i said in a recent post that when i have random thoughts, i translate them to a title and the title stays with me until i get around to converting randomess to strongly-typed bits. i have been watching one random thought for months; but, during the {dry season} this summer i simply never found the time to let those bits flow. events have silenced the destiny of those bits, and brought a new direction of thought.
the story begins while driving (many, many times) to the office. i live with my ipod connected to me. it is a requirement for all trips; auto, aero or other. 80 gig, silver and filled with my music and photos. the thought of a trip without this companion compares to pondering life on a deserted island; pangs of lose and separation are felt at the mere consideration.
while mobile i tend to do the ipod shuffle; allowing apple’s engineers to randomly* select a play list. the little silver surfer picks the tunes as space and time move. i am amazed at how well they select the next song for my listening pleasure. in fact, i have noticed that on days when the selections on the trip to the office are especially good, the day tends to progress in a positive way. in contrast, when the frequency of hitting “next” increases, the events of the day go spiraling toward the desire to fast forward.
i have mentioned to people that i have been following the trend, and most of them appear to be skeptics. not a surprise, as i am a skeptic on most stories of premonition also. i recently heard a story of a fortune-teller who “predicted” the big easy hurricane. i smiled and did not point out that historically it was not much of a stretch to predict the southern US would be struck by a storm. there are yearly stories on prime-time news shows predicting the same; normally timed just before storm season. also, the described “premonition” had all the specific clarity of nostradamus.
but in this case, i have watched the trends and i am convinced of a correlation. i am not making a judgment on causality, just that there is a relationship between the two patterns. months ago, i was driving and considering this; and created of the title “ipod destiny”. i was smiling and in the process of imprinting the title for later recovery during the quiet gap between songs. i listened to the next song start, it was one i did not remember hearing before. i picked up my friend and looked to see what she had selected for me, as the soulful tones of lenny kravitz’s voice were recognized i read the title “destiny”. {spooky!}
i had just told someone about my ipod destiny and i was remembering the the smiles it brought. i was also looking forward to my drive into the office and the new day. as i turned the key i asked myself, how do you think the driving music (and the day) will go? considering the answer, i picked up my shimmering friend and hit the play button.
no response. i looked closer and saw the empty battery graphic. my friend must have continued to play songs as i slept, and the battery was now empty. no music; i was going to drive in silence. but, always ready to analyze, i questioned what were the implications of this? if good/bad music brought a good/bad day, what would no music at all bring in the day to come? a feeling of loss was replaced by a sense of foreboding.
as someone who watches and lives within patterns, here was a new data point. new can be exciting and enjoyable, or it can be scary and troubling. life is all about change, but surprises and things that don’t work are only sometimes found to be the best course. i drove in silence, and imprinted the new title.
as usual when i hit an issue, i have come up with a plan b. the silver ipod will be replaced in the car with its darker cousin i currently have stuffed into my guitar bag. i am not investing the personal time to improve my music skills, i might as well use the other ipod lower the risk profile of future silent driving. i will now have access to two friends, when one is found silent and empty, the other will take over and provide the songs of the day.
but, i need to resist the temptation to swap before emptiness. i cannot make a change as soon as the pattern goes negative. i doubt this will be an issue for me. there is always the hope that a quick replacement will bring you back to positive. but i understand the reality. when dealing with destiny, doing a replacement will not change the outcome. it will simply mean you have two things that need to be tracked, updated and filled when empty.
you cannot change your destiny, it doesn't matter if it's good, bad or "silent and empty".
/**************************************************************
my silver ipod sits charging while i write this post. the drive home will be filled with my music. now i just need to remember to turn it off when i get there.
* there is an internet debate over the randomness of the shuffle, belief is that favoritism is used to improve the musical selections. i will ignore the debate, and simply say ‘shuffle me baby’.
if apple knows to put luscious jackson, burnside and frank black together than i say 'why be random'.
*******/
Saturday, November 22, 2008
storm junkie
i told someone a few months ago that they were an adrenaline junkie. some people say it takes one to know one. they came back to me this week and confirmed i was right. also that not only did the adrenaline rush in the middle of the fight feel good, but that it had lasting effects. the rush of crisis driven adrenaline one day, improved overall balance and control the next.
for the rush, some will do things that i have never had to resort to. they will jump out of a perfectly good airplane or they will step off of a pedestal attached to a rubber-band. if you know me you might say that my driving is a search for a rush; honestly i am simply rushing.
to feel the adrenaline i need to feel that i am not in control. even when i am driving at double the speed limit the feeling of control is perfectly type-A. the one exception might be when my “top of the line” malaysian car’s breaks fire without me touching them. this only happens during torrential downpours that come with monsoon season. the rush does not come from the driving, but as a result of the storm.
to experience my rush, i need to be enveloped within a storm. is it a surprise that i made a game of watching lightening storms with my children? it is clearly not a surprise that i continue to find myself in the middle of storms, ones that i happily rush into. rather than battening down the hatches and riding it out hidden down below, you will find me up on deck holding onto the tiller and laughing into the wind. bring on the waves and lightening, it wouldn’t be a storm without them.
this week reminded me of a bright blue day during my college summers. i was sitting in a tower above the sand and was bored with the monotony of yet another clear day. this is when the radio made a sound and said the words, “this is an emergency weather advisory”. i looked north and saw the black clouds coming towards me, the excitement began. for the next 2 hours reports continued and the wall of clouds and lightening pressed closer. in front of me i had happy swimmers who had no idea what was coming, and behind me the storm was raging.
we cleared the beach as the squall came close enough to feel it's effects. the beach was empty, but i stayed in my tower. light drops blown forward were replaced by pelts of driven rain. the wall of clouds and falling water enveloped my world and i was surrounded by lightening strikes, one after the next. the sound of thunder and the spectacle of light was elemental excitement. i sat high above the sand and relished it, i was literally in the middle of the storm and it felt amazing; i had no control over the storm, the rush came from being part of something beyond control.
the squall line soon passed and continued it out to sea. it had come directly at us and drove right over the top. i watched the last of the lightening fade into the distance and the families come back onto the sand with their blankets. you could see the faces, upset that their day had been ruined and the sand was now wet. i sat smiling and happy, satisfied to have been part of the experience. why do people want yet another plodding and uneventful day, when they can have the rush of the spectacle? this was special and would be a lasting memory.
i watch for storms, and feel them approaching with expectation. i live and work where storms happen on a regular basis. i don’t go hunting for them, but if one comes towards me i am ready when it hits. if i hid inside i would miss the fun, so i get up and go enjoy the excitement. i want to teach my kids to not be scared or upset.
if they can learn to enjoy the rush of the storm, it might stop them from wanting to jump off a cliff.
for the rush, some will do things that i have never had to resort to. they will jump out of a perfectly good airplane or they will step off of a pedestal attached to a rubber-band. if you know me you might say that my driving is a search for a rush; honestly i am simply rushing.
to feel the adrenaline i need to feel that i am not in control. even when i am driving at double the speed limit the feeling of control is perfectly type-A. the one exception might be when my “top of the line” malaysian car’s breaks fire without me touching them. this only happens during torrential downpours that come with monsoon season. the rush does not come from the driving, but as a result of the storm.
to experience my rush, i need to be enveloped within a storm. is it a surprise that i made a game of watching lightening storms with my children? it is clearly not a surprise that i continue to find myself in the middle of storms, ones that i happily rush into. rather than battening down the hatches and riding it out hidden down below, you will find me up on deck holding onto the tiller and laughing into the wind. bring on the waves and lightening, it wouldn’t be a storm without them.
this week reminded me of a bright blue day during my college summers. i was sitting in a tower above the sand and was bored with the monotony of yet another clear day. this is when the radio made a sound and said the words, “this is an emergency weather advisory”. i looked north and saw the black clouds coming towards me, the excitement began. for the next 2 hours reports continued and the wall of clouds and lightening pressed closer. in front of me i had happy swimmers who had no idea what was coming, and behind me the storm was raging.
we cleared the beach as the squall came close enough to feel it's effects. the beach was empty, but i stayed in my tower. light drops blown forward were replaced by pelts of driven rain. the wall of clouds and falling water enveloped my world and i was surrounded by lightening strikes, one after the next. the sound of thunder and the spectacle of light was elemental excitement. i sat high above the sand and relished it, i was literally in the middle of the storm and it felt amazing; i had no control over the storm, the rush came from being part of something beyond control.
the squall line soon passed and continued it out to sea. it had come directly at us and drove right over the top. i watched the last of the lightening fade into the distance and the families come back onto the sand with their blankets. you could see the faces, upset that their day had been ruined and the sand was now wet. i sat smiling and happy, satisfied to have been part of the experience. why do people want yet another plodding and uneventful day, when they can have the rush of the spectacle? this was special and would be a lasting memory.
i watch for storms, and feel them approaching with expectation. i live and work where storms happen on a regular basis. i don’t go hunting for them, but if one comes towards me i am ready when it hits. if i hid inside i would miss the fun, so i get up and go enjoy the excitement. i want to teach my kids to not be scared or upset.
if they can learn to enjoy the rush of the storm, it might stop them from wanting to jump off a cliff.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
becoming kirk
have you ever asked what character in film or tv someone identifies with? my sister grew up deeply identifying with laura ingles wilder, the main character from “little house on the prairie”. i could barely tolerate the show, but she loved it. after traveling the world with her family in tow (the modern equivalent of crossing a continent in a covered wagon) she and her clan settled into a farm house. is this a coincidence or was it her personality identifying with her future.
i identified with a show of my own, one my sister could barely tolerate. as a software engineer who grew up in the 70s and 80s it is probably not a surprise that the show was “star trek” (pseudo-militaristic scientists living in a race-neutral utopia driven by learning and discovery; where everyone seemed to be a programmer). the thing i loved about the show was watching kirk think outside the box and challenge his team to succeed in situations that seemed impossible.
i never saw myself as kirk, i felt more connected to spock the logical and reserved second in command who executed kirk’s plans without more than a raised eyebrow to hint that he may not have understood the orders but that he trusted following them. that view of myself has dropped away over the years.
the coldness of spock was an effective counterpoint to the emotion of kirk. spock planned and was able to deal with high levels of complexity, but kirk was highly reactive and thought outside the box. he formed plans “on the fly” that pushed the envelope to the point that he was reminded, “captian, i can’t change the laws of physics” to which would answer, “do the best you can”. kirk’s plans would succeed and the team moved onto the next crisis driven episode.
kirk was a anti-hero when compared to the standard father figure of the pre-nuclear age. he was alone, except for those with his crew he had no stable relationships; he would make and later move beyond episodic connections. as we learn more about kirk it is strongly hinted that he was on his “five year mission to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life forms and to boldly go where no man has gone before” because of an internal need to search for something previously lost.
what truly caused that loss was never entirely clear. there were hints that putting career first was a driver, but watching kirk closely gives one the impression that he was simply a person doing what they were meant to do. could someone who can take on those challenges or who knew when to follow rules and when to break them, really have decided to settle down on a farm in idaho.
in the movie “generations” kirk meets picard (kirk of the next generation) in the nexus; a place that allows you to reclaim the thing you miss the most. nexus of course means bond or the interconnection of a group, which is a none to subtle hint that most people miss lost connections. the nexus for picard was a family he never had. for kirk it was a relationship he did not keep. but kirk leaves the nexus because he knows that it is not real. reality is living not pretending to enjoy a life that is false.
the draw of ‘the nexus' is strong, it can be all consuming. the feeling of lose or regret may be part of the human condition. but kirk teaches us that a life spent living, fighting for what is right, protecting the prime directive and thinking outside the box that others coerce you to stay within, can be more than simply acceptable. for some it can very clearly be the life they are meant to lead. even if you need to challenge the laws of physics, or to change the rules of the game:
sometimes you just need to, “do the best you can”.
i identified with a show of my own, one my sister could barely tolerate. as a software engineer who grew up in the 70s and 80s it is probably not a surprise that the show was “star trek” (pseudo-militaristic scientists living in a race-neutral utopia driven by learning and discovery; where everyone seemed to be a programmer). the thing i loved about the show was watching kirk think outside the box and challenge his team to succeed in situations that seemed impossible.
i never saw myself as kirk, i felt more connected to spock the logical and reserved second in command who executed kirk’s plans without more than a raised eyebrow to hint that he may not have understood the orders but that he trusted following them. that view of myself has dropped away over the years.
the coldness of spock was an effective counterpoint to the emotion of kirk. spock planned and was able to deal with high levels of complexity, but kirk was highly reactive and thought outside the box. he formed plans “on the fly” that pushed the envelope to the point that he was reminded, “captian, i can’t change the laws of physics” to which would answer, “do the best you can”. kirk’s plans would succeed and the team moved onto the next crisis driven episode.
kirk was a anti-hero when compared to the standard father figure of the pre-nuclear age. he was alone, except for those with his crew he had no stable relationships; he would make and later move beyond episodic connections. as we learn more about kirk it is strongly hinted that he was on his “five year mission to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life forms and to boldly go where no man has gone before” because of an internal need to search for something previously lost.
what truly caused that loss was never entirely clear. there were hints that putting career first was a driver, but watching kirk closely gives one the impression that he was simply a person doing what they were meant to do. could someone who can take on those challenges or who knew when to follow rules and when to break them, really have decided to settle down on a farm in idaho.
in the movie “generations” kirk meets picard (kirk of the next generation) in the nexus; a place that allows you to reclaim the thing you miss the most. nexus of course means bond or the interconnection of a group, which is a none to subtle hint that most people miss lost connections. the nexus for picard was a family he never had. for kirk it was a relationship he did not keep. but kirk leaves the nexus because he knows that it is not real. reality is living not pretending to enjoy a life that is false.
the draw of ‘the nexus' is strong, it can be all consuming. the feeling of lose or regret may be part of the human condition. but kirk teaches us that a life spent living, fighting for what is right, protecting the prime directive and thinking outside the box that others coerce you to stay within, can be more than simply acceptable. for some it can very clearly be the life they are meant to lead. even if you need to challenge the laws of physics, or to change the rules of the game:
sometimes you just need to, “do the best you can”.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
loving life
i woke up with a question. what do you think about life?
the short answer is i love life. you only have one, and if you f-it-up somehow what the hell do you have left.
i have been told this week that i am depressed, that i look upset and that i am distant. the reality is that i am tired. i have been travelling so much that i feel like i am falling behind; not only in work but in life itself. that doesn’t mean i am upset, just that i want to take the time to catch up inside myself.
i found myself watching a youtube lesson on playing blues guitar. these were the classes i was taking last spring before i jumped with both feet into the crazy behavior i have been allowing this year. on the drive home i started to think about the box of books on learning mandarin that i lent to “wo loa shr” in hopes she could customize my learning of chinese. that stalled out too, and i have been feeling the tug of desire to get it back on track and get those skills. the fact that i was forced into using my spanish in LA, and found it hard until i met esteban my two-year old business lounge friend who i gave the crayons i was carrying around in my bag. estaban showed me that if i tried, i could dust off my spanish and get it functional again.
i have 62 gig worth of video that i downloaded after the conference which i largely missed. work came before learning, even when i scheduled the week with no distractions and in a time zone to make it easy to avoid getting sucked in. clearly saying yes to an opportunity came before the planned ability to learn things i had been interested in for months.
overall life is good; no life is clearly great. i have opportunities that people only fantasize about. i have people who love me sprinkled around the world. i know that if i knock on certain doors they will be opened and i will be welcomed in. i am physically far away from my family, and in many ways i am closer than i was when i was in the same house. i am sure there are people who know and accept me; that is a very good thing to have in your life.
people misunderstand my need for distance. i simply like to be alone. i like to do my own thing and go at my own pace. i have been sitting in a café, writing, thinking and generally doing nothing productive, nothing that anyone else would find interesting, for many hours now. it feels good to be alone and to do the things i want to do. i get like this when i need to recharge myself, when i feel drained and in need of filling myself back up.
life is good because i have this opportunity. the idea of being in a situation where i was not able to take this kind of room is like considering living on the top of a mountain for me. the view might be beautiful, the company might be stunning and full of energy, but i have been in the mountains before and i was unable to breathe.
i was built for the ocean; wide open spaces where you can sail in any direction. people are scared of the ocean for its size and strength, i love it because i have a strong compass and can navigate. i also don't fear the strength. i crave it. i love the challenge and the ability to ride the wind and waves. i need the ability to see a storm on the horizon and turn away from the strongest winds; even if i have to swim for shore now and again. that seems much saner than living perched in a fixed place you cannot catch a breath and where you cannot to get out of the way of a storm.
people who don’t love life seem to allow themselves to get into situations where their freedom to choose, the ability to steer their own direction, is taken away. some people appear to crave someone else to construct rules and tell them the truth about all things. but the type-As of us want exactly the opposite. we need to be in control of everything; our thoughts, our actions and the simple direction of our days.
add a strong libertarian spirit, and the inability to control a few core aspects of life and you find we tend to create distance to regain control. this does not mean we don’t love life, exactly the opposite; we love it so much that we want to experience it fully. we want to simplify it to the extreme; ensuring there is no need to explain, negotiate or compromise.
life if good, if you allow it to be.
the short answer is i love life. you only have one, and if you f-it-up somehow what the hell do you have left.
i have been told this week that i am depressed, that i look upset and that i am distant. the reality is that i am tired. i have been travelling so much that i feel like i am falling behind; not only in work but in life itself. that doesn’t mean i am upset, just that i want to take the time to catch up inside myself.
i found myself watching a youtube lesson on playing blues guitar. these were the classes i was taking last spring before i jumped with both feet into the crazy behavior i have been allowing this year. on the drive home i started to think about the box of books on learning mandarin that i lent to “wo loa shr” in hopes she could customize my learning of chinese. that stalled out too, and i have been feeling the tug of desire to get it back on track and get those skills. the fact that i was forced into using my spanish in LA, and found it hard until i met esteban my two-year old business lounge friend who i gave the crayons i was carrying around in my bag. estaban showed me that if i tried, i could dust off my spanish and get it functional again.
i have 62 gig worth of video that i downloaded after the conference which i largely missed. work came before learning, even when i scheduled the week with no distractions and in a time zone to make it easy to avoid getting sucked in. clearly saying yes to an opportunity came before the planned ability to learn things i had been interested in for months.
overall life is good; no life is clearly great. i have opportunities that people only fantasize about. i have people who love me sprinkled around the world. i know that if i knock on certain doors they will be opened and i will be welcomed in. i am physically far away from my family, and in many ways i am closer than i was when i was in the same house. i am sure there are people who know and accept me; that is a very good thing to have in your life.
people misunderstand my need for distance. i simply like to be alone. i like to do my own thing and go at my own pace. i have been sitting in a café, writing, thinking and generally doing nothing productive, nothing that anyone else would find interesting, for many hours now. it feels good to be alone and to do the things i want to do. i get like this when i need to recharge myself, when i feel drained and in need of filling myself back up.
life is good because i have this opportunity. the idea of being in a situation where i was not able to take this kind of room is like considering living on the top of a mountain for me. the view might be beautiful, the company might be stunning and full of energy, but i have been in the mountains before and i was unable to breathe.
i was built for the ocean; wide open spaces where you can sail in any direction. people are scared of the ocean for its size and strength, i love it because i have a strong compass and can navigate. i also don't fear the strength. i crave it. i love the challenge and the ability to ride the wind and waves. i need the ability to see a storm on the horizon and turn away from the strongest winds; even if i have to swim for shore now and again. that seems much saner than living perched in a fixed place you cannot catch a breath and where you cannot to get out of the way of a storm.
people who don’t love life seem to allow themselves to get into situations where their freedom to choose, the ability to steer their own direction, is taken away. some people appear to crave someone else to construct rules and tell them the truth about all things. but the type-As of us want exactly the opposite. we need to be in control of everything; our thoughts, our actions and the simple direction of our days.
add a strong libertarian spirit, and the inability to control a few core aspects of life and you find we tend to create distance to regain control. this does not mean we don’t love life, exactly the opposite; we love it so much that we want to experience it fully. we want to simplify it to the extreme; ensuring there is no need to explain, negotiate or compromise.
life if good, if you allow it to be.
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