black buried

the very first thing i do every day is reach for my hand-phone. i am one of the uber-connected who have emails coming in almost around the clock, before my eyes are fully open i am looking for crisis emails that will start my day. my phone is my connection to the world, i do email while driving, i do google searches for words or answers to questions in the middle of a conversation. i love my phone, it is more than just a way for someone to call me while i am away from home or office, it has become my technological connection to the virtual (and largely non-virtual world). i lost a messenger bag full my favorite possessions, and my first thought was oh thank god i have my blackberry on my belt.


the model i have is the bold, it is easily the best computer i have ever carried. i remember thinking the first time i bought and used a PDA that someday, someone would get the form and functionality right. blackberry has years later finally done it. this "phone" lets me have push-driven corporate mail, personal mail, the ability to upload photos to facebook while i run across a beach, ability to google and wikipedia information on the fly and to beam images of helicopters to pre-teens half a world away while trying to motivate him to clean a playroom.


this "phone" also does the best job of keeping me warned about upcoming meetings, on going discussions and emerging emergencies of any appliance i have ever tried to use. the ADD i carry is both managed and stroked by this little black box. it invites me to surf for an answer when the question comes to mind, it vibes on my belt to whisper the need to communicate with people far away who work while i eat dinner and it captures memories digitally to be printed, pasted or posted as later reminders of art seen and not to be forgotten.


the downside is that this little device is the "crack-berry" that is is accused to be. you are never disconnected while you carry this task master of attention. you find yourself picking it up the way an alcoholic reaches for a drink. it has become my information drink of choice, i reach without thought, i sip the information in and savor its flavor. those around me either ignore my habit or say they accept it, but at times i realize i am the addict that my daughter has warned me for years i could become. i have a source of constant adrenaline rush, a way to never be disconnected from the game.


living without my laptop for weeks have made this addiction all the more pronounced. i have learned to survive on the limited form-factor of the bold. the ultra-portable i bought in AMS to allow me to move around without the shoulder pain of the big work laptop is now too big. the lack of messenger bag to carry my daily life has meant i am now working out of nothing more than a belt holster. no extra storage, nothing to swing over my shoulder. connected without the weight of a full life, i have found a way to live with the essentials. but are the essentials enough?


here are the downsides:

1. i am not doing personal email, the two fingered typing to limited for my communication style, i am falling behind in personal connections.
2. i am not writing for my blog. again, just too hard to type and edit a post from a 2.5 inch screen, so my ideas remain stuck in my head.
3. i am finding the world up close blurred for the first time. i wear glasses to see into the distance, for the first time things close to me are now cloudy and i find myself pushing them away so i can get a better view.
4. my new custom messenger bag is in asia and should be delivered tomorrow, meaning i now need to carry more of my life with me to show off the personalized image.

added together i know i need to stop allowing my addiction to my push device to continue. it will be no more than an arms length away, but just as i am typing this on a full keyboard and i feel the words flowing though my nine finger typing style, i appreciate the improvement of nine over two. it will take some time to get back to comfort of needing to carry the extra weight, but it does bring benefits. accepting the benefits of doing things the right way is the first step in stopping an addiction. the addiction feels good, but... sometimes its just time to admit that "just enough" is not enough.

in the end, i need to accept that less is not more, even when it just feels so right.