cultural differences

it’s not hard for me to see that people in different parts of the world have different views on things. as we move around there are clearly cultural differences that are everywhere. some things are much more forward than others, some are harder to see until you take the time and sit back and relax, until you get beyond the obvious and move to the more personal.

i am an amercian, i live in asia, i travel in europe and try to be flexible and understanding. i believe that fundamentally, we are all the same. we are people and most people just want to be happy. but we do put different value on different things. i am shocked at how polite people continue to be to their parents as they age here in asia. i know asians in their 20s and 30s who put so much weight in what their parents would think of something they are simply unable to function without the need for hidden lives and deception. it was my father who taught me that i needed to live my own life, and i had to say “screw them” if other people did not understand. it was also my father who taught us we could tell him anything and he would understand and love us.

i was just talking to someone from the office who told me that amercian kids are spoiled and that amercian parents have no capacity to say no to their children. i am almost positive that my children and their father is the only american family they have ever really witnessed, so i have to believe that we were core to this belief. if not, if they formed it by talking to friends and watching media, its pretty clear my family didn’t do anything to change the opinion.

while in europe a few months ago, we were eating with our family friends there. as the days went by, they were clearly questioning my giving the kids the ability to choose their own foods. american kids tend to go through a late adolescent stage where food is greatly simplified to a few staple items. europeans and asians do not seem to allow this; they have their children eat complete and balanced meals, considering it a life skill. my son’s desire to focus on carbohydrates and to avoid dishes where the bread is too toasted, or the sauce has “green things” in it, was openly questioned. i went though much the same phase, and now i enjoy foods from all over the world, my sister who would only eat ketchup and frozen lasagna successfully lived in japan and inda. i am not going to worry about this stage, but it caused great concern with non-americans.

europeans allow their children to have a glass of wine with dinner, most americans find this to be a strange and dangerous practice. i, of course, go along with the europeans on this. there were pictures of our trip where my 7 year old was tipping a glass of dark beer with a big smile on his face. i am sure this is a picture that is questioned both in the US and asia. but this picture comes with a back story that although my children have seen me have alcohol with meals their entire lives, they have never once seen me even marginally drunk. this may be because i have only been really drunk once in the past 15 years. allowing them to drink at dinner is my way of teaching them to drink with care and respect, this is something we have talked about many times. they always say, “i know dad” with a look that tells me this is understood, and i don’t need to worry about them.

europeans also strike their children in public. i grew up with parents who would slap a child, regardless of who was around, if they felt the child needed it. more than that, just like europeans today, friends and extended family were also welcome to deliver the punishment if they felt it was required. i think this is part of the “it takes a village” concept in child care. american children are taught today that if anyone hurts them with physical force, they have to report it so a criminal investigation can be started. i was shocked as i watched a child i truly love slapped for no reason at all. my children have never felt a slap in anger, although i have thought about it at times. is this right or is it being too lenient? our children know they are loved, and are comfortable that they can tell us anything without us getting angry; i think this is related.

europeans have for many years been known for their openness with sex between adults. americans have become much more liberated. growing up irish catholic was not a great road to liberation, the irish catholics are known for their conservative mindsets. luckily my parents were very open and able to talk about nearly anything. they were ahead of their time in many respects. i have carried that, and moved it forward in my relationship with the kids.

the explicit conversation my daughter and i had on an airplane recently, where we talked about her current situation and status, and i shared my views on her need to enjoy life in a safe and stable way, may have raised eyebrows with the people around us. i am sure it would be shocking for the adult asians i have met who are completely uncomfortable with even admitting that they have needs or desires in this regard, and would never talk about them with their parents even into their adult lives. this can be contrasted with the conversation of the two aunties in europe a few months ago who openly discussed their sexual adventures, and admitted they wanted more before it was to late. they talked with a freedom and disregard for any of the people at tables around us. liberation is something that is learned.

american children as a whole are open, honest, demanding and tend to be more adult, much faster than kids in other parts of the world. i am told regularly that i need to find a woman to take care of me. i have no need for that, my nana told me when i was 7 that i should never need a woman for that. i am looking for a partner, not a mother. my mother stopped taking care of me when i was 8, she was to busy and she told me i was capable of taking care of myself. i watch the indian men who have mothers still pressing their clothes before work, who look for a wife to pick up these duties and provide others. how good can it really be when you are sleeping with your mother or your maid?

cultural differences do exist, they are not the color of our skin, they are not the accents we have, they are not the foods we eat, and they are the deep grained thoughts we carry. they are the actions we do without thinking about them; they are the expectations we have of ourselves and others. americans expect people to talk to us, they expect honesty and direct communication, they expect even our friends to compete with us, and they expect to be judged not by skin, ethnicity or religion but by merit. most of all they expect to always be winners, because we are willing to teach out kids to have a mind of their own and to live their own lives. we expect our children, our families and our co-workers to tell us when they disagree with us, but to understand we are trying to be the best we can and we are trying to be happy.

traveling the world is fun, if you are open and watch you can learn many things about the world and about yourself. the times this comes most clearly is when you realize the people around you, the people you have come to care about, to love, are different than you are and that deep inside you it doesn’t matter. if it does, then you are not really friends, you don’t really care about them, and it isn’t really love that you feel.