be careful

i have someone in my life who gives me the same advice almost everyday.  the advice is not just a parting gesture, it is a genuine hope that i will take the advice and incorporate it into my daily life.  the issue is that i may not really understand what they are telling me.  it seems to me that i already reasonably careful, if not strictly cautious. i wonder why someone would feel the need to give me this advice; especially someone who knows and hopefully understands me.  it makes me worry sometimes that they feel the need to tell me this. maybe they see something i don't see.  as i speed away, i hear the echo of them saying "be careful".

i see myself as a risk taker, but not as a stupid risk taker.  i wear my seat belts when i drive.  i wear a helmet when i ride my bike.  i believe in safety, unless it gets in the way of enjoying the activity.  the example that jumps out at me is the use of a life preserver.  when someone hands me one of these as i step onto a boat i cringe at the idea of putting it on.  not that i want to risk drowning, but that i know i am going to be uncomfortable the whole time i am wearing it.   i also know that i can swim better without the bulky orange vest, than with it.  unless i am sailing far from shore, and at real risk of being swept off the deck by storm waves, i am not going to wear something that just gets in the way.

why do i wear a helmet then?  well, the risk/reward calculation is different.  i have ridden bikes long enough, hard enough and fast enough to have lost 4 of them to crashes.  when i say lost, i mean folded up into sculpture like shapes by high speed impacts with larger and higher mass vehicles.  in one of these impacts, i walked way with barely a scratch on me, but with a long white stripe of paint on my black helmet.  i have always wondered what my bare head what have looked like after the same impact sans plastic safety gear.  prior impacts, most while doing nothing close to risky but mixed with speed, boredom, stupidity and the elements have taught me that i am not in control while on a bike.  i am at risk because of others, and i need to take extra precautions.

we are all always at risk.  there is risk in walking out onto my balcony, or so i should believe if i listen to the stories of people being hit by lightening.  but when i review the studies, we find that most deaths occur in non-urban environments around the world.  if i were in the rural world, i might need to take more direct precautions.  but in my urban environment, staying out of the pool during a thunderstorm should be enough.  doing the things i heard as a kid, turning off the TV, not using a phone and staying away from windows might be a bit of overkill in todays world.  i would rather get up in the middle of the night and go out onto the balcony to enjoy a good thunderstorm than to hide from it because of some mythical belief carried from an earlier age and situation.

i do take risks.  the kids and i are talking about going skydiving.  but we are not into taking dumb risks. we all agreed that if we are going to do it, we will do it in the US rather than asia, and we will find a reputable firm to do the training with.  everything might have risk, but being smart about which ones you take are part of the game.

when i first realized how often i was being told to "be careful" i wondered if there was an underlying message i had been missing.  much like when i tell people to "be good", in most settings in asia i do not think i am giving them the same advice they would be getting from their parents if they were told the same thing.  i am suggesting they be self aware, be the best they can be and embrace the opportunities to enjoy life.  this contrasts with the asian version of, "don't do anything that will later be a mistake or bring shame".  when i try to imagine getting this asian version of the advice as a child, i remember my father saying, "fuck em if they can't take a joke".  which i translate for my kids as, "life is short, enjoy yourself".  clearly my blue-collar-hippie dad was not an asian parent; thank god for that.

i try to be careful, but living life stops me from avoiding all things risky.  i got a tattoo, and loved the process and results.  i take the kids out far to the break, i ride motorcycles and enjoy driving in storms.  the thing i miss most about winters are going snowboarding.  bungee jumping and skydiving are both on the list.  i would love to ride across asia, or sail across an ocean.  i hope retirement comes with a surfboard and a local break over 6 feet.  i am just dumb enough to paddle out and risk it, because i know i can and i love the thrill of actually doing it.

if being careful means not driving fast, not feeling the wheels slip a bit in the rain, not feeling that pull of mature fear of failure be replaced by the satisfaction of success, then i am not ready to be careful.  i don't want to be that guy now, or ever.  if i was going to be that guy, i probably would have been before.  maybe i was when the kids were young, i was not taking as many risks and i was always worried for them and their safety.  i was much less fun, and i was clearly much less happy that i am now.  i have realized they didn't need me to be that guy, what they needed was for me to go along and participate.  sharing the risks and the laughs are much better than being upset that they are on their bikes without a helmet; i am sorry we ever had that conversation.

some people can feel a thrill while safely locked into a roller coaster.  others have the ability to drive themselves into the thrills that get their heart going.  when i hear the advice to "be careful", it's not saying don't drive yourself.  what i hear is, "i know you enjoy this, i know you know there is risk, i want you to come back safely and tell me how the challenge felt and much of a charge the act of success gave".

or maybe i am just translating "be careful" to "be good".