts to you. life is both simple and complex, but how you act and react is what will set you apart from those around you. life is only as complicated as you make it. whatever you do, enjoy it.