giving up

i had a football coach that used to say, “if you can’t take the heat get out of the kitchen”. that is a bit of odd direction for someone whose job was to motivate young athletes to do the best they could, to dig down and perform at levels which they didn’t know they could reach. this coach was actually someone i loved, not because he was nice to me, or that he paid any special attention to me, but because i knew if i did not work hard he would find someone who would and i would be on the bench.

there was a game my senior year, the team we were playing was very good. we were on our home field, everyone in the school was watching, my parents were in the stands, and the team we were competing against was beating us. worse than that, the player(s) across from me were fast and strong. they were beating me, i was tired and was starting to think it was time to give up, maybe "get injured", pull a muscle and stop before i made a mistake that gave the other team an advantage.

this was directly against anything i had felt on the field before and it scared me. a year before this i had my hand stepped on and broke a finger during a game. at that moment i was afraid coach would realize I was injured and take me out. i set and taped my own finger and kept playing the game. there was nothing worse than being taken out of the game when you wanted to keep playing.

but here i was, thinking about quitting, just because i was tired and afraid. at that moment, i looked up and saw coach gibbons looking onto the field. he was not just looking, he was staring at me, he was looking directly at me and i could see he was considering taking me off the field. i knew, he knew I was unsure of myself and was not playing full pace. he wanted to pull me out, i was sure of it. the fear of that was worse than anything i could experience on the field. the thought of being asked to sit down, to have everyone i knew know that i wasn’t strong enough to finish the game was worse than losing, and worse than the pain i was feeling or could feel if i kept going.

at that moment, i decided there was no way i was going to give up. i was not going to let myself be taken off the field by anyone. i had worked hard to get here, i had been given the position that i loved and was not going to let anyone take it away from me. i took a deep breath, let it out slowly, stared at coach and knew i could finish the game. as I made this decision, i saw him smile and nod his head. he knew what i had just gone through, and he agreed i could do it.

as life passes, i have more chances to go through the same kind of experience. there are moments in life when i am tired, when i want to give up, when i just want to stop and walk off the field. i can take myself out of the game at any time. i can do it without many realizing or having any opinion about it. but i don’t, i keep plugging along. i make my blocks and hit the other guy as hard as i can. maybe the only ones that know this are me and the person on the other side of the line, but i don’t want either of us to know that i gave up.

we are shaped by our experiences, this is why its so important to have as many as you can. without these experiences we would never know what we are capable of doing. without this experience i could not know that even when I am in pain and afraid of more pain and defeat, that i can reach down and find it inside myself to keep going. who would I be without this?

there is a downside, as i get older and refuse to give up, i can no longer look up and see the clock, its too hard to tell how much time is left in the game. without this, it’s hard to know if i should go all out and try to force the win, or to save something for the end. i also can not look up and see gibbons staring at me from the side lines. there are times it would be very nice to have someone smile and nod their head to let me know they know i am still playing and agree i can make it.

i know there are times when giving up is the right thing to do. its when there is no chance to win, or when you realize the game is unfair and you never could have won no matter what you did. but today is not the day. i am going to keep playing, because being taken out of the game is still worse than losing; even if I break something, I know how to tape it up and keep going.

if you’re wondering, we did win that game that day, i made a block that directly helped us win. coach never mentioned that he knew i almost quit, that is one of the reasons i loved him.