social contract

i watched a few strange interactions over the past week that have lead me to ask, what is our responsibility to others who have passed through our lives, when they show up at our door step later. the over riding question is, when someone we cared about at one time shows up and asks for help, forgiveness or simply our attention, what are we obligated to do?

what if a person who was hurt deeply by a former love is asked to forgive the person and accept them back into their lives. you can imagine the stage setting; the regretful person made mistakes and after a long contemplation period now realizes the error of their ways. the fact that apologies have been a standard element of the relationship for years, with formerly unfulfilled promises of correction, is somewhat lost in the newest round of assurance. would any level of guarantee motivate one to turn their back on the clean break and potential cheerful future that new relationships could bring?

this person has hurt us in the past, and is fully capable of doing it again. we have loved the person, still love them probably. when is the time to close your heart to them and stop believing that our love will be enough to change them? when will moving on not feel like a betrayal of the obviously weak willed person, yourself and the loved ones who are in the middle.

what if a single person were confronted with need from with two former lovers on the same day? each comes hoping for a place to stay, temporarily of course, as a bridge while they are recovering from being ejected from their homes for real or suspected ill doing. in this case, neither of the culprits had done anything hurtful to the requested, not recently anyway. any evil doing was done to others, and although the effects had washed over the person they were now seeking shelter from, there was never any direct intent to hurt that person.

does one need to choose between these two sorry souls, who were supposedly wrongly accused of the crimes they were being punished for? the fact that proof was readily available can be discounted. the crimes were not directed at you, does it matter that crimes were committed? there is a person in need, a friend, someone you cared for in the past. when do you decide that the best thing for them is to suffer the punishment, humiliation and sorrow that will come from having to fully face the impact of their actions?

what if there was never any crime, real or imagined. you simply had a person who touched your life in a gentle and quick way. sometime in the future they drift back into your sphere of reality, either by chance or choice. this would be someone who was never really a part of your life in a meaningful way, but who could have been if timing or circumstances were different. one day they are in front of you, a chance meeting, an unexpected sms, a phone call with a voice that jars you from your comfortable reality to one where you remember an almost forgotten friend.

when this happens and they ask you for your help, your time or your attention what are you to do? the social contract would say you must return the attention you are given, be kind and generous with your time. but what if others have now entered your life, or if you are simply comfortable with your situation as it exists and you do not want to muddy the waters by adding more feet splashing in the puddles.

in all of these cases there is someone standing in front of you hoping for you to show interest, compassion or empathy for their situation. they may need you because there is no where else to turn, they may simply want you because they know you are someone who will not say no, they may not truly understand what they are asking for or why.

a common refrain is “everyone lies”. when do you need to over look that and continue to help those who ask you for it? does it ever matter, even if you know someone is lying to you, or possibly even to themselves, do you have the right to say no to someone who asks you for something?

my choice to answer all of these questions is to say, if the person has the ability, not the intent, the simple ability to hurt me or those i care about, especially if they have proven on more than one occasion that they are willing to do it, then the social contract is void and self preservation comes into play. no one has the right to hurt others and use our own good nature or feelings to manipulate us into either allowing it or to become an accomplice.

other people just reenter our lives at times that accepting them would be in one way or another uncomfortable to us. honest and good people will understand when we tell them why we can not help them. other times we simply need to understand that as adults we need to do things that are uncomfortable. that’s what life is, making tough choices.