scar scared

before last year ended, i went into a place for the third time and scheduled an appointment.  i had been there with my daughter last year, and a second time to ask questions, but the last time i went to get an appointment.  the appointment was today, and i have been stressed increasingly as the date approached.  what the hell was i doing?  why did i want to make this choice?

the choice was to get a tattoo.  i have gone back and forth on this for two years now.  somehow, something i never wanted to do before had a strong draw.  it started one day at the pool with my, beautiful indian former girlfriend.  she had a tattoo on her back that looked wonderful on her.  it was a strange contrast to both her skin and her personality.  i still find it strange that the tattoo was the chinese character for tranquility.  given she was tamil and based on the symbol.

since that day, i have been considering today.  8 weeks ago i climbed three flights of stairs, made an appointment and walked away with a slip of paper that has been stuck on my refrigerator's door.  that scrap has been a daily reminder of the scheduled meeting with permanent ink.

my daughter was here last year, and left with a row of tattoos on her back.  she also choose chinese characters.  she called on the way home to tell me about them, there was excitement and satisfaction in her voice.  i could tell she saw this as the first act of her adulthood.  she had made a choice that was going to be her's to wear for the rest of her life.  she was happy that we had allowed it, and that she was capable of carrying out the decision.

i know, your saying "how can you allow your teenage daughter to do something like get a tattoo"?  you may not know my kids.  if you do, you also know they have strong and capable minds of their own.  besides, she was putting a needle with ink into herself, not one filled with drugs.  the thing that was going to stay with her was a row of marks on her back, not a child or an STD.  in the grand scheme of things, we were happy with this if it helped to eliminate something that would be worse.

why is being friends with your kids and letting them make their own choices considered bad?  best-case she loves it and you trusting her with the power of choice.  worst case, she hates it and and realizes that things can dumb; even those that seem like a good idea at the time.  the latter would be a valuable lesson, the former is what we ended up with that day.

so here i am; in a crazy way following in my teenager's footsteps.  i am going to a place full of chinese guys with tattoos all over them.  they remind you of a group of young yakuza on the way to a life of crime.  but spending even a few minutes with them shows you they are talented young guys who have somehow found the pleasure of using their body as a mobile canvas of self-expression.  impressionistic artists rather than violent crime members; but it is obvious how the mistake could be made.

finally today came, and i wondered if i would find a way to avoid going.  would i choose to not choose?  would i have a change of heart and construct some simple excuse to not sit for hours while ink is pushed into my skin by electrically controlled needles?  the time inched closer and i knew i had to move to make my appointment.

i walked in right on time, they looked at me and said, "you had an appointment with who?"  the artist wasn't even there.  my appointment had been lost.  there was a 10 minute search though manual files and a box of old registers.  there were two staff members, guys who were not brothers but looked a lot alike.  i was told it was just the duplicate glasses they wore that formed the illusion of siblinghood.  in the end, they proved i was telling the truth and was not just a walk-in trying to con my way into an quick artistic scarring.  

"boy" had made a mistake and not written the appointment down.  they offered to let me punch him in the face.  i appreciated the offer, but declined.  then again, these were people i was going to pay to stick me with needles, i didn't think giving one of them reason for retribution was a healthy start to the relationship.

i was vindicated, but i am still un-scarred.  i had waited for 8 weeks, and my time with virgin skin continues.  i feel like a teenager, anticipating something that adults warn to consider more than once before doing.  people have told me not to rush into this, others have suggested i should just get drunk and do it.  it makes me think about the first time...  hmmmm, let's not go there.  

now, there is a piece of tracing paper sitting on an artists desk, waiting to have my tattoo drawn.  i will need to build myself up, and walk up those stairs one more time.  all of this to do something i wondered if i would ever do. 

why do i want to do something haram?  well, it's not haram for me is it?  which is probably exactly why i am doing it.  (un)fortunately, there is no one to tell me not to do it.  i am making my own decisions, and if i make a bad one i will wear it.  this is an act of self expression, a statement to the world that i will not be able to simply cover up.  placement is key to this, but let's wait to discuss that.

just like my daughter's, my elected scar could be the first of my adult acts.