assumptions

as the kids and i walk together, as we sit with friends at a table, as i stand next to a woman i am comfortable with, the thought, "what do people think of us" crosses my mind. do people pass by us as they walk and see us coming towards them, or see us at a table having a meal, do they attempt to categorize us. where are we from? who are we? what do we do for work or play? who are we with?

people do it to all the time, everyone does it to the people around them, but i wonder how closely people can come when they do this while looking at me and the people i love. If i am alone with my kids, a pre-college jock-punk, a mid-high school bohemian chick and an elementary school ball of energy; who do people think we are? when we are traveling, do people know i am a single dad? as we laugh and joke with each other, it’s clear that we are happy; do they think that’s good, given moms death? or do they look and immediately know we are divorce survivors who have found the way to stay connected, even when forces pull us apart? is all of this unclear to them and they just think mom walked away for a few minutes and expect a curly haired woman to come up to us with a big smile and natural organizational skills.

when we go out with other families, families who do not have a father, do people look at them and think we are a large and loud single unit, rather than the two smaller families who have simply thrown our lots together and move with a natural flair of people who enjoy each others company.

these are questions that are closely related to the, ”can people tell i am an american” that i play with when traveling for business. the first time this was clear to me was the 4 AM transit flight into frankfurt a few years ago. i walked into the business class lounge, before i could open my mouth the fraulein behind the desk said, “hello, can i help you?” the shock that she could identify me as an english speaker was real. my family is a mix of every respectable european country, I can easily be mistaken for irish, english, dutch or german, but somehow, I am sure, she knew I was an american. I realize it’s not shocking, i can do the same most of the time, telling the difference between germans and brits by random mannerisms and clothing, but it was clear to me that my nationality shows through in a discernable way.

i was shopping in an outdoor market a few months ago, I was looking at a buddhist bracelet, called a dzi, which channels energy and can be customized for the wearer in order to provide the energy boosts required for each person. the owner of the stall looked at me and said, “this one is for people in management, it will provide five good energies and remove four bad energies, this would be good given your job”. i had never met this person before, but he had picked me out as a manager who needed nine energies to be rechanneled. this is despite the cargo shorts, pink t-shirt and flip flops which i was sure made me look more like an aging surfer than the general manager of a company.

so now i walk with my kids, with my friends, with my co-workers, with families for which i am not an official member and i question what people think the relationships are. can people tell who and what we are just by looking at us? can they see who we are just by watching us look at and talk with each other? can they see the comfort, the passion, the commitment to each other? can they feel the pain of the histories some of us carry with us?

within the asian community there is a strong question of “what would people think”. this helps to drive the people in the community to either keep actions to those which they are comfortable with everyone knowing, or to go to great lengths to ensure no one will ever know when they act in ways that require privacy. as an american there is an assumption of privacy, as well as a lack of concern with what people think. my father taught us to say, “who gives a f--- what people think”, its our life and we can live it anyway we want to.

but the question is, when people see us leading our lives. when they see the groups, the smiles, the bumps of the shoulder, the kisses on the cheek during hello and goodbye, when they hear the mix of languages at our table, what do they think? who do they think we are?

we are a modern family, we travel, we share many things other families would keep private and we have a good time. i am almost definitely sure everyone can tell that about us.