having reservations

i have been noticing more and more tables with reserved signs on them. it seems that all restaurants here were given their reserved signs by visa, because they use the same ones all over town. i walked into a popular dinner place last night and saw half the tables in the place with these signs, this morning it was the same for our coffee place. what is going on here, do we have a new trend going on in KL? this has always been a reserved town, but now more and more of the town has been set aside.

one of the things i have also noticed is that the expat-anglo community eats earlier than the local community. but the strange thing is that tables here are reserved from the start of a shift until the party comes. this translates to early eaters not being given a table because later eaters have called ahead. reservations are not completely unknown here the higher end places have always required them, and with the puasa season coming we will all be seeing more tables that are exclusive.

tables being reserved all night are based on two cultural elements. the first is the malaysian standard of all night lepak, once a group has a table they stay. even if they are not ordering food, they are comfortable to relax, using the table as a public meeting place. the second is that malaysians have trouble getting to meetings on time. this means if they agree to meet for dinner at 7, they might show up at 8 or even later. having restaurants run on western reservations would required people to both get there on time, and leave the table so the next guest can be seated.

when i first got to malaysia, i loved the linger at the table culture. it was nice to not be rushed, but it's not something i need every night. most nights, i would give up the ability to hangout at a table for the chance to be seated in the first place. in the west, you can ask for a table and agree to give it up later. they might tell you, "we need the table in 90 mins, if you can be done by 9, we can give you the table". if this works they squeeze you in.

but with the simple structures here, you are out of luck. the restaurants only have elementary scheduling, and much of the staff would not be able to negotiate or communicate a more flexible set of rules. there are other places to go, but if you really wanted that pesto-chicken sandwich and don't want to tau pow, you are simply out of luck.

why do more people seem to be making reservations? i think it's three-fold:

1. more people are eating beyond the hawker/mamak stalls
2. fewer people are willing to be told they have to wait
3. malaysia has yet to outgrown it's legacy of lepak

the first two points indicate a growing middle class, with the related bourgeoisie expectations. the third point does not mean people just want to hang out, it means restaurant owners are not yet willing to require tables to be turned multiple times a night. this will be coming when staff costs are raised by minimum wage. other changes that are on the way are socially-required tipping, and requiring guests to show up on time for a reservation. all of this is part of the exit from the third world, and the entry into the competitive environment of the first.

this morning, i walked into our favorite coffee place to see all the tables either taken or reserved. we looked at each other and started to discuss other places to go. we had been talking about the grilled blueberry muffins since we woke up but there was always formerly-favorite pancakes if we needed to go there.

the waiter was listening to us discuss options, he had a strange look on his face as he said, "do you want a table?". i said, "sure, if you can find us one". he took us to our favorite table and removed the reserved sign. we sat down and smiled as the owner came over to say hello.

i asked him how far ahead you need to call for reservations, he said, "a day ahead, but you can just come in." i smiled at him and said thanks. it's good to know you are a valued guest. this treatment will not be available everywhere. it was not expected, we saw the signs and prepared to leave. but it is good to make friends, and if they are willing to help you, then enjoy.

how did it happen? it might be related to already working under western rules; while others are acting like the world around them is not changing. moving economically westward puts the more western in a good place. if you treat staff well, leave when you are done and always leave a tip ... it pays off.

sometimes not having reservations about the first world is the best way to go.

rubbing buddha

people really don't believe that i do not see myself as too big. i live in a size-obsessed culture where small is expected. it's like the anti-texas here, the PR line would be "everything is smaller in asia". expected is not really a fair way to say this, but husbands can emotionally abuse their beautiful wives if they add a few pounds, while they are keeping thinly strange on the side. like many things in asia, there is a dualism that makes "big" a pejorative as well as an ideal that drives many people to rub the buddha.

yesterday i was getting out of my car to go to an appointment with non-standard malaysians, i was going to spend the next 4 hours semi-publicly exposed and taking multiple forms of abuse. as i was collecting my things a tattooed guy in a hat walked up to me and asked if we were going to the same place. we had a short conversation, and as he walked away he touched my stomach. this used to seem strange, but now i know its just asians way of making a connection. a strange and unsettling one that breaks multiple social taboos.

last year i was walking in beijing, semi-lost in the hutongs of the old city. as i passed a storefront a chinese guy standing in the doorway looked at me and smiled. i hesitatingly smiled back, sensing he was saying something without using words, but not sure i was following the chinese-to-english conversion. as i passed, he must of understood i had missed his point so he used the limited english he appeared to have and said, "ooohhhhhhhhh budddddhhhhaaaaaa". i decided to take it as a complement and kept moving, i glanced back as he smiled and waved. too strange.

but not as strange as the physical contact i have grudgingly become used to. i learned early that in asian culture commenting on someone's weight is acceptable. to be honest i have been called fat in the US, like years ago when a guy selling me running shoes told me, "these are great for the heavy runner". but here in asia, not only am i now used to people passing me a business card for their weight-loss company, i am now used to having my belly rubbed by complete strangers.

this has happened in vietnam, china, malaysia and indonesia. i am not sure if there is a strong buddhist connection, because it has happened in hindu and muslim countries. i don't think its religion, it appears to be pan-asian. men come up to me and touch my stomach. i would be more confortable if they were women, but that would most likely only happen in thailand, and that might be another version of rubbing the buddha entirely.

if i were in the US i would be more concerned, here it feels more like a greeting of respect. its still unsettling every time it happens, but it feels like the other person is bowing to royalty or kissing the godfather's ring. okay both of those sound strange too. it's odd, but then it hit me when i am standing in a store and some guy walks up to me says "oh buddha" and touches my belly, they are tapping into some cultural roots.

from wiki we learn:

budai (布袋; meaning cloth-sack) is traditionally depicted as a fat bald man wearing a robe and wearing/carrying prayer beads. he carries his few possessions in a cloth sack, being poor but content. he is often depicted entertaining children. in folklore he is admired for his happiness, plenitude, and wisdom of contentment and it is believed that rubbing his belly brings wealth, good luck, and prosperity.

happy, shaved, overachieving waist-wise, carrying a bag and smiling; i can see the resemblance. and the new realization that they are not making a move on me in public is reassuring. it's now clear they are simply re-enacting a deeply meaningful cultural belief. it feels good to be identified so strongly with a positive cultural icon. but that brings the question into focus, why are so many people here committed to the less is more camp of life.

happy buddha is a sign of living a good life and is good luck to those who get close. if he is so positive is so many ways, why is the "small is beautiful" camp the only one with support here. you would think the bigger side would have supporters. there are times when less is more, but come on big is beautiful. where is the cultural support for this? why is the thin conformity of the culture so unquestioned?

embrace the plenitude and the wisdom of contentment. stop worrying that you are reaching for someone else's rice bowl, life is better with desert. be asian, keep some of your boundaries and don't think can just reach out and touch any rounded belly you see, but if you find yourself needing some good luck go ahead...

rub the buddha and see if you get lucky.

open door

there are times when you have no other option than to sit with someone you have few other chances to sit with and make small talk. these times are the moments of adulthood that you realize you are an adult. they are the moments that as children you sat on the side and watched adults accomplish seemingly without effort. small talk is about little subjects, but sometimes real interactions happen during these conversations. if you are careful, you might hear something that matters.

i was sitting in an airport with two staff members. we had finished the agenda of the trip and just needed to get on a plane and get home. most of the senior managers in KL would not sit with staff members in this setting. not only would it most likely have been acceptable for me to sit away from the staff and do my own thing, it's highly possible they would have wanted me sit on the other side of the room. being american, deeply believing in egalitarism, pushed me to sit with them and engage in small-talk. i might have wanted to continue reading the book on "relentless capitalism", but instead i talked about micro-sociology.

we came to a point on the open-door policy i have in the office. as each new employee joins our company, they are brought to my office on their first day so i accomplish three tasks, i:

1. welcome them to the company
2. give them a team shirt (we do a new design/color each year)
3. explain my open door policy, and ask them to come back to see me if they need something

one of the staff on the trip with me is a senior contributor who is just moving into a manager role. i have known him for years now, and have watched him grow from a very junior staff member to a emerging leader. he is a standard quiet and respectful asian kid. it was a bit scary when he said, "can i be honest and tell you something?". honesty, rather than distanced politeness, is less than common here than in the US, so my interest was piqued.

he said, "sometimes people might be afraid to come to your office. they are not sure if you are busy, or in a bad mood, so they do not go." there was a pained look on his face while he said it. i could sense he was outside his comfort-zone by telling me this. the asian training to never upset an elder or someone in a position of authority was challenging his new found american group ethic. i sensed this conversation was only happening because of the week he had just spent immersed with a large team of vocal and decidedly less than shy amercians.

i took a beat trying to decide how to respond to this. i have heard it before, a sizable group of the staff do not feel comfortable coming into my office for any reason. they feel as though those who do come in are being treated as favorites and are given special consideration because they get to talk to me one on one. i have been told this on the side, by those who do come to talk to me. usually they say it with a pained look of someone who has experienced peer pressure or abuse.

i asked the young manager i was sitting next to, trying to count the number of times he had come into my office in the 3 years of service and ending with a very low number, why is it my fault that people don't feel comfortable coming in to see me? i meet every single new hire, and tell them the same thing. "come talk to me anytime, i am here to help if you have an issue, or to talk if you want to." some do, most don't. i have asked people to wait while i am finishing something, but i meet with everyone who comes in. if they are not sure if i am busy or in the wrong state of mind, they can ask my assistant, she seems to read me pretty well.

for the ones that do come in and talk, i end up knowing them and having a better idea of what is happening in their lives, both work and away. i recently thanked two staff members who came in together. i remember saying, "thanks for talking to me about this, i am having a tough day and helping you with this will end up being the best part of my day". i am busy most days, i have a tendency to show frustrations; but being here to help is what i consider about half of my job.

everyone is told the same thing, but some hear it and and others don't. i started to think about those who do come in. there is a trend, non-malaysians come more frequently than those born here. those who have gone to school off-shore come more frequently than those who have not. working on a team that i directly manage helps, so does being younger, and being from one of the local ethnic groups seems to lower your likelihood of coming in, while being on another seems to raise it. all of these have been true for years, and all of them are equally true for our attrition rates. or maybe its that people who do come in tend to leave less than those who do not.

so here it is. i have an open door policy, but i can not force them to walk through it. either you trust what i am telling you and come in, or you don't. that is not on me, that is on you. i know you are not used to authority figures doing what they promise you, but hey this could be your chance to see that it can happen. i have an idea:

come in and see if it's true. if it is, go back out that open door and tell others. forget about trust, try some actual proof.

teaching frustation

what is is about a quiet day on the beach that makes me want to rant about lack of fairness? never-mind, that is rhetorical. it's just one man expressing his freedom of speech to talk about things that frustrate him. that is the sign of a good life isn't it? the ability to tell people you are frustrated. the ability to release the stress and relax.

a few weeks ago i was on a week long trip to a city that i hate. the trip was planned, cancelled, re-planned and finally re-set to a different week. the build up to the trip was one of pending frustration. but the reality was that the frustration never actually came. there were moments that teetered on the edge of a tipping point, but gravity was on my side and we came out unscathed. i spent the final night of the trip nursing a growing head cold while sitting in a hot bathtub. i thought i would make it out of the country without issue.

it wasn't a major issue, but i did learn something about china. all was good until checking-in at the airport. we were there early and i got a chance to sit next to a group of malays returning home after a family trip. sitting on the floor in the airport we talked about life in KL and why they would want to travel to china. they kept apologizing for not having better english, after 5 years in their country i was the one that should be apologizing.

as i checked in and watched my bag go through the scanner, i saw the alarm lights flash rejecting my bags and forcing me to step over the barrier to open my bag. the airline crew suggested they were looking for lighters or aerosol cans that could explode, being a no smoker with no need for hair spray i thought i was in the clear. thats when we found the baton i had in my bag.

the baton is something i have based on age. as i have gotten older, and considering some of the places i allow myself to go, i thought it might be a good idea to have a way to even the odds. i have been questioned about this in the past, but honestly it is purely an insurance policy and not something i really have any need to reach for on a regular basis. to keep the story short, china disagreed with my having it in my bag, i countered that i was leaving the country and was someone else's issue but as we all know, rules are rules in china and they have no ability to see beyond them.

as i walked from ticketing, through passport and security control, into starbucks, past the information booth and finally into the lounge i asked every chinese person i saw, "what is the chinese word for frustration". not a single one of them could tell me the word. they looked at me blankly and had a odd face on. i first thought they simply had been trained to not say or experience the word frustration, one more of the regime's blacklisted terms of censorship gone amok. but it seems that its worse than that, they really did not know the word.

when i got into the lounge, i asked for the word, three women standing there did not know. they asked me to spell it, and used a local translation site to convert the english to mandarin. still they did not know the word. they talked among themselves and finally shook their heads. they asked me to explain the word, which i tried to do. i was frustrated in my attempt, they did not understand the concept.

using wikipedia as a source, we find the definition:

frustration is a common emotional response to opposition. related to anger and disappointment, it arises from the perceived resistance to the fulfillment of individual will. the greater the obstruction, and the greater the will, the more the frustration is likely to be. causes of frustration may be internal or external. in people, internal frustration may arise from challenges in fulfilling personal goals and desires, instinctual drives and needs, or dealing with perceived deficiencies, such as a lack of confidence or fear of social situations.

using google translate to get the chinese you get 挫折 or 挫败 both of which when brought back to english translate as "defeat". so here is the question, do they not teach these words, or do they not have the culturally emotional framework to feel anger and disappointment from resistance to individual will?

yes, i am frustrated that a badly dressed, sadly under bathed, low-level bureaucrat was able to take what i considered a personal possession. i do not see logic of taking something from a checked bag, enforcing a rule as i exit the country (i would have understood on entry), and dislike that there were no options or discussion on the matter. following a stupid rule quietly has never been natural for me, it's frustrating and i would expect others to see that.

it's okay. i know at least one other person there felt frustration. as i continued to try to debate it, the security manager took the baton and threw it in the trash. he started to turn to walk away, but i did not like the way he believed it was the end of the conversation. i also did not want to get maced and taken to a room where i would need to request a visit by the embassy or maybe human rights watch, so i was careful to keep my arms at my side and not move. i did what any parent would tell their kid to do, "use your words".

so as he turned away i said, "you know it's behavior like this that makes someone want a stick to hit someone else in the head with".

he stopped, turned and glared at me. i smiled and started to pack my bag back up. i think i may have taught him a new emotion, he was in that moment frustrated that he could not take my baton and smack me over the head.

it feels good to help others learn.