i had a football coach that used to say, “if you can’t take the heat get out of the kitchen”. that is a bit of odd direction for someone whose job was to motivate young athletes to do the best they could, to dig down and perform at levels which they didn’t know they could reach. this coach was actually someone i loved, not because he was nice to me, or that he paid any special attention to me, but because i knew if i did not work hard he would find someone who would and i would be on the bench.
there was a game my senior year, the team we were playing was very good. we were on our home field, everyone in the school was watching, my parents were in the stands, and the team we were competing against was beating us. worse than that, the player(s) across from me were fast and strong. they were beating me, i was tired and was starting to think it was time to give up, maybe "get injured", pull a muscle and stop before i made a mistake that gave the other team an advantage.
this was directly against anything i had felt on the field before and it scared me. a year before this i had my hand stepped on and broke a finger during a game. at that moment i was afraid coach would realize I was injured and take me out. i set and taped my own finger and kept playing the game. there was nothing worse than being taken out of the game when you wanted to keep playing.
but here i was, thinking about quitting, just because i was tired and afraid. at that moment, i looked up and saw coach gibbons looking onto the field. he was not just looking, he was staring at me, he was looking directly at me and i could see he was considering taking me off the field. i knew, he knew I was unsure of myself and was not playing full pace. he wanted to pull me out, i was sure of it. the fear of that was worse than anything i could experience on the field. the thought of being asked to sit down, to have everyone i knew know that i wasn’t strong enough to finish the game was worse than losing, and worse than the pain i was feeling or could feel if i kept going.
at that moment, i decided there was no way i was going to give up. i was not going to let myself be taken off the field by anyone. i had worked hard to get here, i had been given the position that i loved and was not going to let anyone take it away from me. i took a deep breath, let it out slowly, stared at coach and knew i could finish the game. as I made this decision, i saw him smile and nod his head. he knew what i had just gone through, and he agreed i could do it.
as life passes, i have more chances to go through the same kind of experience. there are moments in life when i am tired, when i want to give up, when i just want to stop and walk off the field. i can take myself out of the game at any time. i can do it without many realizing or having any opinion about it. but i don’t, i keep plugging along. i make my blocks and hit the other guy as hard as i can. maybe the only ones that know this are me and the person on the other side of the line, but i don’t want either of us to know that i gave up.
we are shaped by our experiences, this is why its so important to have as many as you can. without these experiences we would never know what we are capable of doing. without this experience i could not know that even when I am in pain and afraid of more pain and defeat, that i can reach down and find it inside myself to keep going. who would I be without this?
there is a downside, as i get older and refuse to give up, i can no longer look up and see the clock, its too hard to tell how much time is left in the game. without this, it’s hard to know if i should go all out and try to force the win, or to save something for the end. i also can not look up and see gibbons staring at me from the side lines. there are times it would be very nice to have someone smile and nod their head to let me know they know i am still playing and agree i can make it.
i know there are times when giving up is the right thing to do. its when there is no chance to win, or when you realize the game is unfair and you never could have won no matter what you did. but today is not the day. i am going to keep playing, because being taken out of the game is still worse than losing; even if I break something, I know how to tape it up and keep going.
if you’re wondering, we did win that game that day, i made a block that directly helped us win. coach never mentioned that he knew i almost quit, that is one of the reasons i loved him.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
not sure
one thing about traveling is that you get to experience new cultures, and at times it challenges some of your cultural norms. this is the situation i have found myself in. it’s a strange situation for me. i feel as though i am being objectified, and i am not sure how to handle it. i also don’t have anyone to ask if this is normal, so i am not sure if what i am feeling is even valid.
when i checked into the hotel yesterday, one of the guys who works at the front desk was walking by me and patted my stomach. it was a gentle touch which i felt was meant to reassure me that they would find me a room and i should not worry. it was also a touch that sent a tingle down my spine and made me very uncomfortable in the, “did that guy just touch me like that?” way.
as i was shopping today, there was a sales guy who was trying to make a sale, and to project the friendly nature of our relationship reached out and squeezed my shoulder. he smiled at me and appeared to be saying its okay we are friends. i again was struck by the desire to gain some physical space and possibly do him some bodily harm. i surpressed these urges and just moved on in my day.
as i am sitting in a café, watching england beat on estonia, one of the waiters came over introduced himself and asked me a few questions. i am used to this, people want to practice their english and they try to use as many of the phrases they learned in class as possible. next he reached out a squeezed my shoulder in the same way the sales guy did, then he let his hand linger and rubbed my back. i am starting to think i am doing something to bring this on. i am not, i am just sitting and minding my own business.
but, i am starting to question myself. each of these guys has a slight build, high voices and no issues with invading close personal space. they also have personalities which set off my “gaydar” and have me thinking they are “just jack”. the issue is, i have no idea if this is normal within the local community and if i am just being sensitive. i have little or no issue with alternative lifestyles, and homophobia isn’t normally an issue for me, but why are they touching me?
even if it is that i am being hit on, what am I going to do? would it really be a good idea for me to rough up a local in a communist country? i doubt we have an embassy here, and after seeing “the deer hunter” I have no desire to expose myself to the vietnamese criminal justice system.
this does give me an idea of how women must feel if a man touches them without invitation. that shiver that when down my spine was not something i want o feel again; but at the pace this has been happening there is no way i think i will get out of the country without a repeat.
just because i am sexy does not mean i can be treated as a sex object.
when i checked into the hotel yesterday, one of the guys who works at the front desk was walking by me and patted my stomach. it was a gentle touch which i felt was meant to reassure me that they would find me a room and i should not worry. it was also a touch that sent a tingle down my spine and made me very uncomfortable in the, “did that guy just touch me like that?” way.
as i was shopping today, there was a sales guy who was trying to make a sale, and to project the friendly nature of our relationship reached out and squeezed my shoulder. he smiled at me and appeared to be saying its okay we are friends. i again was struck by the desire to gain some physical space and possibly do him some bodily harm. i surpressed these urges and just moved on in my day.
as i am sitting in a café, watching england beat on estonia, one of the waiters came over introduced himself and asked me a few questions. i am used to this, people want to practice their english and they try to use as many of the phrases they learned in class as possible. next he reached out a squeezed my shoulder in the same way the sales guy did, then he let his hand linger and rubbed my back. i am starting to think i am doing something to bring this on. i am not, i am just sitting and minding my own business.
but, i am starting to question myself. each of these guys has a slight build, high voices and no issues with invading close personal space. they also have personalities which set off my “gaydar” and have me thinking they are “just jack”. the issue is, i have no idea if this is normal within the local community and if i am just being sensitive. i have little or no issue with alternative lifestyles, and homophobia isn’t normally an issue for me, but why are they touching me?
even if it is that i am being hit on, what am I going to do? would it really be a good idea for me to rough up a local in a communist country? i doubt we have an embassy here, and after seeing “the deer hunter” I have no desire to expose myself to the vietnamese criminal justice system.
this does give me an idea of how women must feel if a man touches them without invitation. that shiver that when down my spine was not something i want o feel again; but at the pace this has been happening there is no way i think i will get out of the country without a repeat.
just because i am sexy does not mean i can be treated as a sex object.
keeping the faith
i recently described myself as a free thinking catholic agnostic. this is a clear description of my lack of faith, but my inability to let go of the religious background which i was indoctrinated as a child. the religion that gave my grandmother comfort to the last moments of her death, the same religion which as driven me away by learning the sordid history of the church and the disgusting things which have been done in the name of christianity; many at the direction of the papacy.
one of the reasons i can not declare myself an atheist, as my teenage daughter does, is that it would make me feel like i am being dismissive to the beliefs of others. i have been accused of being unwilling to take a stand. i have been told that if i believe the things i believe, i have turned my back on god and i should just say so.
but i am not ready to do that. it would make me feel as though i was disapproving of the relationship other people of faith have with their religions. just because i do not have faith, does not mean i think others who do are wrong.
in the past few years i have met people with extraordinary levels of faith. i have friends who are christian, muslim or hindu who show their commitment to their faith every day. they lead lives which are amazing to me. where do they get the strength to believe as deeply as they do? where do they get the commitment to disregard the rest of their life and put elements of it on hold until tomorrow?
many years ago i was watching a movie about the priesthood. a young priest was being counseled by an older, jaded, priest. there was a line that stood out for me, “once they have seen paris, you can not keep them down on the farm”. this line jumped out at me then, and still rattles around in my head. the basic meaning is that it’s easy to accept a life, as long as you don’t know there is another life that you are capable of having.
is this why faithful people seldom seem to stray from their faith? straying allows one to see the other options; it gives them a glimpse of the other world. these glimpses normally cause one of two reactions, it drives them to retreat deeper into their faith or it places a wedge between them and their previous unshakable belief. seeing how others live, finding out there are valid lives which do not follow all the rules of someone’s own sect, and finding that elements of the alternative life are comfortable and enjoyable to the person can be very dangerous.
the social pressure of not straying is also kept up. what would people think? what would happen to those around me if they knew i did this? somehow faith was always a personal thing for me. it could be my society, or it could be my immediate family, but all choices were always personal choices, and those around me were seldom offended. this freedom has let me try new and different things, i have definitely seen paris and I love the lights.
my ex-wife and i were talking the other day. we were discussing our son and whether or not he still had faith. you see there is a faith that most christian kids share, but that we accept they lose as they age. we try to protect them from this loss. we hide the truth from them. adults lie or tell creative stories as to why children should still believe.
once we find that the child has lost the faith, we immediately teach them to not offend others by telling them the truth. we teach them that having the faith is important to “younger” kids and they should not do anything to jeopardize that for their friends. we add our children to the vast conspiracy, inviting them into a lie they will tell for the rest of their lives. many adults later realize that the faith was worth having and that it helped them to enjoy life before the lost it. in response to this, they create a new way of looking at it and reclaim a bit of the lost faith (in complete honesty, i am one of these people).
the faith we are talking about is one of pure goodness. its one that tells us to be good, to treat others well and that if we are bad it will be known and we will not get the things we want. i am sure you know of this faith, it’s the belief in santa claus. my son’s mother believes that he still has the faith; given things he said to me over the summer, i am not so sure. but honestly we both want to believe that he still has this faith, and he is smart enough to hide the fact that he has lost it for our benefit. the last thing i am going to do is ask, I don’t want to know and i don’t want him to tell me.
don’t flame me about using this story, i am not trying to point out that your faith is anything less than true. honestly, to me it’s just like santa, as long as you believe it’s true for you. who cares what others around you believe. your faith is valid if it helps you. i can’t prove that it’s not all true, so who am i to be judgmental? i hope you can do the same for me with my beliefs.
the thing about being a free thinking catholic agnostic is that i think everyone should have the chance to come down off the farm and enjoy the life in paris. paris is a happening town, there is art, culture, learning and fun diversions. i know you love the farm, you are comfortable and know this is where you were brought up, but there is more to the world. the farm is quiet, but it’s not the city of lights.
once you have come into town, give me a call, i love the company. if you let me know you’re coming i will meet you at the airport, i don’t mind the drive.
one of the reasons i can not declare myself an atheist, as my teenage daughter does, is that it would make me feel like i am being dismissive to the beliefs of others. i have been accused of being unwilling to take a stand. i have been told that if i believe the things i believe, i have turned my back on god and i should just say so.
but i am not ready to do that. it would make me feel as though i was disapproving of the relationship other people of faith have with their religions. just because i do not have faith, does not mean i think others who do are wrong.
in the past few years i have met people with extraordinary levels of faith. i have friends who are christian, muslim or hindu who show their commitment to their faith every day. they lead lives which are amazing to me. where do they get the strength to believe as deeply as they do? where do they get the commitment to disregard the rest of their life and put elements of it on hold until tomorrow?
many years ago i was watching a movie about the priesthood. a young priest was being counseled by an older, jaded, priest. there was a line that stood out for me, “once they have seen paris, you can not keep them down on the farm”. this line jumped out at me then, and still rattles around in my head. the basic meaning is that it’s easy to accept a life, as long as you don’t know there is another life that you are capable of having.
is this why faithful people seldom seem to stray from their faith? straying allows one to see the other options; it gives them a glimpse of the other world. these glimpses normally cause one of two reactions, it drives them to retreat deeper into their faith or it places a wedge between them and their previous unshakable belief. seeing how others live, finding out there are valid lives which do not follow all the rules of someone’s own sect, and finding that elements of the alternative life are comfortable and enjoyable to the person can be very dangerous.
the social pressure of not straying is also kept up. what would people think? what would happen to those around me if they knew i did this? somehow faith was always a personal thing for me. it could be my society, or it could be my immediate family, but all choices were always personal choices, and those around me were seldom offended. this freedom has let me try new and different things, i have definitely seen paris and I love the lights.
my ex-wife and i were talking the other day. we were discussing our son and whether or not he still had faith. you see there is a faith that most christian kids share, but that we accept they lose as they age. we try to protect them from this loss. we hide the truth from them. adults lie or tell creative stories as to why children should still believe.
once we find that the child has lost the faith, we immediately teach them to not offend others by telling them the truth. we teach them that having the faith is important to “younger” kids and they should not do anything to jeopardize that for their friends. we add our children to the vast conspiracy, inviting them into a lie they will tell for the rest of their lives. many adults later realize that the faith was worth having and that it helped them to enjoy life before the lost it. in response to this, they create a new way of looking at it and reclaim a bit of the lost faith (in complete honesty, i am one of these people).
the faith we are talking about is one of pure goodness. its one that tells us to be good, to treat others well and that if we are bad it will be known and we will not get the things we want. i am sure you know of this faith, it’s the belief in santa claus. my son’s mother believes that he still has the faith; given things he said to me over the summer, i am not so sure. but honestly we both want to believe that he still has this faith, and he is smart enough to hide the fact that he has lost it for our benefit. the last thing i am going to do is ask, I don’t want to know and i don’t want him to tell me.
don’t flame me about using this story, i am not trying to point out that your faith is anything less than true. honestly, to me it’s just like santa, as long as you believe it’s true for you. who cares what others around you believe. your faith is valid if it helps you. i can’t prove that it’s not all true, so who am i to be judgmental? i hope you can do the same for me with my beliefs.
the thing about being a free thinking catholic agnostic is that i think everyone should have the chance to come down off the farm and enjoy the life in paris. paris is a happening town, there is art, culture, learning and fun diversions. i know you love the farm, you are comfortable and know this is where you were brought up, but there is more to the world. the farm is quiet, but it’s not the city of lights.
once you have come into town, give me a call, i love the company. if you let me know you’re coming i will meet you at the airport, i don’t mind the drive.
asian bohemia
i woke up this morning to the voice of a lovely vietnamese woman. although my vietnamese is restricted to a few key phrases, all in some way related to either politely moving in a crowd or ordering a drink, i was sure i was listening to something i had never heard before.
the fact that i am vacationing in a communist country is strangely reinforced by what i am sure is propaganda messaged over the light pole mounted loud speakers found all over the city. the situation is not muted by the fact that i am enjoying the dual pleasure of holding american dollars and purchasing in the loose commerce of a fast growing asian country. but the sounds were mesmerizing, and the similarity of the smooth melody to the morning call to prays which have been waking me during ramadan was not missed. the tones of the woman’s voice are both soft and motivating. the message to someone who does not speak the language appears to be one of get up, start your day and work. help us grow our nation; prepare yourself for the coming day and the job that is in front of us.
If this is the message, it is strange that it is broadcast to a nation that appears anything but communist. during my first visit to a “former” communist nation, the czech republic, i was deeply surprised at the level of commerce on the streets. the people who had grown up under russian communist rule appeared to have made the transition quickly. this may have been shocking at the time, and the world is quickly changing, even china is making moves in the direction of open economic systems, but this small hamlet of communist rule is far beyond anything i would have expected.
i was just walking and randomly shopping, really doing nothing at all and mostly looking for opportunities to take photographs of life on the street. as i shopped i found a lacquer and granite chess board, with hand carved pieces for US$ 20, i am thinking of buying two. i also found an amazing CD and DVD shop that has CDs for 10,000 dong, but if i buy in bulk i was promised to have the price come down to 7,000 dong (US$ 0.44).
i am sitting in a micro brew pub with brick walls covered in football posters, brass and stainless steel holding tanks clearly visible, and a menu full of pub grub from all over the world. there is even "com rang malaixia (fried rice malaysia style) on the menu.
i am paying 30,000 dong (US$ 1.87) for a wonderful belguim red beer on draft, a price that would have seemed cheap even before i moved to KL and got used to paying US$ 10.00 for a decent, but bottled beer. Even at this price it does seem a bit steep, given last night I was drinking in a bai hao place, sitting on plastic chairs with cars and motorcycles going by, but only paying 4,000 dong (US$ 0.11) per beer.
the main wall of the pub has 10 foot wide reproduction of a political poster that reminds the workers that by working together they are making the country stronger. as i write this there are westerners from europe, US and australia simply enjoying the beer, having conversation and most likely ignoring the fact that the country is officially communist.
i sat next to a group of aussie kids on a school trip this morning. they told me their school brought them here to teach them about the history of australian involvement in the US/vietnam war. i was not sure how coming to vietnam, eating pizza and buying sex in the city on pirated DVD could teach them about that, but why fight it. i wish my school had taken trips like this. besides, clearly this is why i am not an educator.
hanoi does appear to attract a certain type of traveler, not a surprise, hong kong and singapore attract the shoppers, bangkok attracts pedophiles, and hanoi attracts bohemians. the people who travel here are laid back, relaxed, in search of a cheap and easy place to hang out. many have travelled around asia and have come to a point where they need a refuge. they are looking for somewhere to recharge, to take in a comfortable environment and simply enjoy the easy life.
the fact that it’s cheap, the people are easy to get along with and no one seems to get upset about very much is just the bonus that makes this city great.
vietnam was able to expel the french and defeat the americans; they were also able to bring the best of both of those cultures into their own. there is a wonderful sweetness about the people, they smile and help you relax. it seems the people here are much more relaxed about themselves and those around them than the people i have met elsewhere in asia. they seem to just want to do their jobs and not worry about bigger issues like politics, religion and economic policy.
this is asian bohemia; there are art galleries, cafes and cool food establishments all over this city. people, locals and foreigners, are simply relaxed and enjoying life. there is a comfort that shows itself as you look at and smile at people. i wonder why more of asia does not want to come here, experience this way of life and then bring it back into its own culture. i can think of one city that despretely needs to have its people come here and find the meaning of really taking it easy.
this is the closest i have come to seeing “la dolce vita” in asia. the fact that its here in a communist country, and is kept motivated by early morning announcements and strange communist music played at day break really does have me reconsidering some of my earlier opinions about communism. some would say it’s the march of history that has brought the country here, i have to think it’s the artsy people who smile and make it a perfect retreat for burnt out westerners.
the fact that i am vacationing in a communist country is strangely reinforced by what i am sure is propaganda messaged over the light pole mounted loud speakers found all over the city. the situation is not muted by the fact that i am enjoying the dual pleasure of holding american dollars and purchasing in the loose commerce of a fast growing asian country. but the sounds were mesmerizing, and the similarity of the smooth melody to the morning call to prays which have been waking me during ramadan was not missed. the tones of the woman’s voice are both soft and motivating. the message to someone who does not speak the language appears to be one of get up, start your day and work. help us grow our nation; prepare yourself for the coming day and the job that is in front of us.
If this is the message, it is strange that it is broadcast to a nation that appears anything but communist. during my first visit to a “former” communist nation, the czech republic, i was deeply surprised at the level of commerce on the streets. the people who had grown up under russian communist rule appeared to have made the transition quickly. this may have been shocking at the time, and the world is quickly changing, even china is making moves in the direction of open economic systems, but this small hamlet of communist rule is far beyond anything i would have expected.
i was just walking and randomly shopping, really doing nothing at all and mostly looking for opportunities to take photographs of life on the street. as i shopped i found a lacquer and granite chess board, with hand carved pieces for US$ 20, i am thinking of buying two. i also found an amazing CD and DVD shop that has CDs for 10,000 dong, but if i buy in bulk i was promised to have the price come down to 7,000 dong (US$ 0.44).
i am sitting in a micro brew pub with brick walls covered in football posters, brass and stainless steel holding tanks clearly visible, and a menu full of pub grub from all over the world. there is even "com rang malaixia (fried rice malaysia style) on the menu.
i am paying 30,000 dong (US$ 1.87) for a wonderful belguim red beer on draft, a price that would have seemed cheap even before i moved to KL and got used to paying US$ 10.00 for a decent, but bottled beer. Even at this price it does seem a bit steep, given last night I was drinking in a bai hao place, sitting on plastic chairs with cars and motorcycles going by, but only paying 4,000 dong (US$ 0.11) per beer.
the main wall of the pub has 10 foot wide reproduction of a political poster that reminds the workers that by working together they are making the country stronger. as i write this there are westerners from europe, US and australia simply enjoying the beer, having conversation and most likely ignoring the fact that the country is officially communist.
i sat next to a group of aussie kids on a school trip this morning. they told me their school brought them here to teach them about the history of australian involvement in the US/vietnam war. i was not sure how coming to vietnam, eating pizza and buying sex in the city on pirated DVD could teach them about that, but why fight it. i wish my school had taken trips like this. besides, clearly this is why i am not an educator.
hanoi does appear to attract a certain type of traveler, not a surprise, hong kong and singapore attract the shoppers, bangkok attracts pedophiles, and hanoi attracts bohemians. the people who travel here are laid back, relaxed, in search of a cheap and easy place to hang out. many have travelled around asia and have come to a point where they need a refuge. they are looking for somewhere to recharge, to take in a comfortable environment and simply enjoy the easy life.
the fact that it’s cheap, the people are easy to get along with and no one seems to get upset about very much is just the bonus that makes this city great.
vietnam was able to expel the french and defeat the americans; they were also able to bring the best of both of those cultures into their own. there is a wonderful sweetness about the people, they smile and help you relax. it seems the people here are much more relaxed about themselves and those around them than the people i have met elsewhere in asia. they seem to just want to do their jobs and not worry about bigger issues like politics, religion and economic policy.
this is asian bohemia; there are art galleries, cafes and cool food establishments all over this city. people, locals and foreigners, are simply relaxed and enjoying life. there is a comfort that shows itself as you look at and smile at people. i wonder why more of asia does not want to come here, experience this way of life and then bring it back into its own culture. i can think of one city that despretely needs to have its people come here and find the meaning of really taking it easy.
this is the closest i have come to seeing “la dolce vita” in asia. the fact that its here in a communist country, and is kept motivated by early morning announcements and strange communist music played at day break really does have me reconsidering some of my earlier opinions about communism. some would say it’s the march of history that has brought the country here, i have to think it’s the artsy people who smile and make it a perfect retreat for burnt out westerners.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
before i die
a few years ago i saw life starting to change, i felt i needed to come up with a plan, a road map, a list of things i wanted to do before it was too late. the following is the list i came up with. the list has changed over time, i have done some, i have let life push and pull me, but i have a plan.
(these are in no particular order)
1. pub crawl in dublin
2. mass at saint peters
3. fly a helicopter
4. sail across an ocean
5. be published
6. ride the orient express
7. run a marathon
8. drive across the silk road
9. swim newport to jamestown
10. give ashley away at her wedding
11. hold my first grandchild
12. own my/our house outright
13. kiss passionately on our 30th anniversary
14. cycle across the usa
15. go to mardi gras
16. jam with a band, in front of people
17. lay on a greek beach naked
18. climb the pyramids at gisa
19. order dinner in french (in france) -- done
20. run with the bulls in pampolna
21. climb kilimanjaro
22. walk on the great wall
23. write an app people know and love
24. get lifeguard certification renewed
25. surf a wave larger than 5 feet again
26. see the aurora borealis
27. scuba on the great barrier reef
28. teach
29. work everyday for the love of it
30. hold each other as one of us dies
maybe the issue i have is that roadmaps are like recipes for me. they are more of a guide to use at the start of a journey than the path to the destination. now that i have these on the list, i feel like i can do other things, because i know i won’t forget them as life moves down the road with me.
why would i be upset that i have not done these things, look at the things not on the list that i have accomplished since writing it:
(also in no particular order)
1. lead a core development team of a major .com
2. move to asia and experience a new culture; or three
3. learn just enough language skills to survive on any continent in the world
4. stand on the eiffel tower with my kids
5. see a sunrise over prague
6. see a sunset over south china sea
7. drink US$ 0.12 beers with backpackers in a former communist country
8. buy “coffee” from a café in amsterdam
9. teach E to surf
10. make sure the kids know i love them every day
11. sing flemish folk songs in a turkish/moroccan bar in belguim
12. photograph street culture in india
13. see paris blink at night; twice in 7 months
14. relax and have fun after losing $2,000 worth of train tickets
15. find a flamingo at home
16. bring a loved one back from the dead
17. swimming in halong bay during a rain storm
18. take off on a domestic flight and land in the planned location, but as an international flight
19. photograph smiles on three continents, 7 countries, in 10 days
20. build something that wouldn’t have happened without me
21. play with a little man who speaks no english but knows what i am saying
22. swim in the moonlight, after a music festival in the rainforest
23. chase my son in a triathlon, winning a friendship
24. be in my son's classroom 4 times in one year, while living 12,000 miles away
25. opening a bottle of champaign with a saber
26. leaving a bbq at 2 AM and driving until sunrise to make a flight with my best friend
27. carpe diem
who says you need to follow a roadmap to be happy. life happens one day at a time, the past years are teaching me that loving life means taking things as they come and being able to take a risk to enjoy life.
(these are in no particular order)
1. pub crawl in dublin
2. mass at saint peters
3. fly a helicopter
4. sail across an ocean
5. be published
6. ride the orient express
7. run a marathon
8. drive across the silk road
9. swim newport to jamestown
10. give ashley away at her wedding
11. hold my first grandchild
12. own my/our house outright
13. kiss passionately on our 30th anniversary
14. cycle across the usa
15. go to mardi gras
16. jam with a band, in front of people
17. lay on a greek beach naked
18. climb the pyramids at gisa
19. order dinner in french (in france) -- done
20. run with the bulls in pampolna
21. climb kilimanjaro
22. walk on the great wall
23. write an app people know and love
24. get lifeguard certification renewed
25. surf a wave larger than 5 feet again
26. see the aurora borealis
27. scuba on the great barrier reef
28. teach
29. work everyday for the love of it
30. hold each other as one of us dies
maybe the issue i have is that roadmaps are like recipes for me. they are more of a guide to use at the start of a journey than the path to the destination. now that i have these on the list, i feel like i can do other things, because i know i won’t forget them as life moves down the road with me.
why would i be upset that i have not done these things, look at the things not on the list that i have accomplished since writing it:
(also in no particular order)
1. lead a core development team of a major .com
2. move to asia and experience a new culture; or three
3. learn just enough language skills to survive on any continent in the world
4. stand on the eiffel tower with my kids
5. see a sunrise over prague
6. see a sunset over south china sea
7. drink US$ 0.12 beers with backpackers in a former communist country
8. buy “coffee” from a café in amsterdam
9. teach E to surf
10. make sure the kids know i love them every day
11. sing flemish folk songs in a turkish/moroccan bar in belguim
12. photograph street culture in india
13. see paris blink at night; twice in 7 months
14. relax and have fun after losing $2,000 worth of train tickets
15. find a flamingo at home
16. bring a loved one back from the dead
17. swimming in halong bay during a rain storm
18. take off on a domestic flight and land in the planned location, but as an international flight
19. photograph smiles on three continents, 7 countries, in 10 days
20. build something that wouldn’t have happened without me
21. play with a little man who speaks no english but knows what i am saying
22. swim in the moonlight, after a music festival in the rainforest
23. chase my son in a triathlon, winning a friendship
24. be in my son's classroom 4 times in one year, while living 12,000 miles away
25. opening a bottle of champaign with a saber
26. leaving a bbq at 2 AM and driving until sunrise to make a flight with my best friend
27. carpe diem
who says you need to follow a roadmap to be happy. life happens one day at a time, the past years are teaching me that loving life means taking things as they come and being able to take a risk to enjoy life.
Sunday, October 07, 2007
sweet tooth
my last post was about fasting, while i was thinking about that post i had a realization. the realization was not a shock, its something i understand about myself, but have come to a new appreciation of it. i have a sweet tooth. when given the chance to indulge the sweet tooth, i almost always say yes. for someone who is fasting, allowing the indulgence is not an option. and yet, the sweet tooth does not go away.
as the fasting time approached i had found that i was over the limit on some of my snacking. i was planning my days around the next fix of my sweet tooth. i would consider the next meal, how to ensure there was time to relax and enjoy the dessert, how to not fill up on the things that were “good for me” to allow the enjoyment of the things that were not.
this is the thing with a sweet tooth, it is the taste of sweetness in the mouth, the buzz that comes from enjoying the sugar high, the relaxed feeling that comes from the post indulgence crash that drives one to keep doing it. the alternative is to “be good”, to consider your meals based on what they will do for you in the long term. adding time horizons to decisions do help you make choices, but ignoring them does allow you to simply enjoy.
i have a friend who is a devote vegetarian, she has a level of self control which i find amazing. one of my favorite treats are pop-tarts, i find them to be the perfect mix of easy to hold, sweet to taste and ready to share because they come two to a package. i offered one to her the other day and we ended up reading the back of the box, going ingredient by ingredient to ensure this breakfast treat cum sweet tooth indulgence did not have lingering animal products. after the search we shared the pop tarts with a clear conscience, if not a strong feeling of trepidation.
a few days later, she mentioned to me that she had done more research and found that one of the very minor ingredients could be an animal product. the information came with a sense of regret, her for trying something she did not want to try and me for convincing someone to enjoy something that they did not want to enjoy. i was simply enjoying a sweet treat which is normal and acceptable for me to enjoy, she was going against her core values. i was enjoying an indulgence which i know is strictly not good for me though. i wonder what the karma implications of all this is. i offered out of a sense of sharing, hoping i could give someone something they would enjoy as much as i did. did either of us do anything wrong?
as i sit in my sunday brunch location i have sweets all around me. i can decide to have one or not, every day comes with many choices. i have never thought the decisions of today have to have lasting impacts on our entire lives. if i do over indulge today, can i simply improve tomorrow, fast, go for a run, act in some way to make up for or counter the previous indulgence? does tasting this chocolate sweet today really have to be something i carry regret, bad karma, for more than the time to digest it?
being an adult is about realizing your choices come with the need to burn those calories away later. if you over indulge, at some point you need to either live with the extra weight you are carrying around, or you need to change your behavior, diet, burn those pounds off so that they are gone. the calories can be eliminated, but only by stopping to indulge and changing your patterns so the zero sum game of life beings to move in your direction again.
we all make these decisions every day. some of us very high metabolisms, meaning we can enjoy, or crave, more than others. some of us have high degrees of self control, or is it that we are more tolerant to the pain that imposing that control brings us. either way, we are all different. even those of us with a sweet tooth, those of us who find and enjoy sweets more than we possibly should, we all need to accept that indulgence does come with responsibility, responsibility for our own decisions.
as the fasting time approached i had found that i was over the limit on some of my snacking. i was planning my days around the next fix of my sweet tooth. i would consider the next meal, how to ensure there was time to relax and enjoy the dessert, how to not fill up on the things that were “good for me” to allow the enjoyment of the things that were not.
this is the thing with a sweet tooth, it is the taste of sweetness in the mouth, the buzz that comes from enjoying the sugar high, the relaxed feeling that comes from the post indulgence crash that drives one to keep doing it. the alternative is to “be good”, to consider your meals based on what they will do for you in the long term. adding time horizons to decisions do help you make choices, but ignoring them does allow you to simply enjoy.
i have a friend who is a devote vegetarian, she has a level of self control which i find amazing. one of my favorite treats are pop-tarts, i find them to be the perfect mix of easy to hold, sweet to taste and ready to share because they come two to a package. i offered one to her the other day and we ended up reading the back of the box, going ingredient by ingredient to ensure this breakfast treat cum sweet tooth indulgence did not have lingering animal products. after the search we shared the pop tarts with a clear conscience, if not a strong feeling of trepidation.
a few days later, she mentioned to me that she had done more research and found that one of the very minor ingredients could be an animal product. the information came with a sense of regret, her for trying something she did not want to try and me for convincing someone to enjoy something that they did not want to enjoy. i was simply enjoying a sweet treat which is normal and acceptable for me to enjoy, she was going against her core values. i was enjoying an indulgence which i know is strictly not good for me though. i wonder what the karma implications of all this is. i offered out of a sense of sharing, hoping i could give someone something they would enjoy as much as i did. did either of us do anything wrong?
as i sit in my sunday brunch location i have sweets all around me. i can decide to have one or not, every day comes with many choices. i have never thought the decisions of today have to have lasting impacts on our entire lives. if i do over indulge today, can i simply improve tomorrow, fast, go for a run, act in some way to make up for or counter the previous indulgence? does tasting this chocolate sweet today really have to be something i carry regret, bad karma, for more than the time to digest it?
being an adult is about realizing your choices come with the need to burn those calories away later. if you over indulge, at some point you need to either live with the extra weight you are carrying around, or you need to change your behavior, diet, burn those pounds off so that they are gone. the calories can be eliminated, but only by stopping to indulge and changing your patterns so the zero sum game of life beings to move in your direction again.
we all make these decisions every day. some of us very high metabolisms, meaning we can enjoy, or crave, more than others. some of us have high degrees of self control, or is it that we are more tolerant to the pain that imposing that control brings us. either way, we are all different. even those of us with a sweet tooth, those of us who find and enjoy sweets more than we possibly should, we all need to accept that indulgence does come with responsibility, responsibility for our own decisions.
feast or fasting
i have spent the last month trying something i have never done before. i have friends and staff who are fasting for ramadan, so i thought i would do it also. i thought of it as a sense of camaraderie, but also just trying something i have never done before. this was not a religious thing; god knows i don’t do many things for the religious reasons. if i had done if for religious reasons i was very bad at following the muslim rules on fasting. i took a modified approach to the task one built on the basics of christian fasting i learned as a child but never practiced. even so, i have been better at it than i expected myself to be.
the muslims are getting up at 5 AM or not eating before dinner time. neither of these are an option of me, waking up that early, when i go to bed between 1 and 2 AM is just not going to happen. i made sure i got up as early as i could, but still ate breakfast at my standard bakery stop.
the alteration i made was to try to eat half of what i wanted to for breakfast. at first i also dropped the coffee intake, but stress and less than enough sleep stepped on that plan pretty early into ramadan. from there it was just no food or drink for the day, not until sundown or about 7:15 at night. here is where i also separated, the muslims tied this to the time prays began at night, which is a bit earlier every night this time of year. i simply set it to 7:15 and left it there. to compensate for my breakfast time, i thought about making it later but i went with the standard time.
not eating during most days was less difficult than i expected. the idea of not drinking all day was the most stressful for me before i started, but in the end that wasn’t too bad either. i had planned on drinking water, as we allowed to do in christian fasting, but found it was not needed. when i was thirsty, i just waited and the desire normally went away. this is counter to the normal approach where i feel the thirst and either get a drink or plan to get a drink, either way the commitment to the action is normally enough to make sure it happens.
i did break fast three days along the way, once for the lunch with a visiting colleague, and twice just because i was hungry and simply felt like breaking. again, its good to be doing this just for me, without god waiting in the wings to get pissed and to send a bolt of lightening down to punish me for my “teh-o ais lemau”. its also a lot easier that no one expects me to be puasar, no dirty looks when i eat or drink. mat salleh’s are not expected to follow the rules.
people had warned me about putting weight on during fasting; i honestly could not think of a more upsetting outcome. i countered this by controlling the meals, nearly eliminating sweets and eating as little carbs as possible during the night time meal. this has worked out. i have not lost a ton of weight, but i have lost. i did watch the people around me who were also fasting, i went to “buka puasar” meals and was shocked at the amount of food offered. no wonder people put weight on.
this is when i realized, this fasting month is really also a feasting month; it’s just a delayed feast. people deny themselves all day, to allow themselves to feast at night. this ends with the coming hari raya feast, which is the end of ramadan and the largest and final feasting event. every one else is building to this, i on the other hand are worried the fasting will stop for me. i am planning on going to vietnam for hari raya, this will mean i will not see the true feasting really begin. i guess i will simply have a slow long weekend of vietnamese noodles, vegetarian food and bao hai (fresh beer -- i know again not very muslim).
i have liked two things about the fasting, each have helped to improve the way i fell about life in general. the first is the self denial that the fasting brought. normally, there are few times where i actively practice self denial. i tend to eat and drink what i want, when i want. i do think at times, “oh this is a bit much”, but i rationalize it away and decide there is always tomorrow to make up for it. no rationalizing was needed this month, i had said i was doing something so i did it, and the balance was just about right.
the second thing i enjoyed was that my life took on a new structure. it was easy to schedule times to eat with the people i wanted to and to know when i needed to leave the office to ensure i was home in time to break fast. life took on some balance, because there was a new need to fill, i had to buka, i could not just go have a pop-tart and sit back down to email. i found that “having to have” a life actually helps you to have a life. this was a nice rationalization for a work centered person, more so when work has been so crazy lately.
overall the fasting has been positive, the structure and the denial have helped me. they have made me feel better and be more balanced. i hope that when the month is over, i do not just slip back into my previous life. the major realization for me is self denial is good, if it provides you with the structure to overcome your lack of control on things that you really should be in control of.
there is just no way having 60% of the population getting up at 5 AM is a good thing for a nation though.
the muslims are getting up at 5 AM or not eating before dinner time. neither of these are an option of me, waking up that early, when i go to bed between 1 and 2 AM is just not going to happen. i made sure i got up as early as i could, but still ate breakfast at my standard bakery stop.
the alteration i made was to try to eat half of what i wanted to for breakfast. at first i also dropped the coffee intake, but stress and less than enough sleep stepped on that plan pretty early into ramadan. from there it was just no food or drink for the day, not until sundown or about 7:15 at night. here is where i also separated, the muslims tied this to the time prays began at night, which is a bit earlier every night this time of year. i simply set it to 7:15 and left it there. to compensate for my breakfast time, i thought about making it later but i went with the standard time.
not eating during most days was less difficult than i expected. the idea of not drinking all day was the most stressful for me before i started, but in the end that wasn’t too bad either. i had planned on drinking water, as we allowed to do in christian fasting, but found it was not needed. when i was thirsty, i just waited and the desire normally went away. this is counter to the normal approach where i feel the thirst and either get a drink or plan to get a drink, either way the commitment to the action is normally enough to make sure it happens.
i did break fast three days along the way, once for the lunch with a visiting colleague, and twice just because i was hungry and simply felt like breaking. again, its good to be doing this just for me, without god waiting in the wings to get pissed and to send a bolt of lightening down to punish me for my “teh-o ais lemau”. its also a lot easier that no one expects me to be puasar, no dirty looks when i eat or drink. mat salleh’s are not expected to follow the rules.
people had warned me about putting weight on during fasting; i honestly could not think of a more upsetting outcome. i countered this by controlling the meals, nearly eliminating sweets and eating as little carbs as possible during the night time meal. this has worked out. i have not lost a ton of weight, but i have lost. i did watch the people around me who were also fasting, i went to “buka puasar” meals and was shocked at the amount of food offered. no wonder people put weight on.
this is when i realized, this fasting month is really also a feasting month; it’s just a delayed feast. people deny themselves all day, to allow themselves to feast at night. this ends with the coming hari raya feast, which is the end of ramadan and the largest and final feasting event. every one else is building to this, i on the other hand are worried the fasting will stop for me. i am planning on going to vietnam for hari raya, this will mean i will not see the true feasting really begin. i guess i will simply have a slow long weekend of vietnamese noodles, vegetarian food and bao hai (fresh beer -- i know again not very muslim).
i have liked two things about the fasting, each have helped to improve the way i fell about life in general. the first is the self denial that the fasting brought. normally, there are few times where i actively practice self denial. i tend to eat and drink what i want, when i want. i do think at times, “oh this is a bit much”, but i rationalize it away and decide there is always tomorrow to make up for it. no rationalizing was needed this month, i had said i was doing something so i did it, and the balance was just about right.
the second thing i enjoyed was that my life took on a new structure. it was easy to schedule times to eat with the people i wanted to and to know when i needed to leave the office to ensure i was home in time to break fast. life took on some balance, because there was a new need to fill, i had to buka, i could not just go have a pop-tart and sit back down to email. i found that “having to have” a life actually helps you to have a life. this was a nice rationalization for a work centered person, more so when work has been so crazy lately.
overall the fasting has been positive, the structure and the denial have helped me. they have made me feel better and be more balanced. i hope that when the month is over, i do not just slip back into my previous life. the major realization for me is self denial is good, if it provides you with the structure to overcome your lack of control on things that you really should be in control of.
there is just no way having 60% of the population getting up at 5 AM is a good thing for a nation though.
Saturday, October 06, 2007
maverick
the summer of 1986 was a tough time for me. i had just suffered the worst accident of my life, i had been crushed by a tractor, both legs were pinned and one was in a cast for the next year. the life i had wanted from the time i was nine, to be a pilot in the US marine corps had been washed away by a tragic slip of a clutch. at the time, i was still in denial, i wanted to believe i could recover from this and go right back to the life i had planned. i had chosen to go with gravity, meaning no pins were surgically inserted into my leg to hold the bones together, a decision made within hours of the break when the doctor told me pins would mean i would never be able to join the military.
in retrospect this decision was just dumb. someone else in my college had more or less the same break a week after me while playing baseball. he returned to school at the end of the summer running and playing sports. it was 8 more months before i was out of the cast and two years before i could really compete in sports again. i should have gone the easy route, but it would have meant accepting my defeat and i was not ready for that.
i have been spending time thinking about that summer, which was also the summer that top gun came out, tom cruise played the tormented pilot with a checkered history of stupid decisions and issues with authority. i saw the film which i really enjoyed, went out to get in my fathers car that a friend was driving (driving is really hard when your right leg is in a cast up to your hip), and it hit me that my life would never be as the pilot i wanted to be. i would never have the chance to launch of a carrier and save a friend. i broke into tears and smashed my hand through the dashboard, leaving a clearly identifiable fist mark which my father never asked me about.
as i remember the movie the first quotes that come to mind are, maverick saying, “i feel the need, the need for speed” or goose asking maverick if he still had the number for the truck driving school, “so we can drive the big rigs, yeah i might need that.” the one that really stands out is carol (meg ryan) asking goose to “take me to bed, or lose me forever”, what guy could forget meg ryan or kelly mcgillis saying that.
i was recently accused of not being able to engage. someone else told me i was a coward for not being willing to fight for the things that i want. as i think about this, i remember the hesitancy i felt in many aspects of my life after the accident, and i think back to this movie also. maverick watches his best friend smash his head against the canopy and later swims over and finds him dead. afterwards people expect him to just move on, to keep fighting. at one point someone tries to push him into taking a shot, and he yells, “i will shoot when i am god damn good and ready”, immediately after this exchange maverick quits and walks away.
this is what i have been thinking about. when is it time to get back in there and fight? when is it time to stop thinking about the friend you found floating dead and broken; a friend you felt as though you should have protected? when do you remember that you really are capable of engaging, being better, faster and stronger and winning any battle you decide to fight?
one of my favorite scenes in the movie is when the top gun squadron commander, someone who almost stole the film for me comes to maverick and tells him goose is gone. maverick is shaving, the metaphor of attempting to cleanse the guilt and pain away is clear. the dark and steamy bathroom scene unfolds with:
viper: how ya doin'?
maverick: i'm all right.
viper: goose is dead.
maverick: i know.
viper: you fly jets long enough, something like this happens.
maverick: he was my r.i.o., my responsibility.
viper: my squadron we lost 8 of 18 aircraft. 10 men. first one dies you die too, but there will be others. you can count on that. you gotta let him go. you gotta let him go.
in the end maverick does let goose go, he throws his dog tags he has been holding onto into the ocean and buries him within the waves they used to cruise together. this is only after he has fought a real battle, one that he froze in the middle of and some how found the strength to push through the fear and find the ability to “do some of that pilot shit”.
maverick was a role model for me once, or was more of a reflection of something i thought i wanted to be. he is now a reflection of me in another way. i don’t look much like maverick any more (yes people did tell me this when i was younger), i am more like the bald cag who sends maverick and goose to top gun in the first place, but i do still think of maverick at times. maybe it’s the times where i see myself about to do something reckless and i hear the following exchange in my head:
goose: no. no, mav, this is not a good idea.
maverick: sorry goose, but it's time to buzz a tower.
in retrospect this decision was just dumb. someone else in my college had more or less the same break a week after me while playing baseball. he returned to school at the end of the summer running and playing sports. it was 8 more months before i was out of the cast and two years before i could really compete in sports again. i should have gone the easy route, but it would have meant accepting my defeat and i was not ready for that.
i have been spending time thinking about that summer, which was also the summer that top gun came out, tom cruise played the tormented pilot with a checkered history of stupid decisions and issues with authority. i saw the film which i really enjoyed, went out to get in my fathers car that a friend was driving (driving is really hard when your right leg is in a cast up to your hip), and it hit me that my life would never be as the pilot i wanted to be. i would never have the chance to launch of a carrier and save a friend. i broke into tears and smashed my hand through the dashboard, leaving a clearly identifiable fist mark which my father never asked me about.
as i remember the movie the first quotes that come to mind are, maverick saying, “i feel the need, the need for speed” or goose asking maverick if he still had the number for the truck driving school, “so we can drive the big rigs, yeah i might need that.” the one that really stands out is carol (meg ryan) asking goose to “take me to bed, or lose me forever”, what guy could forget meg ryan or kelly mcgillis saying that.
i was recently accused of not being able to engage. someone else told me i was a coward for not being willing to fight for the things that i want. as i think about this, i remember the hesitancy i felt in many aspects of my life after the accident, and i think back to this movie also. maverick watches his best friend smash his head against the canopy and later swims over and finds him dead. afterwards people expect him to just move on, to keep fighting. at one point someone tries to push him into taking a shot, and he yells, “i will shoot when i am god damn good and ready”, immediately after this exchange maverick quits and walks away.
this is what i have been thinking about. when is it time to get back in there and fight? when is it time to stop thinking about the friend you found floating dead and broken; a friend you felt as though you should have protected? when do you remember that you really are capable of engaging, being better, faster and stronger and winning any battle you decide to fight?
one of my favorite scenes in the movie is when the top gun squadron commander, someone who almost stole the film for me comes to maverick and tells him goose is gone. maverick is shaving, the metaphor of attempting to cleanse the guilt and pain away is clear. the dark and steamy bathroom scene unfolds with:
viper: how ya doin'?
maverick: i'm all right.
viper: goose is dead.
maverick: i know.
viper: you fly jets long enough, something like this happens.
maverick: he was my r.i.o., my responsibility.
viper: my squadron we lost 8 of 18 aircraft. 10 men. first one dies you die too, but there will be others. you can count on that. you gotta let him go. you gotta let him go.
in the end maverick does let goose go, he throws his dog tags he has been holding onto into the ocean and buries him within the waves they used to cruise together. this is only after he has fought a real battle, one that he froze in the middle of and some how found the strength to push through the fear and find the ability to “do some of that pilot shit”.
maverick was a role model for me once, or was more of a reflection of something i thought i wanted to be. he is now a reflection of me in another way. i don’t look much like maverick any more (yes people did tell me this when i was younger), i am more like the bald cag who sends maverick and goose to top gun in the first place, but i do still think of maverick at times. maybe it’s the times where i see myself about to do something reckless and i hear the following exchange in my head:
goose: no. no, mav, this is not a good idea.
maverick: sorry goose, but it's time to buzz a tower.
eastern comfort
coming to asia comes with many challenges, many new experiences. some are obvious, learning new social customs, experiencing new foods, taking on new languages. all of this is obvious and expected from a westerner who is coming to asia for the first time. our friends and family ask us if we are prepared, we say “sure, no problem”; but secretly we wonder ourselves. as I said, this is expected, but there are less expected issues you confront as an expat in asia, some that are hard to anticipate or to ask about in polite social situations.
the first time i was confronted with the most urgent of these issues was in singapore’s changi airport, it was my first trip to asia, i was waiting for my connecting flight and realized i had to find a bathroom in a hurry. i searched for a few minutes and finally found a small bathroom near the restaurants on the first floor (at the time thought of as the second floor based on my american training), i walked in behind another traveler who took the second of two stalls, i pushed the door on the first stall, as i read a sign on the door, i was perplexed by the warning to take care of the trench. as I pondered what that meant, but was happy to find the door open given my urgent need, i looked up and found myself face to face with my first eastern toilet.
i remember myself, standing in shocked confusion for a moment as i pondered the situation. the room was very clean and i was sure i was capable of using the device; i have been camping or in need of relief while outdoors my entire life. this was different; the thought of using indoor facilities while in a squatting position was, well let’s say it came with a level of stress. realizing i had promised to live here in asia for the next few years, i decided that “while in asia, i must do as the asians do”.
my next experience with the eastern toilet came with a trip to mid valley, the major shopping center of KL. i again was in urgent need, as i came into the bathroom, i realized the only option was the eastern style, i said to myself, “i am a pro at this, sure there is the question of balance, but i have done this before no issue”. i move ahead with confidence, and as i was about to complete the process i realized with horror that there is no tissue dispenser inside the stall. i of course have seen the hose which is present in all bathrooms, but not having childhood experience, i have simply ignored that assuming it was there to help the maintence staff, not the patrons. i now realized, it must be there for my use. but how, how can this be used without leaving wet and uncomfortable?
the solution to this was to use the hose, pack up, go outside and find the large tissue dispenser on the wall, not near the door, but on the far side of the wall near the sinks and finally to return to the stall to as we shall say, finish the process. Nnote to self, look before you begin to use and better yet carry tissue with you at all times; an addition i have made to my messenger bag.
future trips to bathrooms around the country have lead to an understanding that water is used in the process. most times, especially in the western style rooms, too much water is used. I brought my son to the bathroom in an indian restaurant, he took one look at the water which had soaked not only the floor and toilet but the walls 6 feet high, and he openly refused to use the bathroom. it did not matter how badly he needed to go, this was not an option for him. he required the clean environment he expected with the uniform dryness in western bathrooms.
situations have followed which have made me happy to have a place to go without needing to touch the surroundings. i have needed the hose that is ever present. i have come to desire the eastern style for its lack of contact, for its simplicity and directness. i am still completely uncomfortable with the idea of water only, and shy away from the hose in general, but I do understand the desire to use the local style.
i am still confused, or should i say perplexed by the entire process. how is one to balance, ensure no piece of garment comes in contact with the wet floor, that the shirt does not touch anything in back and that any wrong choice in position does not result in a missed deposit? i do wish at times that i was wearing a sarong rather than shorts or pants, it seems the more sensible choice given the position.
embracing this part of a culture is the sign of real acceptance; or of need. i have wondered how the locals would feel going to the west and not having the water enabled bathrooms. what would they do when using a guest bathroom in someone’s house in the west? how would a westerner feel if their malaysian guest were to help them by rinsing their toilet seat for the next guest? what would that next guest think when they went in to do their thing and found a soaked seat and floor?
coming to asia and feeling comfortable takes more than learning a bit of language and trying some new foods. to do it successfully it takes one to find comfort in the areas of their life that is private as well. it takes acceptance of small things which can be very alien. it takes finding a new way to balance yourself when you are trying to do the most natural things in new and different ways.
the first time i was confronted with the most urgent of these issues was in singapore’s changi airport, it was my first trip to asia, i was waiting for my connecting flight and realized i had to find a bathroom in a hurry. i searched for a few minutes and finally found a small bathroom near the restaurants on the first floor (at the time thought of as the second floor based on my american training), i walked in behind another traveler who took the second of two stalls, i pushed the door on the first stall, as i read a sign on the door, i was perplexed by the warning to take care of the trench. as I pondered what that meant, but was happy to find the door open given my urgent need, i looked up and found myself face to face with my first eastern toilet.
i remember myself, standing in shocked confusion for a moment as i pondered the situation. the room was very clean and i was sure i was capable of using the device; i have been camping or in need of relief while outdoors my entire life. this was different; the thought of using indoor facilities while in a squatting position was, well let’s say it came with a level of stress. realizing i had promised to live here in asia for the next few years, i decided that “while in asia, i must do as the asians do”.
my next experience with the eastern toilet came with a trip to mid valley, the major shopping center of KL. i again was in urgent need, as i came into the bathroom, i realized the only option was the eastern style, i said to myself, “i am a pro at this, sure there is the question of balance, but i have done this before no issue”. i move ahead with confidence, and as i was about to complete the process i realized with horror that there is no tissue dispenser inside the stall. i of course have seen the hose which is present in all bathrooms, but not having childhood experience, i have simply ignored that assuming it was there to help the maintence staff, not the patrons. i now realized, it must be there for my use. but how, how can this be used without leaving wet and uncomfortable?
the solution to this was to use the hose, pack up, go outside and find the large tissue dispenser on the wall, not near the door, but on the far side of the wall near the sinks and finally to return to the stall to as we shall say, finish the process. Nnote to self, look before you begin to use and better yet carry tissue with you at all times; an addition i have made to my messenger bag.
future trips to bathrooms around the country have lead to an understanding that water is used in the process. most times, especially in the western style rooms, too much water is used. I brought my son to the bathroom in an indian restaurant, he took one look at the water which had soaked not only the floor and toilet but the walls 6 feet high, and he openly refused to use the bathroom. it did not matter how badly he needed to go, this was not an option for him. he required the clean environment he expected with the uniform dryness in western bathrooms.
situations have followed which have made me happy to have a place to go without needing to touch the surroundings. i have needed the hose that is ever present. i have come to desire the eastern style for its lack of contact, for its simplicity and directness. i am still completely uncomfortable with the idea of water only, and shy away from the hose in general, but I do understand the desire to use the local style.
i am still confused, or should i say perplexed by the entire process. how is one to balance, ensure no piece of garment comes in contact with the wet floor, that the shirt does not touch anything in back and that any wrong choice in position does not result in a missed deposit? i do wish at times that i was wearing a sarong rather than shorts or pants, it seems the more sensible choice given the position.
embracing this part of a culture is the sign of real acceptance; or of need. i have wondered how the locals would feel going to the west and not having the water enabled bathrooms. what would they do when using a guest bathroom in someone’s house in the west? how would a westerner feel if their malaysian guest were to help them by rinsing their toilet seat for the next guest? what would that next guest think when they went in to do their thing and found a soaked seat and floor?
coming to asia and feeling comfortable takes more than learning a bit of language and trying some new foods. to do it successfully it takes one to find comfort in the areas of their life that is private as well. it takes acceptance of small things which can be very alien. it takes finding a new way to balance yourself when you are trying to do the most natural things in new and different ways.
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