three lives

things in my life are changing, moving quickly, more quickly than i would have guessed or asked for. the fact that my life is in a constant state of change is nothing new. i used to work in a profession that guaranteed change. i liked it, i looked forward to it, i told myself it made me better and helped me remember who my clients were and why they had me there.

one day a few years ago i heard the words, “i am not happy”, this was like lighting a fire under me. i have had people who were unhappy around me my whole life, but the person saying these words was my life. if unhappiness had crept this close to me, i knew there was suffering on the way. to avoid the pain and suffering on the horizon more change was required. i had been changing already, anticipating hearing these words, but the pace increased. i started to change everything i could. nothing worked, even more change, and the pain came. it was unavoidable. i lost the life i loved.

i spent years in mourning. all the stages of grief were there: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. even after all that, i was still not ready to move on. i would find people who i enjoyed being with, but who had some … block that kept us from being happy. i would start relationships knowing they were doomed to end. i would find women who would spend the time to tell me how wrong i was for them. it was fun to continue to meet people who would remind me that i would never meet their family, because the family would not accept me.

during all this time, i had the image of the perfect woman for me. she was smart, motivated, strong, and professional. she had a mind of her own, could communicate and was willing to share, but she had a soft nature that made me remember that she was a woman with strong feelings. she was also deeply feminine, with a sense of style and comfort in her womanhood. she would read challenging books, while sitting at the pool having a drink and watching the kids play. we would wake up together in the morning, go to church, have lunch with the family, cook dinner together, she would dry the dishes as i washed them, finally we would sit together on the couch and she would talk to me about things that were important to her. we would spend all day finding excuses to touch each others hands gently for no reason at all.

so i had one life i that i missed, one i was living – and enjoying, even if it was not perfect – and the life i truly wanted, but had no real hope of finding.

one saturday night, i went to dinner. i had met and had a very good time with my dinner companion in the past. we were able to sit and talk, for hours with no effort. our time together had never felt like the date, or interview, i had come to associate with meeting new people. we were comfortable with each other, and neither of us seemed to be trying to impress the other. we both seemed to be done with dating and were using our cynicism to limit any expectations.

somewhere during that night, sitting in a crowded bar, we shared a moment. we actually shared a few moments, a smile, a brushing of the skin on our arms, a grasp of hands, a kiss, a hug and finally when the lights came on an agreement that we would continue the night together. rather than going our own ways, we decided to go together into the night and to find if the comfort and ease would follow us into moments of privacy.

the comfort has stayed with us, the moments have turned into hours, days and weeks. we are talking about each other with friends, our families know about us, we have pictures of each other openly displayed, we are planning things months into the future. there are thoughts of things much longer into the future which are scary to even consider planning, but there is one constant, comfort.

i still have three lives. i have one that is no longer the life i spend all my time thinking about. i have another which is moving quickly and which – although i know it should be – is not freaking me out. and, lastly i have one that is no longer a life i think i will never have.

this could all blow apart in a moment, if it does, i will not destroyed. i can not allow that to happen again so soon, so i will simply not let that happen. but i have found that i can fall in love, i can think of a new woman sharing my future, i can hand someone the key to my heart and tell them to come and go when ever they want. there will never be a need to call first, there will never be anyone one else behind a closed door, there is no need to knock because the door will be open.

leaving the door open is a sign of trust. that is what i have found, the ability to trust someone else, as well as being able to trust myself. the locks of the past never protected me, so i am just going to give the key and not freak out when she uses it.