lowered expectations

i was talking to my ex-wife last night.  there was a moment years ago when she saw me doing something out of character and based on the strained position we were in, she asked me if i thought pretending to change would make a difference.  this came a year after i thought i had begun changing in significant ways.  the question was an accusation of lies which were not being told, and a confirmation that at that moment nothing would be enough change to matter.

to be fair, there were times in the past where i should have been happy and i was not.  i merged a cynical world view, an expectation of doom and a desire to control things which simply could not be controlled, into a poor-fit in our american family dynamic.  on one of our first dates she asked why i always expected something bad to happen.  she asked me to accept that trying to let good things happen would allow them to happen.  i took a deep breath and made a decision to try.  years later, much happiness had come from that decision.  i had just done a terrible job of saying thank you.

a few weeks ago i was sharing the sight of a famous landmark with someone who enjoyed it as much as i did.  she looked at me and told me the man in her life had taken in the same view and had been disappointed by it.  he did not think it was worth the praise it receives; it did not meet the expectations he had in pre-viewing.  i looked at her and smiled.  this was the second time i had seen it, and like the eiffel tower blinking at night, sunset on the ocean, pastel streaked sunrise from 40,000 feet or the birth of a child there was simply no way i could be disappointed.

we discussed why we enjoyed the view so much and why others would be disappointed.  it hit me that it wasn't the view, it was what someone brought into the view.  like reading a book you have read before and hearing a new message, like looking at a painting of the ocean crashing onto the beach and sensing the feelings of the men impressionisticly standing on the beach, the viewer is a key element to the interpretation of a moment.  you bring yourself into the act of enjoyment.  your "world view" matters as you view your world.

events which would have frustrated me years ago, moments when i would have been bored and distracted are now those that i miss the most.  i hate the fact that i didn't enjoy them while i could have.  i allowed myself to fast-forward through times that i now wish i could return to and slowly savor.  the big events are the times that people remember, but it's the small events that i have come to care the most about.

the difference then is that i find i now enjoy small things as much as large.  when this started i realized that the sound of a bird chirping, the bright taste of my morning caffeine jolt and warm feeling on sun on my arms had new found pleasure.  when you slow down and enjoy things that you used to take for granted, you begin to see that very few things can be taken for granted.  

i was watching a DVD last night and a small scene unfolded, as it ended i realized that three months ago i had stood on the exact spot the actors were in the scene.  i had been there and i had shared the moment with someone i could reach out to and share the joy of recognition.  this tiny scene meant something to me that i brought in myself.  something the production company never could have added.  i brought good and happy thoughts unrelated to the scene that was written.

i have changed.  i now have lower expectations, and the lower the expectations have become the more i have learned to enjoy the small things that happen around me.  even the things i don't like, i now try to find some way to enjoy.  just understanding that before the changes began i could have had a reaction or felt frustration, now i enjoy difficult moments with the zen appreciation of not allowing a negative response to replace the good-vibe.

pretending to change was never the plan.  the change happened much like time and pressure crytalizes carbon to diamond, and i have learned to enjoy the sparkle of the post-pressurized me.  i used to say, "expect the worst, enjoy the best".   as i look back, it's clear how that world view could impede a happy life.  but, that is no longer the way i look at the world.  the worst things that could happen did; and i am still standing.

i can now happily say, "enjoy what life brings you", to do it you need to see the diamonds in the rough.