p ramlee

living in a foreign country for almost 5 years gives you the opportunity to question your own country is many ways. the things you take for granted, because you culturally share them with friends and family, are rarely the same for those who are around you day to day. social beliefs come from many sources; the words of politicians and preachers, the spin of news and the fiction in books. but the most powerful for me is the stories and characters in movies. i find that cultures are driven by their icons, which has me thinking about my adopted home.

there is a new restaurant in bangsar village called "plan-b". as the name suggests there is almost nothing new about the place. the menu and management team were both stolen from delicious when the owners sold that successful chain to the E&O hotel group. possbily to make it less of a direct copy, this time the color scheme is black, and the staff is mostly local; neither of which is a positive change. the only improvement to the place is the showing of "p. ramlee" movies running silently on large screens at the back of the house.

as i was waiting for the worst service i ever, the movies gave me a chance to consider how much malaysia has changed since the 60s. the women in the film were uncovered and tightly wrapped in kebaya, some of the most beautiful women i have seen here. the subtitles helped me follow along with the plot, which seemed to have three paths:

1. the splitting up of a fathers estate among brothers that smiled at each other but all wanted more than they got
2. the failure of a one of the brothers businesses
3. the attempt to marry three daughters off to a rich business associate in an attempt to avoid admitting failure publicly

the movie was full of plotting and fake smiles, success would come from inheriting or marrying into wealth, rather than building it. talent was not the driver of the film or the culture, it was what connections you made and how you conducted meetings behind closed doors. the idea that "it's not what you know, it's who you know" is there in the US, but it's not the core of the cinema experience; or of the cultural. if p. ramlee is the example of movie icon here, i began to wonder who it is for the US.

using movies from the same period as the ramlee films, i would point to john wayne as the typical american icon. films with wayne as a strong leader, almost always a self starter and independent man. one who fought for what was right, and would always win. later films, like true grit the recently remade classic, showed that he understood he was aging, but that the world still needed men with grit. riding tall in the saddle, blocking the way of a larger group and speaking clearly with "bold talk for a one-eyed fat man" was the example being set.

a more modern example of the same american character is jason bourne. a man put into a situation that he does not completely understand, but that he finds he has the skills to react to. bourne represents a bit of the europeanization of the american phyche, more educated and nuanced than any character wayne played, but always capable. early in the series, bourne even shows how surprised he is at the things he can do when he is forced. americans have learned that sometimes they are forced into action, but much like the old john wayne films are still expected to succeed.

another example of this is the "die hard" character john mcclane. mcclane is an average guy, when we meet him he is picked up at the airport by a chauffeur he did not expect and driven to the holiday party of his estranged wife's company. she is an executive, he is a police sargent and they live 3,000 miles apart, this is a man whose life has taken turns he did not expect. as the film unfolds we find that "only john can drive someone that crazy". he is difficult to live with, has a big mouth and enjoys annoying people, but is also the guy you want on your side in a fight. mcclane, like bourne, takes enormous punishment through the film and keeps going. stopping is not an option; being tired and bloody, but continuing on is what makes him "that guy". he could stop, but no one else is there to do the job.

i asked an american friend about this the other day, who did he see as the amercian icon in film. he quickly said, bill murray in stripes. the movie is about a guy who loses his job, his car, his apartment and his girlfriend all in one day, so he joins the army. this is not an action film, it's a comedy about being a wise ass, having the freedom to be oneself even when you are forced to fit into a community you do not naturally belong. but even in this film, the character is forced into action and takes leadership of the unit, steals an armored RV and invades czechoslovakia to save friends who have strayed into trouble. another hero, clearly one we did not expect at the beginning.

as i look over this list, it reenforces the idea that american films teach that the community must succeed. culture says we must be ready for action (even if we did not want it), we can get the crap beat out of us, but we will win if we keep going. we expect to win because we learn to not give up at the first sign of tough times. in almost all of these films, the hero is working against those in power, or are getting less than the support expected. needing to be self sufficient is also part of that beaten up and bloodied american psyche. which brings me back to malaysian film icons.

i did some reading on p. ramlee after watching the silent movie. he lived the end of his life in singapore. towards the end he was the butt of jokes, and considered a has-been and was rejected by malaysia. after an untimely death in 1973 the malaysian community waited 9 years to rename a street for him, and another 8 after that to award an honorary title of "tan sri". he is now a caricature that silently runs in a restaurant with horrible service. i am not sure what he represents to the malaysian community and what his films say about the culture or the community as a whole.

i want to understand, but locals have not been willing or able to tell me. to be fair, i just asked one more time, trying to get an answer before assuming that the country really does not have an inner message. i turned to an available malaysian and explained my question, when asked who is the film icon for the country he quickly said "p. ramlee", when asked what the films said to malaysia, he replied:

"i don't know, i have never watched one"

most alive

being away from your home country forces you to try to stay connected with the cultural events you are inherently missing. the superbowl was this week, other than having a raving packers fan in the office, and calling my son on the drive to the office on monday, i would never have know; or honestly cared. but other events and ideas happen back in the land of the free and i feel the pull of desire to share them. this is how i get pulled into reading articles on sites like good.is

living in malaysia takes away my ability to think about the best beer in each state, but i can read an article that maps the best beers of my home country. it points out that 78 percent of the beer sold in the US is produced by busch, coors and miller brewing companies, but the fact that we have a map with 49 great breweries, spread evenly across the country, does warm my heart. it also made me happy that smutty nose, harpoon, flying dog are all on the list, but gives me ideas for reasons to try new brews the next time i am back.

while i was reading the site today i saw the community discussion, when you do feel most alive? read the aswers that people left, they were great. those leaving comments were honest and open. talking about moments in life that are personal, but which do make them feel fully alive. this is something i miss about the US, those types of conversations, and here it is in an online forum.

as i read the article, i thought about it for myself. what moments make me feel fully alive?

the first thought was of driving in malaysian thunderstorms. speeding up the roads to KL, with rain sweeping over the road, other drivers making erratic lane changes and entering curves like those on the MEX or Sprint just a bit too fast for the conditions. in those moments, retaining control as the fear of slipping off the edge of the road kicks in. i feel a rush and then the relaxation that comes when the wheels straighten out and the stress passes. it's the moment after the near loss of control that feels the best, that is the moment of success.

this happens in other situations also. work, thankfully, has plenty of chances for almost crashing. last year while we were trying to go mobile, we had black screens of death, fears of apple rejection, risks of selected tools -- i felt alive and well. it reminded me that life is too short not to do the things that you love. the day the app went live, i was swimming in a private pool in thailand and i knew success was worth the effort.

the moments of life which are the best are those where i pushed into a risky situation, took a chance that others would shy away from, felt the pressure rise, felt the rush of excitement and the eventual relaxation when the pressure has passed. the moment some call "la petite mort", a short period of melancholy or transcendence as a result of the expenditure of the life force, is what makes me smile. it gives me joy and is worth the stress that brings it.

does this make me an adrenaline junkie? i don't jump out of airplanes, rob banks or other self destructive acts. but i would love to run with the bulls, want to surf really big waves again and tend to be dumb enough to take on a challenge for the pure enjoyment of doing it. i also have lived a life with enough excitement to know that it's the thrilling moments i must continue to have. those are the events i am craving almost unconsciously as i realize the speed has picked up and the roads are wet.

the slower moments, the comfortable times, enjoying the feeling of safety, softness and warmth are great, but the short, sharp shocks of life are the times i am most alive. can you imagine living life without those? many, many people do, they keep the speed down, the lid on and the doors closed because its safe. safe is what my mother told me i would not be if i kept climbing to the top of the tree so i could get my head above the leaves. i wanted to look around, she told me i was foolish.

she was right, the next day the branch i was standing on broke and i fell towards the ground. i bounced off of limbs as i crashed towards the ground. a larger branch broke my fall before i hit dirt. i was a 8 years old and i felt how close i had come to killing myself. i was scared and realized what i had done. i scared myself enough that i never went that high in that tree again.

i still remember how good it felt to have my head above the top of the tree's leaves, that bright sunny day when i went higher than anyone else, higher than they thought i could. the bruises were worth it, because i had lived. i know i am not going to climb a tree and get my head about the top today, but it feels good to have the memory and know i did it once.

i never told my mother i had reached the top, she would have beaten me for being successful, and how could that be a good idea.

one word

i started today in a semi-strange mood. it seemed like things were just not clicking, the timing was slightly off, and i wasn't really sure why. the skys were dark and grey for the third straight day. for the second day in a row it was raining, which for KL is a very strange. the upside was that the weather allowed me to take a jacket as i left the house, something the normal tropical heat of KL elmininates as a choice.

my day typically starts with a stop for coffee. the past few months i have settled into a routine of going to the starbucks close to my apartment. i take the time to drink espresso at the bar before i head off to the rest of my day. as i walked in the door today i saw that my favorite barista was there, a malay girl in tudong who appears to harbor libertarian feminist views. knowing the conversation would be interesting, i smiled as i walked in.

she asked me how i was as i moved over to the bar, and i said, "i am happy i get to wear my raincoat", showing the jacket off as i settled in. this was when she asked the first question, "can you describe happiness"? such a simple question, one which i have been thinking about alot lately, but how can you describe a state of mind? happiness is different for everyone, it even changes as you go though life, so how do you explain happiness to others?

i had spent most of saturday watching movies. i thought "eat, pray, love" would be an uplifting film for a rainy weekend. julia roberts is usually fun, and i expected something like "under a tuscan sun", with the plumbers and the bright colors of italy. in the end, the movie felt too surface for me, as though the distance liz kept from those around her limited the viewer from connecting to the film itself.

the one moment of happiness i did see in the film was when liz ate simple a bowl of pasta in italy. it was a moment that represented her renewed hunger for life. the passion for enjoyment, and the fact that she had found it in a simple pleasure that she was enjoying alone was not lost on me. these thoughts had flashed into my mind when i heard the question, but before i could answer a second question came, "what is happiness, in one word"?

this one had me stumped, i had this great image of living in italy, learning the language, exeriencing the culture, hearing the sites and sounds of the people and having a glass of barbera d'alba and a delicious bowl of pasta dressed in tomato basil on the table in front of me. but how would i decribe that in one word?

it did get me thinking again about the elements of happiness. to be happy i would suggest someone do the following:

• spend time with the people you love
• find space to be yourself
• be successful in the things that matter to you
• live in a safe place
• eat good food
• feel your body move with vigourus exercise
• know you matter to others in the world
• accept yourself and others as they are
• forgive so you can move forward
• be as good as you can be
• safely indulge your vices
• travel the world as widely as you can
• learn something new everyday
• feel nature around you
• relax enough to focus on nothing

now that i have a list what can i do to boil this down? this is a pretty complex set of values that i am suggesting someone have to allow happiness. i also know this list does not fit everyone. this is a list that suits me, and it specifically excludes the need to be sure about anything or to have the answers to big questions. both are things i don't see as possible, and having them would not give me anything close to pleasure.

the word i got to standing in starbucks was "relaxed". in some ways i meant this as a lack of fear, guilt or anger, and in others i meant the actual ability to simply slow down and do nothing more than feel the wind and sun on your skin. a moment of quietness for the mind, soul and body, a moment that stretches into the next, without stress or pressure. a moment you can share with others or enjoy yourself. that is happiness for me.

in "eat pray love" liz learns the italian term, "dolce far niente" -- the sweetness of doing nothing. and that might sound like what i mean by the above, in fact at times that might be exactly what i mean. but happiness is not about doing nothing, it's about doing everything, at your own pace and in a way that taps into your passions and brings you joy.

i think i chose the word relaxed because of the times i was not living. i was too worried about the past and the future. that led to not lving in the moment, which was a life that was not lived. i am happy because i accept the world and who i am, i hope others accept me in return. for anyone who doesn't, well my father had a saying for that too:

"fuck em if they can't take a joke" -- that sounds harsh, but then again my father did know how to be happy.

asian parents

the US is in the middle of a conversation on parenting that started when amy chau, a yale law professor, wrote a book on asian parenting which was excerpted by the WSJ. why chinese mothers are superior is an interesting piece, that i have to admit i thought was a joke as i read through it the first time. but tiger mom, as she is now being called, was not kidding. she, based on the text of the WSJ article, is serious that parents must force their kids to achieve. she tells stories of calling her daughter "garbage" and withholding food so she practiced piano to learn a difficult piece. this is long after almost all american parents would have allowed their kids to give up and sent them to play xbox.

my experience as a child was more or less the direct opposite of tiger mom parenting. my parents were hippies with a gypsy bohemian approach that allowed their kids to find their own way. the fact that i came to believe my parents needed someone to remind them that education mattered, that small things like paying the bills and ensuring health care was in place, left me feeling that i needed to parent them more than the other way around. surviving an imposed alternative lifestyle when i was young convinced me that a conservative life was the course for me. i needed to build a safe and comfortable life for me kids, find a stable partner, teach the children right from wrong and always be there to help them make the right choices.

nagging at the back of this was the bohemian side of my personality. my parents gave me the ability to see that right and wrong as a function of situation. what malaysia sees as a reason to put someone to death is allowed in jamaica and fully legal in amsterdam (and a growing number of states following california). parenting in the 21st century with children who are allowed to travel the world comes with advice suggesting "when in rome, do as the romans". i wonder how asian parents feel about this advice, but then again i want my kids to be capable more than conformist.

i had a debate with an asian yesterday about potty training. i had personally "missed the chance" because i was distracted during the morning and knew i was going to need to wait until 10pm for it to present itself again. i was told i should just go sit and wait. that was the way asian parents taught their children, they sit them down and tell them they can not move until they accomplish the task. i tried to push back and explain that it was not really a choice for me, i knew i had missed the window of opportunity and just needed to let things happen as they will.

the two of us stood there looking at each other, not really sure where to go next. we were at a cultural bypass. i clearly did not understand the need to teach children the self control to force things to happen on a schedule, my asian doubter did not understand the idea that things happen in their own time.

i tried to tell the story of teaching my son he controlled his own destiny. the deal was that when he was ready to use the toilet he would not need to wear diapers and would move from the crib to a "big boy" bed. one day he asked for the big boy bed, and was reminded of the deal, he resisted and we held firm. a few days later he called us into the bathroom, took his seat and finished with a loud round of applause. grandparents were called to share the big news, and the big boy bed came out of storage and was ready for bed time. it was not our decision for him to be ready, it was his and he alone took the praise for the success.

my parents telling me that what was important was for me to "be happy", allowed me find a course of life that was very different than theirs. it also allowed me to change course over the years and come to understand that i am much more bohemian that i ever expected, even if i am a bourgeois bohemian which is very different than they are. it's also not what i had in mind as i picked the conservative future, a future that flamed out and sent me on this road.

the potty conversation yesterday made me realize that the fundamental difference of the world view was this, asian parents want their children to learn to conform to the parents rules, take their advice on timing and control the timing and methods of their most personal choices. this is in direct contrast to the scary and permissive attitudes that tiger mom is warning the US about, she is reminding us that our children are children and must be controlled; long after most of us would have given them freedom of adulthood.

western parents are permissive when it comes to allowing self direction and choice. but, at least in our house, it comes with limits also. choices have consequences and everyone must own up to their decisions. they must accept that they were free and must live with the results they have imposed on themselves. maybe our parenting could be boiled down to the simplest of directions:

"it's your life, but if you want to shit your pants, don't ask us to clean it up"