parent trap

my head seems to be hitting on a recurring theme.  it's so strange when that happens, you are having conversations across multiple days and people bring up a thread that overlaps with another from the day or week before.  over time the clothe forms and the pattern appears.  single threads interlock and you realize the shape and feel of the thought.  the conversations had no connection, the other persons themes have nothing to do with each other, but within my head i keep returning to the same pattern.

i collapsed into a chair yesterday, tired, happy and ready for a sip of grape to balance the steam i had just finished.  i had the smell of jasmine on my skin and image of a beautiful flower in my head.  i looked over and saw the smile of an old soul.  dark intelligent eyes were looking at me, they were connected to young body and a happy smile.  we struck up a conversation, my new friend was a bundle of contrasts, he is forward and shy, reminds me of my son and has an old name that means "gentle soul" or "smooth brow"; both of which appeared true.

as the conversation flowed, i was reminded of my childhood and the stress of parenting and parenting of parents.  i was reminded of my favorite mother's day movie the parent trap.  not the remake with lindsay lohan, the original with brian keith, maureen o'hara and hayley mills.  the first thought was of the grandfather played perfectly by charles ruggles, he leads the supporting cast by quietly commenting without commenting.  this is a skill my own distant grandfather chuck had mastered, but one i will need to keep trying to find.

i was reminded of one of my favorite scenes of the movie between the grandfather and the grand daughter who he has realized is not the person the rest of the house believes she is:

>>>>>>>>>>>>

Charles McKendrick: [Susan starts sniffing the coat he is wearing] My dear, what are you doing? 
Susan Evers: Making a memory. 
Charles McKendrick: Making a memory? 
Susan Evers: All my life, when I'm quite grown-up I will always remember my grandfather and how he smelled of 
[smells his jacket again] tobacco and peppermint. 
Charles McKendrick: Smelled of tobacco and peppermint. [starts chuckling] Well, I'll tell you what. I take the peppermint for my indigestion and as for the tobacco [looks around to share the secret] to make your grandmother mad. 

>>>>>>>>>>>>

later, i was eating dinner with a friend who was talking about dating and trying to be the person that the right man would want to be with.  she has friends who believe that men want the flashy, sophisticated and pampered women they spend so much effort becoming.  my friend worries that the men she knows are focused on room service rather than backpacks and zip lines.  i asked when she watched the parent trap, did she like the mother who comfortably slipped into jeans or vicki the woman so clearly uncomfortable outside of designer fashion.  i know that during the camping trip i love as she is driven off by sisters, who bond over shared torment.

someone who wants the vickis of the world will get what they deserve.  the future will be one of high maintenance, shallow personality and the inability to cross a river to climb into a tree house and sweat in the afternoon heat while watching gibbons play in the jungle below.  it comes down to choosing what you want in a life.  do you want to go to a constructed resort or to have a genuine adventure?

this morning i read the thoughts of a friend who was talking about the themes of conflict and loss that we use to celebrate what should be the deepest love of our lives.  i had to smile, it is clear to me that there are smiles in the world and beyond, even when they come with sadness.  i again came back to the parent trap, which for me proves that the people in our lives can help us be happy by giving us space.

>>>>>>>>>>>>

Verbena 'Ever's Housekeeper': It's none of my nevermind. I don't say a word. 
Mitch Evers: [turning to leave; deadpan] I know, you never say a word to anyone. 

>>>>>>>>>>>>

being the child of divorce, and experiencing divorce as an adult, i watch the parent trap with a sense of recognition and hope.   i see two people who clearly remember why they liked each other in the first place.  they live on separate continents, and it works for them.  i don't believe the end where they get back together, but i do see that they will be friends.  rather than keeping the kids apart they will realize that the children are the priority, even if this means having to accept someone you could not accept in the past.

the trap keeps creeping into my head.  i want to watch these happy characters find themselves.  people seem to see the easy device of driving off the evil step mother as the theme of the movie.  that's not it at all for me.  it's getting to the place in life, like the grandfather, that you know when to keep quiet and allow those around you to make their own decisions and when to finally step in.  just as the grandfather does with his overbearing wife when he saids:

>>>>>>>>>>>>

Charles McKendrick: Louise, for once I'm putting my foot down. Now let them alone! 

>>>>>>>>>>>>

i wish i could go to a "best buy", but the local "black sails" video store just doesn't have old movies about families.  for now i am stuck with my memories.

shyness is nice

sometimes you realize you just have a different world view.  growing up half a world away, being older and more weary than most of the people around you, and having completely different music in your head can show you how true this is.  have you ever found yourself singing a song in front of someone and realizing they have never heard it? the person listening in may never have heard the band or song, they have no idea the singer was influential in your life, or the generation you came to age within.

this just happened to me, i am sitting at a table in a crowded cafe.  there are people all around me, there is music playing over the noise of conversations, kitchen sounds and staff saying "hi, good afternoon" as people walk past the front.  i heard a song this morning, and went to wikipedia to look up the band, that led to youtube and the song again.  the smiths are one of those seminally important bands for a kid that grew up in a preppy town, attended a preppy college and found alternative music during the anti-alternative years of the reagan administration.

the sounds of morrissey's lyrics and johnny marr's guitar are both haunting and comforting when they are viewed from the time and distance of maturity.  the intelligence of the prose were mulled over so many nights ago; they came at a time when life had a narrowness that was just beginning to be opened by books.  they are now viewed by experience.  a song like cemetery gates with lyrics that invite you to come together with

A dreaded sunny day, So I meet you at the cemetery gates

Keats and Yeats are on your side, While Wilde is on mine

is perfect for the liberal arts major who is being shown the classics for the first time.  gone are the pop artists of youth, the world of substance is opening.  with it you find a band that makes you feel that intelligence and passion are both allowed and normal.

now add to that songs like girlfriend in a coma, that taps onto an emotion that anyone going through early adulthood will have felt, 

Girlfriend in a coma, I know, I know - it's really serious

There were times when I could have "murdered" her

(But you know, I would hate, Anything to happen to her)

i can remember singing this as loud as possible in my dorm room, feeling the depth of the emotion, enjoying the fact that someone else could feel it just as clearly as i did.  that someone in the world had put a voice to the emotion.  i have sang this same song again over the years, but maybe never as loud.

other songs just make me smile, no matter how many times i have head the words i break into a grin and love the fact that morrissey could be comfortable enough to record some girls are bigger than others.  the oblivious to shame song that starts:

From the ice-age to the dole-age

There is but one concern I have just discovered :

Some girls are bigger than others

Some girls are bigger than others

Some girl's mothers are bigger than other girl's mothers

and then ends with the offer of a lifetime:

Send me the pillow ..., The one that you dream on ...

Send me the pillow ..., The one that you dream on ...

And I'll send you mine

songs like this can make you feel good even at times when you might need to be more guarded and aware of your surroundings.  like driving back from a late afternoon family gathering when you reach for the volume button to turn up the beat to sing along with the band.  it is common for the kids to hear morrissey's lyrics; they have grown up with them.  most of the car sings along as a happy reflex, done without a second thought; until you realize the kids have been joined by your mother in-law.  she is sitting behind you and is clearly wondering why you and your nine year-old daughter are so happily crooning these lyrics of comparison.

but the song that made me smile today was ask.  i am close to sure it is one that the pretty chinese girl sitting next to me had never heard before.  the half turned head with the hidden smile, one meant to not be shared with her lunch mate, was just for us.  the words that had come from my laptop where:

Shyness is nice and shyness can stop you

From doing all the things in life you'd like to

i did not understand this song when i first heard it so long ago.  i needed to see more of the world, to meet more people with different world views.  doc savage was trying to teach us about the world he had seen, but we were unable to grasp what he was saying.  even with the smiths to back up his stories, we didn't have the experience or openness to accept the message.  as i look over and see a smile, so many years later, the next verse comes across so clearly:

Coyness is nice and coyness can stop you

From saying all the things in life you'd like to

google jobs

i woke up yesterday to an email with links to something on google.  this isn't all that uncommon, people send links all the time.  but these links were different.  they were to jobs, and the email suggested that the jobs sounded like they were written for me.  as i looked them over they were tempting.  the roles looked interesting, i would be in the US again close to my kids and i would be working for the number one cool internet company right now.

google is the new microsoft in our space.  by comparing them to microsoft i show the path of my maturity along with the internet.  i started at a time when 4GL was the hot TLA.  sqlwindows v powerbuilder was the argument around the table when new projects were kicked off.  VB, COM, DCOM and .Net changed all of that for me.  i was known as someone who had my full drink of kool-aid.  i studied internals and obsessed over patterns and performance.  i was there when MVC was added to MFC, i studied EJB 1.0, 1.1 and 2.0 and agreed each time that design by a committee of competitors is the right way to kill a good idea.

i am old and i have been around the block.  i have the bookshelves and dead company t-shirts to prove it.  i know that c# is literally cool, and can remember the birds of a feather breakout in a smoke-covered LA that the Project 7 team explained it.  that was the same week that i learned the internals of generational garbage collection, the same topic i used this week to explain why a precieved issue was not.

google is the company that most geeks want to work for now.  they are a hip company with a list of top ten reasons you should work for them.  if you read the list, you can see why smart people want to work there.  they are hot and sexy, of course people are attracted.  but why would i be attracted.  i have a job, its one i like and one i am not really ready to leave.

work for me is more than just a job.  i have a career that i love, i have had a series of jobs that i have loved, good times and bad have happened, but when i look back i remember that i have been successful, happy and in control.  i have tried to do the things that i love, to focus on having fun and enjoying the work, the challenges and the victories.  i used to say that one day i would retire to a job as a barber, i thought it was the perfect job, even if you make a mistake the hair will grow back and you get another chance, but tastes and cuts change over time, so experimentation and discovery is built in.

i replied to the email and said i wasn't sure about applying.  the ads looked good, and the change of pace sounds exciting.  but change for change sake is not what i want.  i have a team i care about, i am busy and i learn something almost every day.  i have already stayed in this company and this role longer than i expected and the ADD side of my head would love something new.  but actively seeking that something is a distraction i don't need right now.  

even when things present themselves, sometimes you need to say no.  you might be saying no to the promise of something better, to the expectation of improvement or to the internal drive that is pushing you to consider the offer.  if prior booms and busts didn't teach me this before i came here, malaysia certainly has.  there is always the promise of the next big thing.

the reply i got on the email thread was a question, "how do you know you are good enough to get it if you don't try".  this is when you realize the person knows your buttons well enough that they push them the way a touch typist strikes the keys; clear, strong and effortless.  creating desire even when you have no interest is a talent, one that is built up over time.

so, i am working on the top ten reasons not to apply. 

1) ....

    

taupow lifestyle

one of the things about working the hours i work is needing to plan. i have staff who i need to plan careers with, i have capital expenditures which need to be considered and budgeted. i have annual international child movements that requires more planning than almost any professional task of the entire year. but the most frequent planning exercise i need to conduct is driving back to expat land, feeding myself, and remaining available for long distance conference calls at very odd hours.

i remember a time when work would slow down as the sun slipped below the horizon. this was not always the norm; driving home during a blizzard on a conference-call, hands clenching the wheel in an effort to calm the fear of passing large trucks without a stable grip of wheels to road, was known to have happened in the past. but most nights i would stop in the grocery store to get the final dinner ingredients, and would come into a noisy kitchen just as dinner prep moved to construction mode.

food used to be something built, planned a week ahead or thrown together based on what was available, dinner was an event of coordinating multiple schedules, tastes and moods. the process would start for me with a conversation on the ride home. it started with a question, "what do you want for dinner?" the riddle was that the question was not what it seemed on face value, it was not what i wanted that was in question, but if i would accept what had been decided upon. this was my first zen lesson, one that i failed miserably.

living alone has made this process much less complex. i now have factors what need to be weighed, it is now all about what i want for dinner. i can make the choice, just from a shortened list of possible selections. gone are the tacos, quesidillas, crepes, stews, steaks, pancakes and waffles of the past. the years of declaring easy nights as yoyo (you're on your own) have faded away; the term has taken a whole new meaning.

the peace of not having to choose is gone, and the choices are far fewer than in the past. cooking for one, with a crazy work schedule, barely functional kitchen and aversion to parking underground and taking an elevator to a supermarket takes it toll. i have realized that in the past few years i have changed my definition of buying groceries. i am living a taupow lifestyle.

the key to taupow living is to know your local restaurants well, make friends and purchase in bulk when you go. mom always said that food was better the second day. that might have been a way to convince her children that old food was better than new, but somehow i still believe her. flavors do seem to melt together over time. this might be why i have the love of leftovers; which is such a negative term, mom always said, "saving the best for last".

i was talking about this with a friend and she said, "i like to eat taupow, so i can just eat out of the containers". i broke into a big smile, that's it exactly. the KL lifestyle totally works for the expat living alone. you move in with clothes and little else. you find a menu you like and you start eating there, over time you steal 5 or so spoons and you start bringing containers home to eat directly out of them. no need to wash a plate; much less pots and pans. you can watch a "local copy" dvd and relax, rather than standing at the sink and busting suds. even your once a week maid likes it, she only needs to wash 5 spoons and water glass.

[malaysians if they use a utensil will use a spoon, knives and forks are for rich people, all you need in life is a soup spoon. many just use their hands, which explains the sinks in the middle of restaurants, but that's a different blog]

i am now in planning mode for the kids to arrive for the summer (people in KL have no idea what summer means, the weather is always summer here, and the kids are not out of school in july and august). that has me wondering if i need to change this behavior. i downshift much of my lifestyle when they are here. but i can sense that almost it's time for the negotiations to begin again. i am no longer going to be on my own, i have three personalities and tastes to accomadate.

thank god we have hawker stands. its like take out without needing to go home. it is perfect for yoyo every night. everyone gets to eat what they want, with 20 micro kitchens cooking everyone can happy.

KL has issues, two are mall based grocery stores and a lack of cooking stores, but it has just meant a change. learning to take away the best of what you can, and relaxing at home are good things. they are things the taupow living have given me. lets hope the kids still agree.