distant parenting

i called the kids today to say happy new year. i was sitting in a café, it was 1:30 in the afternoon and they were 30 minutes after their new year. i timed the call to allow their friends to have first shot at them as they gave each other good wishes for the year to come. but the call led to questions on my role as a parent who lives so far away and how i should act towards my kids, people i see as adults both out of choice and necessity.

my daughter sounded happy and healthy. she was laughing and playful as she answered the phone. she is known for the ability to have divergent moods, there are times when you need to access the situation before pressing a conversation. today was simple and easy. she had been playing with her friends, she said they were outside sledding in the newly fallen snow. she sounded at ease with the world.

i asked if she had been drinking, the mood was almost too good. she said she had not, but the relaxed tone of the conversation and the level of laughter would point someone with a suspicious mind in another direction. she is not a big drinker, her 7 year old brother had more alcohol on our trip to europe last year, so i am not worried. she is smart and in control of her life, she will make the right choices.

the next call was to her older, but possibly not smarter, brother. this call was harder to understand. he was driving with his friends, it was clear from the slurred words that there had been consumption. we talked for a few minutes and i told him i love him, when he loudly replied he loved me too, the car erupted with other calls of love and friendship from those around him.

the driver of the car thanked me for all the years of allowing him to snowboard on the hill that made up our front yard. as a further sign of gratitude my son’s friend promised to light up a “peace pipe” with me the next time i am back in the US. although it’s a generous offer, it is one that i have no intent of accepting. this did not stop my son from begging me to “promise to do it”.

as i recounted this to my lunch companion, the face of concern came out. how can you accept that your son is driving around at night, drinking with his friends and smoking a peace pipe? how can you be a father if he asks you do such things with him?

i tried to explain that i have no intent of being anything more than a concerned father, that for years i tried to change my kids to be the way i thought they should be, that i wanted them to be safe and to act in ways that would guarantee that. but that now, now i just want them to be happy and to talk to me. i also want them to know that i love them. being this far away, and having few chances to actively parent, i have finally taken the advice my wife used to give me.

she spent years telling me to pick my battles and to make sure the kids knew i loved them first. that’s what i try to do now, what i want to do every day. if that means i don’t tell them something dumb is dumb when i find out about it, well that’s just part of parenting from the other side of the world.

i am happy that they talk to me, that they will share with me what is really happening in their lives, and that they know i love them. if the passive approach is all i have, i will take it. it has helped me get closer to my kids, and has helped us connect more deeply than we were when i would have gotten mad at them making what i thought was a dumb choice.

allowing your children to grow up does come with the need to accept them as adults. unfortunately, or maybe it’s fortunately, our kids have just gotten there a little ahead of schedule. maybe i was also a little behind schedule, i could have taken this approach all along. having friends and family in my life, even if they are occasionally under the influence is more important to me than being in charge.

distant parenting means focusing on, i love you. of course, i always end the conversation with, be careful. parenting from any distance comes with concern as well as acceptance.