living better

one of the things about being alone is that you can ignore what others might point out. being with someone, you have a second pair of eyes which see events from another angle. those other eyes might notice what you don't, they might ask why something you accept is the way that it is. being alone you can ignore looking into the mirror, but one day you feel the other eyes and you are finally are forced to look and see what you have missed.

i have known for years that i have allergies. i spent almost two years starting each morning with a steroid inhaler. it kept recurrent bouts of bronchitis at bay, i would wake up unable to breath and would draw the gritty meds into my lungs, calming the clamped pressure that built up over night. this was about managing the symptoms rather than dealing with the cause, which was never clearly identified. it was clear that fresh beer, breads and dairy were all issues, but because i was sickest every year at the solstice a sad rumor of grinch-like christmas tree allergies circulated.

just after christmas 5 - 6 years ago, i was suffering once again. my general health was in question. i was gaining weight for no reason, i was exercising but could not maintain, when not exercising i was fighting to catch my breath, i was fighting mood swings and fatigue; all of which made me truly tired. it also impacted those closest to me; it's hard to live in a situation without solution. a solution was accidentally found one day, but it was too late to correct the underlying damage.

almost randomly i picked up a book that advocated removing large elements of the standard american diet to improve your health. i am not normally a person that corrects issues by elimination; i prefer to actively manage than draconian cuts. but i decided to give draconian management a try and a week later i stopped using the inhaler. by removing the things that were silently making me sick, i found i felt much better. all of my symtoms quickly disappeared, and i was the healthiest i have been in my adult life.

then i moved to malaysia, and as with all large changes i formed new routines. i remember the morning of the tipping point. i was driving and decided i could go to a bakery for breakfast, the decision was more about the need for comfort food then nutrition. i knew if i turned i would indulge in things i was better to avoid. this was the proverbial slippery slope, but i lied to myself reassuringly saying, "if it becomes an issue, i will stop going". even as i said it, there was another voice with a chuckle saying, "yeah right".

knowing your limits is a good thing, but even when you do you can still rationalize; for a while. i have slowly fallen back into the old spiral, and i have been paying the price. i have been living on antihistimines to manage recurrent coughs, nasal sprays for rhinitis and antacids for reflux. mixed in are my old friends joint pain, fatigue and weight gain. a few nights ago, i again woke up in a pool of sweat and with a mouth full of stomach acid. this is the first time in weeks that has happened, but its also the first time in weeks i didn't do my nightly regiment of imported medications. waking up choking is a really strong indication of the need to reconsider the idea of comfort foods.

so i have made a decision, it's time to listen to that little voice i have been ignoring. my sister and my mother have diagnosed auto-immune disorders, my other sister is having symptoms identical to mine and i clearly need to admit that having less than average is not acceptable if i am not average. i started making the changes i have avoided two days ago and i woke up this morning feeling the best i have in a year. i spent yesterday feeling clear and bright, i woke up early this morning and remembered how it felt to get up without being tired.

the downside is that i need to seriously alter my life. i need to avoid the sticky glutens that have inflamed my insides. i need to eliminate the things i crave, even if they are comforting they are not feeding me well. this can not be a 6 month change, it has to be for the long haul. i need to decide that no matter where i live, i need to follow the rules. the rules are not hard to follow, but they are easy to break a little bit at a time. the new rule is that even a little bit is bad.

elimination is the only way to a better life, i knew this before and rationalized it away. i think i need a mirror to make sure i don't forget this time.