running down

i realized something about myself this week.  i was trying to explain why i liked running so much.  i was in my office and had just gone 25 minutes, hard running after taking months off.  i was tired from the effort of pushing myself, i was dripping with sweat and i was content with the post-exercise euphoria i feel after beating on myself.  i tried to explain that people do the things that make them feel good, but as i was saying it i knew that wasn't really true for everyone.  running, cycling, swimming all give me the chance to push myself, and the harder it is to push myself the more i enjoy it.  the person i was talking to clearly didn't understand that need, and that's how i realized that what is good for me is not good for everyone.

i have a running machine in my office.  i bought it about a year ago because i wasn't finding the time to run.  when i first got to malaysia i would run during the late afternoon and on weekends.  as time as passed, late afternoons seem to be consumed with other things and on weekends i just want to have a pancake or be in a cafe with internet connection.  the heat and thunderstorms here have also limited my running.  it seemed like there was always something in the way; i had begun to wonder if it was just an excuse for not doing the right thing.  so i took bonus money and paid twice what i should have for the ability to run inside my office.  right after making the purchase, i took busy to a all new level and found more excuses for not running.

some people are very good at living so they never need to recover.  i am amazed by the people who never seem to gain weight.  they keep a rational and long-term view of life and make choices to ensure they never need to fix a problem they have created.  i on the other hand have a tendency to concentrate on the most pressing few items, and ignore the issues that can be dealt with later.  i also have the ability to indulge indulgence.  as i type i am enjoying a strangely formed carrot cake.  baking is an uncommon act in asia.  most houses do not have proper ovens, most kids do not grow up watching grandma make a cake for family events.  my carrot cake is more of a cooked pudding base, somewhere between cookie dough and steamed dumplings served as dim sum.  the fact that it tastes like carrot, has nuts and is topped with sour cream frosting makes it all the more odd.  the second fact, that i don't really like even good carrot cake is the an insight into the fact that i am eating it anyway.

as my weight has drifted upwards over the past few years i have worried about it enough to first buy an exercise bike for my apartment, then a treadmill for my office.  both have been used, but work has come first.  the weight has stablized, which was probably what i was after.  getting any heavyer would take away my ability to rationalize the belief that i am still athletic, losing the weight has never been the primary goal in my life.  work has comes first, relaxing in a cafe, writing or re-watching comfort DVDs has come before going out for that run that i know i should want.  i thought i simply didn't want it enough.  doing the right thing could wait for tomorrow; today it was okay to relax and enjoy being on or off.

but a few things have changed.  i went for a run in the rain a few weeks ago and realized how much i enjoyed it.  i liked the feeling of pushing myself, i liked covering the ground and feeling tired at the end.  i decided i wanted this more than i wanted to write, sleep or veg out in front of the TV.  i felt a new phase beginning, the desire has returned.  i also have an old friend who has challenged me to try something new.  this has given me a goal with needs to be met.  being publically judged brings this into focus as we motivate each other to win.

this is not the first time i have done this.  as i explained my love of pushing myself, i realized that i am just not good in maintenance mode.  i love to build, not to maintain the status quo.  personally this can come across as neglect; if not neglicance.  i am willing to have that peice of cake and ignore the need to burn it back off.  one peice is followed by another, until the task looks too big to fix.  but this is when the job looks interesting to me.  burning off one peice of cake is easy.  burning off a years worth is much harder, and for me a better and more interesting challenge.

when working i can go hard for long periods of time.  i can work while i am sick, i can push while i am tired.  i can crank out a project and do it faster than anyone expects; i can also do the same thing with myself.  i can push to fix something much better than i can work to not let it get broken in the first place.  some of my best memories are of beating myself into shape.  i proudly remember losing 15 lbs in five days.  i was playing football, and had not prepared for the coming double sessions.  the week of intensity that prepared the team mentally and physically.  i came out of that week almost 10% less than i went in, and i loved the experience.  i also remember almost blacking out from effort and being unable to walk without pain, but i kept going.

a few years ago i spent a spring and summer experiencing loss.  it started at the top and worked its way deep into every part of me.  people worried at the cause, and were afraid to ask.  i told myself that i was working to avoid future loss, but i was really just tired of being tired.  i needed to be able to move again, i had built up too much inertia and needed to break free.  the opportunity cost of being static outweighed my ability to grow.  the pendulum had swung, and the feeling of racing to the bottom of the arch was almost as good as that of pushing the last few strokes to come to the top.  the prize was not what i expected, in the end moving again only reminded me how much i enjoyed the act of movement.

things have changed again, i feel it.  i ran every day last week; something i haven't done for over a year.  my boss called friday night after 6:30 PM, i answered my phone on the third right, out of breath.  he asked if i was exercising, i said yes and realized i had a smile on my face.  when he asked if i was still in the office, i said yes again and smiled even wider.  it feels good to be back in rebuiling mode.  running myself down means something different this year than last.  i am sleeping well, i am exercising and i have a goal.  

i remember my last losing summer, but it's behind me.  it's time to spring back into shape by running myself down again.  this is what i have been waiting for all along, a challenge that was worth pushing myself hard enough to feel the pain.