feast or fasting

i have spent the last month trying something i have never done before. i have friends and staff who are fasting for ramadan, so i thought i would do it also. i thought of it as a sense of camaraderie, but also just trying something i have never done before. this was not a religious thing; god knows i don’t do many things for the religious reasons. if i had done if for religious reasons i was very bad at following the muslim rules on fasting. i took a modified approach to the task one built on the basics of christian fasting i learned as a child but never practiced. even so, i have been better at it than i expected myself to be.

the muslims are getting up at 5 AM or not eating before dinner time. neither of these are an option of me, waking up that early, when i go to bed between 1 and 2 AM is just not going to happen. i made sure i got up as early as i could, but still ate breakfast at my standard bakery stop.

the alteration i made was to try to eat half of what i wanted to for breakfast. at first i also dropped the coffee intake, but stress and less than enough sleep stepped on that plan pretty early into ramadan. from there it was just no food or drink for the day, not until sundown or about 7:15 at night. here is where i also separated, the muslims tied this to the time prays began at night, which is a bit earlier every night this time of year. i simply set it to 7:15 and left it there. to compensate for my breakfast time, i thought about making it later but i went with the standard time.

not eating during most days was less difficult than i expected. the idea of not drinking all day was the most stressful for me before i started, but in the end that wasn’t too bad either. i had planned on drinking water, as we allowed to do in christian fasting, but found it was not needed. when i was thirsty, i just waited and the desire normally went away. this is counter to the normal approach where i feel the thirst and either get a drink or plan to get a drink, either way the commitment to the action is normally enough to make sure it happens.

i did break fast three days along the way, once for the lunch with a visiting colleague, and twice just because i was hungry and simply felt like breaking. again, its good to be doing this just for me, without god waiting in the wings to get pissed and to send a bolt of lightening down to punish me for my “teh-o ais lemau”. its also a lot easier that no one expects me to be puasar, no dirty looks when i eat or drink. mat salleh’s are not expected to follow the rules.

people had warned me about putting weight on during fasting; i honestly could not think of a more upsetting outcome. i countered this by controlling the meals, nearly eliminating sweets and eating as little carbs as possible during the night time meal. this has worked out. i have not lost a ton of weight, but i have lost. i did watch the people around me who were also fasting, i went to “buka puasar” meals and was shocked at the amount of food offered. no wonder people put weight on.

this is when i realized, this fasting month is really also a feasting month; it’s just a delayed feast. people deny themselves all day, to allow themselves to feast at night. this ends with the coming hari raya feast, which is the end of ramadan and the largest and final feasting event. every one else is building to this, i on the other hand are worried the fasting will stop for me. i am planning on going to vietnam for hari raya, this will mean i will not see the true feasting really begin. i guess i will simply have a slow long weekend of vietnamese noodles, vegetarian food and bao hai (fresh beer -- i know again not very muslim).

i have liked two things about the fasting, each have helped to improve the way i fell about life in general. the first is the self denial that the fasting brought. normally, there are few times where i actively practice self denial. i tend to eat and drink what i want, when i want. i do think at times, “oh this is a bit much”, but i rationalize it away and decide there is always tomorrow to make up for it. no rationalizing was needed this month, i had said i was doing something so i did it, and the balance was just about right.

the second thing i enjoyed was that my life took on a new structure. it was easy to schedule times to eat with the people i wanted to and to know when i needed to leave the office to ensure i was home in time to break fast. life took on some balance, because there was a new need to fill, i had to buka, i could not just go have a pop-tart and sit back down to email. i found that “having to have” a life actually helps you to have a life. this was a nice rationalization for a work centered person, more so when work has been so crazy lately.

overall the fasting has been positive, the structure and the denial have helped me. they have made me feel better and be more balanced. i hope that when the month is over, i do not just slip back into my previous life. the major realization for me is self denial is good, if it provides you with the structure to overcome your lack of control on things that you really should be in control of.

there is just no way having 60% of the population getting up at 5 AM is a good thing for a nation though.

maverick

the summer of 1986 was a tough time for me. i had just suffered the worst accident of my life, i had been crushed by a tractor, both legs were pinned and one was in a cast for the next year. the life i had wanted from the time i was nine, to be a pilot in the US marine corps had been washed away by a tragic slip of a clutch. at the time, i was still in denial, i wanted to believe i could recover from this and go right back to the life i had planned. i had chosen to go with gravity, meaning no pins were surgically inserted into my leg to hold the bones together, a decision made within hours of the break when the doctor told me pins would mean i would never be able to join the military.

in retrospect this decision was just dumb. someone else in my college had more or less the same break a week after me while playing baseball. he returned to school at the end of the summer running and playing sports. it was 8 more months before i was out of the cast and two years before i could really compete in sports again. i should have gone the easy route, but it would have meant accepting my defeat and i was not ready for that.

i have been spending time thinking about that summer, which was also the summer that top gun came out, tom cruise played the tormented pilot with a checkered history of stupid decisions and issues with authority. i saw the film which i really enjoyed, went out to get in my fathers car that a friend was driving (driving is really hard when your right leg is in a cast up to your hip), and it hit me that my life would never be as the pilot i wanted to be. i would never have the chance to launch of a carrier and save a friend. i broke into tears and smashed my hand through the dashboard, leaving a clearly identifiable fist mark which my father never asked me about.

as i remember the movie the first quotes that come to mind are, maverick saying, “i feel the need, the need for speed” or goose asking maverick if he still had the number for the truck driving school, “so we can drive the big rigs, yeah i might need that.” the one that really stands out is carol (meg ryan) asking goose to “take me to bed, or lose me forever”, what guy could forget meg ryan or kelly mcgillis saying that.

i was recently accused of not being able to engage. someone else told me i was a coward for not being willing to fight for the things that i want. as i think about this, i remember the hesitancy i felt in many aspects of my life after the accident, and i think back to this movie also. maverick watches his best friend smash his head against the canopy and later swims over and finds him dead. afterwards people expect him to just move on, to keep fighting. at one point someone tries to push him into taking a shot, and he yells, “i will shoot when i am god damn good and ready”, immediately after this exchange maverick quits and walks away.

this is what i have been thinking about. when is it time to get back in there and fight? when is it time to stop thinking about the friend you found floating dead and broken; a friend you felt as though you should have protected? when do you remember that you really are capable of engaging, being better, faster and stronger and winning any battle you decide to fight?

one of my favorite scenes in the movie is when the top gun squadron commander, someone who almost stole the film for me comes to maverick and tells him goose is gone. maverick is shaving, the metaphor of attempting to cleanse the guilt and pain away is clear. the dark and steamy bathroom scene unfolds with:

viper: how ya doin'?
maverick: i'm all right.
viper: goose is dead.
maverick: i know.
viper: you fly jets long enough, something like this happens.
maverick: he was my r.i.o., my responsibility.
viper: my squadron we lost 8 of 18 aircraft. 10 men. first one dies you die too, but there will be others. you can count on that. you gotta let him go. you gotta let him go.

in the end maverick does let goose go, he throws his dog tags he has been holding onto into the ocean and buries him within the waves they used to cruise together. this is only after he has fought a real battle, one that he froze in the middle of and some how found the strength to push through the fear and find the ability to “do some of that pilot shit”.

maverick was a role model for me once, or was more of a reflection of something i thought i wanted to be. he is now a reflection of me in another way. i don’t look much like maverick any more (yes people did tell me this when i was younger), i am more like the bald cag who sends maverick and goose to top gun in the first place, but i do still think of maverick at times. maybe it’s the times where i see myself about to do something reckless and i hear the following exchange in my head:

goose: no. no, mav, this is not a good idea.
maverick: sorry goose, but it's time to buzz a tower.

eastern comfort

coming to asia comes with many challenges, many new experiences. some are obvious, learning new social customs, experiencing new foods, taking on new languages. all of this is obvious and expected from a westerner who is coming to asia for the first time. our friends and family ask us if we are prepared, we say “sure, no problem”; but secretly we wonder ourselves. as I said, this is expected, but there are less expected issues you confront as an expat in asia, some that are hard to anticipate or to ask about in polite social situations.

the first time i was confronted with the most urgent of these issues was in singapore’s changi airport, it was my first trip to asia, i was waiting for my connecting flight and realized i had to find a bathroom in a hurry. i searched for a few minutes and finally found a small bathroom near the restaurants on the first floor (at the time thought of as the second floor based on my american training), i walked in behind another traveler who took the second of two stalls, i pushed the door on the first stall, as i read a sign on the door, i was perplexed by the warning to take care of the trench. as I pondered what that meant, but was happy to find the door open given my urgent need, i looked up and found myself face to face with my first eastern toilet.

i remember myself, standing in shocked confusion for a moment as i pondered the situation. the room was very clean and i was sure i was capable of using the device; i have been camping or in need of relief while outdoors my entire life. this was different; the thought of using indoor facilities while in a squatting position was, well let’s say it came with a level of stress. realizing i had promised to live here in asia for the next few years, i decided that “while in asia, i must do as the asians do”.

my next experience with the eastern toilet came with a trip to mid valley, the major shopping center of KL. i again was in urgent need, as i came into the bathroom, i realized the only option was the eastern style, i said to myself, “i am a pro at this, sure there is the question of balance, but i have done this before no issue”. i move ahead with confidence, and as i was about to complete the process i realized with horror that there is no tissue dispenser inside the stall. i of course have seen the hose which is present in all bathrooms, but not having childhood experience, i have simply ignored that assuming it was there to help the maintence staff, not the patrons. i now realized, it must be there for my use. but how, how can this be used without leaving wet and uncomfortable?

the solution to this was to use the hose, pack up, go outside and find the large tissue dispenser on the wall, not near the door, but on the far side of the wall near the sinks and finally to return to the stall to as we shall say, finish the process. Nnote to self, look before you begin to use and better yet carry tissue with you at all times; an addition i have made to my messenger bag.

future trips to bathrooms around the country have lead to an understanding that water is used in the process. most times, especially in the western style rooms, too much water is used. I brought my son to the bathroom in an indian restaurant, he took one look at the water which had soaked not only the floor and toilet but the walls 6 feet high, and he openly refused to use the bathroom. it did not matter how badly he needed to go, this was not an option for him. he required the clean environment he expected with the uniform dryness in western bathrooms.

situations have followed which have made me happy to have a place to go without needing to touch the surroundings. i have needed the hose that is ever present. i have come to desire the eastern style for its lack of contact, for its simplicity and directness. i am still completely uncomfortable with the idea of water only, and shy away from the hose in general, but I do understand the desire to use the local style.

i am still confused, or should i say perplexed by the entire process. how is one to balance, ensure no piece of garment comes in contact with the wet floor, that the shirt does not touch anything in back and that any wrong choice in position does not result in a missed deposit? i do wish at times that i was wearing a sarong rather than shorts or pants, it seems the more sensible choice given the position.

embracing this part of a culture is the sign of real acceptance; or of need. i have wondered how the locals would feel going to the west and not having the water enabled bathrooms. what would they do when using a guest bathroom in someone’s house in the west? how would a westerner feel if their malaysian guest were to help them by rinsing their toilet seat for the next guest? what would that next guest think when they went in to do their thing and found a soaked seat and floor?

coming to asia and feeling comfortable takes more than learning a bit of language and trying some new foods. to do it successfully it takes one to find comfort in the areas of their life that is private as well. it takes acceptance of small things which can be very alien. it takes finding a new way to balance yourself when you are trying to do the most natural things in new and different ways.

missing the US

i was in the US a few weeks ago, it was a very short stay and i didn’t get to do many of the things i normally do during trips home. i usually take the time to do common things, things which in a sense recharge the batteries and remind me what it really feels to be an american. living as an expat can be tiring at times, you are always bumping into situations which make you realize your world view is not in synch with the society around you.

social issues like whether or not you hug, or even touch, a member of the opposite sex before you get married is one thing. but the small issues, the little things, the minor food items are the things that someone away from home really misses. one of my friends here just moved to california, he is begging me to send him sambal, he likes the weather, the people and most food, but he needs more spice than america usually offers on it's table.

i started to make a list in my head the other day of the things i missed. the first that came to mind was simply being anonymous. in the US or europe, no one notices me, i can move about my life and no one really looks at me or things twice as i move by them. that is not the case here. i stand out in the crowd, i am big, bald and loud. i say hello and thank you to people, even those that most others simply ignore or take for granted. i wear pastel colors and i make a lot of eye contact. in the US i am one of the crowd, here i feel like i am an exhibit. i have gone into a restaurant and been served by a random waitress , as i finished ordering she said thank you mr. ...”. i was sure i had never seen this person before. i asked if we had met, and she said no, but she used to work close to where i work, she had seen me and heard my name. this would never happen to me in the US, i am just not that memorable.

beyond things like that, i miss eating and drinking without considering the feelings of people around me. i know its normally acceptable here to eat or drink what you like, but its also common to take things into consideration. in the US i have friends who are muslim, hindu and kosher jewish, or simply vegetarian for no religious reason. what either one of us eats when we are together never becomes an issue. we simply bring or order what we want and we eat, one person’s restrictions are not important to the other. for me, liberty is not needing to consider if the someone else is offended by your lunch choice.

as long as we are talking about food, i miss finding all kinds of food all over the place. malaysia does have international food in KL (or specifically in the expat areas of KL), but try to find a taco place outside of these areas (or inside, if you know of one please let me know). if you go 30 minutes outside of KL, i challenge you to find a place that serves anything but malay, mamak/indian or chinese food. even when you do find a place serving non-local food, it is never close to the original. example last weekend when we were working and sent someone out to lebanese place for chicken kebabs, he came back with chicken, tomato, lettuce and a chili sauce on a mexican tortilla. i promise you, that is nothing like the delicious kebabs on lebanese breads the little old lady from beirut used to make me in the shop i went to in the US. you can’t say you are a food nation, when all you eat is foods from your dominate ethnic groups, and even those have been localized in a negative way. chicken pepperoni; do you really think that is a good idea?

malaysia’s only embraced foreign food appears to be englis breakfast, a sign to me that you really don’t like anything foreign. a normal breakfast table in the US can have people around it with omelets (french), crepes (dutch), french toast (belgian, called pain perdu), huervos rancheros (mexican) and many drinks based on espresso (italian). we don’t have roti pisang on the table yet, but i promise you, i am going to bring it to the US, and i plan on making it big. i think the thing i miss here is not really the food though, its the openess. we take things and while keeping the wonderful essence of what they are, we incorporate it into our culture and onto our tables. i mean, did the potato chip really need fish flavoring added to it?

the list does go on, as i think of one thing the next comes to mind maybe bullets will help for a few:

• cnn and other openly combative news shows
  
• google listings of every business in the country
  
• internet based driving directions
  
• free parking lots so you don’t get parked in when someone double parks on the road
  
• traffic police that stop the double or triple parking in the first place
  
• musicians and other artists on the street
  
• a real arts scene with large numbers of venues, its sad that http://www.kakiseni.com.my/ is all malaysia can offer.
  
• free speech and independent news papers
  
• habeas corpus
  
• separation of church and state and multiple parties
  

i also miss about the US is that everyone is welcome all the time. sure we have closed minded racists in the US, but most people really don’t care where you are from or what your religion is, all they want to know is that you wont steal from them, that you want to educate your kids and make a better life for them. if this is who you are than who cares where your parents or grandparents came from or what your skin looks like. you do need to learn english though.

the thing about having one language that everyone is expected to speak all the time is that people do not have side conversations that others can't understand. do you relize its rude to speak in a language that those around you don't know? i am not going to point fingers, but you know you do it and its rude.

i miss not meeting people who think that anything is possible. i miss the can do spirit that helped america go from a tiny colony of religious refugees, dying in a camp a few miles from the island i grew up on, to become the only super-power in the world. our children are taught they can go higher and faster than anyone as ever gone if they try. they are also taught to ask questions when they don’t understand, to not just trust authority figures but to think and decide for themselves; and to fight for what is right, even if an authority figure tells them to simply accept.

i miss walking up to a group, and as their manager telling them to do something, and having one of team leads who works for me simply say, “are you on crack?” without getting mad, i asked if he had a better idea, he did, and we went with his suggestion. that’s what i miss the most, people willing to ask me if i am on drugs when i try to do something dumb. malaysia needs more of that, or it will always be a colony, just one without a colonial master.