asian openness

i have been having a running debate with a friend for the past few days; and with myself for much longer.  the debate centers on the  relative levels of cultural openness that the asian and western life allows... or is it expects.  let's set the stage here by having me stipulate, i try not believe one way or the other is correct.  but, hope we can admit that having grown up in one it is hard to understand the other.

this thought has been front and center for me for the past few weeks.  it was sparked by a chance meeting in a parking garage.  i walked up to an auto-pay machine that had a family standing around it waiting for the elevator.  the 6 year-old son stood in front of the machine pretending to push buttons.  you could see the desire to actually use the machine.  the painful suppression of those urges was clearly visible to a father of boys with much less restraint.  i smiled at him and handed him my card to put into the machine.  he burst into a smile and looked at his mother for permission.  i said to him, "go ahead, it's fine" 

when we were done paying my fee, i turned and handed him a ringget for his help.  his mother, a pretty chinese woman, reached into her bag to hand me something in return.  i thought i might be receiving a card and an offer for a future coffee.  that was destroyed when she said, "you should try my product, it is a juice that will help you lose weight". 

the first time i was publicly told i was fat was years ago in the US.  i was in boston, shopping for running shoes in a store owned by a famous marathoner.  i had just won a 10K race, and was quite happy with my fitness level.  the shoe guy looked at me and suggested i give up my nike air-max and try a new balance saying, "these are very popular with heavier runners".  

who the hell was he talking too?  wait, it was me.

the juice lady had just taken this to a whole new level.   sure, the shoe guy knew i was trying to be fit and the juice lady could have been confused by the bag of nachos i was taking home for dinner during conference calls.  but even by deliberately open-western standards, telling a complete stranger they are fat is considered rude in most of the world.

i have come to anticipate this over the past few years.  i have been asked by women i barely know if i want to "see if we work", if we do i can get them a green card to the US.  i was asked by a neighbor one morning at 8 AM while riding down the elevator clearly dressed for a run (shorts, t-shirt and a water bottle on my belt), if i was headed to the pub.  when asked why she thought that she replied, "well, you are white, i just assumed".  

i was asked on a first date what it was like to be a "sex-addict".  i put my fork down on my salad plate and stared into the woman's questioning gaze.  i hesitantly asked, "do i seem like a sex addict to you?"  images of wilt chamberlin and david duchovny floating in my head.  i watched her expression change to confusion.  she slowly replied, "well, all mat salleh are... aren't they?"

it would be one thing if this meant that all conversations can just be direct and open.  they can not, in fact, much here is kept hidden.  it's just that mat salleh are fat, drunk, sex addicts who have no feelings and can asked for money or employment permits with no previous connection. 

it is okay to gossip about people if they are seen together, but you can not ask a married person a question about their spouse.  it's okay for people to share salary and bonus information, but when someone resigns they consider the new employer's name P&C.  it appears to be standard to escalate an issue to a manager, and then become upset if the manager acts on the information.

i have sometimes wondered if it's considered acceptable to lie, as long as the person you are talking to knows your lying.  i wanted to ask someone, but i wasn't sure if they would tell me the truth.

i was talking to a friend the other day.  he was telling me that he is amazed by western parents.  we treat our children as friends, and accept that they have free will and desires of their own.  he told me his parents would not accept his getting an apartment and having his long-term girlfriend sleep over.  this is not a high school or college student.  it's a professional who travels internationally for work and has real responsibility in his life.  

if you can not be open with the people who are closest to you, why would you be open with anyone?  this is like making love with someone, striping away all barriers, sharing the most intimate parts of yourself to form a connection with them; then listening to them go into the bathroom, close the door you barely realize exists and clicking the lock to keep you out.  this small sound can be deafening, because it locks away any trust you thought had been opened.

if asked they might say, "it's just a small matter".  but it's not, not to someone that struggles to remove their own barriers.  hearing the click of the lock, watching the practiced blankness of guarded expression, or having someone tell you something that simply fails the test of "plausible deniability" is common place here.

my father taught his kids, "you can ask any question, but you need to be able to deal with the answer".  this is a lesson that is clearly not part of the culture.  but he also taught us  to respect distance while accepting people for who they are.  this is a lesson i would not survive here without...

maybe i need to bring my father here and let him loose.  that would be an interesting experiment.

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short footnote: 

i did ask the juice lady if she thought this was acceptable behavior, she handed me a second flyer with before and after pictures of her in a bikini.  she told me the product had helped her and her husband both loose weight.  i told her she might be able to soften the pitch if she started with the picture of her in a bikini, both before and after were very nice.

she stopped as she huddled her clan into the waiting elevator.  she smiled at me, pointed to her number and suggested we could discuss it over coffee.

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