writer blocked

its nearly three months since i last wrote.  i have been far below the normal production level over the past year.  the last time i made the effort to consistently express myself was a year ago.  it happened when i was away by myself on my favorite beach.  i am back for another holiday holiday, and i have wanted to write, but after a week i am just now breaking out the air to try to let the thoughts loose.  i have had to accept that i find myself blocked, i am not sure how or why but i have not been able to share.

the past year has been one of change and impending change.  during times of change i tend to withdraw, which may be what has happened to me over the past twelve months.  but i have not found myself curled up on the couch, alone with my woobie.  as those closest know, that is the historical sign of my withdrawal.  more recently my version of withdrawl translates to a vacation seeking comfortable space.  but have you noticed that vacations also allow me to open up and write?  getting away drives my need to open up, and it enhances my crave to connect.

i see this as a positive sign.  rather than taking space to allow the inner devils to embrace the darkness, i have come to sit in the sun and strip layers off.  i have been needing to get away for months now.  finally the migration, the post-migration and the reorganization are all over.  strategic alternatives have lingered, but the need to be in the northern kingdom have slowed to the point where i can get away.  there is plenty of work left to do, but it will wait for the new year.  i have disconnected.

the underlying reason for the congestion of thought i have been experiencing is difficult to diagnose.  much like my allergies, what causes them is not always clear, the stuffiness comes when it comes.

in both cases, the causes are hard to pin down because they have complexity.  it is not one single trigger, they layer upon each other.  part of it i am sure is that circumstances have changed.  i have always talked about things happening around me, and given structural changes going on around me i have been less and less able to be open.  some of these blocks were cultural, some were familial or organizational, but some have been legal.  given the cross currents of demands to say less and protect information, i have imposed a "say nothing til you hear more" rule of thumb.  my other default compensation technique to reduce complexity and ensure simplicity.

i have also considered the fact that i have simply not had the space to sit and do this.  given the [overly long] style of my writing, i need time to accomplish this, and i have not felt as though the time was there for me.  but i have been here for almost 6 days, i had my laptop out for google/wiki/youtube and nightly fringe, i still didn't even attempt to send thoughts into the ethernet.

two days ago i spent the afternoon doing cold reads on two very nice new friends.  friends could be too strong a statement, i don't know their names, have no contact information and unless the winds of fate somehow drive us to the same line in an airport some day we will probably never speak again.  but as we sat and chatted over halal-beverages, there was a surprising level of sharing going on.  i learned things, some of which were not expected.  while i was there i realized that rather than writing, i was spending time with real people and talked rather than typing.

this morning i decided it was time to buckle down and cast some thoughts.  i had a 20 minute conversation concerning the correct location.  caffeine, alt-cafe tunes and armchair comfort are all key to my process, the much to long conversation sent me to the starbucks so close that my motorcycle barely warmed up getting here.  i struck up another conversation in line, and a third when i sat down.  going to a very american version of the worlds coffee location and talking to a surprising number of amercians took precedence over typing.  again, real connections over the semi-anonymous conversation this medium brings.

is that it then?  have i somehow found myself in a place where my extroversion has finally wiped away my need for distance?  rather than observing from a safe distance, i am directly interacting.  the nice couple from seattle who live in china ended our conversation by telling me "we come here every day... at 11:00 am".  that kind of specificity seems to invite further conversations.  still no contact information, still limited name exchange, but connection.

i am writing now.  funky christmas tunes are decking the halls around me.  i am watching the multi-cultural groups pausing around me.  an indonesian chinese couple and teenage son just moved from the sun warmed chairs to the shade-covered couch touching my chair.  a little too close for my american sense of personal space, and the dark sunglasses dad is wearing inside do not invite conversation.  mom seems nice and keep smiling at me; actually that is a little more sketchy than the shades in the shade.  i doubt this will turn into a blocking conversation.  good thing, i am typing again and want to keep the flowing motion.

the congestion has lifted, i am able to breath again.  the weight on my chest has gone, i can take a deep breath and feel the air filling my lungs.  i can touch the air and feel myself opening up.

hopefully you are not offended by the sounds of me clearing my blocked head.