last lecture

i was talking to a co-worker a few weeks ago.  she asked if i had read the last lecture.  i had never heard of it, and she told me it was a series of lectures that carnegie mellon does with its professors.  they actually call it the journeys series, the idea is for a professor to give a lecture on any topic they want to, but to bring a life lesson to the audience.  the lecture is to be something they can leave for the others.  the conversation was out of context and was not really clarified, but it was clearly a suggestion.

i spent the afternoon catching up with another friend yesterday.  the conversation left me with questions of on connections, purpose and legacy.  i felt a nagging emptiness; a feeling that there should be more to my day than lunch and a trip to the mall.  where was the purpose and greater direction that i craved?  i had eaten lightly during the meal, and i felt a craving for more.  but i knew it was not food that i wanted; i was looking to be filled in another way.

i needed to go to the mall for two children, boys on different continents who had asked me in different languages to replace now-broken presents from the past.  each were asking for the same re-present, and in both cases i was more than happy to provide.  adding a trip like this to my day was a gift to me, it gave me something outside of the empty KL weekend.  i am a parent to one of these boys, and a surrogate of sorts to the other.  in KL children i don't know strangely call me uncle.  in belgium i have a child to whom i am an adopted uncle, he naturally calls me by my name.  in the US i have children who thankfully call me dad.  i miss this odd collection of family, and sending presents is a tiny symbol of regret for not being there.

family first, even when the family is 6 or 12 timezones away.  changing my day, adding a trip and purchase knowing a smile will result is more than enough to get me going.  

as i walked, i thought about the craving, i thought about the distance and the desire to get there.  it was then that i realized my thoughts had taken me in the wrong direction.  i was going on the same old road which was in the wrong direction.  i shook my head and knew i had to turn around and change direction.  this is the benefit of having a map in your head, you can see landmarks and realize where you went wrong; you can adjust and recover.

before i went to make the promised purchases, i went to the best bookstore in the country.  last weekend was spent in malaysian and malaysian-copied border kedai buku, but i was drawn to the top-floor japanese store that i love. i spent an hour walking around and snatching up titles.  i looked for a few books which i couldn't find, i forgot to look for others which might have been there, but i found 9 books covering eclectic subjects.  i took titles on badly behaving saints, beautiful people's procreation, matters of culture, history of god and a little bit of politics.  as i walked to the register, i was counting the books and calculating the cost.  i wondered if i was taking too much.  the aching in my arms might have been a sign, but the woman in front of me turning and saying "you sure like to read!" made it clear.

as i shyly looked down and thought of something to say, i picked up "the last lecture".  i remembered the question, and realized the suggestion made in a quiet and indirect way mattered.  i turned to the woman who had just commented on my full arms and asked if she had read it, she said, "no, but i saw the video, ... what a sad story".  i cried last week watching a movie of a dog's life and its inner meaning to his family, i wondered if i needed to consider the life of a man.  it wasn't a choice, i just added it to the pile of thoughts.  this small book completed the filling of my bags.

i took my purchases, went to do my re-present collection and decided to have a delicious dinner with my books.  i drove over and took three in with me.  the other two were to ease into the life lessons that a last lecture would bring.  once i started reading, there was no stopping.  randy pausch wrote with openness and clarity.  he was writing to give his children memories and lessons when he would not be there to give them personally.  thankfully, those lessons have been shared with all of us.  it's a book that i will hand to people i care about.  it is something you share with people you love.

i finished the book today and immediately had two thoughts, the first was something i already know, but sometimes rationalize away, "there is no time worth wasting".  the second, is the real lesson of the book, "the person next to you is more important than you are".  you need to live your life for them more than yourself.  it is easy to allow prior hurt, current anger or fear of the future to cloud your ability to live.  i closed the book and considered those two lessons.

in this short and fragile life, being able to smile is just not enough.  it takes getting up and moving to begin to live.