coping parent

i have a friend in the US who i need to have detailed conversations with occasionally. because most of these happen late in the day for me, and come with filler time before the real discussion begins, my randomness tends to shine through. a few weeks ago we had a side conversation that i keep thinking about. it revolves around personal freedom, fear and parenting styles, all subjects that are hard for me to skip over; or fail to ruminate on.

to set the stage a bit, my friend is almost the poster child for upper-middle class soccer mom. she is smart, professional and respected. she is also semi-asian, fully american and east coast preppy, but with an asian parent and a bit of the "tiger mom" drive you would expect from a type-A over-achiever. if you needed someone organized and detailed on your team, she would be the choice.

we were talking a few weeks ago and somehow i turned the conversation to backpacking in europe. i was thinking about taking the train from amsterdam, through belgium and into france with my kids, and she admitted she had done the "sleep on the train" blast of moving around europe for a summer while in college. she said she had done something like 14 countries in 31 days, and when asked if she had enjoyed it, the answer was a simple "oh yeah".

it was clear she enjoyed her time, and has stories that i am sure are worth hearing. i am also sure they are only told to those much closer, better to be boxed up with other college aged memories and kept safe from prying eyes. as i heard her telling the story i was confused, it seemed out of character, but i was hopeful that i was seeing a new hippie mom side. so i asked if she wanted her kids to do the same trip, and the answer was an immediate "no way".

i had images of spending time with the kids in europe. my older son breaking his should either doing one arm hand-stands outside a bar at 2 AM (i was in the hotel with the other kids), or falling down the stairs in the hotel at 3 AM when her finally came home. my younger son taking a sip of his "beverage" at midnight, right after leaving the belgium restaurant where his sister ate horse. or standing in de wallen area of amsterdam explaining the women in the windows while his brother was in the coffee shop. these are all memories from the first family trip to europe. our eurail adventure headed for the south of france, but adjusted to champagne when things didn't work out on the train.

we are currently planning this years vacation. we have been doing a international vote for the past month, we are looking at flights and considering hotel locations. the kids have had the choice of a paradise island of ozzie surfers and bomb warnings, a communist country with great coffee shops and beaches americans bleed on or a semi-indian island that recently ended a 26-year civil war. we also considered one of the popular hindu temples nestled in a buddhist country, but it didn't have the draw of the locations on the list. my kids have become very good travelers, with discerning tastes.

but back to my friend... what is she trying to protect her children from? my older son, while walking around europe with one arm in a sling, asked if he could do a semester in europe. he had the city and the degree selected. i had reason to believe the plan was semi-directed by the rasta-haired twenty-something waitress he was spending time with. but i honestly wish he had executed the plan, it would have been good for him. also, as i look back on my early adulthood, i wish i had taken time to go to europe and learn more about the world, its people and the options out there if you took the time.

as a parent coping with kids, watching them grow up and hoping they are ready to take on the world, i am very happy my kids can get on an airplane, transit in europe and make it safely to asia. they will leave the US with euros in their pockets, they know how to negotiate a european airport and they know how to enjoy an non-american breakfast. i know they have the ability to react to issues that come up, i know they are smart enough to stay safe and see danger where their naive peers might just rush into high speed traffic of the world. they are able to take trains, they have able to adjust to a situation, they have learned to walk up to a guard holding a machine gun and ask for the bathroom in multiple languages.

i am not worried that my kids would not be safe as they travel the world. my daughter goes to NYC for new years, my older son already has control of his life fully in his hands. they have been trained, they have been prepared. they have seen me make mistakes, they have heard "semi-cleansed" stories of other adventures. i am looking forward to them taking on the world directly, i just hope they will share the stories with me. it would be bad for me if they didn't share, but worse if they never took the trip in the first place.

the world is too big, too interesting and too much fun to not go out and enjoy it. years ago i took the older kids to see "eurotrip", i laughed along with them and wished i had adventures like that when i was that age. i was too busy growing up. here is to hoping they take the time and safely enjoy themselves as they travel the world.

they are ready, and i can cope with it when they travel alone. for now, i am looking forward to us traveling together.