privacy

i was thinking more about my last post, okay not post because i haven’t published it yet, but i did write it, i finished the thought, but had more rambling around in my head, so here we go again. to make things clear, i recently had a conversation with a close friend, at the end i saw disappointment in their eyes. it’s uncomfortable for me, and i want to know what to do to fix it.

the thing is what can any of us do once we have disappointed someone. we can stop doing what has disappointed them, and promise not to do it again. but if what we did was not strictly wrong, just something that someone we care about doesn’t understand or respect, its harder to decide how to move forward without giving up something that we would rather keep.

as a teenager we learn that the days of telling our parents everything are over. as a teen, i told my parents much more than my friends told theirs. this was due to the bohemian family dynamic, where few things were considered indefensively wrong. when parents know you are engaging in illicit behavior and giving you the advice to “have fun, but be careful”, you tend to view the world with a sense of grey rather than black and white.

as a parent, you see your children begin to take their personal lives into a private mode. they are simply doing the same thing most parents have always done with their children, controlling the flow of information to match the need and the audience. children don’t need to know everything that happens in their parent’s lives. as children mature they start to feel the same rule can be applied in reverse. some parents are horrified by this, which i think is a lack of trust in their children; i am guessing the children feel the same way.

my muslim friends know i drink alcohol and eat pork; they may also know i kiss dogs and let them lick my face. my catholic friends know in the last few years i have seldom attended mass, and that i support choice. my atheist friends know i believe in god (just not sure it’s the one any of the major religions are locked into) and that i firmly believe in right and wrong or good and evil. none of them hold this against me, i guess if they did we would not be friends. they might hope i change, but they know its part of who i am.

all of my friends know i am both an open person who will talk about anything and will always try to give an honest answer, but that i am also a private person, one who believes a person can make their decisions if they are willing to take responsibility. privacy is a good thing, it allows us to lead our lives without having our neighbors figuratively peering into our lives with the moral stand of a entitled voyeur.

and yet, i have opened up and discussed things that could be private. not admitting it at best could have been a lie of omission. but it would not have been that, it would have been a simple explicit lie. it would have taken a brick from the pillar of our relationship; the pillar holding the ceiling up would have been weaker for it. the brick needs somewhere to go though, so it would have been placed on the side, laid end to end, and then stacked, until enough have been moved and you realize the pillar is nearly gone, but that it has been replaced with a wall. the difference is the wall doesn’t allow you see or hear around it, and the relationship withers.

so, what is the right course; privacy or honesty? i am hoping the answer is both, privacy and honesty, with respect thrown in, respect for both the feelings of those around us and for us from them. privacy is the ability to keep some things to ourselves, so that we do not disappoint others. but when we do share, those that love us have to help us by understanding that we do things, even if we ourselves do not understand why.