choosing culture

much of what i write about here reflects the differences between myself and the cultures which i experience as i live my life.  i started writing when i moved to asia, during a period of other change in my life.  as i was experiencing the new environment, i began to see the similarity and many more differences between asia and version of the US i felt i had left.  the questions i was asking were mostly about why people would make the choices they make.  this was both at the micro and macro levels, as well as specifically about myself and those closest to me.  we make choices, we live publicly and privately inside our own culture; and next to other cultures.  but many of the choices people make seem oddly foreign, even when they are made for cultural reasons you understand.

i have asked the same question of three friends in the past few weeks.  they have signed up to join cultures which are not their own.  in all cases i was told the reason was their respect for the same small group focus that would have driven me away.  these are guys i know and respect.  we have a lot in common, but these choices are beyond my ability to understand.  they are making a choice to join a culture, and will be expected to live within those choices.  all three have strong individuality, the proven ability to separate themselves from those closest to them, and yet all three are signing up join groups that limit the individual for the ability to hold the group tightly bound together.

when people in asia talk about being multi-cultural, i smile and shake my head.  there are cultural differences here, but they are small differences.  the differences are mostly external, focused on what language you speak, what you eat and what you wear.  these are surface items, that allow a very high level of cross over.  not only do we have baba-nyonya culture, where chinese took on the outward elements of the malay/indonesian culture, but we have HIGH number of chinese, indian, thai and other ethnic mixing that make the malay group what it is today.  i have to smile when someone tells me they are "fully malay", but then admits that one or more of their grandparents where from a non-malay culture or ethnicity.

don't miss understand me.  i am not saying this is disingenuous in any way.  what i am arguing is that there is not as much difference between the groups as people would like others to believe.  all three groups are family focused, and patriarchal.  viewed with a more critical viewpoint, especially through the american lens of individuality and egalitarianism, this can come across more as paternalism and softly-veiled misogyny.  but to each other, the traditional asian value system is strongly held by the other groups.  it is clearly much easier to dislike the western value system than to acuse one of the other groups of being socially dangerous.

and there is the danger i see for my friends.  they are choosing a culture where what is considered normal for us could be subversive and riddled with danger.  unless of course they are looking to join, and take advantage of the male-focus of the culture.  as i think about this more deeply, they are each from different western cultures which were previously paternalistic.  am i misunderstanding the desires here, is it that they truly want to go back to the more conservative times of the past?  is that the attraction for joining?

you could point out that i also recently joined a asian group dynamic.  although i did it in slightly different ways.  i selected a group with the smallest amount of differences of all the situations.  same religion, same focus on education, same professional level, history of crossing ethnic boarders and possibly the most important of all shared native language.  fully asian, but with a strong western vibe deeply ingrained and a focus on the strength of women and matriarchy.   hopefully they will continue to be accepting of my semi-bohemian individuality.  there is evidence of this acceptance being core to the group; so i am less worried than i would be otherwise.

we all choose cultures.  we may choose to stay within the one we were brought up in, or to go along with the changes our culture is experiencing as we mature.  we choose our culture by selecting family, friends, education, occupation, workplace, hobbies and groups we join and even the places we choose to live.  we make choices about what we eat, where we go and who we spend time with.  we decide to be alone or in a wider group.  we choose to dress up, dress down or dress with the norm to send statements about who we are and how we fit into the wider group dynamics around us.

i still don't understand the choices others make.  why any person would stay with someone who uses the threat or act of violence to keep them is beyond me.  why a woman would not throw off a misogynistic culture, may always be a mystery.  but i no longer question the validity of these choices; not most of them.  many choices i would never make can valid for others.  i am not going to advocate against most of them.  i will not suggest they are wrong.  i know they are not right for me.

but, as a self-professed free-thinking libertarian, what else would you expect.