changing expectations

as we move through life we change, we grow, we are hurt, we see new and exciting things, we experience loss and learn new skills. all of these good and bad elements of our life make us who we are. they also change what we expect from our lives, what we think of ourselves and how we perceive the world. when we have friends or partners over a longer period of time we can move in different directions. this is the cause of much of the discomfort that comes into relationships. one or both parties change but the relationship, or the agreed direction life is taking may not; which causes stress and sometimes breakage.

just after college i was close to a person, we agreed that our lives would move together. we would each go to grad school; we would stay together, help each other, be supportive and someday start a family. time pasted, neither of us went to school, she decided she needed a break from work and found a new direction in her life. at the same time, i had found a new career, decided i did not need formal schooling, but spent much of my time working on the skills needed for my new direction.

as time passed, i started my own company and took work which required me to travel, i found that being away was more comfortable than being close. that feeling built, as i realized i was spending much of my time defending the direction my life had taken. we were each unhappy with the direction the other was taking. in the end, the relationship ended, ended completely due to the hurt feelings of rejection and loss that came with the breakup.

my next relationship was much deeper, within a few years we were happily wrapped into a family relationship that included kids, house, mini-van and a chocolate lab named for the energy of life she brought to the family. we bought a house and started reconstruction, we were comfortable living without a ground floor, gutting the house to the bare walls because we were happy with each other and where we lived was not the focus of our lives. we worked together, sharing at home, at work, day and night, friends and soul mates.

but this did not last nearly as long as i had hoped. i was distracted and disconnected; i allowed frustrations to build and did not show how much i cared for her and the relationship. one day i realized she was considering a change in direction, one that did not include me. it was too late; i had lost the grasp i thought i had. i was swimming against a current i could not overcome. the waves were not pushing me under, but they were driving me away from the direction i wanted to go in. i expected it to last forever, to always have another day to make up for today. i lost that day, it was no longer there; the day had passed without my noticing.

life continues on, new relationships start, the issue is that prior history creeps in to take the faith core to the earlier relationships away. the faith is replaced with a deeply felt sense of direction. small bumps which the new shock-absorbers of youthful hope smoothed out, now shake one to the bone. every line in the road is felt, every frost heave of past winters in each of your lives is noticed. the shuddering of the car brings fear and causes you to take your foot off the gas.

you are not looking to stop, but you are also not comfortable driving that the speeds that brought you excitement and joy when you were younger. you have seen the results that speed, drunkenness and lack of control bring. you are no longer willing to take the risk. the time and pain of prior recovery, possibly the pain you are still feeling from the last accident of life a throbbing reminder of the risks. stopping in the middle of the road would be dangerous and stupid, but hurtling forward would also be reckless. you begin to think about yourself in a new light.

relationships, life, comes with expectations. there was a time that i thought i would live my life within 10 miles of my parents house, i would have a job that isolated me from politics and allowed me plenty of time to exercise and enjoy surfing off the beach i spent my youth on. i would have a simple house, a wife i would spend my entire life with and we would always share a common direction.

i live 12,000 miles from my parents, my job is more about politics than the technology that i grew to love, i have almost no time to exercise – as my waistline continues to prove – i have not surfed more than 3 times in five years, never on the beach of my youth, always in far away beaches that i barely know. i have homes on two continents, neither i care much for but which do allow me some comfort from the day. shared expectations with one woman seems the most distant goal i could think of.

life does change ones expectations. when this happens, you need the ability to be open and tell those around you it is occurring. the thought of pain and grief at the loss of those expectations can push you to remain quiet. the way the people react to your news can also drive you to suppress your self. sometimes, even the idea of future changes in direction, those that have yet to happen can cause the stress that will eventually force the change.

as you continue to take turns, it is too bad you can’t just pull into a garage and have those old shock absorbers changed, rotate the tires and lubricate the chassis. that’s what life needs, scheduled maintenance to replace worn out parts.