fatherhood

in the past 10 days i have played with and held children on three continents. i have had a little monster with bright blue eyes and green crocs, dance with joy at the simple sight of me. i have had a seven year old run to me and hug me so hard that i was able to start breathing again after three months of holding my breath. i have also gotten a hug from a wild-haired teenager who makes it clear that although she gives the best hugs in the world, she only gives them to grandma.

with no doubt in my mind i can say that i lead a strange and blessed life. i have children; i am a father, which is all i really ever wanted to be. i have had different jobs: lifeguard, accountant, software engineer, consultant, manager. but, the job i have enjoyed the most, missed the most when i was not doing it is father. work is simply work, it allows me provide for the family, in the past 15 years it has also let me build surrogate families which i could lead and in whom i called the staff, “the kids”. but the kids that matter to me the most are the little ones with the big eyes who bring you a toy and ask you to play with them, expecting you to say “of course” because of who you are.

i have three children from my marriage; one for which i was there at conception and birth. being there and holding my wife’s hand while she gave birth to our children was a defining goal for me as i entered adulthood. i would find a woman i loved, we would have children, we would make them from the love we shared and we would always be there for them. that is what i still want to accomplish, but the rules of the game have changed to allow me to still declare this a win.

i proposed to my wife when her daughter looked at me one night while i was tucking her in. she was beautiful with big brown eyes and a bigger loving heart. she asked me, “will you marry my mommy and be my daddy?” there was nothing more in the world that i wanted, or that i thought would make me happy. i married the woman i loved and i ended up with three kids, all of whom i love equally, all of whom call me dad.

there are men in this world who walk away from their children. some live 20 minutes away and never see the kids. they may be too busy, or too angry, to pick up the phone and see how the kids are doing. they don’t want to bump into the new man in mom’s life or they simply never had the interest in the kids in the first place. many have the ability to blame the wife for all the things that poisoned the relationship and have caused them to not see the kids. you find these men starting over, starting new families and saying this time will be different. do any of these men see themselves as bad fathers? do they take responsibility for the tears the children shed?

fatherhood is the small moments. it’s taking the time to get out of the chair and to teach the kids to swim. it’s taking the training wheels off the bike and telling them its okay to fall, as long as you get back up again and keep trying. it’s cleaning a scrape out and holding them until they stop crying. it’s taking them to the window and laughing at the lightening that has them scared; making a game of it so they are never scared again. it’s keeping in mind the big picture and picking your battles, its staying relaxed when they have your frustrated, its laughing when you could otherwise be upset. its making sure they know there is nothing in the world more important to you than they are.

fatherhood is taking a picture as you drive fast down the highway, to digitally capture the sun shimmering on the wind blown hair of your daughter, or waking up in the middle of the night on the couch with your head touching your son’s head. it’s lighting a fire in the back yard and letting the kids play in the dirt until they are exhausted. it’s taking time from your writing to give your kid a hug, just because he needs one.

the most important part of fatherhood is to be able to love their mother. it doesn’t matter what happened in the relationship. kids need to know they were made from love. they need to know that the two people they love the most are willing to put any other issues aside for them. this is the difference between a man and a father. fathers put the kids first, always.

i am not the dictionary definition people think of when they think of a father. i live half a world away, i stay connected via the internet, but i love my kids with all my heart. fatherhood is the only job i will ever define myself by. my bonus is the hugs and smiles i get from the kids. life is good, good because i have kids in my life who love me.