in the past month i have done 8 flights that lasted more than 6 hours. i have no issues on planes, i have learned how to work, sleep and relax on a plane. i honestly look forward to long flights because they are time where i am disconnected from the world and i can watch DVDs or read books that have piled up, or catch up on sleep that has been lost.
something different happened yesterday, i met a beautiful girl. i have had all kinds of seat mates, the very large african woman who LOUDLY snored her way across the atlantic, the chinese businessman who clearly worried over my “kite runner” sobs or the kid i found asleep at my feet (okay he is mine, but it did kind of freak me out). this was different; we were able to build up a friendship over a few hours.
my new friend was traveling to visit family, she was hesitant at first but warmed up to the point that we were smiling and talking freely at the end. the trick with this, even when you are from different cultures and seemingly have little in common is to listen to the other person and to help them feel comfortable when they do open up. making friends is about finding the common ground that gives you that connection.
i am rested and feel more relaxed over the past week or so. it has allowed me to take time and connect with people. yesterday came from that, i was leaving a new group of friends and i was able to find and make a yet another in a few hours. my newest friend may never enter my life again, i may never see her smile again, but i am glad we found the chance to meet.
this is one of the best parts of travel. there are 6 billon people in the world. taking a few hours and connecting with one of them, finding common ground and being able to make someone you did not know before smile and be happy for a moment is a gift. giving and taking gifts like this are what makes a life worthwhile.
i got a hug and a little kiss at the end of the flight. i wish i had taken a picture, but in the rush of departure i did not get the chance. she is beautiful, and i hope she remembers to smile, because that smile made this one of the best flights i have taken, it be one i will not forget.
prisha, enjoy your life, and remember you are god’s gift.
Sunday, November 09, 2008
mythical friend
living among people who fundamentally believe in the existence and reality of god, while personally having a world view that has been called, free-thinking, skeptical or simply jaded is a strange experience. the fact that i am in high tech, and from one of the most liberal and educated areas of the US, or that most of my best friends come from and support a pragmatic libertarian lifestyle makes it all the more of an issue.
my family suffered from religious entropy as i grew up. inter-sect marriage, inter-racial friends, inter-city lifestyle and intra-childhood divorce has taken its toll on the entire family’s ability to believe. this is true for my generation, but the next, that of the kids… they are living in a time where nearly all beliefs are openly challenged and the guilt of not believing is nearly eliminated.
one of my favorite television characters, one i have written about in the past, is dr. gregory house. house delights in attacking a cross-wearing or sabbath observing patient with statements questioning the reality of their “mythical friend”. i without being able to help it have smiled every time i have heard this. i have even been known to use the term myself while attempting to irritate, or is that instigate a response from, a friend who does still believe.
what has struck me is that house is alone, immerses his self in work, and focuses on building and supporting team he clearly likes even if he keeps his distance from them. house also has visible pain and dependency; both of which relate to loss, but i see them as metaphorical reminders of the loss of an earlier belief more than the loss of his thigh’s muscle.
who is the "mythical friend" house is really missing? is it one he cannot touch, or one he can no longer touch. the fact that religious symbols are tied into words like communion, or coming together with the myth, should not be over looked. the core element to most faith is the extension of membership to believers, believers who use faith to transcend doubt or lack of evidence. this is true in many relationships, those with religion which house states is a myth, and those myths which flow from relationships with a person who initially seems to be concrete, and can begin to take on the elements of faith to believe the mythical image.
does house's pain symbolize his lack of relationship with one of his personal mythical figures? if it does this clearly is commentary that the myths accepted by others must be as well. it may not be instantly self evident but consider how deeply feelings of loss and pain can be felt when confronted with the stark reality of faith exposed to be untrue.
we all have myths that we hold dear, some we can live without challenging. others when exposed as false we simply create a new reality or myth to replace the original. but the event that causes real pain is when we are unable to accept the new reality, or incorporate the truth of the reality into ourselves. we simply go on and on believing long after the myth should be stripped away.
as children we are forced to give up our "imaginary" friends, which we are told is part of maturing; we are expected to replace these friends with “real” friends. when these "real" are exposed as myth, we are encouraged to quickly give them up much the same way as we did those from the simplicity of our childhood. the hard reality is that sometimes the more mature myths are harder to let go of. house is a portayal of this using chronic pain, addiction and suppressed longing as symbols of the suffering caused by losing myths. what humanizes this protrayal is that he appears to fully understand his situation, he may be crippled by the pain but it is what makes him house.
so why do we seem so set on creating, supporting and believing these myths. what would be the harm of simply living in reality and accepting the world as it actually is?
if we could accept the world for what it really is, there would be no need to create and hold onto myths in the first place.
my family suffered from religious entropy as i grew up. inter-sect marriage, inter-racial friends, inter-city lifestyle and intra-childhood divorce has taken its toll on the entire family’s ability to believe. this is true for my generation, but the next, that of the kids… they are living in a time where nearly all beliefs are openly challenged and the guilt of not believing is nearly eliminated.
one of my favorite television characters, one i have written about in the past, is dr. gregory house. house delights in attacking a cross-wearing or sabbath observing patient with statements questioning the reality of their “mythical friend”. i without being able to help it have smiled every time i have heard this. i have even been known to use the term myself while attempting to irritate, or is that instigate a response from, a friend who does still believe.
what has struck me is that house is alone, immerses his self in work, and focuses on building and supporting team he clearly likes even if he keeps his distance from them. house also has visible pain and dependency; both of which relate to loss, but i see them as metaphorical reminders of the loss of an earlier belief more than the loss of his thigh’s muscle.
who is the "mythical friend" house is really missing? is it one he cannot touch, or one he can no longer touch. the fact that religious symbols are tied into words like communion, or coming together with the myth, should not be over looked. the core element to most faith is the extension of membership to believers, believers who use faith to transcend doubt or lack of evidence. this is true in many relationships, those with religion which house states is a myth, and those myths which flow from relationships with a person who initially seems to be concrete, and can begin to take on the elements of faith to believe the mythical image.
does house's pain symbolize his lack of relationship with one of his personal mythical figures? if it does this clearly is commentary that the myths accepted by others must be as well. it may not be instantly self evident but consider how deeply feelings of loss and pain can be felt when confronted with the stark reality of faith exposed to be untrue.
we all have myths that we hold dear, some we can live without challenging. others when exposed as false we simply create a new reality or myth to replace the original. but the event that causes real pain is when we are unable to accept the new reality, or incorporate the truth of the reality into ourselves. we simply go on and on believing long after the myth should be stripped away.
as children we are forced to give up our "imaginary" friends, which we are told is part of maturing; we are expected to replace these friends with “real” friends. when these "real" are exposed as myth, we are encouraged to quickly give them up much the same way as we did those from the simplicity of our childhood. the hard reality is that sometimes the more mature myths are harder to let go of. house is a portayal of this using chronic pain, addiction and suppressed longing as symbols of the suffering caused by losing myths. what humanizes this protrayal is that he appears to fully understand his situation, he may be crippled by the pain but it is what makes him house.
so why do we seem so set on creating, supporting and believing these myths. what would be the harm of simply living in reality and accepting the world as it actually is?
if we could accept the world for what it really is, there would be no need to create and hold onto myths in the first place.
social lubricant
one of the strangest things about living in KL for me is the social climate which eliminates the need for alcohol. american kids, especially those growing up in an irish catholic community that were formerly the home of the navies northern fleet, and later became a premier tourist location for summer relaxation, grow up expecting there to be events driven by social lubricant.
contrary to the sense of abstention i am now used to, my former life was punctuated with regular use of liquid to grease the wheels. not former really, i have been away from KL for almost a full month now and in that time i have looked for something to offer a guest, only to find it was mysteriously, or not so mysteriously, missing. on another night, i sat for hours with friends i like, those i don’t like but trust and those i simply don’t trust but respect and talked work, sports, life and politics. the night came with a freedom that starts with the click a glass and is put back on track by offering to order the next round. a week later, i made a friend who offered a visit to tuscany, but who will never connect to keep that promise; no worries the conversation was worth the time. a week after that, i was enticed into stealing a fry, and a dip of mayo, from the next table just to prove that i had no filters.
each of these events was fueled by beverages meant to assist in the dropping of social barriers. these beverages helped to relax those talking and those not. they opened minds and helped conversations flow, they may have helped people who would otherwise have been too stressed to relax and enjoy into doing just that. why would an entire community, even those who are not bound by a separate standard of behavior, not want to engage in something that opens them up and allows thoughts, conversations and events flow freely.
i have come to understand that it’s not the beverage, but the freedom that causes the hesitation. i was in a group that told me, “its tradition to have a few drinks and tell off your boss, he knows what you think and he is not allowed to get mad… which is why it's good”. i have to agree, that is good. reality checks are a good thing, and if people can’t open up to help give a reality check to someone who needs it without assistance, then they deserve to have the courage (and cover) that social lubricant can provide. by eliminating that, everything is "on the record"; there is no “well he had a one too many” rationalizations.
malaysia is one of the stiffest places i have ever experienced. there is a culture of consumption, but it is not the consumption i was conditioned within. the older generation, the parents of my friends, tell stories of “everyone” going out together, walking home singing and coming over each other’s houses for parties. the fact that this comraderie this was lost, is right up there with encouragement of tudong and near elimination of form-fitting kebaya on the sad if not evil scale.
seriously, loosen up. life outside is so much more fun, it’s a plane ride a way, go find out and bring it back with you. imagine being able to have fun, speak your mind, get respect and not have to be fearful that someone was going to get upset and retaliate. if you can’t use the world’s social lubricant find your own… but you know certain things are standards because they work and they have been proven.
come to my house in the US, we will sit on the back porch, put something in the smoker, have a drink and rub our bare feet on the dog. if you can’t see the value and pleasure in that, if it doesn’t relax you and you can’t look at the trees and wonder why you ever tried to live any other way… well there is no hope.
you might as well just wait for durian season and admit that this is the way you really like it. to paraphrase animal house: separated, isolated and uptight is no way to go through life.
contrary to the sense of abstention i am now used to, my former life was punctuated with regular use of liquid to grease the wheels. not former really, i have been away from KL for almost a full month now and in that time i have looked for something to offer a guest, only to find it was mysteriously, or not so mysteriously, missing. on another night, i sat for hours with friends i like, those i don’t like but trust and those i simply don’t trust but respect and talked work, sports, life and politics. the night came with a freedom that starts with the click a glass and is put back on track by offering to order the next round. a week later, i made a friend who offered a visit to tuscany, but who will never connect to keep that promise; no worries the conversation was worth the time. a week after that, i was enticed into stealing a fry, and a dip of mayo, from the next table just to prove that i had no filters.
each of these events was fueled by beverages meant to assist in the dropping of social barriers. these beverages helped to relax those talking and those not. they opened minds and helped conversations flow, they may have helped people who would otherwise have been too stressed to relax and enjoy into doing just that. why would an entire community, even those who are not bound by a separate standard of behavior, not want to engage in something that opens them up and allows thoughts, conversations and events flow freely.
i have come to understand that it’s not the beverage, but the freedom that causes the hesitation. i was in a group that told me, “its tradition to have a few drinks and tell off your boss, he knows what you think and he is not allowed to get mad… which is why it's good”. i have to agree, that is good. reality checks are a good thing, and if people can’t open up to help give a reality check to someone who needs it without assistance, then they deserve to have the courage (and cover) that social lubricant can provide. by eliminating that, everything is "on the record"; there is no “well he had a one too many” rationalizations.
malaysia is one of the stiffest places i have ever experienced. there is a culture of consumption, but it is not the consumption i was conditioned within. the older generation, the parents of my friends, tell stories of “everyone” going out together, walking home singing and coming over each other’s houses for parties. the fact that this comraderie this was lost, is right up there with encouragement of tudong and near elimination of form-fitting kebaya on the sad if not evil scale.
seriously, loosen up. life outside is so much more fun, it’s a plane ride a way, go find out and bring it back with you. imagine being able to have fun, speak your mind, get respect and not have to be fearful that someone was going to get upset and retaliate. if you can’t use the world’s social lubricant find your own… but you know certain things are standards because they work and they have been proven.
come to my house in the US, we will sit on the back porch, put something in the smoker, have a drink and rub our bare feet on the dog. if you can’t see the value and pleasure in that, if it doesn’t relax you and you can’t look at the trees and wonder why you ever tried to live any other way… well there is no hope.
you might as well just wait for durian season and admit that this is the way you really like it. to paraphrase animal house: separated, isolated and uptight is no way to go through life.
Saturday, November 08, 2008
process driven
my blog entries normally start with a thought. they are things i am mulling over, processing in the back ground as the day goes on. as i consider, or obsess over, a thought i tend to land on a short title. this helps in categorization of the idea. it also lends a shorthand method of thought retrieval. these thoughts almost never come to the foreground to be truly pondered and considered until i sit down to write.
i have been travelling for a month now. i have been to three continents; 5 major cities. i have crossed oceans, moved coasts, missed conferences, written contracts, broken promises, made new friends and accepted that i don’t know loved ones. it’s been a long and tiring month. the thing is that i am more rested and comfortable now than i have been in a while. this year has been intense, exciting and amazingly draining on many levels.
sometimes it’s when you look up and see that you are still standing that you realize you are still in the game. even when you are bone tired, when you have your head down and are listening to your own breathing, thinking how can i keep this up… its then that you pick your head up and realize you are still on the field. better than just being there, you have your team around you and you understand that you can win.
the other thing that can happen is that you realize the other guys are more tired that you are. some may have already dropped out, others are ready to go at the first opportunity. this is where “schedule chicken” comes in; it’s where you have to prove that you can last long enough for them to blink. they might not actually be more tired, but if you hold it together you can win in the end anyway. the way you lose is to show them that you are tired, or to make a dumb mistake that gives them energy. look strong, even when you are tired.
none of my blogs are ever about what i am talking about, not entirely. thoughts are not singular, they are collections of threads. writing, music, art, sports, work, life are all built up over time. all of these are constructed piece by piece, thread by thread, play by play. my writing almost never ends up where i thought it would. life is not like that, it weaves and bobs.
the important thing is to know your requirements. writing for me is to allow me to complete those thoughts. it allows me the time and effort to bring them together and realize the pattern that the threads create. patterns are the things you need to watch, not the threads themselves. if you do watch the threads you lose patterns. pattern recognition, pattern appreciation, is the final skill of understanding.
let your process flow, allow it to take you where it wants to naturally. remember the path of least resistance, consider economy of energy, appreciate the elegance of simplicity. you might find that the threads lead you to a beautiful pattern.
i have been travelling for a month now. i have been to three continents; 5 major cities. i have crossed oceans, moved coasts, missed conferences, written contracts, broken promises, made new friends and accepted that i don’t know loved ones. it’s been a long and tiring month. the thing is that i am more rested and comfortable now than i have been in a while. this year has been intense, exciting and amazingly draining on many levels.
sometimes it’s when you look up and see that you are still standing that you realize you are still in the game. even when you are bone tired, when you have your head down and are listening to your own breathing, thinking how can i keep this up… its then that you pick your head up and realize you are still on the field. better than just being there, you have your team around you and you understand that you can win.
the other thing that can happen is that you realize the other guys are more tired that you are. some may have already dropped out, others are ready to go at the first opportunity. this is where “schedule chicken” comes in; it’s where you have to prove that you can last long enough for them to blink. they might not actually be more tired, but if you hold it together you can win in the end anyway. the way you lose is to show them that you are tired, or to make a dumb mistake that gives them energy. look strong, even when you are tired.
none of my blogs are ever about what i am talking about, not entirely. thoughts are not singular, they are collections of threads. writing, music, art, sports, work, life are all built up over time. all of these are constructed piece by piece, thread by thread, play by play. my writing almost never ends up where i thought it would. life is not like that, it weaves and bobs.
the important thing is to know your requirements. writing for me is to allow me to complete those thoughts. it allows me the time and effort to bring them together and realize the pattern that the threads create. patterns are the things you need to watch, not the threads themselves. if you do watch the threads you lose patterns. pattern recognition, pattern appreciation, is the final skill of understanding.
let your process flow, allow it to take you where it wants to naturally. remember the path of least resistance, consider economy of energy, appreciate the elegance of simplicity. you might find that the threads lead you to a beautiful pattern.
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