as the kids and i walk together, as we sit with friends at a table, as i stand next to a woman i am comfortable with, the thought, "what do people think of us" crosses my mind. do people pass by us as they walk and see us coming towards them, or see us at a table having a meal, do they attempt to categorize us. where are we from? who are we? what do we do for work or play? who are we with?
people do it to all the time, everyone does it to the people around them, but i wonder how closely people can come when they do this while looking at me and the people i love. If i am alone with my kids, a pre-college jock-punk, a mid-high school bohemian chick and an elementary school ball of energy; who do people think we are? when we are traveling, do people know i am a single dad? as we laugh and joke with each other, it’s clear that we are happy; do they think that’s good, given moms death? or do they look and immediately know we are divorce survivors who have found the way to stay connected, even when forces pull us apart? is all of this unclear to them and they just think mom walked away for a few minutes and expect a curly haired woman to come up to us with a big smile and natural organizational skills.
when we go out with other families, families who do not have a father, do people look at them and think we are a large and loud single unit, rather than the two smaller families who have simply thrown our lots together and move with a natural flair of people who enjoy each others company.
these are questions that are closely related to the, ”can people tell i am an american” that i play with when traveling for business. the first time this was clear to me was the 4 AM transit flight into frankfurt a few years ago. i walked into the business class lounge, before i could open my mouth the fraulein behind the desk said, “hello, can i help you?” the shock that she could identify me as an english speaker was real. my family is a mix of every respectable european country, I can easily be mistaken for irish, english, dutch or german, but somehow, I am sure, she knew I was an american. I realize it’s not shocking, i can do the same most of the time, telling the difference between germans and brits by random mannerisms and clothing, but it was clear to me that my nationality shows through in a discernable way.
i was shopping in an outdoor market a few months ago, I was looking at a buddhist bracelet, called a dzi, which channels energy and can be customized for the wearer in order to provide the energy boosts required for each person. the owner of the stall looked at me and said, “this one is for people in management, it will provide five good energies and remove four bad energies, this would be good given your job”. i had never met this person before, but he had picked me out as a manager who needed nine energies to be rechanneled. this is despite the cargo shorts, pink t-shirt and flip flops which i was sure made me look more like an aging surfer than the general manager of a company.
so now i walk with my kids, with my friends, with my co-workers, with families for which i am not an official member and i question what people think the relationships are. can people tell who and what we are just by looking at us? can they see who we are just by watching us look at and talk with each other? can they see the comfort, the passion, the commitment to each other? can they feel the pain of the histories some of us carry with us?
within the asian community there is a strong question of “what would people think”. this helps to drive the people in the community to either keep actions to those which they are comfortable with everyone knowing, or to go to great lengths to ensure no one will ever know when they act in ways that require privacy. as an american there is an assumption of privacy, as well as a lack of concern with what people think. my father taught us to say, “who gives a f--- what people think”, its our life and we can live it anyway we want to.
but the question is, when people see us leading our lives. when they see the groups, the smiles, the bumps of the shoulder, the kisses on the cheek during hello and goodbye, when they hear the mix of languages at our table, what do they think? who do they think we are?
we are a modern family, we travel, we share many things other families would keep private and we have a good time. i am almost definitely sure everyone can tell that about us.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Friday, June 22, 2007
sadness
i met someone a few days ago who is a strange mix, the first thing you notice is the beauty, the light that comes through her skin from inside, it is like she is glowing as she moves. as I watch the glow, it feels like the escaping of energy she stored from the strong sunlit days of her youth, now pouring out of her adding to the lightness of her personality. this is countered by a sadness that passes over her face, but stays visible in her dark emotional eyes. the depth of her expression, changes from serious and concentrated to light, warm and happy within a moment. this happens when she remembers to smile, the brightness of the smile explodes with a power that is almost felt as a physical force.
this person moves deliberately in her light and delicate shoes, the impression one takes is that she could be a dancer, but is weighed down with memories of the past or worries for the future which stop the steps from being free. rather she takes delicate steps, careful to not slip on a spill someone has made around her while she was not looking. she moves through her day, watching those around her, waiting to help someone with simple requests which will move their morning forward. the deeper, personal thoughts sometimes crossing her eyes, but never changing her steps.
as I watch this new friend, i wonder about her life, what was the first memory she has from her youth, what things have brought her joy, what has given her sadness. the mix of the good and bad, lightness and darkness, the pressure and the release are the things that make us each who we are. the strains of life are the events which push us down the roads of our lives. when we meet someone who has both happy and sad parts of themselves so visible and intriguing, the desire to know more is lit.
the sadness of her eyes, wiped away by her smile, is a wonderful transition to watch. like dark storm clouds which have built in the sky over a long and tiring day, magically blown away and replaced by the bright sunlight of an african summer morning. this smile is one that will be hard to forget, it warms the people around it and lights even a pleasantly lit room with added warmth and energy.
i may not have the opportunity to see these dark eyes or this smile again. as our lives drift apart, i will remember the expressions and i will hope that there is less sadness and more of the bright wonderful smile. the light of the smile will be the memory i carry with me, but the darkness of the beautiful eyes will also come to mind, both will make me smile sadly.
this person moves deliberately in her light and delicate shoes, the impression one takes is that she could be a dancer, but is weighed down with memories of the past or worries for the future which stop the steps from being free. rather she takes delicate steps, careful to not slip on a spill someone has made around her while she was not looking. she moves through her day, watching those around her, waiting to help someone with simple requests which will move their morning forward. the deeper, personal thoughts sometimes crossing her eyes, but never changing her steps.
as I watch this new friend, i wonder about her life, what was the first memory she has from her youth, what things have brought her joy, what has given her sadness. the mix of the good and bad, lightness and darkness, the pressure and the release are the things that make us each who we are. the strains of life are the events which push us down the roads of our lives. when we meet someone who has both happy and sad parts of themselves so visible and intriguing, the desire to know more is lit.
the sadness of her eyes, wiped away by her smile, is a wonderful transition to watch. like dark storm clouds which have built in the sky over a long and tiring day, magically blown away and replaced by the bright sunlight of an african summer morning. this smile is one that will be hard to forget, it warms the people around it and lights even a pleasantly lit room with added warmth and energy.
i may not have the opportunity to see these dark eyes or this smile again. as our lives drift apart, i will remember the expressions and i will hope that there is less sadness and more of the bright wonderful smile. the light of the smile will be the memory i carry with me, but the darkness of the beautiful eyes will also come to mind, both will make me smile sadly.
language
as your life progresses you have the chance to learn additional language skills. this can be within your own language where you are deepening your ability to use language to draw a picture, or you can add precision to your language skills, adding phrases which can enlighten the conversation without adding to the time or effort of the communication. it can also be by adding additional languages to your toolbox, giving you the ability to communicate with more people.
language is the key to ideas; it is the key to travel and to connection. without language you are an excluded outsider, simple conversations go on around you while you are left to guess at the meaning. the ability to guess at the general content is a skill in its own. the couple fighting at dinner, clearly upset about something and attempting to discuss, if not resolve, it in a public setting is a consistent image, but the reason for the fight, the words of the heated discussion are lost on one without the language skills to eavesdrop on the open and public airing of the issues.
some of the easiest conversations to pick up the content of are the exchanges between parent and child. the discussions saying, “allez come nu direct” as the parent tugs the child down the path and “nee, nee” as the child begs longingly for a toy or sweet. these are simple and easy to parse, even for the outsider. this is due to the similarity of the situation, no matter where you go children are the same, with the same desires, the same actions and the same frustrations and joys for their parents. the conversations follow those similarities.
the statistic I heard last night was that 70% of our communication skills are non-verbal. this means that use of body language, head shakes, pursing of the lips and smiles or simple pointing will get you most of the way there. this is true for someone who has raised their hand, and written a script in the air with their finger. it does not matter if they are saying “check please”, “bagi saya bill”, “l’descision, sil vous plait” or are simply mute. the action translates, the simplicity of the communication works cross culturally. It allows one to move and travel and not need to skip out on checks.
we were sitting in a brassiere outside a paris train station, the busy waiter has stood next to our table as we attempted to make our choices, the children were tired from a long day of sightseeing, we were now eating late waiting for midnight so we could watch the lights of the eiffel tower blink in the magical display of timed lighting that dances amid the city of lights. as we wasted time, our waiter was attempting to cover his crowded restaurant, with busy patrons and fast paced exchanges of shared language. when he came to our table, we were working to translate french menus to english for a skeptical pre-teen who simply wanted a hamburger and fries with a diet coke, the need to say coke light had not yet taken hold, and it was an added moment of confusion in each order.
we did make our order, and our parisian waiter was more than polite and helpful, no matter what people tell you, if you smile and try to work with the waiters, they will understand that you do not share their language. a few minutes later, the first round of drinks had come and we had emptied the glasses. my son, understanding busy waiters the world over, caught the eye of our waiter who was moving among the table, held up his glass and gestured with his finger, a non-verbal and universal sign for another round. the waiter smiled and nodded, happy that this exchange was direct and complete, even though it was done from a distance, both physical and verbal.
the real issues start when the level of communication required for the situation is deeper. you meet someone you want or need to have a real conversation with and you are not sure if you share the language skills to get it done. you see some one near you, you want to talk to them, you smile and move closer, but when you get there you are not able to make the connection with language. this does not mean you don’t share the same language, you may each speak a common language very well, but you are not able to find the words to make the connection.
while traveling, the situations come up, you are forced to speak, automatically without thought words escape your mouth, they come out without control, it’s a conditioned response, even if you intellectually know the person will not understand the words. a moment later, your thought-based response catches up and you can connect the neurons needed to find the words in your non-default language, you either shake your head at your lack of speed, or you simply repeat yourself in the second language. the seconds it takes to find the words, even in your first language, are added to when you are working in a language you are learning.
having the same language and using it is not a guarantee of communication, it does not ensure you can connect and get your point across. the ability to try, to trust in your own skills and to smile when you fail are much more important. those seconds of delay are shortened when you drop your fear, it’s the fear that stops us from moving forward in all interactions.
language is a tool, it is a vehicle to move and change, it can also be a barrier. language is the way we express our thoughts, but its having and sharing the thoughts which are most important, without that language is wasted and impotent.
language is the key to ideas; it is the key to travel and to connection. without language you are an excluded outsider, simple conversations go on around you while you are left to guess at the meaning. the ability to guess at the general content is a skill in its own. the couple fighting at dinner, clearly upset about something and attempting to discuss, if not resolve, it in a public setting is a consistent image, but the reason for the fight, the words of the heated discussion are lost on one without the language skills to eavesdrop on the open and public airing of the issues.
some of the easiest conversations to pick up the content of are the exchanges between parent and child. the discussions saying, “allez come nu direct” as the parent tugs the child down the path and “nee, nee” as the child begs longingly for a toy or sweet. these are simple and easy to parse, even for the outsider. this is due to the similarity of the situation, no matter where you go children are the same, with the same desires, the same actions and the same frustrations and joys for their parents. the conversations follow those similarities.
the statistic I heard last night was that 70% of our communication skills are non-verbal. this means that use of body language, head shakes, pursing of the lips and smiles or simple pointing will get you most of the way there. this is true for someone who has raised their hand, and written a script in the air with their finger. it does not matter if they are saying “check please”, “bagi saya bill”, “l’descision, sil vous plait” or are simply mute. the action translates, the simplicity of the communication works cross culturally. It allows one to move and travel and not need to skip out on checks.
we were sitting in a brassiere outside a paris train station, the busy waiter has stood next to our table as we attempted to make our choices, the children were tired from a long day of sightseeing, we were now eating late waiting for midnight so we could watch the lights of the eiffel tower blink in the magical display of timed lighting that dances amid the city of lights. as we wasted time, our waiter was attempting to cover his crowded restaurant, with busy patrons and fast paced exchanges of shared language. when he came to our table, we were working to translate french menus to english for a skeptical pre-teen who simply wanted a hamburger and fries with a diet coke, the need to say coke light had not yet taken hold, and it was an added moment of confusion in each order.
we did make our order, and our parisian waiter was more than polite and helpful, no matter what people tell you, if you smile and try to work with the waiters, they will understand that you do not share their language. a few minutes later, the first round of drinks had come and we had emptied the glasses. my son, understanding busy waiters the world over, caught the eye of our waiter who was moving among the table, held up his glass and gestured with his finger, a non-verbal and universal sign for another round. the waiter smiled and nodded, happy that this exchange was direct and complete, even though it was done from a distance, both physical and verbal.
the real issues start when the level of communication required for the situation is deeper. you meet someone you want or need to have a real conversation with and you are not sure if you share the language skills to get it done. you see some one near you, you want to talk to them, you smile and move closer, but when you get there you are not able to make the connection with language. this does not mean you don’t share the same language, you may each speak a common language very well, but you are not able to find the words to make the connection.
while traveling, the situations come up, you are forced to speak, automatically without thought words escape your mouth, they come out without control, it’s a conditioned response, even if you intellectually know the person will not understand the words. a moment later, your thought-based response catches up and you can connect the neurons needed to find the words in your non-default language, you either shake your head at your lack of speed, or you simply repeat yourself in the second language. the seconds it takes to find the words, even in your first language, are added to when you are working in a language you are learning.
having the same language and using it is not a guarantee of communication, it does not ensure you can connect and get your point across. the ability to try, to trust in your own skills and to smile when you fail are much more important. those seconds of delay are shortened when you drop your fear, it’s the fear that stops us from moving forward in all interactions.
language is a tool, it is a vehicle to move and change, it can also be a barrier. language is the way we express our thoughts, but its having and sharing the thoughts which are most important, without that language is wasted and impotent.
breakfast shadows
traveling around makes you aware of the core differences between people, the big things language, religion and culture gets much of the focus and attention, food does as well, it is a core element to people. food is deeply ingrained in the culture. the fact that seaweed is used dominantly in japan comes from the island nation’s connection with the sea, but it also helps to define the culture for people outside. these differences can also be viewed on a more micro level, people are simply different and some of those differences show through their breakfast.
i have a close friend who never eats breakfast in the morning. she simply does not feel the need for food when she wakes, and goes well towards lunch time most days without the desire for anything to eat. this is in stark contrast with others who wake to a hot pot of coffee, brewed on a timer to enable the immediate craving for the warm embrace of caffeine to be satisfied as soon as they wake.
people build the breakfast ritual into their mornings, making it a core element of their day. the comfort of repetition, the feeling of normalcy that comes from having the same breakfast, the same way at the same time helps some people take the first steps of the day in a structured and consistent way. this allows them to control, if not the entire day, at least the first hours in a way that enables them to prepare themselves for the tensions of the day to come.
i was thinking about this as it relates to stereotypes of people. does it say something about the person if they eat at home, or stop into the same bakery every day. does the choice of a breakfast on the go, a croissant or bagel rather than a sit down meal of nasi lemak tell us of the person and their day to come? is the espresso and pain au chocolate crowd inherently different than the diet coke and hersey’s chocolate bar group? both are taking caffeine and chocolate into their systems to get themselves started, but they choose to do it in very different ways.
as a way to make a point, i will describe a few completely fictional people. if there is any similarity to people who actually exist and whom I may have occasionally had breakfast with (who may or may not read this blog) please understand this is fiction and does not mean to describe or analyze you in fact. did you believe that?
angela is one who never eats breakfast. she makes breakfast for those around her and cooks with a passion and a flair, but she skips breakfast herself. occasionally there will be a coffee, but this is easily skipped as well. the need for cigarettes on the other hand is real and these are never skipped. angela has a level of control and self-discipline, along with the ability to deny herself simple pleasures as they are possible distractions from her day. the need to start the day and move into the sunlight of morning is more powerful than the demand for food. angela is more about taking care of those around her, and ignoring the simple needs that would bring her pleasure.
suzette and dee are sisters, who are complete opposites banana and green tea v. diet coke and chocolate in any form. the two of them view the world differently, they carry themselves in a different way, the focus on what’s right verses what feels right. suzette is focused on health while dee is focused on enjoyment. suzette is willing to take the time to do the hard work to be good, while dee is focused on the fast solution, with the minimum stress. where would these two sisters find such different needs in their lives. how do two women from the same childhoods, find such different priorities in their lives. or are they really more closely connected than the breakfast ritual shows, are they really the same with different appearance.
nora is another friend who is most at ease in her small comfort zone of the things she learned in her youth. she craves the food of her childhood, never to trying something new and different. when put in a situation where only new things are available, she closes up and refuses to try something she has never had before. she is most comfortable with the porridge she grew up with, she is not ready for eggs benedict or crepes. does this point to a desire, deeply ingrained, to stay within the safe embrace of her protective society? does the desire to stay within the comfort zone of breakfast, help to counter the desires to break out in other areas.
jonathan enjoys going to a local bakery every morning. the stated reason is to have coffee and croissant, to begin his day with caffeine and sugar, kick starting the day with the powerful boost of legal chemicals delivered by pastry and brewed coffee. the reality is that going to the bakery is a social call, the food is an excuse to see and chat with people who smile and chat back. overtime these people become friends and get to know him to the point they can anticipate his order and wonder where he is when he does not show for a few days. the need for friendship is actually more important then the need for caffeine.
all of this came from the thought that “you are what you eat”. if this is true, along with “breakfast is the most important meal” than we know that breakfast is the window into a persons real personality. watching what you eat takes an all new meaning. maybe if you are observant you can see things in the people around you as much as you can within yourself, just by looking down at the table and seeing how they start their day.
i have a close friend who never eats breakfast in the morning. she simply does not feel the need for food when she wakes, and goes well towards lunch time most days without the desire for anything to eat. this is in stark contrast with others who wake to a hot pot of coffee, brewed on a timer to enable the immediate craving for the warm embrace of caffeine to be satisfied as soon as they wake.
people build the breakfast ritual into their mornings, making it a core element of their day. the comfort of repetition, the feeling of normalcy that comes from having the same breakfast, the same way at the same time helps some people take the first steps of the day in a structured and consistent way. this allows them to control, if not the entire day, at least the first hours in a way that enables them to prepare themselves for the tensions of the day to come.
i was thinking about this as it relates to stereotypes of people. does it say something about the person if they eat at home, or stop into the same bakery every day. does the choice of a breakfast on the go, a croissant or bagel rather than a sit down meal of nasi lemak tell us of the person and their day to come? is the espresso and pain au chocolate crowd inherently different than the diet coke and hersey’s chocolate bar group? both are taking caffeine and chocolate into their systems to get themselves started, but they choose to do it in very different ways.
as a way to make a point, i will describe a few completely fictional people. if there is any similarity to people who actually exist and whom I may have occasionally had breakfast with (who may or may not read this blog) please understand this is fiction and does not mean to describe or analyze you in fact. did you believe that?
angela is one who never eats breakfast. she makes breakfast for those around her and cooks with a passion and a flair, but she skips breakfast herself. occasionally there will be a coffee, but this is easily skipped as well. the need for cigarettes on the other hand is real and these are never skipped. angela has a level of control and self-discipline, along with the ability to deny herself simple pleasures as they are possible distractions from her day. the need to start the day and move into the sunlight of morning is more powerful than the demand for food. angela is more about taking care of those around her, and ignoring the simple needs that would bring her pleasure.
suzette and dee are sisters, who are complete opposites banana and green tea v. diet coke and chocolate in any form. the two of them view the world differently, they carry themselves in a different way, the focus on what’s right verses what feels right. suzette is focused on health while dee is focused on enjoyment. suzette is willing to take the time to do the hard work to be good, while dee is focused on the fast solution, with the minimum stress. where would these two sisters find such different needs in their lives. how do two women from the same childhoods, find such different priorities in their lives. or are they really more closely connected than the breakfast ritual shows, are they really the same with different appearance.
nora is another friend who is most at ease in her small comfort zone of the things she learned in her youth. she craves the food of her childhood, never to trying something new and different. when put in a situation where only new things are available, she closes up and refuses to try something she has never had before. she is most comfortable with the porridge she grew up with, she is not ready for eggs benedict or crepes. does this point to a desire, deeply ingrained, to stay within the safe embrace of her protective society? does the desire to stay within the comfort zone of breakfast, help to counter the desires to break out in other areas.
jonathan enjoys going to a local bakery every morning. the stated reason is to have coffee and croissant, to begin his day with caffeine and sugar, kick starting the day with the powerful boost of legal chemicals delivered by pastry and brewed coffee. the reality is that going to the bakery is a social call, the food is an excuse to see and chat with people who smile and chat back. overtime these people become friends and get to know him to the point they can anticipate his order and wonder where he is when he does not show for a few days. the need for friendship is actually more important then the need for caffeine.
all of this came from the thought that “you are what you eat”. if this is true, along with “breakfast is the most important meal” than we know that breakfast is the window into a persons real personality. watching what you eat takes an all new meaning. maybe if you are observant you can see things in the people around you as much as you can within yourself, just by looking down at the table and seeing how they start their day.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
