formerly athletic

i am on the beach, have been here for a week, and i have not gone for a swim.  today is the day, i am going to go down to the beach and swim out to the far buoy.   i can paddle around out there and then come back in.  as i come out of the water i will feel clean, and stressed.  not stretched to the limit, but warmed up and strong.  it will be a half a mile or so in the water, but i will feel better after doing it than i do before.  i know this because at one point i was actually athletic.

i still feel athletic.  i have a running machine in my office, a semi-stationary bike and an ergometer (rowing machine) at home in a converted bedroom.  it takes no more than a quick look to see that it wouldn't hurt if i used them more.  but when i do use them i feel good.  that athlete inside is happy to get out.  he is happy to be used, happy to be free and able to move.  he repays me by doping me up with endorphines when i really let him loose.  he makes me pay the price when i don't let him free, through creaky ankles and sore shoulders.

nine years ago, my brother had a heart valve replaced.  thickening walls of the heart had worn away a valve and a hole formed.  my younger brother was now a heart patient.  but i was doing triathlon with my teenage son.  i had just dropped serious levels of weight and was stronger than i had been since my early 20s.  i had not been this fit since before i was a software engineer.  becoming a developer, and having starbucks move to boston, were closely timed events marking the beginning of my athletic decline.

when i first got to malaysia i would wake up early every day on weekends.  i would strap on water bottles, and put on a hat to shade the early morning sun.  i would go for a loop in the expat neighborhood, and feel great as i climbed the hill back to the condo.  i needed to push the run, i was racing the heat as the sun climbed higher into the sky.  if i took too long, that last climb would literally be a hard steep incline inside a sweltering sauna.

but one saturday i didn't go for a run.  i asked myself why i was running.  there was no race coming up, and no one would notice if i didn't go.   i could snuggle in and go to the bakery later for a croissant.  thats what i did that weekend, and the next, and the next.  i had started on the downward slope, i let gravity take control and just let myself lean into the decline.  the pace picked up here and there, i reacted enough to steady the decline and level it out, but years had passed where stress, travel and dessert had taken their toll.

last week, my sister had a cough and went to see the doctor.  she was sent to the hospital, admitted and is now a heart patient.  there are follow up appointments planned, but the signals are pretty clear.  i need to get my ass out of bed in the morning and go for a run.  i need to ride my bike, row my ergo and swim to burn the weight off.  i would not call this a race for my life, but the melodrama could be a positive if it added to the commitment.

i knew this was coming, and started moving this last summer.  the athlete inside was demanding his time.  the little voice got to me before the email from home.  but the little voice was not strong enough to keep the trend going when travel and allergies kicked in.  now i have something else to use as motivation.  with two of the four siblings now heart patients, and stress-induced hypertension looming in the background, i do not want to be the next one to tip over into active cardiac care.  there is an element of sick competition in that statement, but it is always competition that drives me.

so maybe my sister at home is willing to race me.  her doctor is going to prescribe meds and suggest she get in shape.  she was also formerly athletic, not a member of as many sports or as driven maybe, but this is her chance to turn that around.  i could use the motivation, i need someone to race.  maybe she wants the challenge too.  i will let her pick the race, either we focus on the losing side, or we do a race of some sort.  i remember her as a sprinter.  400 meter run?  i might push for 800 meter. we can go to cardines field and go around the track.

if she doesn't take me up on this, well i am going to need to find another challenge for my inner athlete.  maybe the challenge will be to come out and become my outer athlete again.  the tides need to turn.  maybe i can coax him out and get him to stay around.  it's time to feel that hill again.  the stress of climbing it, the sweat cooling the body from the heat and carrying the former desserts out of their storage locations.

it is time to get my ass moving again.  let the active slacker take note, his days are numbered.  the athlete is coming out and he wants to get moving.

having reservations

i have been noticing more and more tables with reserved signs on them. it seems that all restaurants here were given their reserved signs by visa, because they use the same ones all over town. i walked into a popular dinner place last night and saw half the tables in the place with these signs, this morning it was the same for our coffee place. what is going on here, do we have a new trend going on in KL? this has always been a reserved town, but now more and more of the town has been set aside.

one of the things i have also noticed is that the expat-anglo community eats earlier than the local community. but the strange thing is that tables here are reserved from the start of a shift until the party comes. this translates to early eaters not being given a table because later eaters have called ahead. reservations are not completely unknown here the higher end places have always required them, and with the puasa season coming we will all be seeing more tables that are exclusive.

tables being reserved all night are based on two cultural elements. the first is the malaysian standard of all night lepak, once a group has a table they stay. even if they are not ordering food, they are comfortable to relax, using the table as a public meeting place. the second is that malaysians have trouble getting to meetings on time. this means if they agree to meet for dinner at 7, they might show up at 8 or even later. having restaurants run on western reservations would required people to both get there on time, and leave the table so the next guest can be seated.

when i first got to malaysia, i loved the linger at the table culture. it was nice to not be rushed, but it's not something i need every night. most nights, i would give up the ability to hangout at a table for the chance to be seated in the first place. in the west, you can ask for a table and agree to give it up later. they might tell you, "we need the table in 90 mins, if you can be done by 9, we can give you the table". if this works they squeeze you in.

but with the simple structures here, you are out of luck. the restaurants only have elementary scheduling, and much of the staff would not be able to negotiate or communicate a more flexible set of rules. there are other places to go, but if you really wanted that pesto-chicken sandwich and don't want to tau pow, you are simply out of luck.

why do more people seem to be making reservations? i think it's three-fold:

1. more people are eating beyond the hawker/mamak stalls
2. fewer people are willing to be told they have to wait
3. malaysia has yet to outgrown it's legacy of lepak

the first two points indicate a growing middle class, with the related bourgeoisie expectations. the third point does not mean people just want to hang out, it means restaurant owners are not yet willing to require tables to be turned multiple times a night. this will be coming when staff costs are raised by minimum wage. other changes that are on the way are socially-required tipping, and requiring guests to show up on time for a reservation. all of this is part of the exit from the third world, and the entry into the competitive environment of the first.

this morning, i walked into our favorite coffee place to see all the tables either taken or reserved. we looked at each other and started to discuss other places to go. we had been talking about the grilled blueberry muffins since we woke up but there was always formerly-favorite pancakes if we needed to go there.

the waiter was listening to us discuss options, he had a strange look on his face as he said, "do you want a table?". i said, "sure, if you can find us one". he took us to our favorite table and removed the reserved sign. we sat down and smiled as the owner came over to say hello.

i asked him how far ahead you need to call for reservations, he said, "a day ahead, but you can just come in." i smiled at him and said thanks. it's good to know you are a valued guest. this treatment will not be available everywhere. it was not expected, we saw the signs and prepared to leave. but it is good to make friends, and if they are willing to help you, then enjoy.

how did it happen? it might be related to already working under western rules; while others are acting like the world around them is not changing. moving economically westward puts the more western in a good place. if you treat staff well, leave when you are done and always leave a tip ... it pays off.

sometimes not having reservations about the first world is the best way to go.

too stressed

the past few days have been a discussion of the plan for today. after the driving adventures we have had on this relaxation quest, the fear of the coming trek had begun to leak onto the rest of the trip. we have asked those available, with little luck, and have used wikipedia and google maps to try to gauge the effort ahead. in the end a disconnected wire brought us back to the beginning and reset the course. how the wire got disconnected, is a case that will not be investigated. somethings are better left shrouded in assumption.

we are moved locations again today. leaving the flat shoreline for padi filled hills surrounding an art haven. this last step was a matter of saving the best for last. on previous trips i have never found my way to the little community in the hills, the promised heart of the arts, but i was looking forward to it. i have enjoyed the challenges of the previous moves, finding our way and negotiating the twists and turns. but i had to admit at times to being in full information overload.

the island roads are a mess. they seem to have been laid out with little or no planning. it is as though the entire road system grew organically, at a much earlier time. a time when there were no cars and the locations that people would eventually want to find were just distant places the path was never meant to connect someone to. the lack of a straight line is the most striking feature, it feels like you never go more than a mile without needing to take opposing 45 degree turns a few hundred meters apart. the right-left patterns to wind your way through a haphazard grid of paths between the buildings that surround the unplanned roads.

to add to the complexity of driving here, there are fully three traffic flows sharing the road. the first and heaviest is the motorcycle traffic. it both moves around and among larger vehicles when they are slowed for any reason, or stretches out to take the side of the road forcing the faster moving vehicles to cross the center lines to pass them. those larger and faster vehicles then make up the other two traffic flows.

i say there are two traffic flows, other than the constant swarm of motocycles, because cars and trucks mostly move at two different paces. the trucks being equally overloaded and underpowered, tend to meander only marginally faster than the motorcycles. this makes them the other hazard to be watched and passed by the passenger cars. cars being the most balanced in terms of power of the three types, spend most of their time either tucked into the flow of the trucks are wildly swerving from lane to lane, attempting to slip between the slower traffic to move forward. to get the image of what i am talking about we need to do an exercise.

imagine an ant colony on the move; a long line of insects moving at different paces, some carrying loads of leaves, with some crawling on, over or around others. note that some are stopped or moving backwards for no good reason. it appears to be complete chaos, but the colony appears to somehow be getting somewhere. now add other equally disorganized colonies also on the move, but they are moving across the path of first, a new messy line every few feet on the jungle floor. finally add some streetlights, signs of marginal utility, make the ants humans on economy-focused vehicles of different sizes and you have the picture. this is driving on bali.

now to that final picture add two foreigners with no idea where they are going, a jeep with a sensitive clutch and no music to calm the nerves, a GPS that points to major landmarks but nothing less, and a question on how challenging the roads are on the way to the art community in the hills. you might now understand the discussion on friday night. rather than continue the debate, i suggested a stop for coffee at my favorite grocery/deli on the island. a oasis of solitude i have written or coded in on prior trips; one that requires being frisked and having your bags checked for bombs by a guard with a machine gun. i left out those details, and hoped a good coffee would help calm the nerves.

with the jeep packed and ready for the next leg of our adventure, we found the GPS was not working. the power cord was broken, it had "come apart" overnight. a more suspicious person than i would have openly questioned how this had happened, but i was stopped as we drove towards the airport to replace the device or it's dubiously damaged power-cord. "do you want to see if we can return the car and get a driver? you are too stressed to drive here."

we had found our way. there were no fights, no strained words. there was little in the way of difficult silence. we had only been pulled over once, it was a check for papers not for speeding, and was let go when they saw my IC card. we had really never been totally lost, or without some form of direction, and after fixing the seat and getting full use of my legs the driving was much smoother. so, what was this "too stressed" all about? the explanation, genuine or not, did resonate with some truth. to boil it down, i am a type-A personality and in my self-driven focus on forward motion i was losing the spirit of the relaxed vacation get away.

to make a long story short, we returned the car, got a driver, went to the deli and then relaxed on the way into the hills. the driver knew the way to the resort and delivered us right to the lobby. it was the simple and easy approach. there was no stress over where we were going, there was no questions of direction and the crazy roads and weaving traffic was not an issue. i did feel a pang of regret that i didn't get to try and succeed. this was the easy way, i gave up the freedom of challenge to keep the peace and prove i was not a stressed out type-A. i proved i can take feedback and relax. there was no long discussion, the day was not impacted. this is a positive change once again; another chance to prove i have grown. but to be clear,

i watched as we drove, and know my own way for next time.

most alive

being away from your home country forces you to try to stay connected with the cultural events you are inherently missing. the superbowl was this week, other than having a raving packers fan in the office, and calling my son on the drive to the office on monday, i would never have know; or honestly cared. but other events and ideas happen back in the land of the free and i feel the pull of desire to share them. this is how i get pulled into reading articles on sites like good.is

living in malaysia takes away my ability to think about the best beer in each state, but i can read an article that maps the best beers of my home country. it points out that 78 percent of the beer sold in the US is produced by busch, coors and miller brewing companies, but the fact that we have a map with 49 great breweries, spread evenly across the country, does warm my heart. it also made me happy that smutty nose, harpoon, flying dog are all on the list, but gives me ideas for reasons to try new brews the next time i am back.

while i was reading the site today i saw the community discussion, when you do feel most alive? read the aswers that people left, they were great. those leaving comments were honest and open. talking about moments in life that are personal, but which do make them feel fully alive. this is something i miss about the US, those types of conversations, and here it is in an online forum.

as i read the article, i thought about it for myself. what moments make me feel fully alive?

the first thought was of driving in malaysian thunderstorms. speeding up the roads to KL, with rain sweeping over the road, other drivers making erratic lane changes and entering curves like those on the MEX or Sprint just a bit too fast for the conditions. in those moments, retaining control as the fear of slipping off the edge of the road kicks in. i feel a rush and then the relaxation that comes when the wheels straighten out and the stress passes. it's the moment after the near loss of control that feels the best, that is the moment of success.

this happens in other situations also. work, thankfully, has plenty of chances for almost crashing. last year while we were trying to go mobile, we had black screens of death, fears of apple rejection, risks of selected tools -- i felt alive and well. it reminded me that life is too short not to do the things that you love. the day the app went live, i was swimming in a private pool in thailand and i knew success was worth the effort.

the moments of life which are the best are those where i pushed into a risky situation, took a chance that others would shy away from, felt the pressure rise, felt the rush of excitement and the eventual relaxation when the pressure has passed. the moment some call "la petite mort", a short period of melancholy or transcendence as a result of the expenditure of the life force, is what makes me smile. it gives me joy and is worth the stress that brings it.

does this make me an adrenaline junkie? i don't jump out of airplanes, rob banks or other self destructive acts. but i would love to run with the bulls, want to surf really big waves again and tend to be dumb enough to take on a challenge for the pure enjoyment of doing it. i also have lived a life with enough excitement to know that it's the thrilling moments i must continue to have. those are the events i am craving almost unconsciously as i realize the speed has picked up and the roads are wet.

the slower moments, the comfortable times, enjoying the feeling of safety, softness and warmth are great, but the short, sharp shocks of life are the times i am most alive. can you imagine living life without those? many, many people do, they keep the speed down, the lid on and the doors closed because its safe. safe is what my mother told me i would not be if i kept climbing to the top of the tree so i could get my head above the leaves. i wanted to look around, she told me i was foolish.

she was right, the next day the branch i was standing on broke and i fell towards the ground. i bounced off of limbs as i crashed towards the ground. a larger branch broke my fall before i hit dirt. i was a 8 years old and i felt how close i had come to killing myself. i was scared and realized what i had done. i scared myself enough that i never went that high in that tree again.

i still remember how good it felt to have my head above the top of the tree's leaves, that bright sunny day when i went higher than anyone else, higher than they thought i could. the bruises were worth it, because i had lived. i know i am not going to climb a tree and get my head about the top today, but it feels good to have the memory and know i did it once.

i never told my mother i had reached the top, she would have beaten me for being successful, and how could that be a good idea.

choosing overachievement

we all have choices to make everyday. they can be big or small, some effect our lives, most just happen without us even noticing. humans are tuned to make choices quickly, sometimes so fast that the choice is made before we even realize we need to choose. this is a good thing when the choice is flee or fight, and the cause is a yet unseen predator. malcom gladwell wrote about this in blink, where he tried to get people to trust their instincts and just let choices happen. his point was that we get in trouble when we over-think the situations in front of us. i have been thinking about why someone would choose to be an over-achiever.

having found myself squarely on one side of the personality bell-curve, i don't really see it as a choice for achievement. it feels like "choosing" other things which there is really no choice in, like your sexuality. meaning for most people it is just a fact of who they are. the deeper personality traits they have are the driving force on achievement. does someone need to have control over their situation? are they willing to put in more than those around them to have a higher return on their investment? are they willing to "do what it takes" rather than simply "try to do it".

having never felt overly motivated, i grew up thinking i was a slacker. i was a crossing-guard (think outdoor proctor) in the 5th grade, and had no idea that other kids saw this as immediate access to the teachers pet group. i played sports almost every season, and was a life-guard as soon as i turned 16. i got my job on the beach by assisting on a save while there to interview; literally jumping in when asked. i selected my college because someone told me i couldn't get accepted; and if i did i would fail out. i became a developer because a consultant lied to me and i wanted to make a point. all of these things just happened, i never went out looking for them, they were just part of my day and i went with it. every single one were steps that led me to where i am right now.

i have also noticed that most of my good luck happens immediately following a failure of some sort. a few years ago i probably could have climbed into a bottle an drowned myself without anyone being surprised. instead i asked for a job i didn't know i wanted. i allowed the emotional response to make me move, but for the direction to be positive rather than destructive. but it wasn't a choice, i never sat down and thought about it, it just happened the way it felt like it should.

so why did gladwell get to write a book on this subject? because people have been conditioned to think things through after a round of requirements gathering and analysis. the idea is that if you are not careful you will make mistakes. but look at all the people out there who did just that, they were careful and they planned. they made decisions that made sense, and they thought were the things they wanted. look at them now, they are miserable and they make the people around them miserable in the process.

good thing they had a list and made sure the dotted the i's and crossed the t's. the issue is people don't know, or more likely accept, who they really are. their inability to be honest blocks their ability to choose in a rational way. so they choose in an irrational way. they choose in a way that can not work, because it's based on a hope rather than reality. they hope they, or someone next to them, are someone they are not. or they hope no one else will not find out what they already know.

not everyone is built for over-achievement, and trying to act like they are is a great way to be miserable. but there is a corollary, not everyone is built for under-achievement either, and it is just as bad to try to believe that you are a bohemian slacker with average prospects when you are anything but. what you need to do is admit who and what you are, and then just go with it.

life is about accepting who you are. if you are over thinking it, try to blink.

running down

i realized something about myself this week.  i was trying to explain why i liked running so much.  i was in my office and had just gone 25 minutes, hard running after taking months off.  i was tired from the effort of pushing myself, i was dripping with sweat and i was content with the post-exercise euphoria i feel after beating on myself.  i tried to explain that people do the things that make them feel good, but as i was saying it i knew that wasn't really true for everyone.  running, cycling, swimming all give me the chance to push myself, and the harder it is to push myself the more i enjoy it.  the person i was talking to clearly didn't understand that need, and that's how i realized that what is good for me is not good for everyone.

i have a running machine in my office.  i bought it about a year ago because i wasn't finding the time to run.  when i first got to malaysia i would run during the late afternoon and on weekends.  as time as passed, late afternoons seem to be consumed with other things and on weekends i just want to have a pancake or be in a cafe with internet connection.  the heat and thunderstorms here have also limited my running.  it seemed like there was always something in the way; i had begun to wonder if it was just an excuse for not doing the right thing.  so i took bonus money and paid twice what i should have for the ability to run inside my office.  right after making the purchase, i took busy to a all new level and found more excuses for not running.

some people are very good at living so they never need to recover.  i am amazed by the people who never seem to gain weight.  they keep a rational and long-term view of life and make choices to ensure they never need to fix a problem they have created.  i on the other hand have a tendency to concentrate on the most pressing few items, and ignore the issues that can be dealt with later.  i also have the ability to indulge indulgence.  as i type i am enjoying a strangely formed carrot cake.  baking is an uncommon act in asia.  most houses do not have proper ovens, most kids do not grow up watching grandma make a cake for family events.  my carrot cake is more of a cooked pudding base, somewhere between cookie dough and steamed dumplings served as dim sum.  the fact that it tastes like carrot, has nuts and is topped with sour cream frosting makes it all the more odd.  the second fact, that i don't really like even good carrot cake is the an insight into the fact that i am eating it anyway.

as my weight has drifted upwards over the past few years i have worried about it enough to first buy an exercise bike for my apartment, then a treadmill for my office.  both have been used, but work has come first.  the weight has stablized, which was probably what i was after.  getting any heavyer would take away my ability to rationalize the belief that i am still athletic, losing the weight has never been the primary goal in my life.  work has comes first, relaxing in a cafe, writing or re-watching comfort DVDs has come before going out for that run that i know i should want.  i thought i simply didn't want it enough.  doing the right thing could wait for tomorrow; today it was okay to relax and enjoy being on or off.

but a few things have changed.  i went for a run in the rain a few weeks ago and realized how much i enjoyed it.  i liked the feeling of pushing myself, i liked covering the ground and feeling tired at the end.  i decided i wanted this more than i wanted to write, sleep or veg out in front of the TV.  i felt a new phase beginning, the desire has returned.  i also have an old friend who has challenged me to try something new.  this has given me a goal with needs to be met.  being publically judged brings this into focus as we motivate each other to win.

this is not the first time i have done this.  as i explained my love of pushing myself, i realized that i am just not good in maintenance mode.  i love to build, not to maintain the status quo.  personally this can come across as neglect; if not neglicance.  i am willing to have that peice of cake and ignore the need to burn it back off.  one peice is followed by another, until the task looks too big to fix.  but this is when the job looks interesting to me.  burning off one peice of cake is easy.  burning off a years worth is much harder, and for me a better and more interesting challenge.

when working i can go hard for long periods of time.  i can work while i am sick, i can push while i am tired.  i can crank out a project and do it faster than anyone expects; i can also do the same thing with myself.  i can push to fix something much better than i can work to not let it get broken in the first place.  some of my best memories are of beating myself into shape.  i proudly remember losing 15 lbs in five days.  i was playing football, and had not prepared for the coming double sessions.  the week of intensity that prepared the team mentally and physically.  i came out of that week almost 10% less than i went in, and i loved the experience.  i also remember almost blacking out from effort and being unable to walk without pain, but i kept going.

a few years ago i spent a spring and summer experiencing loss.  it started at the top and worked its way deep into every part of me.  people worried at the cause, and were afraid to ask.  i told myself that i was working to avoid future loss, but i was really just tired of being tired.  i needed to be able to move again, i had built up too much inertia and needed to break free.  the opportunity cost of being static outweighed my ability to grow.  the pendulum had swung, and the feeling of racing to the bottom of the arch was almost as good as that of pushing the last few strokes to come to the top.  the prize was not what i expected, in the end moving again only reminded me how much i enjoyed the act of movement.

things have changed again, i feel it.  i ran every day last week; something i haven't done for over a year.  my boss called friday night after 6:30 PM, i answered my phone on the third right, out of breath.  he asked if i was exercising, i said yes and realized i had a smile on my face.  when he asked if i was still in the office, i said yes again and smiled even wider.  it feels good to be back in rebuiling mode.  running myself down means something different this year than last.  i am sleeping well, i am exercising and i have a goal.  

i remember my last losing summer, but it's behind me.  it's time to spring back into shape by running myself down again.  this is what i have been waiting for all along, a challenge that was worth pushing myself hard enough to feel the pain.  

no really

at the start of the year, three people told me they are making new years resolutions. every one of them has vowed this is the year they would do the same thing as all the others, "find work life balance". last year i vowed to learn to play the blues guitar; buying yet another bloody guitar, on the last day of the year, was less than an optimum outcome for that goal. maybe i need another way to look at this?

i was reading a book on using data to drive decision making. "super crunchers" as a good title to catch my eye during the pre-flight book selection process. the book was interesting, but i was hoping for math or technical sides to data analysis and presentation. the audience it targetted less at data architects and more social scientists. that's fine, i have a poli-sci educaton and my work is more about people than systems right now anyway.

in the final chapter the author makes a strained connection from the book to a website he and his friends had created. i found the conversation out of context, but none the less interesting. stickk.com is all about making and keeping your resolutions. the site and new years came together in time. maybe using technology would help in the success of resolutions, the simple idea is that you should commit to the goal, and have someone monitor you. if you like, you can then put your money where your mouth is, put a "contract on yourself" and pay off when you inhale the nicotine you know you are addicted to (or slip on whatever front you know you will slip on).

the site says:

i like the idea, i need goals which are easy to messure, and a data guy building a website to track process on decisions makes alot of sense to me. i like working against MBOs or KPIs that are simple and direct to measure. so, resolutions like:

• exercise more
• learn to play music
• do things i enjoy

are just not strong enough for me. what does "more" mean anyway. "almost never" is "more" than "never" right? given where i have been for the past 8 months, it wouldn't take much to do things "more" than i have been.

so what about resolutions like:

• lose 20 lbs
• run a 10K race
• read at least 2 books every month
• write code and a blog every week
• learn one song on guitar a month, prove it by playing it in public

these are much easier for me to measure and know that i am either failing or succeeding at. i am almost a month into the resolution season. i have done little or nothing on any of these. i started this blog 24 days ago, i have not been able write anything other than email and reviews in three weeks. i have run once, i haven't cycled or swam in months, i have picked up one of my guitars three times, no new songs have been learned.

i have a break for the next few days. as you can see i am writing. it feels so good to have the words flow again. i was sitting in a cafe yesterday and read a best life article that argued eating chocolate before a workout helped the author both exercise harder and to eliminate writers block, something about the endorphines and mood alteration. eating chocolate to improve exercise might sound counter-intuitive, but "eat fat to lose fat" worked for me better than anything ever has.

if this year is going to become unblocked and is going to have some balance, i am going to need to try some solutions that seem counter-intuitive. i may also need someone to monitor me in a stickk way. i am going to need to let go of work-life balance, and work on the KPIs. last year's goals were written this year during review season. this years goals need to be written now.

looking back and reviewing myself on the actual accomplishments is not the way for me to succeed. it might bring a good review on paper, but it was not the success i wanted, just the one i ended up with.

so the bullets above are my resolutions for this year, who whats to monitor?

personal best

i was talking to a friend yesterday. it was a day that we were both taking it slow, getting away from work and just recovering from the past few months. we were discussing work, society, opportunity and design. he wants to take more on, and i want to see him grow. knowing there is potential and that pushing forward will get you there is really important to a type-A personality. during the conversation i started to wonder when it was that i came to the reality that continuing to work even when you are far behind is worth it.

i came up with 7th grade. the year i joined the track team, the time that i learned that you are not running against your competition, but you are running against yourself and the clock. to admit this in the kindest manner possible, i was not a natural runner when i started. i am a swimmer and a cyclist by nature, these are the sports i enjoy. sure both make me wonder if i am going to die at times, being a half mile off shore, with waves breaking over my head and realizing that i am too tired to make it back to the beach does bring the reality of drowning front and center. i haven’t drowned yet, my chest hasn’t exploded climbing a hill, but i do wonder at times.

when i started running track the pain of 440s over and over was brutal. i wanted to quit, i wanted to give up because it was just too much effort for something was supposed to be fun. but i decided to stay one more week. i had friends next to me; they would smile when i crossed the line not laugh, the smiles kept me there. a few weeks later i realized i was getting better, my times were dropping and i was getting ahead of my friends. the ability to improve took the pain away, now the pain was worth it because as i got better the pain came with winning. i learned that winning takes the pain away.

over the years i have done other sports, some i was a natural at they fit my personal mix of size, speed and pain tolerance. i have done individual sports and team sports. i have done sports for myself and for others. i have enjoyed some, and hated a few, but other than wind surfing i have never really given up without trying hard enough to learn to enjoy them. (i can sail, i can surf, i can’t do them at the same time)

the way i have done this is to accept that sure, i suck at this sport. it hurts, and i am not enjoying this right now. but if i give up i will never get good at this. if i keep going i will get a little better than i am now, and i can call that a victory. using the personal best method, i can measure myself and then work to beat that. forget about the other guy, most of the time he is happy he is in the lead and will think it’s his place to own. if i focus on him, i keep losing. if i focus on me… i can win almost every time, until i get to the point where i am closing in, that’s when i can change the focus and make him the personal best goal.

i said yesterday that malaysia needs to have its kids doing track and field. track is a simple sport, cheap as shorts, t-shirt and sneakers; easy to do in warm climates. i had visions of malaysians crossing the finish line in boston; arms up in victory. the nigerians made distance running their sport, they proved that hot and dusty countries that have limited resources and smaller kids who need a sport without contact can excel at track.

i was also thinking the country would benefit from teaching its kids that competition is useful, that pushing through the pain, that being measured by a clock are good things. if you’re not willing to measure yourself, how can you get any better? there is no way to improve against the clock if you don’t have a clock running. being as good as you are, and being happy with that just means that you can never compete outside your little comfortable world.

i listened to my daughter this morning excited that her picture was in the local newspaper. she is on the front-page for swim team. i remember the first season that she swam, long ago in her youth. she wanted to quit because she thought she wasn’t any good. we explained it wasn’t that she needed to be good, it was that she needed to enjoy it. she has grown up over the years, and has moved from lane to lane improving every step along the way. she told me about a race where she was against two swimmers who made regional; she got lapped and came in third but she was happy with that.

she was making a point that the team the two swimmers were from was very good. she said, “do you know their team record for the 500 free?” . i paused and answered, “4:40”. she paused and said, “4:44, how did you know that, you were only off by 4 seconds”. she wanted to know if that was my personal best. i laughed, not even close.

but i used to swim and i know what “good” swimmers can do. i don’t need to beat them, i just need to close the gap.