living alone

i have been living on my own for three years now. i have friends and family visit, the kids come for the summer. those 8 weeks or so of time that they are here, or the 4 weeks of the year i live in my condo in the US are the times during the year that i have someone to live with. these are the weeks that i need to leave work before midnight, and i have concerns which take precedence over anything personal or work related. the other 40 weeks in the year, i am living alone.

when i first moved out of the house, it has been almost 10 years since i has been alone for more than a night or two. i had traveled for work, and honestly getting away sometimes felt like a mini-vacation. i did not have to drive 100 mi home that night, i could stop working when i wanted, eat what i wanted for dinner and watch what i wanted without worrying about negotiation.

when i was confronted with the reality of living a lone, i realized i would only be forced to stop working when i wanted, eat whatever i wanted for dinner and watch whatever i wanted without worrying about negotiation. the reality of this was frightening. the things that previously were a vacation suddenly turned into things that i dreaded; a dream i wished i could wake up and realize was just some deep seeded insecurity bubbling up at night.

no such luck, it was real and it was something i had to deal with. the first thing i did was avoid the move for as long as possible. the next was to try to live like i was not alone. my kids took turns staying over. it was more a matter of them making sure i was okay than of me taking care of them, but it was a relief to not be alone.

months later, a move to malaysia was in the making. the day i took off, i had friends calling me and telling me i would be okay. i tried to be confident, but i was going to be 12 time zones away and knew no one in this part of the world. how do you start a completely new life when you are not ready to leave the one you are moving away from?

as the weeks and months passed, i found ways to never feel disconnected. i would have email and phone conversations with people in the US and europe as often as i could. it was my way of not really feeling like i lived in asia. i was here, but it was really an extended work stay. i was living in an apartment, but it was not home. rather, it was the functional equivalent of the hotel rooms i had lived in earlier when i was on the road for work. i would call home and say how much i missed them, and how i loved them.

it all felt like a temporary situation that would end soon. i went out of my way to remind people that this was temporary, as though none of it was real. it was just a rented life that would be replaced with something more permanent once i figured out what that would be.

the past few months have changed that. i am living alone. i feel it, i feel the difference. i no longer fear coming home to my apartment, i have become comfortable with it. i have been adding touches that are mine. my photography, my guitars, my books are there. i have begun to replace some of the things i left behind in the US. movies, sports equipment, clothes which were too much to carry on my “trip” have now been added. the weight of possessions and life are now here, and i think of KL as home rather than a temporary location.

as i walk toward pasar malam, drive on rain swept KL highways or sit in mamak, i realize that i really do live here. i am building a life in malaysia, i am not sure about the future but i am comfortable with the present. i no longer talk about where i will go next; i am simply enjoying being here today.

the one downside is that i am living alone, and i am enjoying it more and more as the time passes. gone are the days when i would call someone to accompany me to the ikea for shopping, i do that alone now. gone are the times that i schedule myself so that i am not alone. i have been finding that i tell people i am busy when i have no plans at all. this allows me to just be alone and do what i want to do.

i am now completely at ease that 40 weeks out of the year i can stop working when i want, eat whatever i want for dinner and watch whatever i want without worrying about negotiation.

i can grab my camera and take pictures whenever i want to, i can plan trips on short notice and do none of the things i had wanted to do while i am there. i can play my guitar badly at any time day or night and not disturb anyone around me. i can spend all afternoon in bodega, reading or working and have no one to be upset that i am not doing more. i can lay in bed with my feet in the air and blog about things around me, or random thoughts i have, and i don’t have to explain myself.

i am comfortable with the situation, and i am happy i have time to work and relax. i am lucky. the thing i feared second most in my life happened and i am alive and feeling lucky. i am alone, and i like it.

the thing is i do like it, i have given up on worrying about being alone, now i worry about not living alone. this is a good thing right? this is healthy? hmmmm, there is no one here to ask.

maybe what I need is a roommate. but then i would not be living alone.