private time

it’s a strange thing about people that they always seem to want what they don’t have. i guess wanting what you do have is boring. you have it, there is nothing to do but sit back and enjoy. the thing i have had in limited supply lately is time just for me. work and personal life have both been busy; a few times i have been asked if i miss the private time that would come with being alone. the immediate answer was, “no, not at all”. as i sit and reflect, i am not sure why i don’t miss the private time.

i have always valued time alone, time to do the things that interested me and that did not interest others. sitting and reading a book cover to cover over the span of hours is a passion from my youth. the ability to focus on nothing but the world the writer is creating in your head. enveloping yourself in the reality that you create by mixing the writers words with your own experiences or imagination. private, self focused, time is the only way to accomplish this. the demands of life and work take the ability to focus this intensely away.

our company has a policy of work life balance. the basic premise is that work and life should both be given priority to allow the person to enjoy both aspects of their lives. once i was having a hallway conversation with my boss, i was commenting that the staff seemed to be a ragged. i felt we needed to slow down to give them the work life balance we were saying we cared about. his witty reply was, “work life balance, that’s really just a marketing phrase”.

work does take a lot of time from your life, more so when work never seems to end. having meetings most nights, responding to email while driving or while still in bed, being always on call, these are elements of our jobs which we accept. this is a part of our lives.

on the home side, things are not so clear. work is already taking our time, where do home activities fit into this? i remember half listening while my daughter told me a story from her day. i was consumed with work of one form or another, and thought i was giving her the attention she needed. i look back on this and realize i was not even close. work life balance means taking the time to focus on your family, without the back ground noise of work constantly intruding.

you need to focus on the person you are with, not the project you left in the office. you need to listen to them whithout checking your email while they are talking. you need to take the time to eat a meal, clean up together and at the end of the day tell a story about a princess who never thought she fit in, but realized everyone can feel the same way.

these are the moments that family members remember or crave from you. these are the moments you must give them.

this leaves all those activities that you would like to do just for yourself. obviously if we are already committed to having a demanding job, and emotionally supporting our family we are now short on time for other things. there are things i have thought of doing, have tried to add to my life, but have not been able to fit them in. i had a book of yoga vouchers; they were good for a month and were at a studio no more than 10 minutes from my house; i didn’t use a single one. i signed up for a salsa class, went to 4 classes, had to travel and never signed up again for the replacement classes. i called about a hopkido class that my son wants me to take, he is doing tae kwan do, and thinks it would be good if i found a way to be violently thrown to the floor two or three nights a week; i never went. i have lived in malaysia for over a year, and have barely seen anything outside of kl.

what would i do with purely private time if i had it? i have sat down and written a list. i know this is a type A personality approach to all problems, but hey it works. the following are the list of things i would do:

write -- for this blog and on other projects
email -- to friends and family who i don’t connect with enough
cook -- shop, prepare, eat, clean (much more time consuming than take away)
exercise -- 90 minutes a day to sweat and feel good
code -- i miss writing software
read -- too many books are stacked and waiting for me

the last item on the list was sleep, but i pragmatically realize that taking the time to do these things would mean having even less time for sleep. i have worked myself down from 9 hours a night a few years ago to a sustainable average of 6 hours a night. some nights more, some less, but 6 is a good average. think of it as 3 more hours to focus on the central demands of life. now if i could get down to 3 hours, yes then i would have time for private time.

private time for me is time to focus on myself. maybe i don’t feel the need for private time because i want my company and my family to be happy and healthy. i just accept that there is not enough time for everything, and those around me have to come first. i really would love to go for a run though.

maybe i should try to change the marketing phrase to, “balance work, life and you”.