Monday, November 27, 2006

dating as a mirror

i was asked by someone, “why do you want to date, what do you want?”, this really got me thinking about relationships and motivation. there are so many different people out there, you somehow meet someone and think, hey i could spend some time with them and maybe it would work between us. what it means to spend time, have fun, or work, that’s for later, but for now its why do we decide to invest any time or effort into getting to know someone.

i have a really close friend who has the greatest laugh in the world. it’s distinctive and forceful, but it makes me smile just thinking about it. i have called across many time zones and said, hey, can you laugh for me? no need to tell a joke or a funny story, just ask for a laugh and you get one.

my friend and i never dated. we got to know each other through work, during business trips. we were both on the road, there were long work days followed immediately by nights in pubs. the pub nights were filled with stories, laughs, drinks, more laughs. we got to know each other as colleagues, and started doing each other work-favors. we are now close friends because we learned about each other when there was no intent to “date”. gender didn’t matter in the relationship, we were co-workers, she didn’t know i was getting divorced, i just assumed she was in a relationship.

now, contrast this with the last “date” you went on. two people, most likely freshly bathed and dressed well, sharing stale questions and rote answers, guarded, probing, observing. okay, to be fair, i am making this sound worse than it is. but i think you know what i mean. it’s not a comfortable, no pressure environment with nothing on the line, where people are sharing stories that make themselves look bad. when you are out with your friends, you are just having a good time. when you are dating, you are hoping to have a good time in the future.

i called a friend for dinner last night on a whim. we had gone on a few dates, but have settled into a friendship. we were eating last night and i was thinking about how much more comfortable we are now. she was really relaxed, i was relaxed, there was no expectation beyond dinner and the conversation. i asked her why people date, and she said, “to have someone look at you and smile, it makes you feel good”. we both looked at each other and smiled.

dating is a mirror. you do get dressed up, you go somewhere nice, you use your best manners, you are generous and thoughtful, you listen to the other person, hopefully you have turned your handphone ringer off and are not looking at your sms every 10 minutes. if both people were like this beyond the first few dates, imagine how happy people would be.

which brings me to another thought, why do people cheat? what would motivates someone to put their relationship at risk by spending time with (dating) and getting close to someone else. so here’s the thing, if the above is true, they must miss having someone smile at them. they must miss having the other person take the time to focus on them. they want to hear new stories, to tell the old story that always got a laugh to a new person, because the old person knows the story and can finish the punch lines by this point.

everyone says they want to be friends first, they become friends, get close, tell everything about themselves, find out there is nothing interesting left, stop taking the time to build interesting times together, get bored, say their mate doesn’t understand them anymore. the issue isn’t that the mate doesn’t understand them, its that they do understand them, maybe a bit too well, but they find someone else and repeat the cycle.

we can break the cycle in two ways, lead more independent lives. this would mean people have a harder time getting bored with you because they see you less. or, work harder to be interesting. keep bathing and getting dressed up to take the person out and focus some attention on them. either way, come up with a interesting new story, they want to smile at you and it will make you happy too.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

structured lying

living in a new country involves meeting a lot of new people. not having anyone you know you seem to be getting to know a lot of people all at the same time. as you get to know more and more people you notice that meetings become interviews of a sort and later meetings bring details that were hidden, downplayed or simply lied about. people when they are meeting someone new have the image of themselves they want to project to the other person.

i have come to see this as structured lying. “i like to cook, i read constantly and i love to travel. i enjoy sports and friends say i am jovial.” you later find out they eat take away every night, they only read the menu of new restaurants they are going to for take away and they hate to travel, especially if the trip has anything to do with sports.

the question i have is, who are the lies for?

are they telling you what they want you to believe but know is just plain false? this can not be it. if it is, how long do they think they can keep up the mirage? over time things come out. you talk with them, they tell stories, they share feelings, things are bound to come out. they do come out and then what, how do you explain the lies?

the alternative is that they don’t know the things they are saying are false. i actually find this a bit more upsetting and sad. they tell you things you find to be completely false, and they don’t know it about themselves. let me give you an example, i met someone who told me she spends time with her kids by taking them to brunch “every” sunday at a certain restaurant. i knew her for a few months and not one weekend did she seem to be with the kids. i have gone to that restaurant for brunch many, many weekends and have never seen them. was it a story? why would you say something like that if its not true? why would you give such detail, its too easy uncover.

getting to know someone is like pealing the onion. you need to get from one layer to the next. there are people who are very closed and others who are very open, making it more or less difficult to get to the next layer. some people almost refuse to talk, they are skilled at asking you questions so they never need to discuss themselves. i have started to believe they cant come up with a story that sounds good, so they just refuse to try. other people you cant stop from talking, but you wonder if they are interested in getting to know you, or just want someone to hear their life story and opinions and could care less who it is.

i am starting to think people don’t really know themselves. if they do, they are hoping to change and why not start with telling you something about themselves that they want to be true. fover time, that crumbles, because those things are still not true after saying them. they need to spend the time to make it true first, then they can say them and have some proof.

moving to a new country is a great way to start over and gives you the chance reinvent yourself. it’s like moving to a new school system when you are kid, all that baggage you had with the old school is gone and you can start over, just on a larger scale. dating is kind of the same thing, but on a smaller scale most of your life is the same, only one person in it is different. but in all these cases, in the end you are the same person who will make the same kind of moves and mistakes if you are not careful. history does have a way of repeating itself.

what if we just told the truth???? hmm lets see,

“i am 41, i live away from everyone i know because i lost my wife to a loser with a drinking problem. i spent too much of my time focused on work and not focusing on my family, now just about all i do is work. i love to cook, but i never do it because i am too lazy to do it for just me. i like people, but most of them bore the hell out of me and i spend most of my free time alone. its one am and i am writing an entry for a blog that no one reads, about a subject that most people don’t seem to understand if i try to explain it”

hmmmmmmmm…. maybe is should just say: i want to find friends and would be willing to share yoga or dance class with someone.