be better

i have been a grumpy bastard for much of 2013.  not every day, not all the time, but enough that i am sick of myself on a semi-regular basis.  i realized this morning how close i am to the end of the year, and that this is a good chance to do something about the self-loathing.  i need to make myself some promises for the coming year.  next week a new year begins and i need a framework to work towards my goal.

some points to note.  i almost never make new years resolutions.  they seem forced and fake, picking something to do to change yourself ... yeah right.   if you wanted to be that way, wouldn't you be already?

people choose things that they have always wanted to do and have never done.  "write a novel" ... when you have no history of writing is a pretty big jump.  they have no idea of the time and effort the resolution would take because they have never done anything like that... any resolution you make while blind to the effort it takes is destined to fail.  rule #1, nothing you haven't done before.

people also choose things they don't really enjoy.  a smoker who has smoked for 20 years should not be thinking about giving up smoking; unless there is something else they want even more ... like living after their second heart attack and signs of lung cancer ... then again, if they really love to smoke, leave them alone, they love it, and have been looking at the pictures on the pack for long enough to have thought about what their lungs look like ...  rule #2, pick things you actually enjoy (or have strongly enjoyed in the past).

what about having failed at it in the past ... i have an issue here, i have decided to lose weight before, last year in fact, not at new years -- it wasn't a resolution, it was a plan... and i failed, miserably ... self-delusion is the driver for too many when they make their resolutions, they just don't appreciate the limits of their ability to change.  rule # 3, try to not make the same resolutions you have made and failed at the past.  if you do repeat, find a way to change them to make them achievable.

the other thing people do is take on too much at one time.  the ability to get through something difficult is both the strength of conviction, and the level of strain someone is under.  get someone stressed, or tired, and will goes out the window.  comfort behavior kicks in, and the bad comes on like a warm blanket ... so, don't take on too much.  allow yourself rest and reward between stressful events ... rule #4, don't over due your commitment.

sounds good right?  i have clearly given this thought and do know how to set reasonable goals... i need to find things i really enjoy, i have been successful with before, focus on the ones that will really make me happy and make them achievable both in number and scale...

and in that vein i have decided to go with 10 changes, the first two are elements of the same goal of getting my fat-irish-ass back to a shape other than round.  the others support other themes.

1. exercise almost every day (run a 10K by the end of 2014)
2. eat to live, instead of live to eat  (lose 50 lbs in 35 weeks)
3. use kanban to plan work and home
4. use moleskine to-do to track days
5. actively code
6. call all three kids 3 times a month
7. call mom once a month
8. motorcycle at least once a week
9. travel to focus on sanity
10. be sociable, delay the misanthrope tendencies

you don't like that, you think that is too many things to focus on?  maybe i need to be more selective and find achievable goals.  these are too tactical for you, huh?  hmmmm, lets summarize these up into their themes.

• get fit
• be a better manager
• be a better father/son
• relax and enjoy life

yeah, i didn't go with a list like this in the first place because of the lack of SMART goals.  this is the middle of review season, and goals are due in a week or two, how can i go with a summarized list that doesn't give me a structure to measure against ... the original list of 10 each had fine grained steps below them, steps that were suppressed for brevity ... that was a good thing right ...

you want more brevity?  now that we are summarized to themes you don't really care about any details ... these themes are all about one thing; driving the grumpy bastard down the road. 

if you don't care about the details at all, you just want a single simple goal.  how can i boil this down to something concise... 

okay, here this is it:

• be better 

that is a goal we could all embrace for 2014.  you do your part, i'll do mine and we can get together at the end of the year and see how we have done.

formerly athletic

i am on the beach, have been here for a week, and i have not gone for a swim.  today is the day, i am going to go down to the beach and swim out to the far buoy.   i can paddle around out there and then come back in.  as i come out of the water i will feel clean, and stressed.  not stretched to the limit, but warmed up and strong.  it will be a half a mile or so in the water, but i will feel better after doing it than i do before.  i know this because at one point i was actually athletic.

i still feel athletic.  i have a running machine in my office, a semi-stationary bike and an ergometer (rowing machine) at home in a converted bedroom.  it takes no more than a quick look to see that it wouldn't hurt if i used them more.  but when i do use them i feel good.  that athlete inside is happy to get out.  he is happy to be used, happy to be free and able to move.  he repays me by doping me up with endorphines when i really let him loose.  he makes me pay the price when i don't let him free, through creaky ankles and sore shoulders.

nine years ago, my brother had a heart valve replaced.  thickening walls of the heart had worn away a valve and a hole formed.  my younger brother was now a heart patient.  but i was doing triathlon with my teenage son.  i had just dropped serious levels of weight and was stronger than i had been since my early 20s.  i had not been this fit since before i was a software engineer.  becoming a developer, and having starbucks move to boston, were closely timed events marking the beginning of my athletic decline.

when i first got to malaysia i would wake up early every day on weekends.  i would strap on water bottles, and put on a hat to shade the early morning sun.  i would go for a loop in the expat neighborhood, and feel great as i climbed the hill back to the condo.  i needed to push the run, i was racing the heat as the sun climbed higher into the sky.  if i took too long, that last climb would literally be a hard steep incline inside a sweltering sauna.

but one saturday i didn't go for a run.  i asked myself why i was running.  there was no race coming up, and no one would notice if i didn't go.   i could snuggle in and go to the bakery later for a croissant.  thats what i did that weekend, and the next, and the next.  i had started on the downward slope, i let gravity take control and just let myself lean into the decline.  the pace picked up here and there, i reacted enough to steady the decline and level it out, but years had passed where stress, travel and dessert had taken their toll.

last week, my sister had a cough and went to see the doctor.  she was sent to the hospital, admitted and is now a heart patient.  there are follow up appointments planned, but the signals are pretty clear.  i need to get my ass out of bed in the morning and go for a run.  i need to ride my bike, row my ergo and swim to burn the weight off.  i would not call this a race for my life, but the melodrama could be a positive if it added to the commitment.

i knew this was coming, and started moving this last summer.  the athlete inside was demanding his time.  the little voice got to me before the email from home.  but the little voice was not strong enough to keep the trend going when travel and allergies kicked in.  now i have something else to use as motivation.  with two of the four siblings now heart patients, and stress-induced hypertension looming in the background, i do not want to be the next one to tip over into active cardiac care.  there is an element of sick competition in that statement, but it is always competition that drives me.

so maybe my sister at home is willing to race me.  her doctor is going to prescribe meds and suggest she get in shape.  she was also formerly athletic, not a member of as many sports or as driven maybe, but this is her chance to turn that around.  i could use the motivation, i need someone to race.  maybe she wants the challenge too.  i will let her pick the race, either we focus on the losing side, or we do a race of some sort.  i remember her as a sprinter.  400 meter run?  i might push for 800 meter. we can go to cardines field and go around the track.

if she doesn't take me up on this, well i am going to need to find another challenge for my inner athlete.  maybe the challenge will be to come out and become my outer athlete again.  the tides need to turn.  maybe i can coax him out and get him to stay around.  it's time to feel that hill again.  the stress of climbing it, the sweat cooling the body from the heat and carrying the former desserts out of their storage locations.

it is time to get my ass moving again.  let the active slacker take note, his days are numbered.  the athlete is coming out and he wants to get moving.

second shot

i started writing this blog... a long time ago.

i started writing this blog to raise my voice and keep a record.  it gives longevity to thoughts that might otherwise be lost.  i am doing this for me, and for a very select few who i actively want to share with.  i have never thought of this as a forum for general consumption, it is too personal and frankly too boring.  these are the thoughts that bounce around in my head, the posts have given them a vehicle to escape into the wild while also being stored safely for later.  but, mostly, the posts allow half-thoughts to be worked into a completed form, my version of cleaning up a workspace.

my first opening volley was more of an invitation than a thought.  it was the commitment to carry on with a goal.  it may feel like one and a half lifetimes ago, but was truly just a moment at a cross road.  for anyone who has been following, i am warning you now that i am at a cross road again.  i remember hearing that we change every seven years to become a different person, and although i am in the middle of the calendar cycle, change is looming.

i am declaring the close of one phase and the opening of another.  as i sit on a balcony overlooking the south china sea, i am feeling like a nordic athlete soon to be transitioning from skiing to shooting portion of the biathlon.  i know i need to lower my pulse rate before i transition, my legs are tired, i am dripping in sweat and my fingers are tingling with the effects of adrenaline.  it is almost time to stop and focus on the target, the driving effort has to be tempered, so i can take on the shot and avoid a penalty.

if the metaphor of biathlon while hiding in a resort on borneo doesn't work for you, stop reading now.  i am going to write; long, strange and personal, because it is what calms me.  this is my way of settling myself down for the effort.  this is my race, and i want a record of it for later.  i want to be able to look at the tape and see my form as i took that hill.  it's not for others to see me win or lose, but for my inner coach to monitor and remember how i felt on days like today.

this is my second shot, let the new chapter begin.

living better

one of the things about being alone is that you can ignore what others might point out. being with someone, you have a second pair of eyes which see events from another angle. those other eyes might notice what you don't, they might ask why something you accept is the way that it is. being alone you can ignore looking into the mirror, but one day you feel the other eyes and you are finally are forced to look and see what you have missed.

i have known for years that i have allergies. i spent almost two years starting each morning with a steroid inhaler. it kept recurrent bouts of bronchitis at bay, i would wake up unable to breath and would draw the gritty meds into my lungs, calming the clamped pressure that built up over night. this was about managing the symptoms rather than dealing with the cause, which was never clearly identified. it was clear that fresh beer, breads and dairy were all issues, but because i was sickest every year at the solstice a sad rumor of grinch-like christmas tree allergies circulated.

just after christmas 5 - 6 years ago, i was suffering once again. my general health was in question. i was gaining weight for no reason, i was exercising but could not maintain, when not exercising i was fighting to catch my breath, i was fighting mood swings and fatigue; all of which made me truly tired. it also impacted those closest to me; it's hard to live in a situation without solution. a solution was accidentally found one day, but it was too late to correct the underlying damage.

almost randomly i picked up a book that advocated removing large elements of the standard american diet to improve your health. i am not normally a person that corrects issues by elimination; i prefer to actively manage than draconian cuts. but i decided to give draconian management a try and a week later i stopped using the inhaler. by removing the things that were silently making me sick, i found i felt much better. all of my symtoms quickly disappeared, and i was the healthiest i have been in my adult life.

then i moved to malaysia, and as with all large changes i formed new routines. i remember the morning of the tipping point. i was driving and decided i could go to a bakery for breakfast, the decision was more about the need for comfort food then nutrition. i knew if i turned i would indulge in things i was better to avoid. this was the proverbial slippery slope, but i lied to myself reassuringly saying, "if it becomes an issue, i will stop going". even as i said it, there was another voice with a chuckle saying, "yeah right".

knowing your limits is a good thing, but even when you do you can still rationalize; for a while. i have slowly fallen back into the old spiral, and i have been paying the price. i have been living on antihistimines to manage recurrent coughs, nasal sprays for rhinitis and antacids for reflux. mixed in are my old friends joint pain, fatigue and weight gain. a few nights ago, i again woke up in a pool of sweat and with a mouth full of stomach acid. this is the first time in weeks that has happened, but its also the first time in weeks i didn't do my nightly regiment of imported medications. waking up choking is a really strong indication of the need to reconsider the idea of comfort foods.

so i have made a decision, it's time to listen to that little voice i have been ignoring. my sister and my mother have diagnosed auto-immune disorders, my other sister is having symptoms identical to mine and i clearly need to admit that having less than average is not acceptable if i am not average. i started making the changes i have avoided two days ago and i woke up this morning feeling the best i have in a year. i spent yesterday feeling clear and bright, i woke up early this morning and remembered how it felt to get up without being tired.

the downside is that i need to seriously alter my life. i need to avoid the sticky glutens that have inflamed my insides. i need to eliminate the things i crave, even if they are comforting they are not feeding me well. this can not be a 6 month change, it has to be for the long haul. i need to decide that no matter where i live, i need to follow the rules. the rules are not hard to follow, but they are easy to break a little bit at a time. the new rule is that even a little bit is bad.

elimination is the only way to a better life, i knew this before and rationalized it away. i think i need a mirror to make sure i don't forget this time.

no really

at the start of the year, three people told me they are making new years resolutions. every one of them has vowed this is the year they would do the same thing as all the others, "find work life balance". last year i vowed to learn to play the blues guitar; buying yet another bloody guitar, on the last day of the year, was less than an optimum outcome for that goal. maybe i need another way to look at this?

i was reading a book on using data to drive decision making. "super crunchers" as a good title to catch my eye during the pre-flight book selection process. the book was interesting, but i was hoping for math or technical sides to data analysis and presentation. the audience it targetted less at data architects and more social scientists. that's fine, i have a poli-sci educaton and my work is more about people than systems right now anyway.

in the final chapter the author makes a strained connection from the book to a website he and his friends had created. i found the conversation out of context, but none the less interesting. stickk.com is all about making and keeping your resolutions. the site and new years came together in time. maybe using technology would help in the success of resolutions, the simple idea is that you should commit to the goal, and have someone monitor you. if you like, you can then put your money where your mouth is, put a "contract on yourself" and pay off when you inhale the nicotine you know you are addicted to (or slip on whatever front you know you will slip on).

the site says:

i like the idea, i need goals which are easy to messure, and a data guy building a website to track process on decisions makes alot of sense to me. i like working against MBOs or KPIs that are simple and direct to measure. so, resolutions like:

• exercise more
• learn to play music
• do things i enjoy

are just not strong enough for me. what does "more" mean anyway. "almost never" is "more" than "never" right? given where i have been for the past 8 months, it wouldn't take much to do things "more" than i have been.

so what about resolutions like:

• lose 20 lbs
• run a 10K race
• read at least 2 books every month
• write code and a blog every week
• learn one song on guitar a month, prove it by playing it in public

these are much easier for me to measure and know that i am either failing or succeeding at. i am almost a month into the resolution season. i have done little or nothing on any of these. i started this blog 24 days ago, i have not been able write anything other than email and reviews in three weeks. i have run once, i haven't cycled or swam in months, i have picked up one of my guitars three times, no new songs have been learned.

i have a break for the next few days. as you can see i am writing. it feels so good to have the words flow again. i was sitting in a cafe yesterday and read a best life article that argued eating chocolate before a workout helped the author both exercise harder and to eliminate writers block, something about the endorphines and mood alteration. eating chocolate to improve exercise might sound counter-intuitive, but "eat fat to lose fat" worked for me better than anything ever has.

if this year is going to become unblocked and is going to have some balance, i am going to need to try some solutions that seem counter-intuitive. i may also need someone to monitor me in a stickk way. i am going to need to let go of work-life balance, and work on the KPIs. last year's goals were written this year during review season. this years goals need to be written now.

looking back and reviewing myself on the actual accomplishments is not the way for me to succeed. it might bring a good review on paper, but it was not the success i wanted, just the one i ended up with.

so the bullets above are my resolutions for this year, who whats to monitor?