i was thinking more about my last post, okay not post because i haven’t published it yet, but i did write it, i finished the thought, but had more rambling around in my head, so here we go again. to make things clear, i recently had a conversation with a close friend, at the end i saw disappointment in their eyes. it’s uncomfortable for me, and i want to know what to do to fix it.
the thing is what can any of us do once we have disappointed someone. we can stop doing what has disappointed them, and promise not to do it again. but if what we did was not strictly wrong, just something that someone we care about doesn’t understand or respect, its harder to decide how to move forward without giving up something that we would rather keep.
as a teenager we learn that the days of telling our parents everything are over. as a teen, i told my parents much more than my friends told theirs. this was due to the bohemian family dynamic, where few things were considered indefensively wrong. when parents know you are engaging in illicit behavior and giving you the advice to “have fun, but be careful”, you tend to view the world with a sense of grey rather than black and white.
as a parent, you see your children begin to take their personal lives into a private mode. they are simply doing the same thing most parents have always done with their children, controlling the flow of information to match the need and the audience. children don’t need to know everything that happens in their parent’s lives. as children mature they start to feel the same rule can be applied in reverse. some parents are horrified by this, which i think is a lack of trust in their children; i am guessing the children feel the same way.
my muslim friends know i drink alcohol and eat pork; they may also know i kiss dogs and let them lick my face. my catholic friends know in the last few years i have seldom attended mass, and that i support choice. my atheist friends know i believe in god (just not sure it’s the one any of the major religions are locked into) and that i firmly believe in right and wrong or good and evil. none of them hold this against me, i guess if they did we would not be friends. they might hope i change, but they know its part of who i am.
all of my friends know i am both an open person who will talk about anything and will always try to give an honest answer, but that i am also a private person, one who believes a person can make their decisions if they are willing to take responsibility. privacy is a good thing, it allows us to lead our lives without having our neighbors figuratively peering into our lives with the moral stand of a entitled voyeur.
and yet, i have opened up and discussed things that could be private. not admitting it at best could have been a lie of omission. but it would not have been that, it would have been a simple explicit lie. it would have taken a brick from the pillar of our relationship; the pillar holding the ceiling up would have been weaker for it. the brick needs somewhere to go though, so it would have been placed on the side, laid end to end, and then stacked, until enough have been moved and you realize the pillar is nearly gone, but that it has been replaced with a wall. the difference is the wall doesn’t allow you see or hear around it, and the relationship withers.
so, what is the right course; privacy or honesty? i am hoping the answer is both, privacy and honesty, with respect thrown in, respect for both the feelings of those around us and for us from them. privacy is the ability to keep some things to ourselves, so that we do not disappoint others. but when we do share, those that love us have to help us by understanding that we do things, even if we ourselves do not understand why.
Saturday, October 21, 2006
disappointment
when was the last time you disappointed someone? i think i recently disappointed someone i care for very deeply, and i am not sure how to make it better. the thing is, i don’t know if there is any way to make it better. when you are a person known as someone not disposed to act without considering, and reconsidering, the implications of every decision, it is not easy to get off the hook if your decisions end up causing someone disappointment.
i am not talking about disappointment to someone you barely know. i have disappointed people at work recently, normally because i made a decision they didn’t like. i have put what i thought was the company’s best interest above what the person was hoping for. there is no, well not much, guilt in this. it’s clear the company needs to be protected and to come before an individual. decisions have to be fair and precedents need to be set. i believe people understand this, if not i hope they respect it.
i am also not talking about doing something which is wrong, hurtful or harmful to someone. there was no direct pain caused. there were no promises broken, no lies told. nothing was done to hurt the person, intentionally anyway.
i am talking about making a decision, or acting in a way that i thought was best, not for someone one else, but for me. i made a decision, more than one decision, and now i am willing to live with the consequences. no, i am not willing; i simply know that i have to live with them. we are all responsible for our decisions. the biggest sin i can imagine is someone acting and then either not taking credit or responsibility for his actions. i didn’t care what bill clinton did with monica or anyone else for that matter. i cared that bill didn’t have the will to come forward and say, yes i did have a relationship with her and you know what its none of your business, its private so bugger off. (he went to school in england, he knows the phrase).
if you are wondering, no, i didn’t have an affair with an intern, and i haven’t lied about anything. but i saw something in the eyes of someone i care about, something i don’t know how to place. the only thing i can assign it to is disappointment. it was just after discussing things that i would not discuss with anyone else, things that are private to me, but i am not going to hide these things when i am asked truth in this relationship; it is too important to me.
john and mona taught me, “any question is allowed, if you are sure you can handle the truthful answer” with the corollary “only ask a question you are sure you want a truthful answer to”. i am not sure if i am slipping off topic. it wasn’t that kind of conversation, nothing intense or heated; it was a simple, easy, conversation, one that makes me value our friendship as much as i do. but at the end, there was the disappointment. truth is not overrated, but sometimes…
i am not talking about disappointment to someone you barely know. i have disappointed people at work recently, normally because i made a decision they didn’t like. i have put what i thought was the company’s best interest above what the person was hoping for. there is no, well not much, guilt in this. it’s clear the company needs to be protected and to come before an individual. decisions have to be fair and precedents need to be set. i believe people understand this, if not i hope they respect it.
i am also not talking about doing something which is wrong, hurtful or harmful to someone. there was no direct pain caused. there were no promises broken, no lies told. nothing was done to hurt the person, intentionally anyway.
i am talking about making a decision, or acting in a way that i thought was best, not for someone one else, but for me. i made a decision, more than one decision, and now i am willing to live with the consequences. no, i am not willing; i simply know that i have to live with them. we are all responsible for our decisions. the biggest sin i can imagine is someone acting and then either not taking credit or responsibility for his actions. i didn’t care what bill clinton did with monica or anyone else for that matter. i cared that bill didn’t have the will to come forward and say, yes i did have a relationship with her and you know what its none of your business, its private so bugger off. (he went to school in england, he knows the phrase).
if you are wondering, no, i didn’t have an affair with an intern, and i haven’t lied about anything. but i saw something in the eyes of someone i care about, something i don’t know how to place. the only thing i can assign it to is disappointment. it was just after discussing things that i would not discuss with anyone else, things that are private to me, but i am not going to hide these things when i am asked truth in this relationship; it is too important to me.
john and mona taught me, “any question is allowed, if you are sure you can handle the truthful answer” with the corollary “only ask a question you are sure you want a truthful answer to”. i am not sure if i am slipping off topic. it wasn’t that kind of conversation, nothing intense or heated; it was a simple, easy, conversation, one that makes me value our friendship as much as i do. but at the end, there was the disappointment. truth is not overrated, but sometimes…
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
asian repressed road rage
i was trapped on the LDP last night for more than two hours. in this time i traveled less than 15 km. the back up started just before the sunway toll and didn’t let up until i got off on the sprint highway. during the drive i noticed something interesting about malaysian drivers. they suffer from a disease i have never seen before, and i wanted to be the see if others are aware of it.
the condition is asian repressed road rage (ARRR or AR3), it presents as the inability to show ones feelings of tension, stress or anger during a traffic jam. this of course comes with two patterns of behavior, the first is a stone cold stare forward with an apparent lack of awareness for anything going on around you. a classic example would be when the mat salleh next to you has his blinker on to merge in and you simply continue to creep forward as though there is no one else in the world. this passive aggressive response can be dealt with by others simply by waiving to your wife and smiling, she will then provide the corrective action required to remind you that you are (or should be) a person who has some degree of compassion and social skills.
the second response pattern is the need to bounce from lane to lane in a hyper-kinetic frenzy. here the stress is dealt with via movement, rather than the single minded need to move forward a need simply to move at all costs is displayed. sufferers of this version of the syndrome appear to be younger and less emotionally broken than those in the first pattern; as such it is suspected that this is the early stages of the condition which with age and repetition may convert to the more passive approach.
each of these responses are in sharp contrast to the western open road rage (WORR) displayed in the us and europe. WORR sufferers display tendency towards violence, open hostility, use of foul language, verbal and physical abuse to their cars, themselves and those around them. the western version is primarily differentiated by lack of social barriers towards loss of face or stigmatism towards display of openly hostile or aggressive behavior.
asian sufferers do appear to be unable to deal with and openly channel the stress, rather they suffer silently, or though apparent concentration on their hand phones. this, of course, maps to behavior patterns displayed during work, family or other social situations where stress is involved.
the longer i am here, the more subdued i become. watching others deal with their stress by internalizing it, allowing it to eat away at themselves, has been positive experience for me. i am seeing that neither response western or asian is positive. there was a moment when i looked over at the chinese girl next to me and smiled. i think, she thought i was nuts. “why is he smiling”, she must have asked. because i am not tearing myself up emotionally over a traffic jam. kl is full of traffic jams, what’s the use.
the condition is asian repressed road rage (ARRR or AR3), it presents as the inability to show ones feelings of tension, stress or anger during a traffic jam. this of course comes with two patterns of behavior, the first is a stone cold stare forward with an apparent lack of awareness for anything going on around you. a classic example would be when the mat salleh next to you has his blinker on to merge in and you simply continue to creep forward as though there is no one else in the world. this passive aggressive response can be dealt with by others simply by waiving to your wife and smiling, she will then provide the corrective action required to remind you that you are (or should be) a person who has some degree of compassion and social skills.
the second response pattern is the need to bounce from lane to lane in a hyper-kinetic frenzy. here the stress is dealt with via movement, rather than the single minded need to move forward a need simply to move at all costs is displayed. sufferers of this version of the syndrome appear to be younger and less emotionally broken than those in the first pattern; as such it is suspected that this is the early stages of the condition which with age and repetition may convert to the more passive approach.
each of these responses are in sharp contrast to the western open road rage (WORR) displayed in the us and europe. WORR sufferers display tendency towards violence, open hostility, use of foul language, verbal and physical abuse to their cars, themselves and those around them. the western version is primarily differentiated by lack of social barriers towards loss of face or stigmatism towards display of openly hostile or aggressive behavior.
asian sufferers do appear to be unable to deal with and openly channel the stress, rather they suffer silently, or though apparent concentration on their hand phones. this, of course, maps to behavior patterns displayed during work, family or other social situations where stress is involved.
the longer i am here, the more subdued i become. watching others deal with their stress by internalizing it, allowing it to eat away at themselves, has been positive experience for me. i am seeing that neither response western or asian is positive. there was a moment when i looked over at the chinese girl next to me and smiled. i think, she thought i was nuts. “why is he smiling”, she must have asked. because i am not tearing myself up emotionally over a traffic jam. kl is full of traffic jams, what’s the use.
what is beauty?
have you ever tried to explain beauty? what we think is beautiful is so individualistic, each and every one of us can view a work of art, a building, a color or a person and be affected by it in ways that are different from someone else. this is one of the things that make the world an interesting place. our ability to appreciate things differently is a core element to who we are, what a boring world it would be if we all agreed on the idea of beauty. but there are also things, people or concepts that seem to be transcendent. beauty comes in many forms, and form is one of the main elements of what is beautiful.
as i write this, i am sitting next to an asian garden; the water fountain is simply beautiful. the center urn has water pouring gently into the basin; the four pedestals on the corners are wood with plaster forms cast as flowers which are back lit from the inside. the light gently illuminates the surrounding area. each pedestal has a planter on top holding a plant with is moving in the breeze. would anyone look at this and see it as anything but a beautiful setting? possibly.
beauty for me is a complex form which appears simple, or elegant in design. the elements which make up the whole are complementary, they do not appear to be at odds with one another, and they help the viewer to understand or see the object without causing one element to appear out of place or opposing to the nature of the thing.
i also like repetition of form. when a simple element is repeated, making the design easier to anticipant, i seem to be more comfortable with the object more quickly. i can view the object from one small area and not be shocked to see the next area, it appears comfortable and familiar to me. objects which do not have this composition are constantly being reevaluated as you see them from new sides or angles.
these personal preferences mean that i like simple clean architecture with the layers of frank lloyd-wright, but am less taken by gothic architecture. mandelbrot art is complex and elegant to me, where as salvador dali is hard to be comforted by, as though constructed to make interpretation difficult. both are complex but the latter has intentional complexity, the former is simple parts multiplied and repeated. louis armstrong or elle fitzgerald are warm and inviting where modern fusion can be almost uncomfortable for me to listen to. a bright red sky of a sunset, with a gentle breeze on the skin is much more enjoyable than the harsh wind-blown morning of the stormy day which follows.
this brings us to beauty in people. what makes someone beautiful? it is much, much more than physical beauty. when you meet someone, you see the public face, the formal outer most layer of that person. if the meeting is part of a scheduled event, most likely the presentment will be the most polished and scrubbed face they have. they will have taken special care to look good, will be on their best behavior and will be using the formal conversational arts that we learn to make people like us. this is not who the person is, it’s who they want people to think they are. if that is the case, can you decide based on this if the person is beautiful? is this surface, carefully constructed, presentation a fair representation of the person?
over time, as you spend time with people, the public face becomes stripped away. layer by layer the person is exposed. some people are more or less forth coming with this exposure. i have a person who i was very close to, who sometimes i think i never really knew. the face shown to the world, was infrequently the true face, the face without the make up used to mask any emotional wrinkles that come with age or stress through life.
for people, beauty to me is still an appreciation of simplicity, openness, ease of understanding. a beautiful person is someone who is truthful, with who they are; even to themselves. they are hopeful and confident. they know where they are going in life and are happy to have someone fun along for their journey. they may have a history of broken travel plans, but they are resilient to the pains of travel and know how to see things in the best possible light. they also realize that everyone else is also on a journey, some are rushed, some just want to sit in the airport lounge and rest, and some are standing trying to find a map and to decide where to move next. a beautiful person would take the time to help these others, would talk to some who looked like they needed a friend.
beautiful people are much more than skin deep, they are beautiful all the way down to their core. the first beautiful person i knew in my life was my grandmother, she was not a classic beauty, but she was a person who lived a proud and purposeful life. she cared for her children and grandchildren, she had friends who meant something to her, and she had a career that was more than a mundane job which she did because she had to. she had pride in herself and her life. nana was one of the most beautiful people i have ever known.
beauty is happiness, compassion, empathy, forgiveness, strength, confidence and openness. it is not the number of wrinkles on your face. the shape of your body parts might come into it both for the first meeting and for how you feel about yourself, but that is not who someone is. we will all be 90 someday; if we are lucky. by then, we will be wrinkled and saggy for sure. i hope to still be active, i hope you are too, but we will not be super models. the beautiful parts of us can still be there though if we care for them and make sure we work to keep them as fit as we have our physical bodies.
as i write this, i am sitting next to an asian garden; the water fountain is simply beautiful. the center urn has water pouring gently into the basin; the four pedestals on the corners are wood with plaster forms cast as flowers which are back lit from the inside. the light gently illuminates the surrounding area. each pedestal has a planter on top holding a plant with is moving in the breeze. would anyone look at this and see it as anything but a beautiful setting? possibly.
beauty for me is a complex form which appears simple, or elegant in design. the elements which make up the whole are complementary, they do not appear to be at odds with one another, and they help the viewer to understand or see the object without causing one element to appear out of place or opposing to the nature of the thing.
i also like repetition of form. when a simple element is repeated, making the design easier to anticipant, i seem to be more comfortable with the object more quickly. i can view the object from one small area and not be shocked to see the next area, it appears comfortable and familiar to me. objects which do not have this composition are constantly being reevaluated as you see them from new sides or angles.
these personal preferences mean that i like simple clean architecture with the layers of frank lloyd-wright, but am less taken by gothic architecture. mandelbrot art is complex and elegant to me, where as salvador dali is hard to be comforted by, as though constructed to make interpretation difficult. both are complex but the latter has intentional complexity, the former is simple parts multiplied and repeated. louis armstrong or elle fitzgerald are warm and inviting where modern fusion can be almost uncomfortable for me to listen to. a bright red sky of a sunset, with a gentle breeze on the skin is much more enjoyable than the harsh wind-blown morning of the stormy day which follows.
this brings us to beauty in people. what makes someone beautiful? it is much, much more than physical beauty. when you meet someone, you see the public face, the formal outer most layer of that person. if the meeting is part of a scheduled event, most likely the presentment will be the most polished and scrubbed face they have. they will have taken special care to look good, will be on their best behavior and will be using the formal conversational arts that we learn to make people like us. this is not who the person is, it’s who they want people to think they are. if that is the case, can you decide based on this if the person is beautiful? is this surface, carefully constructed, presentation a fair representation of the person?
over time, as you spend time with people, the public face becomes stripped away. layer by layer the person is exposed. some people are more or less forth coming with this exposure. i have a person who i was very close to, who sometimes i think i never really knew. the face shown to the world, was infrequently the true face, the face without the make up used to mask any emotional wrinkles that come with age or stress through life.
for people, beauty to me is still an appreciation of simplicity, openness, ease of understanding. a beautiful person is someone who is truthful, with who they are; even to themselves. they are hopeful and confident. they know where they are going in life and are happy to have someone fun along for their journey. they may have a history of broken travel plans, but they are resilient to the pains of travel and know how to see things in the best possible light. they also realize that everyone else is also on a journey, some are rushed, some just want to sit in the airport lounge and rest, and some are standing trying to find a map and to decide where to move next. a beautiful person would take the time to help these others, would talk to some who looked like they needed a friend.
beautiful people are much more than skin deep, they are beautiful all the way down to their core. the first beautiful person i knew in my life was my grandmother, she was not a classic beauty, but she was a person who lived a proud and purposeful life. she cared for her children and grandchildren, she had friends who meant something to her, and she had a career that was more than a mundane job which she did because she had to. she had pride in herself and her life. nana was one of the most beautiful people i have ever known.
beauty is happiness, compassion, empathy, forgiveness, strength, confidence and openness. it is not the number of wrinkles on your face. the shape of your body parts might come into it both for the first meeting and for how you feel about yourself, but that is not who someone is. we will all be 90 someday; if we are lucky. by then, we will be wrinkled and saggy for sure. i hope to still be active, i hope you are too, but we will not be super models. the beautiful parts of us can still be there though if we care for them and make sure we work to keep them as fit as we have our physical bodies.
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