dating as a mirror

i was asked by someone, “why do you want to date, what do you want?”, this really got me thinking about relationships and motivation. there are so many different people out there, you somehow meet someone and think, hey i could spend some time with them and maybe it would work between us. what it means to spend time, have fun, or work, that’s for later, but for now its why do we decide to invest any time or effort into getting to know someone.

i have a really close friend who has the greatest laugh in the world. it’s distinctive and forceful, but it makes me smile just thinking about it. i have called across many time zones and said, hey, can you laugh for me? no need to tell a joke or a funny story, just ask for a laugh and you get one.

my friend and i never dated. we got to know each other through work, during business trips. we were both on the road, there were long work days followed immediately by nights in pubs. the pub nights were filled with stories, laughs, drinks, more laughs. we got to know each other as colleagues, and started doing each other work-favors. we are now close friends because we learned about each other when there was no intent to “date”. gender didn’t matter in the relationship, we were co-workers, she didn’t know i was getting divorced, i just assumed she was in a relationship.

now, contrast this with the last “date” you went on. two people, most likely freshly bathed and dressed well, sharing stale questions and rote answers, guarded, probing, observing. okay, to be fair, i am making this sound worse than it is. but i think you know what i mean. it’s not a comfortable, no pressure environment with nothing on the line, where people are sharing stories that make themselves look bad. when you are out with your friends, you are just having a good time. when you are dating, you are hoping to have a good time in the future.

i called a friend for dinner last night on a whim. we had gone on a few dates, but have settled into a friendship. we were eating last night and i was thinking about how much more comfortable we are now. she was really relaxed, i was relaxed, there was no expectation beyond dinner and the conversation. i asked her why people date, and she said, “to have someone look at you and smile, it makes you feel good”. we both looked at each other and smiled.

dating is a mirror. you do get dressed up, you go somewhere nice, you use your best manners, you are generous and thoughtful, you listen to the other person, hopefully you have turned your handphone ringer off and are not looking at your sms every 10 minutes. if both people were like this beyond the first few dates, imagine how happy people would be.

which brings me to another thought, why do people cheat? what would motivates someone to put their relationship at risk by spending time with (dating) and getting close to someone else. so here’s the thing, if the above is true, they must miss having someone smile at them. they must miss having the other person take the time to focus on them. they want to hear new stories, to tell the old story that always got a laugh to a new person, because the old person knows the story and can finish the punch lines by this point.

everyone says they want to be friends first, they become friends, get close, tell everything about themselves, find out there is nothing interesting left, stop taking the time to build interesting times together, get bored, say their mate doesn’t understand them anymore. the issue isn’t that the mate doesn’t understand them, its that they do understand them, maybe a bit too well, but they find someone else and repeat the cycle.

we can break the cycle in two ways, lead more independent lives. this would mean people have a harder time getting bored with you because they see you less. or, work harder to be interesting. keep bathing and getting dressed up to take the person out and focus some attention on them. either way, come up with a interesting new story, they want to smile at you and it will make you happy too.