stress and release

here i am at 4 AM, writing for my blog while i watch a build [releasing software to the web], that i have been working on since 8 AM this morning, struggle to come to completion. today was a day of stress, a series of emails, phone calls, IM conversations and SMS exchanges which pushed the limits of stress; even for me. over the years i have gotten good at continuing to function under pressure that pushes others over their limit, its part of the job description. but i have noticed that i can only do this based on coping strategies and certain of my strategies have come into clarity for me recently.

first, when under stress i get very short with my communication skills. i am direct and to the point. when rushed i respond by going quickly. this is can be taken as arrogance or bullying, this is really not the way i want to be perceived. i feel bad about it when it happens. well no, when it happens i am fine because i am trying to get something done, its later that i am upset i could have upset others.

second, i react to stress with food cravings. the stress diet is not one of fruits and veggies, but sugar and caffeine. when under pressure i feel an urge, one that is hard to resist. i explained it today like a soft whisper that simply repeats in my head, over and over, “pop-tarts, pop-tarts, pop-tarts”. normally i am weak; sooner or later i cave in and reach for my little sugary friends and then for another. today i didn’t, i held firm and never took the sugar or caffeine fix that i deeply wanted.

next, i make random connections in my head and then ask others if they make any sense to them. i argued today that public safety announcements for seatbelts and helmets were counter to the public good. convincing people who cant figure out that safety devices are the smart thing for them and for their families is just stopping darwinism from succeeding via the inherent intelligence test. i am actually all for safety devices, but at the time, it seemed like an interesting argument and i needed the distraction, so i went with it. when i am under stress, when the pressure is mounting, expect me to just say random things and don’t convince yourself that i mean what i am asking. just that it was a thought that bounced into my head, and rather than think about the problem at hand, i thought it was interesting to think about this idea for a moment.

the last coping technique is that i tend to sing, dance, tap my fingers, and raise my voice just for the pure and utter fun of it. the asian kids in the office have gotten used to this i think. i am pretty sure they use this to read my mood. some people get gloomy, i tend to get jittery… hmmm, maybe that is related to the sugar and caffeine i had already ingested, and the fact that my mind is spinning with work and random thoughts which i am riffing at fast pace, but then again maybe its just another sign of pressure for me.

other than my response to the stress itself, i have noticed that post stress euphoria hits me pretty hard. when the pressure lifts because we have finally succeeded, i tend to go from intensely direct to wildly indirect and funny. i go into my full “stand up” mode where any need to limit the riffing associated with the random thoughts bouncing in my head is lost. i had a group of people laughing at this behavior today. they might be used to me in stressed mode, but in post stress i am just more than they expect from a boss.

i had my own boss a few years ago, who would start the week by saying, this is the week that you’re going to snap. i continued to say, “not now, not ever”. in the end i think he decided to send me half way around the world to see if that would do it. it hasn’t and in some ways it has made stress easier to deal with. i am sitting up watching colleagues finish things that have consumed the last 20 hours of my life, but they expect me to be asleep. its only when they realize that i am half way around the world and still up at 4 AM that someone might ask me to go to sleep and start working again in a few hours.