public displays of affection

i am sitting in a business class lounge in milan, waiting for a plane back to the US. the woman in her late fifties sleeping in the chair next to me just woke up, stretched, got up and prepared herself to leave. she reached over to her husband and they kissed and hugged each other. it was a loving, gentle moment that these two people shared in a very crowded room full of strangers.

this moment got me thinking about our abilities to open up and show affection for each other. last night as i left a party, i gave a few hugs, and kissed the women on the cheeks – three times, the way i have been trained in belguim. one of the americans there asked for a hug, but i didn’t want to give him one; the other threatened me if i tried to give him one. both of these men had spent three full days discussing every woman who walked by, but now i find one or both of them is uncomfortable with the easy showing of affection a hug or a kiss on the cheek portrays in europe.

one of my best friends in the world was in prague this week. we spent much of our free time together with others. other than an occasional bump of the shoulders while we were telling a story, there was no physical contact. but we get along very well and the closeness shows. the fact that we are different genders motivated two people to ask if we were sleeping together. we have been a couple in the past, but we both have other people in our lives now and mentioning those others while talking completely confused people. you could see the looks on their faces; “but, you're so close”.

one afternoon a friend in malaysia im’d me and mentioned she had seen a couple kissing in public the day before. this was a bit shocking – and hopeful – for my westernized, but hidden friend. i told her a story of a couple in a bar the night before, they were sitting and talking. it was late at night and the place was mostly cleared out. the bartender was walking around and asking if we had any “last wishes”. i glanced up and saw the couple smiling at each other and as i watched he leaned down and kissed her gently between her breasts. she smiled at him and kissed him lightly on the lips in thanks. my friend was shocked that it was so easy and accepted.

all of these small moments are examples of the differences between the three societies i live within. the rules are different, the moments of exchange are different, but i am the same person. i try to fit into each of these cultures, but honestly am most comfortable within europe. my favorite waiter in the world is named luc, last weekend i drove 30 minutes of my way to go to a town i have never been to before to find luc’s new restaurant. the drive was worth it because every time you see luc he gives you a kiss hello and goodbye; man or woman doesn’t matter. he knows i live in asia and asked me about it. we have very limited shared language, but it always feels wonderful when i see luc. there is nothing like this in the US or asia for me.

another moment of public affection this week was when a colleague who has just moved from the US to europe walked into a large room that i was sitting in, with many people at desks. he was going to have a quick meeting with someone and we saw each other as he walked in. without words, we walked up to each other and had a quick but strong embrace. as we parted i felt the eyes of the staff around us, many eastern european who are a bit more restrained in their levels of contact. i whispered to him “i think we are freaking out the straights”. we smiled at each other and went back to the work we were each doing. the whisper was the only words we spoke to each other, but i am happy i saw him and had the chance to hug.

the american who asked for the hug in the bar last night, the one who i was sure was asking to make a joke, and honestly would not have felt comfortable with the physical contact, pushed the point, trying to embarrass me with my comfort in showing friends these small tokens of affection. before i walked out, i reached over and hugged him from behind, and kissed him on the back of the neck. the 12 other people around the table burst into laughter, and i was sure i had made my point.

public displays of affection for many are normal and common. for others they are foreign and frightening. as i know from my time in a muslim country, sometimes they are forbidden but exciting given the risk being reported.

i live in three cultures, i am more or less comfortable in each, but i find that public displays of affection are the moments that you remember later. they are the moments that you carry with you for the rest of your life. they bring smiles and an inner peace. i think it’s that the more open you can be, the easier it is to enjoy the moment.