i charlotte

i have had a realization. i have been thinking about the characters on shows i like and who i most deeply identify with. this is game i have played in the past, as you watch or as you are talking to others about a show, a character or a scene you can start to shadows of the virtual acquaintances (dare i say friends) within yourself or the person you are talking to.

i have shows i enjoy. with my schedule and my tendency to nest when i have down time, i like to frequent my local dvd shop and purchase series, which i can then watch straight thru. the most recent purchases have been “my name is earl”, “dexter”, “black donnellys” and “entourage” (season 4). they are shows about a loser recovering his life by recognizing karma, a serial-killer who kills with a conscience, a group of irish-american gangsters (who are surprisingly like my friends when i was growing up) and a movie star and his friends living “in the business” of hollywood.

in each of these shows, and others, there are characters or situations i can identify with. earl, who lives his life with a new code of ethics built on a comment made by late night talk show host, is an example. as long as he does good things, good things happen. more or less the same situation as my belief that if i am stay calm and relaxed i will have good things happen; but that frustration will bring me bad instead. i can also see myself in ari, the super-agent who focuses on work, many times at the expense of the rest of his life.

one show that stands out though is “sex in the city”. sitc is one of those shows that will come back to you over and over as you live. the structure of the show is built to show you the sides of yourself which we all have within us. the men and women of the show are presented to highlight the different thoughts or reactions we each have; the round-table discussions and carrie’s reflective writing is a vehicle to allow the show’s writers to explore the differences between the characters. the show is kept non-judgmental to allow the audience to see lifestyles are open to differences of opinion as to what is “proper”. the differences show us that we can be multi-faceted ourselves without guilt or confusion.

i have always seen myself in that show as a mix of the male characters. at work and at times in my personal life i am big. the fact that he loves carrie, but is still able to lead a life away from her without remorse resonates. he also seems to be there when carrie needs him most, whether it’s a ride or a shoulder to cry on, big finds a way to be there. but i am also a bit like aden, the creative and sensitive furniture maker who proposed from his knee and only wanted to make carrie happy.

the realization is that i can look to the women also and find parts of myself. i may just as likely to be one of the women in the show. as a lesbian in a man’s body, i can identify with the women. samantha is the most male of the women but she is too over the top for me, she does not need a relationship, she just wants a night. carrie is able to see others well and writes, but is too indecisive, she says she wants it all, but she seems to stay alone and looking to the end (did she and big really work, i doubt it but lets see when the movie comes out). miranda is the one i normally identify with, smart and driven, capable and never needing someone to complete her. she is a person who knows herself, but she is also too hard on others to let them in (poor steve, falling in love with a lesbian).

leaving us with charlotte, who in the show is the most shy of the women. she spells s.e.x, rather than saying it out loud. she is shocked by many of the exploits of her friends, but she is never judgmental. she is also the one that most badly wants a family. she tries so hard, and can not seem to find the way to make this happen. i am not like charlotte early in the show; i am more like the person she is transforming into as the show comes to an end. she has become more jaded and practical, but she never becomes the harsher side which her friends represent. she ends up with her lawyer, who she doesn’t really like at first, just taking him for s.e.x. and falls in love with him. she also accepts him, even when he takes her at his word and “gets comfortable” in there home. okay, i look and act a lot like the lawyer. i am also known for “getting comfortable”, but i think i am more like charlotte herself.

she needs the relationship to be happy, she never loses her sense of hope and belief in good things, and in the end she finds happiness in a place she did not think she would ever find it. i think i share these things with the little debutant. now, all i need is a flaming little pr/stylist who will take me shopping for a wedding dress and always tell me its time to move on and not look back. someone to scream at those around me and protect me from myself when i lose confidence or when i am not willing to take a risk.

charlotte just wanted to find someone nice, someone to make a life with, to have it all and to enjoy the world as she did it. this is what i identify most with, no matter what happened in her life she knew she did need someone, that their feelings mattered and that at some point she needed to make a decision and trust the future. the goodness in charlotte is the part of i love the most.

i hope i am charlotte, my other choice is dr. gregory “house”. i would rather be hopeful and happy than scarcastic and self medicating. I would rather see the world as happy and exciting, than to view the world as a puzzle built on lies. we all have many sides, but we need to remember what sides we are going to foster and develop.

i pick charlotte.