the US is in the middle of a conversation on parenting that started when amy chau, a yale law professor, wrote a book on asian parenting which was excerpted by the WSJ. why chinese mothers are superior is an interesting piece, that i have to admit i thought was a joke as i read through it the first time. but tiger mom, as she is now being called, was not kidding. she, based on the text of the WSJ article, is serious that parents must force their kids to achieve. she tells stories of calling her daughter "garbage" and withholding food so she practiced piano to learn a difficult piece. this is long after almost all american parents would have allowed their kids to give up and sent them to play xbox.
my experience as a child was more or less the direct opposite of tiger mom parenting. my parents were hippies with a gypsy bohemian approach that allowed their kids to find their own way. the fact that i came to believe my parents needed someone to remind them that education mattered, that small things like paying the bills and ensuring health care was in place, left me feeling that i needed to parent them more than the other way around. surviving an imposed alternative lifestyle when i was young convinced me that a conservative life was the course for me. i needed to build a safe and comfortable life for me kids, find a stable partner, teach the children right from wrong and always be there to help them make the right choices.
nagging at the back of this was the bohemian side of my personality. my parents gave me the ability to see that right and wrong as a function of situation. what malaysia sees as a reason to put someone to death is allowed in jamaica and fully legal in amsterdam (and a growing number of states following california). parenting in the 21st century with children who are allowed to travel the world comes with advice suggesting "when in rome, do as the romans". i wonder how asian parents feel about this advice, but then again i want my kids to be capable more than conformist.
i had a debate with an asian yesterday about potty training. i had personally "missed the chance" because i was distracted during the morning and knew i was going to need to wait until 10pm for it to present itself again. i was told i should just go sit and wait. that was the way asian parents taught their children, they sit them down and tell them they can not move until they accomplish the task. i tried to push back and explain that it was not really a choice for me, i knew i had missed the window of opportunity and just needed to let things happen as they will.
the two of us stood there looking at each other, not really sure where to go next. we were at a cultural bypass. i clearly did not understand the need to teach children the self control to force things to happen on a schedule, my asian doubter did not understand the idea that things happen in their own time.
i tried to tell the story of teaching my son he controlled his own destiny. the deal was that when he was ready to use the toilet he would not need to wear diapers and would move from the crib to a "big boy" bed. one day he asked for the big boy bed, and was reminded of the deal, he resisted and we held firm. a few days later he called us into the bathroom, took his seat and finished with a loud round of applause. grandparents were called to share the big news, and the big boy bed came out of storage and was ready for bed time. it was not our decision for him to be ready, it was his and he alone took the praise for the success.
my parents telling me that what was important was for me to "be happy", allowed me find a course of life that was very different than theirs. it also allowed me to change course over the years and come to understand that i am much more bohemian that i ever expected, even if i am a bourgeois bohemian which is very different than they are. it's also not what i had in mind as i picked the conservative future, a future that flamed out and sent me on this road.
the potty conversation yesterday made me realize that the fundamental difference of the world view was this, asian parents want their children to learn to conform to the parents rules, take their advice on timing and control the timing and methods of their most personal choices. this is in direct contrast to the scary and permissive attitudes that tiger mom is warning the US about, she is reminding us that our children are children and must be controlled; long after most of us would have given them freedom of adulthood.
western parents are permissive when it comes to allowing self direction and choice. but, at least in our house, it comes with limits also. choices have consequences and everyone must own up to their decisions. they must accept that they were free and must live with the results they have imposed on themselves. maybe our parenting could be boiled down to the simplest of directions:
"it's your life, but if you want to shit your pants, don't ask us to clean it up"
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Having experiences being a home tuition teacher before being involved in IT industry does teach me to be someone patient and about parenting indirectly. I am neither a mother nor a married woman but I had taught two problematic students whose parents were super busy people.
ReplyDeleteThe main issue about Asian parents they put too high expectations on their children without even knows on how to assist or guide them to achieve it. The worst part is they do not even know the children’s ability and do not allow them to make a decision. By looking into depth of these two factors, I started to understand why my students were hardly to concentrate during the night tuition class. I got to know the parents first then only the students.
I made a research on child psychology also and changed the teaching methods so it was more interesting and fun for them plus not forcing them to finish the course works at the early stage. From day to day they made some improvement and I appreciated the efforts by not only giving them a motivation to keep up the good works but a reward which was they could have a longer break between the class sessions and enjoyed some refreshments :-) FYI, they came to my class without having a dinner.
Both of them are studying for a degree in electrical engineering now. I remember their parents ever thanked me for making a good improvement to their sons and then I said “it isn’t me made the changes but it’s their choice to make it.”
If I would have a chance to a mother, my way of teaching them is pretty simples. Two of the principles; educate them with love and trust so that can be someone responsible and let them make a decision by putting less restrictions but there is always a limit. These are what my parents taught me as well. Children were like a piece of a white cloth that needs to be painted beautifully and priceless. If we become good parents, they would definitely appreciate us of who we are :-)