wanting air

i am sitting in a cafe, trying to waste time while work i could have done is being done by someone who didn't want to do it. i need to stay out of the way, so i am taking up space in a crowded cafe. a friend of mine walked in about an hour ago, when he sat down he said, "i thought i would find you here." he didn't expect me to be out on my bike, or showering after a run, he thought i would be here with my laptop, book and a coffee in front of me.

i am a creature of habit, i find routines that allow me to control the quality of my day. my basic wardrobe of jeans, polo and running shoes has been comfortably mine ever since i walked into the preppie haven of potter & co as a teen. i have replaced the alligator with a polo player, and i no longer feel the need to cut the branding away. the teenaged false-rebellion of creating holes to highlight my "conspicuous consumption" has faded away into enjoyment of simple and consistent quality.

i also have a strong drive to search for new and shiny toys to play with. the friend sitting next to me asked if i could be any more apple-branded. macbook pro, iphone and ipad splayed across the table, i smiled and turned the computer so he could see that i was shopping for a replacement air to fill the gap of the one going off to college this weekend. a purchase that i definitely do not "need", but that i might want; it's an ongoing debate. i am using the weight of 17 inches to justify the want of air. the extra-ness of the pro makes it less than portable, but is that enough to excuse the cost of going light.

i have been exercising every day this month. this is in stark contrast to the many months before when exercise was an afterthought of missed regret. for over a year, i have tried to get into the groove needed to sustain this effort, but was not emotionally tied to the benefits. i didn't want it enough to invest in making it happen. this was a purchase that just missed the cut of desire. i would have needed to pull away from the desk, or spin away at home, and that was too much for the perceived gain; gain through loss is a hard sell.

what tipped the logical analysis into the negative was the lower near-term benefit. many people are driven by fear-induced choices that go along the lines of -- if you don't do "x", bad things will happen, so hurry up and do "y". the y here for purchasing the lesser weight and lowering the drag of age and size could have won. being lighter is a good thing, i was never debating that, but having the biggest screen is a good thing too. the weight reinforces the existential substance, like driving the swedish engineered sports-wagon, rather than the italian designed sports-coupe. i have always been more wagon than coupe guy, i love the sound of the heavy doors closing around me.

this still leaves me with a decision, do i go to see my chinese apple guy and walk away with the light as air toy, or do i carry the full-sized wagon that i love; considering the weight every time i heft my messager bag onto my shoulder. the newly jobless apple has recently upgraded the line, there is a new processor and a new lion inside the box. but it feels like a waste to have another box to play with, my repressed catholic-protestant guilt is shining through and questioning the "need" to go light.

what if i wait another month or two? there are rumors that a larger air is on the way. i should be considering if another two inches will be sexy enough to cause regret after the smaller purchase i can make now. but bigger is not always better. thin can be a goal of its own, for myself and for the shiny curved cases i crave. i am going to go for a run, and think about the unbearable lightness of being attracted to air.

the act of burning loss may help me decide if losing my air is reason enough to invest in lightness.