asian quietness

i have been in asia for 4 years. four years is enough time to graduate high school, it is enough time to graduate college, its more than enough time to graduate a masters program. but, i am not sure if four years is long enough to watch a culture and try to figure it out. it’s never really the big things, but the little ones that make me wonder like this. i am not saying i have not learned to read a situation, but sometimes i wonder if i will ever really understand.

last week i was reading a contract and discussing modifications. most of the language was completely boilerplate, and could have been written by anyone who had globally been educated to write the boringly board language of legalese. some of the language was definitely not standard, it was identifying. it had clearly been written by a dry member of one asian group. i made a comment, and with a telling smile the nicely mixed vendor told me i had read it correctly. reading between the lines has become simple.

seeing in line is also simple. this afternoon i was driving to a drink and took a side road to avoid jalan bangsar rush hour jam. a little left, right, left move that can avoid 15 minutes of creeping. as i approached the last turn i saw a small car ready to make the same left move. i took my foot off the accelerator, expecting to simply slow and swing around the corner. but the car in front came to a complete stop, and then hesitantly waited, and waited, and waited for a wide open opportunity to continue.

other than guessing gender by pony tail, i could not see the driver. but i did not need that to know that she was brought up in another malaysian group. there was no sense of absent-minded privilege or needless drive to prove direction, there was only the ability to sit and wait for the safe next move. i considered swinging around at the first and second option to move, but i waited until my predecessor crept out so i could quickly move forward and past.

these situations happen all the time. i am able to anticipate and accept situations as they come up. but this past weekend i was in a situation that i could not come to terms with. as i quietly sat and considered it, i bubbled with a need for explanation. finally i burst all self control and stood up demanding, “why are you people so quiet. don’t you understand this is supposed to be fun?”

i was in the office on a saturday night, finishing months of work which i had not been involved in. we were releasing to the internet and had staff globally ensuring we were stable. this is a bi-monthly exercise in tension, it’s the time you need to move the fastest, but it started with bags of food and snacks; something to keep the energy up. but the asians (from malaysia, india, iran and egypt (not asian but on the border)) sitting with me did not seem to be enjoying it, they were sitting as quietly as any other day showing no visible sign of enjoyment.

my solution was simple, i found music on my portable drive, copied to my sadly tunes absent laptop and began to play it as loud as possible. the weak dell speakers were adding to my sadness when i realized a set of speakers passed down through three moves back to the US were sitting in an empty office. i went to hunt them down and plugged them in. garbage, offspring, lenny kravitz and radiohead were my bass pulse for the next few hours, it helped my spirits and made me feel like i was sitting in a US development group, where people enjoy success and loudly wait for opportunities to work, something i don’t experience here.

most of them appeared to ignore the night’s soundtrack; i saw one guy open up a little and smile, but no one swayed to the music, sang or even discussed the bands. one near-westerner did say “cool” on an IM, a suppressed support for the chance to find enjoyment in life; quietly hidden in the need to be proper.

maybe i should have found a way to understand this by now, but i just can’t do it. life needs a soundtrack, death is quiet. i still don’t understand how this can be confused.

/************

at least i would have thought someone picked up on the fact that each person who owns these speakers ends up getting moved to the US to work... now let's see who is next. but, then again none of those people were ever quiet.

*** and ***

the only workplace i can think of that has the beat of life i miss from us development communities is the borneo ink shop of my recent scaring. no wonder i keep thinking about going back, they have the life i am missing.

************/

shyness is nice

sometimes you realize you just have a different world view.  growing up half a world away, being older and more weary than most of the people around you, and having completely different music in your head can show you how true this is.  have you ever found yourself singing a song in front of someone and realizing they have never heard it? the person listening in may never have heard the band or song, they have no idea the singer was influential in your life, or the generation you came to age within.

this just happened to me, i am sitting at a table in a crowded cafe.  there are people all around me, there is music playing over the noise of conversations, kitchen sounds and staff saying "hi, good afternoon" as people walk past the front.  i heard a song this morning, and went to wikipedia to look up the band, that led to youtube and the song again.  the smiths are one of those seminally important bands for a kid that grew up in a preppy town, attended a preppy college and found alternative music during the anti-alternative years of the reagan administration.

the sounds of morrissey's lyrics and johnny marr's guitar are both haunting and comforting when they are viewed from the time and distance of maturity.  the intelligence of the prose were mulled over so many nights ago; they came at a time when life had a narrowness that was just beginning to be opened by books.  they are now viewed by experience.  a song like cemetery gates with lyrics that invite you to come together with

A dreaded sunny day, So I meet you at the cemetery gates

Keats and Yeats are on your side, While Wilde is on mine

is perfect for the liberal arts major who is being shown the classics for the first time.  gone are the pop artists of youth, the world of substance is opening.  with it you find a band that makes you feel that intelligence and passion are both allowed and normal.

now add to that songs like girlfriend in a coma, that taps onto an emotion that anyone going through early adulthood will have felt, 

Girlfriend in a coma, I know, I know - it's really serious

There were times when I could have "murdered" her

(But you know, I would hate, Anything to happen to her)

i can remember singing this as loud as possible in my dorm room, feeling the depth of the emotion, enjoying the fact that someone else could feel it just as clearly as i did.  that someone in the world had put a voice to the emotion.  i have sang this same song again over the years, but maybe never as loud.

other songs just make me smile, no matter how many times i have head the words i break into a grin and love the fact that morrissey could be comfortable enough to record some girls are bigger than others.  the oblivious to shame song that starts:

From the ice-age to the dole-age

There is but one concern I have just discovered :

Some girls are bigger than others

Some girls are bigger than others

Some girl's mothers are bigger than other girl's mothers

and then ends with the offer of a lifetime:

Send me the pillow ..., The one that you dream on ...

Send me the pillow ..., The one that you dream on ...

And I'll send you mine

songs like this can make you feel good even at times when you might need to be more guarded and aware of your surroundings.  like driving back from a late afternoon family gathering when you reach for the volume button to turn up the beat to sing along with the band.  it is common for the kids to hear morrissey's lyrics; they have grown up with them.  most of the car sings along as a happy reflex, done without a second thought; until you realize the kids have been joined by your mother in-law.  she is sitting behind you and is clearly wondering why you and your nine year-old daughter are so happily crooning these lyrics of comparison.

but the song that made me smile today was ask.  i am close to sure it is one that the pretty chinese girl sitting next to me had never heard before.  the half turned head with the hidden smile, one meant to not be shared with her lunch mate, was just for us.  the words that had come from my laptop where:

Shyness is nice and shyness can stop you

From doing all the things in life you'd like to

i did not understand this song when i first heard it so long ago.  i needed to see more of the world, to meet more people with different world views.  doc savage was trying to teach us about the world he had seen, but we were unable to grasp what he was saying.  even with the smiths to back up his stories, we didn't have the experience or openness to accept the message.  as i look over and see a smile, so many years later, the next verse comes across so clearly:

Coyness is nice and coyness can stop you

From saying all the things in life you'd like to

holiday blues

so, is this what it feels like to really be relaxed.  is it supposed to feel this strange and foreign?  i am in a country where the language is 98.7% compatible with my native dialect.  i can understand everyone as they speak, at most it's no more than two "excuse me"s to come to comprehension; and then accept that our common language has its limits.

i am feeling great, the climate, cuisine and culture are working for me.  my upper back is cramped and a massage, hot tub and breathing exercises are not helping.  i am starting to think that it's the lack of stress has just become too much for me.  i feel like the door on an airplane which developed micro-fractures from the continued take offs and landings of life without proper maintenance.  i can hear a former boss saying, "this is the week you are going to snap"  but, the answer is still the same, "not now, not ever".  i will not explode over the the ocean and allow passengers to be sucked out into free fall.  

explosions happen when you quickly depressurize, i have come in slowly; this week is easing me into focus with my inner bohemian.  today is a rainy-day on a beach vacation; and i am beyond happy with the weather. it allows me sit in cafes all day and feel zero guilt over feeling zero guilt.  i just need a way to sustain the holiday vibe long after pendulum has swung back to the real world point of imperfect-balance.  

i walked into a guitar store this morning.  i have been thinking about the travel guitar i almost bought in AMS.  i knew there was no way i would find an item like this in a place that has no traffic lights, but i went in anyway.  stu, my new scots/aussie musical guru, first suggested a hand-made mandolin as the perfect travel companion.  but i picked up an electric guitar and drunkenly stumbled through a 12-bar blues.

he read where i wanted to go, took the guitar and showed me how to get there.  the lesson had me feeling good about building a skill i failed to acquire 30 years ago. i was locked in when he said, "it comes from inside, don't try to push this in with a book, feel it from inside and you will have it".  i have a new guitar and amp, let the other guests in the hotel beware, the worst blues man on the planet has moved in. true blood disk 4 and my little black electric will be my sober new years celebration.

so here is the way i will keep balanced.  i have come down a long winding road, i have ended up on an empty beach and have realized i could have the blues.  the economist i read on the plane explained "why we love music".  the thesis was that, like language (which it may be related to), it's evolutionary for us to have music.  if darwin and stu are right, the blues are within me, i can simply open up and let them out.  it's funny though; opening up is not always the most natural thing for me to do.

no pressure, this is holiday and letting the blues out is the release i need.

silent destiny

i said in a recent post that when i have random thoughts, i translate them to a title and the title stays with me until i get around to converting randomess to strongly-typed bits. i have been watching one random thought for months; but, during the {dry season} this summer i simply never found the time to let those bits flow. events have silenced the destiny of those bits, and brought a new direction of thought.

the story begins while driving (many, many times) to the office. i live with my ipod connected to me. it is a requirement for all trips; auto, aero or other. 80 gig, silver and filled with my music and photos. the thought of a trip without this companion compares to pondering life on a deserted island; pangs of lose and separation are felt at the mere consideration.

while mobile i tend to do the ipod shuffle; allowing apple’s engineers to randomly* select a play list. the little silver surfer picks the tunes as space and time move. i am amazed at how well they select the next song for my listening pleasure. in fact, i have noticed that on days when the selections on the trip to the office are especially good, the day tends to progress in a positive way. in contrast, when the frequency of hitting “next” increases, the events of the day go spiraling toward the desire to fast forward.

i have mentioned to people that i have been following the trend, and most of them appear to be skeptics. not a surprise, as i am a skeptic on most stories of premonition also. i recently heard a story of a fortune-teller who “predicted” the big easy hurricane. i smiled and did not point out that historically it was not much of a stretch to predict the southern US would be struck by a storm. there are yearly stories on prime-time news shows predicting the same; normally timed just before storm season. also, the described “premonition” had all the specific clarity of nostradamus.

but in this case, i have watched the trends and i am convinced of a correlation. i am not making a judgment on causality, just that there is a relationship between the two patterns. months ago, i was driving and considering this; and created of the title “ipod destiny”. i was smiling and in the process of imprinting the title for later recovery during the quiet gap between songs. i listened to the next song start, it was one i did not remember hearing before. i picked up my friend and looked to see what she had selected for me, as the soulful tones of lenny kravitz’s voice were recognized i read the title “destiny”. {spooky!}

i had just told someone about my ipod destiny and i was remembering the the smiles it brought. i was also looking forward to my drive into the office and the new day. as i turned the key i asked myself, how do you think the driving music (and the day) will go? considering the answer, i picked up my shimmering friend and hit the play button.

no response. i looked closer and saw the empty battery graphic. my friend must have continued to play songs as i slept, and the battery was now empty. no music; i was going to drive in silence. but, always ready to analyze, i questioned what were the implications of this? if good/bad music brought a good/bad day, what would no music at all bring in the day to come? a feeling of loss was replaced by a sense of foreboding.

as someone who watches and lives within patterns, here was a new data point. new can be exciting and enjoyable, or it can be scary and troubling. life is all about change, but surprises and things that don’t work are only sometimes found to be the best course. i drove in silence, and imprinted the new title.

as usual when i hit an issue, i have come up with a plan b. the silver ipod will be replaced in the car with its darker cousin i currently have stuffed into my guitar bag. i am not investing the personal time to improve my music skills, i might as well use the other ipod lower the risk profile of future silent driving. i will now have access to two friends, when one is found silent and empty, the other will take over and provide the songs of the day.

but, i need to resist the temptation to swap before emptiness. i cannot make a change as soon as the pattern goes negative. i doubt this will be an issue for me. there is always the hope that a quick replacement will bring you back to positive. but i understand the reality. when dealing with destiny, doing a replacement will not change the outcome. it will simply mean you have two things that need to be tracked, updated and filled when empty.

you cannot change your destiny, it doesn't matter if it's good, bad or "silent and empty".

/**************************************************************

my silver ipod sits charging while i write this post. the drive home will be filled with my music. now i just need to remember to turn it off when i get there.

* there is an internet debate over the randomness of the shuffle, belief is that favoritism is used to improve the musical selections. i will ignore the debate, and simply say ‘shuffle me baby’.

if apple knows to put luscious jackson, burnside and frank black together than i say 'why be random'.

*******/

merging sounds

i sitting in a café and copying from external to internal to external again. it’s a drone like task, but it is all my fault and it’s kind of interesting. the music that we carry with us through our lives, on our hard drives, on our ipods, inside our heads are markers of who we are. they are a view into our own personal rhythms and into our past. my collection is filled with movie soundtracks, the blues, cuban, alternative and diverse singers like elvis costello, lyle lovett and chris isaak who have deep lyrics matched with deep voices.

a few weeks ago i was surfing , looking for music buy while in the US. as part of the search i entered “fat possum” and got to “the black keys”. using an internet search engine to find a new artist is fun, but it feels modern; and coldly distant. there was a time when finding new music meant acquiring new friends. i can remember back to albums and eight-tracks, but for me the finding new music was flipping through a strange CD collection and swapping discs to hear the music. if there was bonding, a tape would be made. tape making was a way to show a new friend you cared enough to share your tunes. it could also show that you cared enough to understand their tastes. i still have tapes friends made for me many years ago (mace thanks for the surf punks).

i used another element of the internet to reach out to a friend i thought would like the cool new band i had found. his response was, “yeah cram turned me onto them, he told me "dark helmet" got him hooked him on them”. shock and confusion… that one sentence touched on three friends i had made in three separate companies over the past 8 years. they are also people who lived worlds apart and who have actually all been brought together by connections directly through me. the shock was that these connections did not extend their music to me, but had resulted in them sharing an artist i was left having to search for myself.

that conversation set off the following chain of events; another IM sharing the pain of not being included in the sharing, a core dump of bits to a little black box, the bits being tossed in a bag and schlepped on a world-wind tour because the time to review, categorize, filter and copy has not bubbled to the top. i am now staring out a window on a world half a planet away and merging an entire history of a friend’s musical life with my own.

better than that, i am finding clear signs of prior dumps and merges which have happened. i can see history of multiple friends who have formed a very comprehensive and special collection of bits. the bits have now created a situation where the sum of the parts are more than the original set could ever have been. imagine taking the memories of your friends and merging them into yours. clearly having an obsessive organizer, a crazy architect, a musician and a larval-stage TLA junkie mixed into my head is an interesting proposition.

it does prompt a few thoughts though. just how much tape would it take to hand 100+ gig of music to someone on cassette? and, who is going to take the time to create the playlist we will listen to the next time we get into a pub for drinks. actually, here is an interesting thought: this group of friends has never once been physically together. we are sharing our memories and although we have worked, eaten, drank and smiled together, we spend much more time virtually connected than we do phyisically close to each other.

how am i ever going to find the time to listen to all this music? i need someone to make me a tape so i know what to focus on first.