my new drug

i come from a country which europeans consider overly conservative and prudish. this is the same country that asians consider dangerously liberal and much too permissive. i now live in a country with strict laws regarding adult behavior which is legal and accepted, or at least openly tolerated, at home. in the midst of this setting, i have a new drug. i have quickly and unexpectedly found that I do not want to live without it.

one of the things we taught our kids was that everyone has addictions. we have to be careful with the things we allow ourselves to become addicted to. some things are fully accepted (the perfect stimulant of caffeine), some are illegal and dangerous (ecstasy or heroin). some are cheap (chocolate); some are expensive beyond all reason (cocaine or golf). all things come with a cost and a benefit, we tried to teach the kids to consider this when we are trying new things.

when we watch ourselves begin to try and enjoy new things, we should focus on the why as much as the what. why we allow ourselves to become dependent on something is just as important as what the thing is. let’s say we become addicted to exercise. if the addiction is positive in that it helps us stay fit and remain active, that is a good. but if it’s based on narcissistic self focus which blurs all other human relations, that is a bad. it is true that most things good can be turned to evil if they are over indulged so good addiction is enjoying the dependence while retaining control and objectivity.

given all of these thoughts, i have come to realize i am a newly minted addict. i have tried a new drug and i love it. it alters my mood to the point of euphoria, it allows me to stay up all night long and talk about random things. it then helps me sleep the deepest and most restful sleep i have ever experienced. it also gives me a quiet sense of comfort that is so refreshing and wonderful i never want it to stop.

it is simple to get, it has caused no negative side effects and as far as i know it is legal everywhere in the world. i am an addict. i have begun to plan my days to allow me to have the smallest taste of the drug. i have gotten to the office late; i have delayed work to give me time to wrap myself in the warm embrace of the drug.

this would normally scare me to death; i know i am seeding control of my life. i don’t care. i want the high more than i want the control. we addicts become skilled at making rationalizations. i am hooked and there is little chance that i will go back to living without it. unless my friends sense that i need an intervention, i will continue. but i have talked to my close friends about it, and they are telling me to take the drug, because i have not been so happy and alive in a very long time.

this is the answer to why i am taking it. it makes me happy. it has helped me start dreaming again, it has made me see the world with a new clarity and hope. it has opened parts of me which i had closed, closed even to friends who mean the world to me. i am a better person when i am on the drug. i am a happy addict.

“pick your addictions” is the best advice i have ever heard, or given. in this case, i have picked, i have picked that this is the one for me.