over flowering

i was driving last night and a couple crossed in front of the car. they were a smart looking chinese couple, obviously out on a saturday night date. both were dressed well and he was holding her hand as they crossed the street. they were both smiling and happy, as i stopped to let them cross, she smiled up at him, and snuggled into him as though saying, thank you for protecting me and caring enough to hold my hand as we cross.

this made me think of another couple i had seen, valentine’s night i was sitting in a restaurant and many couples, obviously on valentine’s dates, were coming and going. there were many men, almost all chinese carrying flowers as they walked with their women. that is sweet, normally in the US the man will give the flowers to their date when they pick them up, and allow the date to carry them the rest of the night. the idea of a man carrying flowers i guess does not seem masculine enough, although carrying them for your date is obviously the gentlemanly thing to do.

as i sat there, one young chinese guy walked by with a huge bouquet of flowers. it was bright and colorful, a mix of roses and carnations. but the thing that stuck out was the vast size of the bouquet; he seemed to have trouble holding it. this was clearly a sign that his date was someone he felt the need to splurge on, and by the smile of the woman with him, she seemed to appreciate the sentiment.

both events made me question where this attention goes. i enjoy giving flowers, and holding hands, sending an sms to just say hello. i enjoy it and i miss it when i do not have the chance to do it. but there have been times when i know i should have done it and one thing or another has stopped me. i honestly wish i could go back and send those flowers right now, not as a way to ask for something, but to show that i did care, and that i still do.

i wonder if these two chinese guys will get these women to believe in them and will get married. will they start a life together and will they slowly stop to do these nice things. will there be a time in the future where the first guy simply walks across the street and does not hold her hand with such attention and caring? worse, will he be one of the guys who let the wife carry all the bags as he walks ahead with his hands empty?

for the second guy will the bouquets shrink slowly? will they get to a level where they simply look average and later shrink to a single flower until eventually they stop all together? the alternative is that they simply stop quickly and are dismissed as a part of the early dating, which was where this couple clearly was. the size of the flowers was simply out of proportion to the event, or maybe smacked of desperation. (just my jaded side showing through?)

as we date, are we not showing someone how we promise to continue to act towards them? if we do attract someone with purchases of presents, flowers, meals or trips, or just by paying attention to them and showing that we care, is there not some form of implied contract that as we continue on, the effort will continue? of course the truth is yes. but, people will disagree and say no. they do that because they know most people do not keep the energy levels up, they slow down over time. once someone is caught do you need to keep chasing?

i think that’s it exactly. once you have the race won, how many of us continue to push as hard as we can all the way to the finish. sad all by itself, but if you start with such high energy; you really should be able to sustain something as time passes. it is outright fraud if you go from being an “over-flowerer” to never bringing flowers and fraud is a reason someone gets fired isn’t it. if you promise to work hard, you need to continue to work hard. if you don’t, someone else is out there who will.

dating on your best behavior is of course part of the game. but if someone doesn’t like you for the real you, is that really the person you want to be with? imagine finding the person who really does like all sides of you. if someone says they do, look for parts they want/need to change. when there are none, then they really do like you for you.

but remember, if you later change, if you become someone other than the person they like, well… why would you expect them to keep liking you?

plant all the flowers you want. but, if you neglect them and allow weeds to grow and takeover, the flowers will die. you will not have the idyllic garden, you will have a troubled spot that no one would want to be in. when you plant flowers, it’s your job to take care of them. the more you plant the more work it will be. imagine planting all those beautiful flowers and later saying, let's pour gravel over it so we don’t need to work like this anymore. (do you remember saying you did it because you liked to do it?)

gravel is good for a parking lot, but is that the relationship you really want? and if it is, bring gravel to the first few dates, see where that gets you.