structured lying

living in a new country involves meeting a lot of new people. not having anyone you know you seem to be getting to know a lot of people all at the same time. as you get to know more and more people you notice that meetings become interviews of a sort and later meetings bring details that were hidden, downplayed or simply lied about. people when they are meeting someone new have the image of themselves they want to project to the other person.

i have come to see this as structured lying. “i like to cook, i read constantly and i love to travel. i enjoy sports and friends say i am jovial.” you later find out they eat take away every night, they only read the menu of new restaurants they are going to for take away and they hate to travel, especially if the trip has anything to do with sports.

the question i have is, who are the lies for?

are they telling you what they want you to believe but know is just plain false? this can not be it. if it is, how long do they think they can keep up the mirage? over time things come out. you talk with them, they tell stories, they share feelings, things are bound to come out. they do come out and then what, how do you explain the lies?

the alternative is that they don’t know the things they are saying are false. i actually find this a bit more upsetting and sad. they tell you things you find to be completely false, and they don’t know it about themselves. let me give you an example, i met someone who told me she spends time with her kids by taking them to brunch “every” sunday at a certain restaurant. i knew her for a few months and not one weekend did she seem to be with the kids. i have gone to that restaurant for brunch many, many weekends and have never seen them. was it a story? why would you say something like that if its not true? why would you give such detail, its too easy uncover.

getting to know someone is like pealing the onion. you need to get from one layer to the next. there are people who are very closed and others who are very open, making it more or less difficult to get to the next layer. some people almost refuse to talk, they are skilled at asking you questions so they never need to discuss themselves. i have started to believe they cant come up with a story that sounds good, so they just refuse to try. other people you cant stop from talking, but you wonder if they are interested in getting to know you, or just want someone to hear their life story and opinions and could care less who it is.

i am starting to think people don’t really know themselves. if they do, they are hoping to change and why not start with telling you something about themselves that they want to be true. fover time, that crumbles, because those things are still not true after saying them. they need to spend the time to make it true first, then they can say them and have some proof.

moving to a new country is a great way to start over and gives you the chance reinvent yourself. it’s like moving to a new school system when you are kid, all that baggage you had with the old school is gone and you can start over, just on a larger scale. dating is kind of the same thing, but on a smaller scale most of your life is the same, only one person in it is different. but in all these cases, in the end you are the same person who will make the same kind of moves and mistakes if you are not careful. history does have a way of repeating itself.

what if we just told the truth???? hmm lets see,

“i am 41, i live away from everyone i know because i lost my wife to a loser with a drinking problem. i spent too much of my time focused on work and not focusing on my family, now just about all i do is work. i love to cook, but i never do it because i am too lazy to do it for just me. i like people, but most of them bore the hell out of me and i spend most of my free time alone. its one am and i am writing an entry for a blog that no one reads, about a subject that most people don’t seem to understand if i try to explain it”

hmmmmmmmm…. maybe is should just say: i want to find friends and would be willing to share yoga or dance class with someone.